Feeling powerless about upcoming behavior

I am in trouble.

ever since new years I have had this compulsion to move back out of the city. I don't like it here.

I have also been waging an internal war on dog vs no dog.

$#%^ is going down. there is the cutest puppy up for adoption at the humane society. a whole litter. but one in particular. it was love at first sight.

I can feel the compulsion building....the feeling that I am powerless to resist the coming behavior. it's when you know you are going to quit your job, or dump your boyfriend, or adopt a dog.

I also found a house to rent. it's actually a really great house...I know because I uses to live there with a boyfriend. it's actually kind of perfect!! and like miraculously affordable.

I put an app in on that house even though I just moved 4 months ago.

wtf is wrong with me? I was feeling better and now I am acting impulsive. and feeling nervous that I am going to do these things. like....I don't know. without worrying or thinking or consulting about it enough.

just you know. I want it. mine.

wtf if i go adopt that ######6 puppy? I can FEEL it coming. I don't know how to stop it. then I will have to keep and train the dog and pay for vet care and stuff!

what if I adopt a dog and don't get that sweet house with a yard?

why can't I just be content for 8 more months? why can't I just ######6 wait????

8 months will go by in a blink of an eye.

$#%^. I don't feel in control of my urges.

I get off work early tomorrow because I worked OT. I feel like there is a 95%chance I am coming home with a puppy tomorrow.

I'm sorry beccabee, that sounds tough. Sounds like maybe one of your alters is pulling the classic trick of "Guess what I got you for your birthday... A PUPPY!...plus all the responsibilities." Except that somebody is inside you and not someone you're dating or dated. I wish I had some good advice for you, but what I can offer is some empathy. I hope your impulsiveness smooths out and lessens soon.

this issue has been an ongoing issue for at least a year. during this time I have scoured the internet looking at adoptable dogs. researching breeds. looking at basically every where you could source a dog or pup. weighed the merits of puppies and adult dogs. you know.

the wanting has gotten worse lately. really intensified in the last two months. but you know. ok. I visited the human society and I was ok. but then this litter came.

dogs around here are very typical. lots of pitts, labs, and hounds. and they can all be great dogs, I know. but this litter is so different from the usual mutts around here. these are big fluffy ginormous black n white who knows what looking things? they are gorgeous!!! the kind of big fluffy beautiful dog that usually costs 2k purebred. and I got lucky enough to find a mutt for a hundred bucks!.

so the argument to wait is against this argument of but, but, but....he's perfect. we can't wait!!!!

a puppy will be so much work
but the dog will be so awesome! ♡

sigh. am I really ready to do this?

in the past I have given in because I just get so worn down. idk if that is what is happening now.

thanks for understanding.

and it's cold. and you wake up and you gotta walk the dog in the cold before coffee. yikes.

have you been back to t to talk about this?
i have no clue what is going on inside of you. i know that we tend to compulsively de-clutter when there is a lot going on inside, a lot of insecurity or change. it leads to attempts to calm us down with outside stuff.

that one T in the clinic would tell you to stop looking for houses and dogs if this is not the time to do it. looking is like the second or third step and already in the realm of doing.
if there is someone sober and logical inside who thinks that all this is not a bad idea but not the right timing, it would be a good step to stop looking. that creates more and more situations of things looking perfect.

you are always free to choose. sometimes those choices are hard. sometimes the consequences could be even harder.

Hi Beccabee -

BeccaBee wrote:this issue has been an ongoing issue for at least a year. during this time I have scoured the internet looking at adoptable dogs. researching breeds. looking at basically every where you could source a dog or pup. weighed the merits of puppies and adult dogs. you know.

This a long time for something or someone to be tugging. But just thinking back over some of your recent posts -issues with neighbours, wanting to move etc you bring this up - here it is again

BeccaBee wrote:I am in trouble.

ever since new years I have had this compulsion to move back out of the city. I don't like it here.

and you then go on to say

BeccaBee wrote:I also found a house to rent. it's actually a really great house...I know because I uses to live there with a boyfriend. it's actually kind of perfect!! and like miraculously affordable.

There is a lot of perfect - perfect dog, perfect house and a bit of 'miracle' all popping up. Am trying not to make assumptions but I am sitting here looking a set of golf clubs that I bought last year that cost a fortune, not just any cheap golf clubs but top range things, we researched the best clubs to buy and became obsessed with the idea of golf because someone thought it was a good ides. There was a lot of disagreement but the voice didn't shut up until they were purchased. I/we have never used them - in the greater scheme of things it doesn't matter - they are golf clubs, not being used has no effect on them - ...this is not so with a wee puppy.

You have been making plans regarding a dog for ages. Is there any chance of internal negotiation - yes we can get a puppy but we need to move first, these are fixed decisions rather than anxious indecision- shall we move shan't we? - maybe a dog, maybe not? From what I can gather from your posts you are good on organisation.....get the planning done, not just about the type of dog but how it is going to fit into you and you daughters life. I sometimes think we all aim for perfect and when things are really cr*p then we see things that seem like they will magically solve a situation when in fact they can make it worse.

Really sorry if this sounds like a lecture, but your post read like you want someone to throw you a life line to save you from impulsive puppy adoption so am trying to be practical. Deep breathes, make plan.

Take care.

BeccaBee wrote:I also found a house to rent. it's actually a really great house...I know because I uses to live there with a boyfriend. it's actually kind of perfect!! and like miraculously affordable.

LittleMie wrote:There is a lot of perfect - perfect dog, perfect house and a bit of 'miracle' all popping up. Am trying not to make assumptions but I am sitting here looking a set of golf clubs that I bought last year that cost a fortune, not just any cheap golf clubs but top range things, we researched the best clubs to buy and became obsessed with the idea of golf because someone thought it was a good ides. There was a lot of disagreement but the voice didn't shut up until they were purchased. I/we have never used them - in the greater scheme of things it doesn't matter - they are golf clubs, not being used has no effect on them - ...this is not so with a wee puppy.


Take care.

Yes exactly!!!!

This perfect little plan that I then have to deal with. a more expensive house. (even if it is a really great affordable house. still a hundred more plus increase in utilities and lawn care) I get that the increased cost has great positives I do! but don't want to bite off more than I can chew with a car payment to boot!

and yes a great wonderful puppy. that has to be walked, trained, socialized. and the $$$$$$cha-ching $$$$$$ on that.

it is a rule to not be impulsive or rash. but sometimes I get so tired of waiting and then I just buy a PS4 because ###$ it.

but that is way different than a ######6 animal companion. a living, breathing, sentient, wholly dependent on me creature.

this is why I am worried about controlling the impulse. these decision have much more long ranging consequences.

it's nice to know that someone else understands.

oh birdsong I missed your reply.

I don't see T for a few weeks. 2 exactly.

yes I am deep in the realm of doing. I can't seem to control it. I feel more conflicted. more divided.

part of me is like "trust me I got this"
and the other part is like "listen to what I am saying"

i am torn all a which a ways.

hey Beccabee,
i totally know how you feel about the whole puppy thing! our little found a puppy a couple of years ago that he just threw a tantrum over not getting until we all just gave in and wow...that stupid dog peed on everything and chewed up everything! no training worked. it was a cute dog but a pain in the....to take care of. we finally gave it away to someone else after the little one lost interest in it. now everytime he sees a puppy he wants were like "tried that". he sometimes throws a fit and its like this huge power struggle but our ace in the whole is "he'll chew up your stuffed animals and pee on your playrug you know".

one. I did not come home with a puppy!!!!

two. we have reached a preliminary agreement
--yes on the moving - if it works out.
--brother (super dog guy) is currently fostering a fifteen week old newf mix. with a very sweet temperment. he is super in the network and can rehome this highly sought pup with me!
--owner of house is ok with pets on property and house has a big fenced yard.
--now it is just a matter of moving forward.
--making decisions helps.
--fighting over decisions makes me want to barf.

we are all 100% on board with this plan. figured out some $$ to shave off budget in other areas. ready to move forward.

###$. moving again.
--no problem. last time for a while.
--hiring somebody for the yard work for sure.
--new washer and dryer with the tax refund

-bonus! house has a wired workshop in the back. too awesome!!!

Hi BeccaBee,

Been thinking about where you are at.

I worry too about running from one thing to the next (houses) however It is also ok to say this apartment didn't work out. you tried it, you thought at the time it was a better situation. and it didn't work out. That is life.

It sounds like getting your space back, and outside space in particular will be very healthy for you. So for that reason, finding a new place with that piece makes a lot of sense, Just go slow and carefully to be sure.

About the dog. I remember in another post you said if you had more than one kid you might not be as stable. And new puppies required not as much but a lot of work. And I wondered if having this additional stress and responsibility would push you in the wrong direction. But dogs. Dogs are truly healing creatures. (we also really want a dog, but with kids and work, not possible until one of the kids can walk it on their own).

I think it is a super cool development that someone you know is going to do the whole puppy thing for you (training etc). This will be helpful.

Then I started thinking of my youngest child. T thought this might be too much, found out I was preg just as I was realizing I had did. life certainly wasn't stable. It was a very very hard couple of years. But honestly, (and I am not religious at all) he is a gift from god. He has changed my life in so many positive ways that the work, while hard and guided by Ts, was entirely worth it. And somehow I feel this will be the case for a dog for you.

be realistic, manage it well, and I think you will be fine. I think this all sounds great.