keep on keeping on

Johnny-Jack wrote:I know what you're talking about. It's true you have a finite amount of energy, for engaging in the work of DID/trauma, for making decisions about anything. I see it as a matter of physical and psychic energy. Below is just a start, some of it is going to sound elementary so it might be insulting, I don't know. I'm hoping it may help to be reminded of some things you already know:

On shielding yourself from the negative:
* avoid depleting your limited energy by not worrying about as much as you can, anything you can't change, acknowledge it and don't fret about it
* get rid of/avoid people/contacts who sap your energy or bring you down.
* make a list of what depletes or destabilizes you
* avoid junk foods, sugar, anything that puts you on a rollercoaster or makes you fuzzy or nervous

On drawing the positive towards you:
* give yourself credits and praise for handling anything well that took extra effort, pat yourself on the back for something every day. You didn't get enough of this talk as a child or you'd already be doing it well. I'm proud of myself for making it through many days at work without a collapse.
* make a list of what helps you remain stable
* drink a lot of water and eat healthy things, get some exercise by walking outdoors at least

I've found that trauma work isn't exactlly working with alters per se, but it's working with the trauma directly which other parts endured. When I'm working with trauma, sometimes scared littles who lived it come forward but I quickly try to own it myself so they can let go. I think doing trauma work is taking on their burden, even if not always directly.

I get these memories returning and I can't believe how awful they are. It makes perfect sense there are some of us who got to avoid ever knowing about this stuff, while others had to endure it first hand. Trauma work helps your alters. I don't know how it can't. I salute your bravery because I know how incredibly tough it is to deal with.

BeccaBee wrote:you have really been getting a lot accomplished!

you deserve a breather. doctors and courts are exhausting.

I had a real bad time about two years ago. it was sort of the perfect storm of medical issues (including major surgeries), lots of Rx and anesthesia, occupational stress, single motherhood, moving to another city, and a crisis in my immediate family that involved flying to the other hemisphere to handle things. I was already exhausted and it was just too much. I woke up one day trembling in the bed. I had a fever, vomiting diarrhea. I was sick for four days before I went to the doctor. they told me I had stress exhaustion. aka: nervous breakdown. took me out of work and told me to rest. and I did. my panic was crazy bad if I tried to leave the house. I couldn't even cope with showering...took the curtain down.

the result of this is I spent weeks and weeks and weeks doing a lot of nothing. I watched dvd's and read books and took naps. I spent years getting to that level of exhaustion. and it took many months of rest to return to even a semi normal level of fuctioning. I left my job. I lived off savings. it was worth it. I learned some tough lessons in self care.

my point of sharing this is that..... I know what it's like to be so low. to feel like....defeated by your own weakness. to feel ashamed and embarassed. to feel like you aren't going to recover and your life is just sliding down the shitter. and beat yourself up over it. but I want to tell you that when you push yourself that hard. past the point of recuperating and onward. when you push so far down the road of exhaustion you break down. that is someone who is strong and determined and ruthlessly persistent in the face of adversity. it isn't because you were weak. it's because you made yourself stay strong for so long. and it's ok to take a rest. there's a clarity that comes at the lowest point. and it becomes a Rosetta stone for building a new life. what you are enduring has meaning. it has purpose. in the end you will be stronger. more whole. more true to yourself. be kind. have mercy and compassion. don't berate yourself. if you need to rest. just rest. brush your teeth and relax. eating, sleeping, bathing. sometimes that is enough. just keep on keeping on. it gets better. it just sucks hard until then.