Our partner

My wife has DID and cheated

Dissociative Identity Disorder message board, open discussion, and online support group.

Moderators: Snaga, NewSunRising, lilyfairy

My wife has DID and cheated

Postby Bad Joke Daddy » Fri Aug 21, 2015 10:48 am

First let me apologize, as I'm sure there are similar threads already posted, but I'm rather distressed and hoping for some quick advice. We've been married for eleven years, and have a ten year old child. Nine years ago my wife slept with my best friend. We separated and after 2 1/2 years got back together. About six years ago she confided in me that she had discovered she had DID. She has two alters that I'm aware of. One of them is that of a sixteen year old girl, and the other is a 34 year old woman. The teenager, Katie, plays the classic role. Sweet, innocent, and slightly naive. The women, Katherine, is completely opposite. She is no nonsense, sexually aggressive, quick to anger, and uses her body as her weapon. It has come to light that Katherine has recently been involved in an affair with a married male acquaintance of ours. Also, she was the one that instigated the affair with my friend years earlier. When it was confirmed by the other man that they did sleep together, my wife became physically ill. We don't know how to explain to them that it wasn't actually my wife involved in the affair, or even if we should. My wife wants to seek help in reintegrating her different parts, and I'm completely behind her on this. But this new affair has opened old wounds and I'm not sure that I can handle this anymore. Even though it was her alter that did it. No matter the outcome of our marriage, I want to help her get whole again. But I find myself with no desire to have any physical contact with her whatsoever. Any advice would be much appreciated.
Bad Joke Daddy
Consumer 0
Consumer 0
 
Posts: 2
Joined: Fri Aug 21, 2015 7:04 am
Local time: Wed Jul 30, 2025 1:34 am
Blog: View Blog (0)


ADVERTISEMENT

Re: My wife has DID and cheated

Postby Una+ » Fri Aug 21, 2015 2:35 pm

Welcome to the DID Forum. The circumstances that brought you to us are indeed familiar to many older posters and readers here.

We are not an infidelity recovery support group but I can tell you what such a group would advise: individual talk therapy for both of you, from separate therapists. Do not do couples therapy or counseling at this time. It sounds like neither of you actually resolved the earlier traumas in your marriage, you only mentally put them behind you. This is called rugsweeping. It often makes problems worse.

I am kind of in your wife's situation myself. I was diagnosed with DID a few years ago after losing time while with another man. I was terrified that there might have been other encounters I did not remember and that I might have done something deeply regrettable. Turns out I did nothing bad. Whew! However I do have a history of "coming to" in sexual situations I would never choose to get into in the first place. My husband knew this about me before we married, and didn't think much about it at the time.

My situation is perhaps a little more complex than yours in that it is evident my other man also has DID. I think that, like your wife, he has a sexually aggressive alter who is able to take executive control while the host loses time. I can understand the host's confusion, horror, shame, and abject fear of being rejected and abandoned if this "stain" becomes known to others. I have experienced that myself, I see this man experiencing it too, and I have supported many other posters here who have similar problems.

Re what to communicate to the two affair partners, I think those are two separate decisions, aren't they? One was your best friend, and the other is just some guy. Which one seems harder for you? Start with the easier one first, and work carefully though your options with your therapist. Your wife do the same with her therapist. Take your time. Later, when you both have greater clarity, make your decision and take any action together.

To reiterate:
1. individual therapy, separately, for you and your wife
2. approach your wife's affair partners with caution, and if possible with compassion
3. take your time and above all take care of yourself

If you are up to it, read my story (link below).
Dx DID older woman married w kids. 0 Una, host + 3, 1, 5. 1 animal. 2 older man. 3 teen girl. 4 girl behind amnesia wall. 5 girl in love. Our thread.
Una+
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 7227
Joined: Sun Apr 10, 2011 3:17 pm
Local time: Wed Jul 30, 2025 7:34 am
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: My wife has DID and cheated

Postby TheCollective » Sat Aug 22, 2015 11:37 am

The only way this will not keep repeating is if Katherine herself would see the damage she causes and stops 'cheating'. We're in a similar boat and we've caused our husband to lose his 'best friend' almost 9 years ago (honestly he was a d!ckhead because otherwise he wouldn't take his 'best friend's' woman no matter what).
The only reason this hasn't happened again is because our sexual alter sacrifices her other men. She has to have a reason for that. Reasons for us are hurting the other alters (which requires communication, compassion and cooperation between all the alters), creating too much chaos in our life which hurts the collective, our life and people around us, and actually having a bond with our husband even though she still isn't sexually attracted to him (like many of us aren't). What also helped a lot is giving the sexual alter the opportunity to expand her identity to being about more than just sex and 'rock and roll'.
Being in a relationship with someone who has DID is like being in some kind of relationship with all the alters (obviously not the romantic kind with everyone). It's just as complex and requires as much work as any relationship, X the number of active alters. It took our relationship many years to recover from the cheating as well, and even made for many years of completely absent sexual relations. I'm not sure if all the hurt is completely resolved, but I can honestly say that after all these years of hard work and everything, it really has brought the collective, all of the alters, and our husband closer together.
I actually did tell the 'best friend' about our DID but I think that may well be an individual decision. There really aren't any 'quick' advices here. This is a seriously complicated situation. I hope you will get through it eventually and that it will make all of your relationships stronger as it has ours. Therapy (good therapy!, not just any) would surely help. Personally neither of us have had very successful therapy experiences but that doesn't mean it couldn't help you guys.
~TheCollective, F. 31

Dx DID, C-PTSD, BPD. Suspect bipolar.
Rx citalopram 20 mg, depakine 600 mg, abilify 5 mg
User avatar
TheCollective
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 808
Joined: Sun Jul 03, 2011 8:23 pm
Local time: Wed Jul 30, 2025 8:34 am
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: My wife has DID and cheated

Postby Bad Joke Daddy » Sat Aug 22, 2015 6:31 pm

My wife and I have talked fairly extensively about this situation over the last few days. My first post was rather disjointed and I seemed to have left out a lot of the little details, but I believe I was able to get the gist across. My wife ultimately wants integration, and so does Katie. Katherine is skeptical about it because she doesn't want to disappear, but if reintegration meant sharing consciousness as a whole, she wouldn't mind. These are things we talked about just last night. I'm also beginning to wonder. Is it possible for an alter to have an alter? Katherine calls upon Katie to do things she can't, like writing. Katie is very timid and usually does things Katherine wants without question. And there was one instance where Katherine got extremely frustrated and upset, and made Katie talk to me for a while.

As I said before, I want to help my wife become one again if it's possible, but if not, could there be a way to compromise between myself and the three of them? Also as an update, the alters actually helped me overcome my aversion to physical contact. I'm still not exactly sure how. I care about all of them, and don't want any harm to come to them. I guess it's because I see them all as extensions of my wife, even with the differing personalities. Every time, I learn a little more about the abuse my wife experienced as a teenager, and it only makes me more determined to protect her, and them if that's what it takes. They are all frightened of the same things, it seems, and I have always reinforced the idea that I won't do that to them, not will I let it be done by others.

Again, I apologize for my scatterbrained post, but I have so much going through my mind, it's hard to commit to writing in an orderly fashion
Bad Joke Daddy
Consumer 0
Consumer 0
 
Posts: 2
Joined: Fri Aug 21, 2015 7:04 am
Local time: Wed Jul 30, 2025 1:34 am
Blog: View Blog (0)


Return to Dissociative Identity Disorder Forum




  • Related articles
    Replies
    Views
    Last post

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 29 guests