by Una+ » Fri Aug 21, 2015 2:35 pm
Welcome to the DID Forum. The circumstances that brought you to us are indeed familiar to many older posters and readers here.
We are not an infidelity recovery support group but I can tell you what such a group would advise: individual talk therapy for both of you, from separate therapists. Do not do couples therapy or counseling at this time. It sounds like neither of you actually resolved the earlier traumas in your marriage, you only mentally put them behind you. This is called rugsweeping. It often makes problems worse.
I am kind of in your wife's situation myself. I was diagnosed with DID a few years ago after losing time while with another man. I was terrified that there might have been other encounters I did not remember and that I might have done something deeply regrettable. Turns out I did nothing bad. Whew! However I do have a history of "coming to" in sexual situations I would never choose to get into in the first place. My husband knew this about me before we married, and didn't think much about it at the time.
My situation is perhaps a little more complex than yours in that it is evident my other man also has DID. I think that, like your wife, he has a sexually aggressive alter who is able to take executive control while the host loses time. I can understand the host's confusion, horror, shame, and abject fear of being rejected and abandoned if this "stain" becomes known to others. I have experienced that myself, I see this man experiencing it too, and I have supported many other posters here who have similar problems.
Re what to communicate to the two affair partners, I think those are two separate decisions, aren't they? One was your best friend, and the other is just some guy. Which one seems harder for you? Start with the easier one first, and work carefully though your options with your therapist. Your wife do the same with her therapist. Take your time. Later, when you both have greater clarity, make your decision and take any action together.
To reiterate:
1. individual therapy, separately, for you and your wife
2. approach your wife's affair partners with caution, and if possible with compassion
3. take your time and above all take care of yourself
If you are up to it, read my story (link below).
Dx DID older woman married w kids.
0 Una, host + 3, 1, 5. 1 animal.
2 older man. 3 teen girl.
4 girl behind amnesia wall. 5 girl in love.
Our thread.