New to awareness and have questions ??

Hi Everybody

I am 34 female. About two months ago I told myself to go look in this notebook on my table and WOW! what a suprise. So there is more than one of me inside me and I guess I have always suspected but never really accepted and still struggling with that now. I think I have functioned fairly well since college with some internal communication and rules. I can usually access basic life data about myself and have managed to keep things more or less from spiraling completely out of control. I have a few questions if anybody and everybody could chime in, I would really appreciate hearing your experiences.

When and How did you first realize and accept being plural?

How comfortable do you feel disclosing to loved ones?

How in the world can I actually be honest with a Therapist? Do I really even need one?

How do you agree on a SO?
(I was dating nice boy, but...well you know. Not all of us agreed on keeping him, and he pretty much figured it out (No one has ever busted me before!!!) and he keeps sort of hanging on for things to be like they were with the other parts)

Thank you so much!

***TRIGGER WARNING*** inside part damaged, scary and needs help

I have been using a communications notebook as diligently as I can and telling everyone we are safe. I am 34 and have a safe home and nobody hurts us. I have had some interesting experiences and one being an awareness of a damaged girl about 7-9 years old. Like she is physically not ok and I want to help her I just don't know how. She is scared, and angry, and hurt. How can I help us? Her name is Raven and I think she might be sort of not completely alive? It is hard to explain. She is very damaged.

***End Trigger Warning***

Some of us have been regularly talking to each other for a while. Others do not participate. I have some co-consciousness at times. Other times not so much. Just really need to hear from other people that can relate.

BeccaBee wrote:Hi Everybody

I am 34 female. About two months ago I told myself to go look in this notebook on my table and WOW! what a suprise. So there is more than one of me inside me and I guess I have always suspected but never really accepted and still struggling with that now. I think I have functioned fairly well since college with some internal communication and rules. I can usually access basic life data about myself and have managed to keep things more or less from spiraling completely out of control. I have a few questions if anybody and everybody could chime in, I would really appreciate hearing your experiences.

When and How did you first realize and accept being plural?

How comfortable do you feel disclosing to loved ones?

How in the world can I actually be honest with a Therapist? Do I really even need one?

How do you agree on a SO?
(I was dating nice boy, but...well you know. Not all of us agreed on keeping him, and he pretty much figured it out (No one has ever busted me before!!!) and he keeps sort of hanging on for things to be like they were with the other parts)

Thank you so much!

I think I was still at uni. It mainly happened after one of the alts painted "this lad has MPD" and then an equals sign to a giant amateur painting of me on the wall outside of my apartment. My alts are not very subtle, I can tell you now.

Don't need to disclose to anyone, haven't got anyone in my life. It's what happens when you dedicate yourself to crazy projects such as communism or a tractor powered by sadness and francium, it would be used on the Kolkhoz in Soviet Russia....then the wall collapsed and the Kolkhoz disappeared.

Just tell them what you feel is right I suppose. Never had one myself but I've only overcome my problems within the system through building a world, urban planning and at the start an Orwellian dystopia based of 1984. That's right back in the day were were 1984. And to this day we still follow IngSoc or in oldspeak: English Socialism. So I've never really needed one.

There are a select few alts out of the billions I have that actually are allowed out or concern themselves with the outside world. And we rarely vote on the outside world, I've got no social life so that's not a problem and I'm indefinite sick pay due to poor mental health. So there's nothing they can really interfere with, so we don't concern ourselves with what goes on outside.

Inside however is a different story, mainly through democratic voting between the Politburo members.

Hi BeccaBee (and Raven and any others). Welcome to the DID Forum.

When and How did you first realize and accept being plural?

I met a man. Contacts with the man put my system on high alert and all my various symptoms, that previously had been infrequent enough that I tended to forget about them and never twigged that they were all related, flared up. I went to a therapist (therapy really helps) and began doing self work. What came up was The man is just like me, and he needs help. Huh? My therapist at the time refused to discuss my diagnosis so I went online and in like 5 minutes found out it was DID. When my husband walked in the room I told him "I know what is going on with me. I have DID and so does [the man] and so does my therapist." Five years later that remains true, except I am no longer in crisis. I am thriving! For more of my story see the link in my signature below.

How comfortable do you feel disclosing to loved ones?

I didn't need to check in with myself about that. I immediately disclosed to the safe people in my life and still have not told those who are not safe people for me. Prior life experiences had taught me who was safe and who wasn't.

How in the world can I actually be honest with a Therapist? Do I really even need one?

You just do it. And the more you do it the easier it gets and the better it feels. I will never go back to keeping it all under cover.

How do you agree on a SO?

Now this is a hard question! It is possible you won't ever all agree about anything, but even so you may still find a way to make peace among the members of your system and live a life that is full and very satisfying.

BeccaBee wrote:I was dating nice boy, but...well you know. Not all of us agreed on keeping him, and he pretty much figured it out (No one has ever busted me before!!!) and he keeps sort of hanging on for things to be like they were with the other parts

Ooo. This boy could be a keeper!

As for Raven, have you asked her how you can help? Have you offered to hold her? Comforted her? Told her it is not her fault. This is really important. What happened is not her fault.

Oh my gosh I have the most exciting news!!!

Raven is feeling and looking much better! She actually came to me last night and I brushed her hair while she drank some medicine water and I told her all about everything that has happened since the long time ago. Now she has new clothes and her eyes are working much better. We have lots of fun toys at my house because my daughter is seven, so this morning we dressed up Barbies and did their hair. She is a little disappointed that the body is old and fat and hurts. Well, we all are really. She wants to take a bath and play with toys but I don't think the tub will quite accommodate that. And she wrote in the coms book which is a huge step! She actually did not realize that life was still going on but now she is out in the open with the rest of us and doing much better. I am hoping someone can make her medicine water even more effective so she can be fully healed soon. I want to do some internal shopping for her and pick out lots of clothes she can wear! I am so relieved. We were really worried about her.

Leo, thank you for your reply. I have read about your system on other posts and whoa!!! The scope is unimaginable. I wouldn't have time for a social life with all that going on either.

I have found some messages to myself before but painting on the wall is pretty brazen! I am so glad to have others to talk to and learn from.

It is so confusing when you first start to realize and accept what's going on but I am hoping that this means I am getting better. When I get the job and health insurance thing squared away I am thinking I might try to see someone professionally. I have MAJOR distrust of docs and system to overcome though. Will shop around for a good one for sure.

I have been doing some mapping which is so super hard. I hover around 10. I have a council of @5 that takes on life in the outside world and an OC that mediates and keeps the rules and stuff. I am not even super sure what OC stands for. I think it's organizational something. Chief, communicator? The OC isn't really in charge just kind of keeps the coms civil and records all the decisions and rules. So kind of a peacekeeping, mediator, record keeper.

Una+,

Gosh...THANK YOU!!! I feel like keeping secrets and just making sure no one finds out is just so ingrained, it is hard to push that boundary. I really want to improve my functioning so I can be the best Mom I can be.

The not - really - my - boyfriend is very stubborn and I can't seem to get rid of him! Ha.

I think reading some of the other posts helped Raven realize that I really wanted to help and that there were others like her and It was ok to come out-out. I am so proud of her!

When and How did you first realize and accept being plural?

I think the first time that made me question if I was a plural was when I was at school, rushing to finish a homework assignment and I cheated on the assignment. I went from feeling confident about it to feeling extremely anxious about it right after I finished the project and printed it out. I would never have cheated. It's just not something I would do. As for accepting it, I'm still semi-struggling with that.

How comfortable do you feel disclosing to loved ones?

Well, I didn't disclose anything to my family. My brother decided to go through my phone like usual and my safari happened to be set to this site. I explained what DID was to him which made him go tell my mom, who says that I've never experienced any trauma that would cause DID...yeah she's under the impression that my life is perfect...

How in the world can I actually be honest with a Therapist? Do I really even need one?

That is up to you but usually it takes time for trust to build up between a total stranger who expects you to divulge all of your troubles to him/her. It's helpful to have a therapist but once again, it's your choice.

How do you agree on a SO?

I don't think we ever have. There have been a couple of times on the internet where I have a new online SO and I don't even remember agreeing to be that person's girlfriend. I go with it since I don't want to tell the person that and end up breaking the person's heart or something. Probably why whatever alter that did that, decided to, knowing that I wouldn't have the ability to object to it or do anything about it.

Figured I would do an update in case anyone is interested and help me keep track of what's going on since my coms book keeps getting "misplaced."

Just about every part is on board for facing things...still struggling with denial but the ever increasing piles of evidence are pretty much next to impossible to escape.

I am hoping to get a job offer today. I have been majorly underemployed for about a year now and really need a steady grown up job with benefits. I think today might be the day, a lot of action on two different things so **fingers crossed**

Oh, the not-really-my-boyfriend. Man. So confused. We went to toys r us and got a rainbow sparkle princess unicorn for my birthday. (Whaaaaat? What? Why?) Because a newly aware part full of childlike joy and enthusiasm desperately NEEDED one and I could not get a moments peace! Now that i/we have a snuggly that has quieted down.

Sleeping is....just not really happening. And weird. Hoping to get better.

Awareness is super awesome in a way. I actually noticed a change yesterday. I was finishing up my work near the end of the day, I looked out the window and saw dark storm clouds approaching. All day I had been in a very jovial, joking, kind of mood. The last thought I remember was, "I have to get this done. There's a storm coming and I have to go get *daughter*"
It happened super fast. I felt my eyes roll up and right. My necks and shoulders briefly and gently tensed, and then I felt a warm liquid kind of sensation flow down my back. A little quiver. It all happened in like 2-3 seconds. What was awesome was just knowing that I did it, and not being unaware. I tried to figure out how I felt different... I mean, I still feel like me. I never really not feel like me. But i was super focused on just doing what had to be done and getting the kid home before the storm hit hard.

Sometimes i trip myself out. Even now, trying to say that this is normal and happens to everyone. Maybe it does. I am not going down that rabbit hole anymore. I don't care about labels. I care about getting better. I care about my daughter. And I want her to have a better chance than I did. I want to function and cope fabulous!

DID does "run" in my family. Has that been anyone else's experience? Is it partially genetic? Do we learn it? Is it just the odds are better when you grow up with it? Idk. Sometimes i still don't believe it's real. But i am working on that Voice.

Anyway. Long and rambly. Thanks for sharing your stories and struggles. Helps me not feel so isolated or desperate. One day at a time. And today could be a good news day so here's hoping!

Una, Johnny Jack, Makers Dozen, ShawTrav, Seangel, Viola, Leo... I feel like you are all friends I just haven't met yet and I wish the very best for you! ♡♡♡

BeccaBee wrote:DID does "run" in my family. Has that been anyone else's experience?

Yes. That happens a lot. In families DID can be transmitted from one generation to the next. The transmission isn't necessarily genetic, though, because this pattern has been documented also in families by adoption.

Most of the published work on the topic of DID running in families, the natural history of DID, is by Richard Kluft, MD. There is also this paper by Peter Barach, PhD:

Peter Barach: Multiple Personality Disorder as an Attachment Disorder

Given that it is behavioral, transmission of DID can be prevented. Prevention is likely if the highly dissociative parent has appropriate support and the family receives timely intervention services. For parents and other caregivers the ISSTD has several helpful documents:

ISSTD: Child & Adolescent

Good luck today, BeccaBee; I hope the job works out well for you.

I'm glad that you're becoming more aware of switches. I try to but sometimes I don't notice them. For instance, my brother and I were downstairs in the kitchen, talking, when my brother said that my face twitched and that my eyes changed shape and got smaller (not sure what he meant by that. In the morning, he always comments that I have very big eyes, but my face feels the same). Anyway, I didn't notice the twitch at all. There are a lot of movements I do that I don't notice that he always points out. There have also been a few times where I'll be in the car with my mom and she'll be yelling at me, and she'll say, "Wipe that look off your face before I smack it off" and I have no idea what face she meant. But I'm glad your awareness is getting better.

Violarules wrote:with my mom and she'll be yelling at me, and she'll say, "Wipe that look off your face before I smack it off" and I have no idea what face she meant.

Perhaps this isn't about you at all. Perhaps it is not your DID manifesting at all, but instead it reflects some garbage that exists entirely in your mom's mind.

When I was little my mother sometimes would suddenly out of nowhere strike me in the face. Then she would tell me I was to blame: she didn't like the look on my face. A few years ago during one of my infrequent visits she struck me from behind and, as usual, then she told me I was to blame. I am not sure her abuse of me was ever about me. According to my father, my mother would frequently confide to him all manner of incredibly ugly thoughts, motivations, and unobserved behaviors that she "just knew" about other people, all figments of her imagination. These were projections of the toxic contents of her own mind.

Una+ wrote:

Violarules wrote:with my mom and she'll be yelling at me, and she'll say, "Wipe that look off your face before I smack it off" and I have no idea what face she meant.

Perhaps this isn't about you at all. Perhaps it is not your DID manifesting at all, but instead it reflects some garbage that exists entirely in your mom's mind.

When I was little my mother sometimes would suddenly out of nowhere strike me in the face. Then she would tell me I was to blame: she didn't like the look on my face. A few years ago during one of my infrequent visits she struck me from behind and, as usual, then she told me I was to blame. I am not sure her abuse of me was ever about me. According to my father, my mother would frequently confide to him all manner of incredibly ugly thoughts, motivations, and unobserved behaviors that she "just knew" about other people, all figments of her imagination. These were projections of the toxic contents of her own mind.

That last part definitely sounds like my mom. She refused to talk to her father in Arkansas, thinking he was calling because of some untrue rumor her siblings had spread about her, when he was probably just calling to say hi. I had to force her to talk to him and she had a pleasant conversation with him too. She always says that she thinks that I hate her, when I don't. She sort of has this mindset that the whole world is against her and I think that stems from her being the oldest of 14 kids, where her mom would place the blame on her if her siblings did something wrong and the fact that she was the only one who's father wasn't the same father as the rest of her siblings so she thinks some of her siblings resent the fact that their father treated her as one of his own when she wasn't. I don't think that's true at all, but trying to tell her that is like trying to speak to a brick wall so it's not worth trying to convince her otherwise.