New to awareness and have questions ??

I first realized I was plural when I had a sudden episode where I thought I was a completely different person. It ended up being the first alter I met, N. It was sort of a split off, but sort of not. The best way I can explain it is a kind of close cofront. I can't remember how long it lasted. I guess it wasn't too hard for me to accept it. It's hard to deal with, at some times, but not recognizing it will do nothing for me.

It depends. I have a lot of friends and family who don't know, but everyone really close to me has been told or has figured it out themselves. I generally try not to tell people.

I don't know. It's hard for me, and I've been seeing mine for a while.

We don't. We date as separate beings; all my alters are allowed to have their own partners if they want to and it's not destructive to anyone in the system. I currently have a partner. Some of the others like him, some don't.

I'm sorry. S is sort of the same way. It's hard for me to deal with her, so I can't give any advice on that part.

Figured I might as well do an update. I am feeling very unsettled, nervous, a little on edge about handling so many different changes all at once.

Starting a new gig on monday which is through a temp agency...although the goal on both sides is a permanent placement it feels nerve-wracking just knowing they could ditch me anytime for any reason and I really, really need the money.

The not really my boyfriend has impacted child care arrangements. He was to be the one picking up the kid. Now I am in doubt about who can back me up if/when I am expected to work late (as discussed at interview). I tried to enroll in something closer (and more expensive) but no open slots.

New school year is starting in a week for the little bit and that means changes for her too.

The one happy stable thing is I have managed to hang on to my house so we are all settled here.

There is so much up in the air right now. I hate that feeling. Trying to roll with it and take it as it comes. But I am a little nervous.... about everything.

One thing I am certain of: even though the not-really-my - boyfriend is pushing hard for reconciliation there is no way I am letting that happen again. Guess he needs a new name, huh?

Any suggestions on coping with the changes?

Partly why I am so nervous is this new job is very similar to old one where I sort of lost it following surgery. There was just too much stress squeezed into this 6 month period and the panic went through the roof. The "me" that did that job checked out and it was really difficult trying to hop in not knowing what I was doing. I did have an inside voice telling me the steps as I went but my rage was barely controlled and I felt on the verge of completely losing it every day - which is where I think the panic came from. I guess I am afraid of the same sort of scenario again. Just worried. Anxious. Too much uncertainty. Need help with the kid and have no family. Ok. Pity party over and out.

This new temporary job does not sound like a good fit for you. You can't do your best work or expect to make a great impression with the management when you are on the edge of a panic attack. And you need a job where you are not dependent on an ex for transportation.

I hope the agency comes up with something more suitable for you soon.

Feeling slightly better now that I got the child care squared away. I found something with the hours and location I needed. This is a HUGE relief since childcare was going to be an issue no matter what.

I am somewhat nervous about the temp job being so similar to the last gig. I was fine there for years but unraveled in the end. I think this is a blessing in that it can help me better understand if it was the environment, the stress, or the people.

***trigger warning - violence***

For myself I think it was being around people I truly hated so much I wanted to assault them and I began to worry that I might actually snap and hurt someone - my panic always started with rage. And I was getting unwanted and detailed visuals... have you ever felt that way? Like you might just flip? (I don't want to be too descriptive and upset anyone. Just assault type stuff.)

***trigger warning end***

In the meantime though. I can make some decent money pretty quick, see how I feel about the place, and in the meantime I might have something else pan out. (2 possibilities in the works! )

Childcare worry down. Ready to conquer this next hurdle.

One thing at a time. Huzzah.

BeccaBee wrote:***trigger warning - violence***

For myself I think it was being around people I truly hated so much I wanted to assault them and I began to worry that I might actually snap and hurt someone - my panic always started with rage. And I was getting unwanted and detailed visuals... have you ever felt that way? Like you might just flip? (I don't want to be too descriptive and upset anyone. Just assault type stuff.)

***trigger warning end***

Yes I have had this as well. I won't go into detail but if you could see the images that go through my head when angry with someone, you'd probably want to get as far away from me as possible. But yes, I relate.

BeccaBee wrote:Leo, thank you for your reply. I have read about your system on other posts and whoa!!! The scope is unimaginable. I wouldn't have time for a social life with all that going on either.

I have found some messages to myself before but painting on the wall is pretty brazen! I am so glad to have others to talk to and learn from.

It is so confusing when you first start to realize and accept what's going on but I am hoping that this means I am getting better. When I get the job and health insurance thing squared away I am thinking I might try to see someone professionally. I have MAJOR distrust of docs and system to overcome though. Will shop around for a good one for sure.

I have been doing some mapping which is so super hard. I hover around 10. I have a council of @5 that takes on life in the outside world and an OC that mediates and keeps the rules and stuff. I am not even super sure what OC stands for. I think it's organizational something. Chief, communicator? The OC isn't really in charge just kind of keeps the coms civil and records all the decisions and rules. So kind of a peacekeeping, mediator, record keeper.

Oh thank you, it was actually quite easy to make the system, we just copied what happened in 1984 and then removed the evil parts of it so it became benevolent dictatorship.

And I think I could get a social life, it's just I'm too strange. And it's not the DiD I'm talking about.

I'm also quite glad to be able to talk the others....not much to learn from them though, they're all far too interested in making it illegal to not drink broccoli juice or making me go to Comic-Con to see if I'll puke up my own entrails or have a conversation with someone that doesn't end with me running away as fast as I can and then falling down several flights of stairs in hilarious fashion why Scott Joplin's The Entertainer is playing in my head, whichever comes first as they put it, I guarantee it'll be the former. So until I do puke up my own entrails they won't stop sending me on "cultural exchanges".

At first I was quite confused as to how I got it and to this day we've put it down to dissociation with reality but I figured out that it's not as bad as sounded quite early on because my alts are like me: placid and harmless so I don't have to worry about one of them being some off the rails psychopath.

I can relate with not trusting psychs, though where I am there's no help for mental health problems let alone DiD so I've had to in a way treat myself for DiD. I wouldn't mind seeing a psych for other problems I have but DiD is fine now, it used to be bad. What with the civil war and that.

I guess I should be quite glad with my system, it might be huge but at the same time it means that there's only a few alts I actually have to take any notice of.

That does sound right for the OC, we have entire government ministries dedicated to all sorts of little jobs but it does create employment. I've heard OC before but when I heard it meant "original character" so it could be original, but organisational chief does sound right as they would be in charge of organisational efforts.