Questioning the subjective experience of DID

One thing that is experientially confusing is that I still have only a dim sense of other subjectivities (alters). I'm one, and I know there are these other ways that the body acts, and I might see them, but I don't interact with them. I don't converse with them. I don't think of them as other people. Duh, of course they are me. Who else are they going to be? I don't know what I think of them as, just, other versions of myself. Still me. Mostly I don't think of them. Until recently, when there is this big deal on treating "the problem," and the problem is me. This whole "DID" business doesn't make a lot of sense. It strikes me as naval gazing New Age psychobabble. Yesterday my SO was interrogating me and trying to convince me that these other things and memory lapses (which are very minor) have to do with other "people" in my head. Claptrap, that's my first thought! Yeah, but there is something to it. The other subjectivities that have been posting thousands of posts are me. They don't believe the same things as me. They are different. Not totally different. Still me. I don't know what I'm trying to say. What about Occam's Razer? Doesn't it make more sense that I'd be forgetful and dopey and moody than that I'd have a city of people inhabiting my mind? I wonder if I'm a victim of gaslighting... by myself.

Nondescript wrote:The other subjectivities that have been posting thousands of posts are me. They don't believe the same things as me. They are different. Not totally different. Still me.

[...]

I wonder if I'm a victim of gaslighting... by myself.

I have felt this more times than I care to remember or keep track of. These alters, these parts, are all me, but at the same time they're not me, and how exactly does that work when some of them are completely different from me? Some of them remind me of a younger me, some of them are practically completely different people...

You are not alone in these thoughts, Nondescript. There are some days where I question everything, every experience. Sometimes I question if I'm really me or if I'm just someone else in this body, and someone else is actually the "original".

Sometimes it really is surreal.

Given all these many subjective experiences, and your husband's objective corroboration, the most parsimonious explanation (Occam's razor) is DID.

What you are experiencing now is typical denial. Denial rationalizes away each and every symptom, one by one, using such contorted logic as "For some as yet inexplicable reason, I am just gas-lighting everyone including myself". If that were the case, then you would still have a diagnosable disorder (factitious disorder), or even two or more of them.

I've been there, done that. I remember having exactly the same thoughts and saying as much to my husband and therapist. I even remember posting about it here, and having other posters assure me they've been there, done that too.

My SO and I have shared these types of conversations repeatedly with one another... taking our denial turns. I have pushed through the gamut of explanations from hormones to possible brain tumors but eventually it always comes back to the same thing for me. DID. Today, I know that I have a group of very special parts inside. I have come to believe that I needed them and I am thankful for all they have done/withstood but that, in and of itself, is reason enough for me to long for denial at times. My T and I laugh a little at the "move along, nothing to see here" attitude I so often display. It serves a purpose for me...a safe place to tuck away at times.

D

Thanks to each of you for your replies here.

I find it painful and difficult to reply to any of it. I am confused and afraid of inadvertently lying. I was aware when the post was written, but it doesn't reflect my views. Last night, after months of dealing with intrusion into my conversations with my husband by this part who vehemently denied DID, that part fully surfaced and interacted in detail with my husband. He was able to identify qualities and traits of this part that are not the same as those of others. I, too, struggle with not being sure what is happening, whether that part is "me in a different mood," or an alter. I also wonder at times whether any of this really matters, or whether it is just a distraction from really living, another avoidance tactic. But I know I have DID, and that it doesn't conform to typical representations (in media) but that it is the way my brain/mind has organized itself.

I am sorry that all of you who replied have suffered this denial problem, and happy that Una+, for one, has surpassed it. May we all get there.

Update: My husband has been having conversations with this denial part for the past two days, and with his feedback, I am starting to understand that this part of me, who is different from me in beliefs and self-identity, is actually in control very frequently, maybe more than I am, and may be a big part of the reason my therapy is going so very slowly.

But I think this suffering part of me is brave to speak her denial rather than keeping it to herself, where it would not be challenged. She is seeking the light even though it is painful and scary. I am curious to know who she might be without the burden of covering up and hiding all the time.

p.s. Sorry to be annoying, but all of this is wrong. It feels like someone is playing a trick on me and I don't know who to trust. I don't believe in these diseases. They are a trick to make people feel everything is their own fault and that people aren't good enough as they are. I don't know why this is happening to me. It is a nightmare. Here I am, posting on a forum for people with DID because somewhere in my mind I think I have that. I'm sure that you kind people do have what you say you have. For me, not so sure. The sky feels like it is bursting open. My head hurts so much. I get that it's time for something to change and all the other things I tried didn't work. Maybe this is true. But it's a scary thought.

Wow! That's great insight!!!

Nondescript wrote:But I think this suffering part of me is brave to speak her denial rather than keeping it to herself, where it would not be challenged. She is seeking the light even though it is painful and scary. I am curious to know who she might be without the burden of covering up and hiding all the time.

Yes, so much brave to speak up, and to go through the pain. Wow, what you say about how she might be without that burden, is amazing.

We cheer for her, for you, for all of you. Feeling very, very happy for you.

Sea

-- Tue Mar 24, 2015 10:37 pm --

You just switched.

Nondescript wrote:p.s. Sorry to be annoying, but all of this is wrong. It feels like someone is playing a trick on me and I don't know who to trust. I don't believe in these diseases. They are a trick to make people feel everything is their own fault and that people aren't good enough as they are. I don't know why this is happening to me. It is a nightmare. Here I am, posting on a forum for people with DID because somewhere in my mind I think I have that. I'm sure that you kind people do have what you say you have. For me, not so sure. The sky feels like it is bursting open. My head hurts so much. I get that it's time for something to change and all the other things I tried didn't work. Maybe this is true. But it's a scary thought.

You are being so very much brave for posting, it's ok to express however you feel, to express your doubts, to look for things that do make sense. You'll find the answer, because you are all looking for it, and as a team, you'll get it.

^_^

No, everything is not people's fault, and yes people are good enough as they are. The thing is that sometimes people are hurting inside, and they look for ways to heal.

You are very kind, and it's ok to feel scary thoughts, and I hope your head doesn't hurt so much.

Sea

I am struggling so much with this. I feel like I accept i have DID, but this other part of myself is going through extreme denial. She has a position that life is just naturally terrible, and DID is an explanation for it when no one really needs an explanation because everybody suffers. How can I even argue with something so convoluted and illogical? My husband has been spending time with her arguing with this, and it is completely pointless. He tells me that it can't be healthy for me to spend so much time denying what is happening. I agree, but I can't get through. I think Una+ and others have said it just takes time. It's hard waiting. I want to see what it's like not to have this attitude holding my progress back.

Last night, I was waiting to fall asleep and I had an experience of feeling like in that moment I was myself. It was a rare experience of clarity. Then I became aware of how unpresent I am in my own life. And then I felt how I am not the same as Alex, or Alison, or the denial part, and so on. It felt important. Another important part of the experience was that I felt like a woman my own age who is a mother and wife. I almost never experience that. This morning I know I am influenced by "responsible" parts of me that tend to reinforce the woman/mother/right age experience but I still feel in touch with that experience of clarity separate from their influence. At the same time, I feel on the edge of the denial alter.

But then as I was going to sleep, I started experiencing a revolving door with blackouts. (This has happened a lot lately.) It seems like some alters were awake, others asleep. I could feel the isolation and hopelessness of the denial alter. I wondered how to bring her closer but every time I would try, I would "go away."

This is all so strange sometimes. It seems like it will never end.

Alex: In the past few days I have noticed incidents of feeling more like myself, as well. This, following months of uncertainty and fogginess. I imagine this is a critical step in a process of gaining greater awareness of who we are.

I have no idea what to say to be honest, but i can relate in some ways. I mean my protector got pretty mad i even started exploring this because he thinks '' we will go crazy'' and not be able to handle stuff anymore. You seem to be much further on the road of recovery so i think youre doing great it just takes time.

Yes, that is a pointless argument. The fits of denial seem to be something many if not most of us experience. In my case it became a kind of well-worn joke with my husband. In a typical fit of denial I would make some absurd comment like "I have got to be making this stuff up" and he would just smile fondly.