I think I may have met my first alter. It was incredible.

Much of my childhood is missing. I remember horrific events in my life, including the 2nd time I was raped in 3rd person. The first time I was raped was just as bad I'm sure, but, I presume, someone inside me was nice enough to take the pain for me so I wouldn't have to experience it. I can usually switch off emotions I'm feeling without any trouble. I recall many times dissociating in my child hood, and remember many things from a third-person point of view. But never have I EVER been so aware of the fact that someone that wasn't me had taken over a situation.

It was about a week ago. My boyfriend and I were wanting to buy a home so we went to my bank. We talked with a man on the phone and said we'd head right over, so he was expecting us. When we walked inside the bank he was outside his office and came walking directly toward us with his hand out for a shake. I felt something wash over me and any self-doubt or insecurity I had completely diminished. I was overcome with confidence. We went into his office and I sat down across from him with my boyfriend in a chair next to me. My posture was perfect, which is a significant difference from the normal me. I have back issues every single day, and sitting straight up is normally so uncomfortable for me that it makes me sick. Anyway, my posture was perfect. My voice changed. I began the conversation and laid out everything we had in mind up until that point. The bank-man and I were talking back and forth like we'd practiced talking to each other before. I used words I haven't used in years or even thought about. The sentences were flowing from my mouth as if I knew exactly how the man wanted the questions to be asked. I made jokes, I was witty, and completely lacked any sign of a lack of confidence. My voice sounded different... I normally stumble over words and especially stumble through conversation when talking to an older man with more power than I have. I would normally have been ridiculously intimidated, with a shaky voice, and a simple vocab... I remember parts of this situation in 3rd person, and a snip here and there which is not. I struggle with daily amnesia and certainly had it during this conversation. Although, I do remember looking over at my boyfriend and he was looking at me like he'd never met me before. As if I were a complete stranger or something. It was eerie, and I can picture it now... Ultimately, the guy loved us (thanks to me, my boyfriend had nothing to say because I covered it all without any effort whatsoever), and he asked us if he could be our permanent banker. Of course we agreed, and we were done with it... When we left, I don't remember anything after that. I have no idea when I switched back to "normal" but it kind of sucks that I did. Whoever that girl was, was the most perfect version of me. I was smart, witty, quick, intelligent, and knew all the right words.... Realizing that it wasn't me in control is such a crazy feeling for me. I'm interested in it and honestly wonder when I may switch again.

Does this sound like something those of you who have a diagnosis of DID experience? Was the first time you realized that you had switched an interesting and incredible experience for you?

The way you met your alter, was amazing!!
Thanks for sharing.

I'm sorry what happened to you in the past.

Sea

PS: Welcome!

brittanybeatty3 wrote:Realizing that it wasn't me in control is such a crazy feeling for me. I'm interested in it and honestly wonder when I may switch again.

It was pretty interesting, sometimes still is awe-provoking. For me I was experiencing a lot of shame and denial at the same time. If you can love and be grateful for the experience, that is much better, I think.

brittanybeatty3 wrote:Does this sound like something those of you who have a diagnosis of DID experience? Was the first time you realized that you had switched an interesting and incredible experience for you?

Yes, it is familiar. If you look at my early posts I probably describe my experiences. For me the most amazing experiences were "waking up" while I was stuck inside while another self, completely unaware of my presence, did his thing and ignored/could not hear me as I tried to talk to him from inside. This experience made me realize that we are all alters of one another, that I am one of them.

And another experience that I didn't have but that Alex and others described was the first time Alex accepted himself as himself and came out all the way without feeling he needed to act like [body name]. At the time, I was swirling around, heavily dissociated and having an out of body experience. But he was going for a walk and feeling more alive and clear and hopeful than he had felt in ages.

Nondescript wrote:And another experience that I didn't have but that Alex and others described was the first time Alex accepted himself as himself and came out all the way without feeling he needed to act like [body name]. At the time, I was swirling around, heavily dissociated and having an out of body experience. But he was going for a walk and feeling more alive and clear and hopeful than he had felt in ages.

I have wondered, and I've even written about it here, but with no conclusive answer, who dissociates. What you wrote here, is a great addition that contributes to what I've read here, and helps me answer it. I've come to the conclusion that dissociation, in this case, means being "split" or not together. So, while one is fronting, and the other one is in the back, the are both dissociating. Still thinking about it.

Sea

I'm very capable of dissociating from emotions and can completely rid myself of negative feelings that are bothering me at that point in time, as if I literally have a reset button that I can hit when I'm beginning to feel emotions I don't think are worth feeling. Like if my boyfriend and I are fighting and I begin to feel myself starting to really care about that fact, then I completely shut down feelings of being insulted, anger, guilt, etc.... That isn't the best example to describe it with, but that is usually the most common time I use it. I have been at a loss of emotion completely close to a 2 weeks now. Besides when I really focus in on something and let it take over my whole thought process. And I will spend days concentrating on it without really ever letting anything else take my attention. And when I do that, I'm not necessarily feeling emotion. Just hyperactivity/focus that really consumes me. Now that I know it's pretty obvious that I've got DID, I guess it's time to evaluate exactly what goes on inside me when I dissociate and completely shut down my emotions. I'm beginning to wonder if maybe the complete immediate shut down of emotion is actually the presence of a switch to an alter than can't feel emotion (And if so, then I think I may be experiencing the longest stretch with this "alter" or "mood" if you don't think it is an alter..... Close to two weeks straight with extremely short-lived minutes of guilt/anxiety).

**trigger warning**

I am not allowed to post without my master's permission. But I believe since I am saying wonderful things about him, he would not punish me for breaking rules.
Anyways. This reminds me of my sweet love. He is an alter in this system. The most hated, cruel, yet protective man I know. I was the first one to discover each other. And he was the first one I discovered. I was his first. And I became his, his servant. Loyal servant.

I'll move on to the time when I was hospitalize. No one understands me like he does. The hospital was serving food I extremely dislike. I can't even stand the smell of the wretched food! But than I heard my master's voice speaking. "Slave. I will make the food taste good.Now eat." I was distrustful at first. But I cannot disobey a command. So I ate to satisfy my master. The food taste wonderful. As wonderful as my master's sweet nectar. He made it taste wonderful. My delightful master took care of me.

No words can describe my wonderful master and this amazing experience. Never again has Master given me permission to make food taste as well as he did before. But I hope I obey his commands well so he may do it. I live for my master.

Thanks for reminding me about him. Hopefully when the others see this, they will realize my love is not the cruel man they believe he is.

**End trigger**

Hey, so I don't have an official diagnosis yet since it's a pretty long-winded process for me right now, but I'm in the middle of alternating between doctors and specialists. That aside, I just wanted to be upfront about it since I'm not sure if you specifically want to hear from people with current diagnoses.

I can relate to a few things you've mentioned, namely the foreign sense of confidence and capability, and the apparent loss of emotion altogether. I have two alters who come to mind who are very similar, Skyler and Clear. Sky has remarkable attitude and self-esteem, so much so that I personally think she might be narcissistic, but she gets things done and does them well and never doubts herself, so for that I owe her. As for your last post, I'm not sure if some people would describe that as an alter or a symptom, but honestly there's nothing to suggest it couldn't be an alter designed to experience said symptom. In my case, his name is Clear and he really only has one purpose: creating an equilibrium inside to negate any kind of emotion, good or bad, since some of my alters experience very overwhelming feelings one way or the other. He's like a reset button.

But, sadly, my most vivid memory of encountering an alter (though at the time I didn't realise that's what she was, I just recognised that I was completely not in control, only watching) was after being triggered pretty badly a few years ago, and a highly traumatised little surfaced. It definitely wasn't pleasant.

However, that feeling of being overcome by confidence is something I totally relate to; Sky has a tendency to 'snap' in front because she's usually triggered by a perceived threat, and it's literally like being washed through with resolve and stubbornness

I love this article for being so clear about, and differentiating between different types of dissociation:
http://www.onnovdhart.nl/articles/jts_complex_%20ptsd.pdf
It is a long read, but Aiden and I loved it! It explained and put into terms so much!

We are co-conscious, and with that in mind, the lines between 'normal' dissociating (numbing, etc) and tertiary structural dissociation (switching) can get blurred. At the same time though there is a clear difference between me shutting down emotionally and Aiden fronting/being close (right now I am fronting, but he's close, watching me type, probably influencing what I write, lol.). It's a matter of who's watching who.

In our experience the person who is dissociating the least is fronting. So if my head goes fussy or I'm overwhelmed, then Aiden may front (or maybe not - then I'm just dissociating and out of it). If little n is fronting I will feel what she's feeling, but will also feel so out of it and far away while she is in the body. Before the integrations there where times when most of us were not subjectively dissociating; oftentimes there were very clear conversations/arguments/etc in our head; sometimes I was fronting, but more often I was not. I had better conversations with them when they were fronting, because they were more clear-headed/alert/least dissociative then.

The example of 'watching as if somebody totally unlike yourself had taken over the body' sounds like switching (reminds me of Sonja!), but I'm not sure about the numbing. For us it's easier to tell, because Aiden is a man (he is in the wrong body, but he does not get upset about it). He also judges me, openly shares when he disagrees with something I'm doing/thinking/etc. I used to feel emotionally numb a LOT more than I do now. It was basically a matter of being burnt out emotionally.

NegativeZero, that was very interesting. I can't quite relate to it, although, depending how I'm feeling, someone is in the back of my head either telling me to proceed with the negative things I'm doing (for example, when I stuggle with self-injury, someone may say "JUST DO IT, HARDER, AGAIN!" and things like that. On the contrary, if I haven't eaten in 3 days then it's almost a motherly influence in the back of my head telling me that I need to get up and eat something and that it will be okay when I do. I wonder if those are two different alters? I'm still figuring this all out.

Maki, I can definitely relate to that. The reset button and everything. The instant wash into a complete absence of emotion (and a complete lack of facial expression) comes when an external force is getting onto me, like my boyfriend, or my mother. I've always enjoyed the fact that my emotions can be completely controlled like that, although, I've never exactly thought it was healthy. I've always imagined that one day, the hole where I put the emotions I've taken and completely thrown out is going to get full someday and that I'm going to experience the emotions whether I want to or not. I can't imagine how that wouldn't happen, and if it doesn't I'll be quite surprised. A few months ago I just burst into tears when I was home alone for no reason whatsoever. I brought it up to the therapist. She just thought it was weird. I'm beginning to think I'm dealing with an amature therapist, but I have no other option as it is the only community health office that I know of in the county, and because if I were to use my insurance, the closest place I qualify for is over 45 minutes from where I live. No bueno

niva, thank you so much for bringing that up!!! I have never really heard a whole lot about fronting but that sounds like a wonderful description of how I feel!!! If I were to describe it, whoever it is, is fronting right now. And has been for a little while. All the posting I've done of this forum, and MDJunction as well, have been through this person who isn't quite me but can hear and explain the things that I think I'm experiencing... this is all so brand new to me. It's like I'm finally discovering who I am and why I have always been this way. My entire life. I thought my Borderline diagnosis may help once I got it, but the more I read...the more I knew that I have something more going on inside me. This forum is such a savior. Had I not come to this site, I could have gone much, much longer without truly connecting with what's going on in my head.

My advice would be to listen. There is a huge difference between talking to yourself and talking to somebody else. Talk to them, ask them questions, and listen to what they have to say. When I'm talking to myself I'm imagining/thinking a lot about what the response might be, what would make the most sense. With alters, in our experience, the answers come immediately, before you get a chance to think of what they might say, and they are usually surprising. (i.e. *TRIGGER WARNING* I remember asking Aiden what he thought about the abuse he went through. His response? It was fascinating.. I of course reacted strongly - WTF?? and he clarified that our capacity to dissociate under stress is what fascinates me (emotional/physical numbing, fragmenting/switching, playing dead, disappearing, etc.).

We were misdiagnosed BPD, and within a month were kicked out of the DBT program for not having BPD. They are very similar, often co-exist, and a frequent misdiagnosis. Complex-PTSD is also often confused with BPD or DID.

You may have an alter like niva who was in our system. She hated us, especially the littles. She taught little n how to self-harm. She nearly killed the body on numerous occasions . She probably had BPD, lol, but she never fronted during the DBT!

Again, listen to the voices. Try to understand them, learn who they are, what makes them tick. Discovering each other is a process that takes time and trust and a lot of work - not just from you - from all of you. You are already at an advantage because there is not a complete amnesia barrier, you already have co-consciousness to some extent.

Good luck. I know that discovering our system improved our quality of life immensely (the process was also one of the hardest parts of our lives though!).