Responsibility for another's happiness

This is a boundary issue for me, and I believe in a way an abuse issue for our system. It is causing a lot of issues right now for us as we have different parts taking sides on how to deal with our mother.

My step-father, either shortly before he married my mom or just after, I would have been about 7 or 8, pulled us aside after a fight between us and our mom and told us that we were responsible for our mother's unhappiness. He then went on to tell me that if I continued to make my mother unhappy he would have to get involved. I should add that my step-father had lost his arm in an accident and wore a prosthetic hook. He also had a bushy dark beard...think Captain Hook (which was actually his nickname). Prior to my step-father entering the scene some of us had a close, too close and enmeshed relationship with our mother. Telling us that we were responsible for our mother's happiness was one of the worst things he could do. From that time forward one part, with help from a few others, became totally focused on our mother's happiness. She wanted to make sure that we would not disappoint her in any way...of course we did, over and over.

This part was recently activated when we spent 3 weeks at my mom's and my step-father passed away. So now we have her and a few others really pushing for us to become even more involved in Mom's life and make sure she is satisfied and happy, even at our own detriment. Other parts remember my mom as somewhat abusive, but mainly in a passive way. They feel that our step-father was abusive when he told us that we held the responsibility for making Mom happy or unhappy. Up until this point we had reached a fairly healthy, cautious and loving relationship with mom. Now it just feels like it is going backwards, because of parts of us not because my Mom is pushing any boundaries. This whole responsibility thing has flared up and I know it is going to be tough to work through it. Especially since my mom has just lost her husband of 30+ years and does need a little more comfort and togetherness at this time.

I feel better now that they have journaled this over the weekend so that we all can have a better feel of why things are so chaotic and triggered by my mom at the moment. But, this feels like a tightrope we will have to balance on to work this issue out.

To me, what you describe here is very potent material for healing. It seems like these contrary feelings towards primary caregivers are often central in DID.

It was really a terrible thing for your step-father to say. But I'm really impressed how you have gotten to this point of understanding the complication this caused in your life then and now.

Sorry I don't have anything useful to say. Just cheers to you guys because you are doing such powerful work. I hope I'll get there some day.

Hi am4kds,

I agree with those of you who think that you are not responsible for your mother's happiness and that it was a wrong thing to say by your step-father. I believe it was manipulative, coercive, and a very wrong thing to say to a child who can believe that is responsible for things that are beyond anyone's control; as life and death. It was the easy way he found to deal with something he didn't know how. How wrong of him to have done it.

It is my belief that we are responsible for our own happiness, and thus every person is responsible for theirs. Imagine how much power would others have onto us, or us onto them, if it were not that way. However, we are not powerless, but powerful, and that's why it is our responsibility.

Having gone through the death of a loved one, yes, your mother might be going through a grieving time, and be sad. That's normal. You can offer support, and listen to her, and however else you want to support her, but not at your expense. Your first responsibility is with you, all of you. [And as Una said once, then with your kids].

Some internal conflict might, and will arise, when situations come in which you'll have to decide how to act. You can prepare in advance for those. What issues have you perceived that are in detriment of you guys? Constant visits? traveling back and forth? Set a limit to those in which most parts of you feel ok with it. What situations you perceive as supportive and you can do without being in detriment of you guys? Phone Calls? Skype? Paying for an art course in which she my channel her grieving, but also get to know new people, and be in charge of her happiness?

Ah, something else just came to mind. Comfort that part, or parts of you, who think that it is your responsibility to make her happy. Show them, that it is not, that she can drop that weight. What makes us happy is seen through the lenses we've put on as life goes one, what should and shouldn't be, and what internal work we do. None of that is the responsibility of others, least of a child.

Many parts of you guys seem to have all those things clear, just wanted to write what I think about the topic. Wanted to offer support and validation.

Wish a great internal work, and peace after chaos.

Sea

Hi. I know how you feel. I have always felt like I am responsible for other people's happiness. First my mom and dad and sisters long time a go. And when things weren't right it was my fault. And now I feel that I am responsible for a lot of that on the inside. It is my role on the inside, to keep everyone ok.

thank you for writing about your experience. It helped me understand mine!

Lizzy