Struggling *triggerwarning*

We are struggling and seem to come aware of something that is happening lately.
Its distraction.
As soon as I/we want to sit down, relax, its as if our mind is doing things to prevent it. Its an very restless feeling through the body, and if this is an part inside, I have barely communication with him/her/it. I linked it before to being an to controlling/dominating part ( feels weird to say this ) and am currently trying to let it all go, as another step toward co-consciousness and co-operative switching.
Writing becomes an distraction, forums become an distraction, Inside communication is distracted away. "yep time for a smoke", its all distraction. I know it takes probably time, but it results in panic attacks and huge anxiety. It also make my/our head go blank.
I know this part has probably an very important role, perhaps an protector or something, but am not sure about this. There are aswell compulsive behaviour involved in it, distraction. As if our head/mind goes stuck on words and discourages it as a whole. As if awareness is turned away from it all. Relax, take a breath. It feels as an war going on inside, like an opposite pull at the same time, preventing from something.
Now, we are working on the relaxation thing and communication between parts/alters, and should just sit down. Its pretty frustrating and upsetting

2 days ago it led to an almost full blown crisis/meltdown, to the point of feeling as if I/we were losing our mind.

I just needed to vent I guess.

We have the same thing going on!
I recognize this whole war on distraction, and especially the 'time for a smoke' thing. I am so often catching myself on instinctively rolling a cigarette when in hindsight I clearly notice that an alter was closer to the surface, or even some communication between parts, or unwanted thoughts or feelings.
We have been working on relaxation too. I hope it will help progress. We've been working on it for so long, but it's like our mind even gets distracted from even remembering the relaxation. I really hope current t will be able to help us, and you too.

Thank you for the reply

We do strongly relate. I/we are not sure yet what it is, could be another alter who is afraid to lose some function, an presenter perhaps. To keep the lit shut. Its an not me experience, it feels as if *tw* someone else takes over my mind * end tw* and takes somewhat control over it.
We often find ourself making excuses why not to do it. Im not sure what it is.
Our mind does the same, always seeking an distraction, I have to litterally force myself to sit down and take somewhat charge in this, resulting in conflict. It also results in deleting replies we type, as if need to hurry or it will be deleted very discouraging, and our head is "locked". Its not some wall I face, but something else
Hope you ( all ) will get there eventually

Edit: to add:

It seems to happen in therapy aswell. Im sure we switch and all, but there is till this "were fine" thing, appearing normal, resulting into wasting another session and unable to come up what bothers me/us/several, while there is intent to letting it go, yet seem not to be able to do so, often resulting in struggling. As if i should know all about our system ( atleast, its how it feels ), and as soon as we step out of the office, it all returns. it feels like some habit, some instinct, yet i want to break that. perhaps relaxation does the trick.

I can relate. Actually since becoming aware of my multiplicity, I have also become a aware that is connected to a host of compulsive behaviors, most of them benign on the surface but all of them aimed at keeping me from being aware of feelings/sensations/interior life.

That restless feeling you describe sounds like something that happens to me. I have had severe restless legs syndrome since childhood, except it can affect my whole body or just parts of it at times. I have lately realized how connected it is to unconscious or unbearable emotional distress or the emergence of alters.

Being more aware of all this, I am trying to practice more mindfulness and to just slow down and let myself experience this other dimension of life instead of fighting it all the time. Even if it is scary.

Same for me/us basically. Before I became aware there was just switching i suppose. As if I wasn't in the way ( atleast, it "feels"that way. ) and everyone just could switch and all ( not entirely sure about that, and/or how it works )
Now that i became more aware it seems to happen. censoring ( perhaps I did that subconsciously, from what i remember there was an "holding back"involved in it ) compulsive monitoring.

The restlessness you describe makes sense, we have all kind of weird body sensations lately. Stuff just hits very easy, as if becoming to aware, and it seems not always me. For me/us its an almost compulsive need to be active, to have to move. wonder if it has something to do with avoidance ( which it clearly is ) or/and surviving. An sort of "if I distract it is not there".. Yeah, doesnt work obviously.

Im just trying to let it all rise, ask questions inside and try not to jump to quick to `it is this way, because it works` we seem to shift constantly in this, as if there is another avoidance taking place, an hiding from our system itself, to stay hidden and covert. It seems to leak through intensly lately. Its as being some sort of `facade`an wall, an dam thrown up, which now begins to leak.