Resisting therapy though I don't mean to

My therapist told me that even things that seem arduous and impossible to change often improve pretty quickly in DID once you make a decision to do the work. I think she sees me as being resistant. I feel like I wasted my window of opportunity on my old therapist who didn't know what to do with me. I was open and brave and ready, but she wasn't ready, and I went back into lockdown. I barely know the new therapist. I want to get right to work. But it's not like writing a paper, where you do the research, think really hard, and then start writing. This stuff for me is more subtle and intuitive.

A few years before I was diagnosed, I noticed that I seemed to have blinders to a lot of my life and wasn't very flexible or vibrant. I felt trapped in my head, as though my head were a jail cell or a little dark box. Sometimes I could viscerally feel myself bumping into the walls. It was so vivid and real even though I knew, of course, I was not in a little box. Years before that, I had even written a short story about a person who "never left the box."

Other times in my life, I would find myself feeling that I was trapped on the dry side of a dam, with no way to go forward, so it was almost as if life was over. I was at the end of the road. I would think, "that is a very specific feeling. How strange."

It turned out that both of these are locations in my imaginal realm. I was totally shut out of conscious awareness of it, but still experienced sensations connected with it. I feel like the therapist has little interest in the experience of what it is like to be suddenly aware of all these things that have connection to personal meaning. She's like a mechanic for multiple systems, with no appreciation for the soul of any of it. This is my story, my life story, not just a disorder to be eradicated.

I was so eager to see a DID specialist, but maybe this is not the right way for me to get better. Talking makes me shut down and feel too self-conscious. I keep thinking that in order for therapy to work I have to get over myself and be open in the right moment to my other selves expressing themselves. I have even agreed with parts of me that they will go to therapy. But then when we get in the office, I am there, saying the things I always say, even though I know the others have other things to say that I can't hold in my mind long enough to remember. It's like when I'm in the therapy office the others cease to exist. (Which is kind of how it is a lot of the time, anyway.)

I wonder whether I spend a lot of time actually integrated with many of my parts, but then come unintegrated at different times for different reasons. If that's the case, does it mean I am a step ahead? Maybe I don't need to worry about getting to know my parts. Maybe I am them most of the time, except when there is a trigger, and then we separate? It seems like before my crisis, Alex and I were kind of melded together somehow, not totally integrated but smooshed together to fit into the small space. And then when we woke up, he took a step back from me and could stretch himself out and came out by himself for the first time in ages.

(Hmm. I can actually hear Alison in my head saying that I am full of &*(& and that my theory is completely off. 'Sorry, babe. You are that blind. Why the hell would we want to be glued to you, as if you're so great. You are being lazy. Stop whining and just get on it already.")

If I were in crisis or severe emotional pain personally, I would have no choice and would switch in therapy whether I wanted to or not. But these days I'm not, really. There was a time when my old therapist went on vacation in the midst of our initial DID crisis. Alex essentially put the brakes on everything so that we would be okay while she was gone. But when she came back, we couldn't (and also didn't really want to) go back into that vulnerable, open crisis state. Now when I get into therapy there's no internal pressure to talk about anything and sometimes I can't think of anything to say. It's very weird. I've had years of therapy and never had this experience. I know it's a protective mechanism, maybe because I'm in the presence of someone who could actually work with the experiences or variations I have.

I'm also struggling with this thought: "I know I had a rough and painful childhood. But what can you do about it now? It's in the past, so let's move on. Nothing to see here." None of my past experiences seem painful or relevant. It is so hard to believe that the past matters, even though at times I know it does, particularly when triggered. I discussed with the therapist a recent situation that triggered me, the possibility of a future event. I pretty quickly changed that possibility even though it was not great to say no to it. The therapist said maybe having a triggering thing on the horizon would compel me to work on the triggers at hand, would bring a sense of urgency. I don't know. It was pretty miserable for the 24 hours before I took action, but maybe she's right. Hmm.

Today I did something brave and important to my healing. I took a step towards bringing music back into my life. I already feel different and more open. Maybe it will help with my overall therapy. I really hope so, because I'm living that life of quiet desperation these days. Another part of me is very insistent that we should take up visual art. I honestly feel that I don't have an artistic streak in my body. Maybe to make progress, though, I need to listen to these requests and make space for them to do these things. am4kds has suggested this in the past, and so has my therapist. It's so hard to do these kinds of things "just for the alters," but I don't want to stay stuck forever. I will do anything, really. You hear that, other parts of me? Tell me what you want!

Nondescript wrote:My therapist told me that even things that seem arduous and impossible to change often improve pretty quickly in DID once you make a decision to do the work. I think she sees me as being resistant. I feel like I wasted my window of opportunity on my old therapist who didn't know what to do with me. I was open and brave and ready, but she wasn't ready, and I went back into lockdown. I barely know the new therapist. I want to get right to work. But it's not like writing a paper, where you do the research, think really hard, and then start writing. This stuff for me is more subtle and intuitive.

Have you told your T that you think she thinks you are being resistant? I only ask because we have recently been discussing our habit of projecting our feelings about ourself onto other people.

But, then maybe some of you are being resistant? It wouldn't be out of line. Your T is new to you. You have had to leave one long-term T relationship because it wasn't working out. Trust and attachment issues are so hard for us. At, the same time I think being resistant is what DID is about, isn't it. If we wanted to deal with all the crap in our past then we probably wouldn't dissociate, would we? Your T probably understands this, she is just trying to let you all know that DID isn't as horrible as it feels right now. I know my T is constantly going on about how much better things will get...in time. I have to say it frustrates me too.

I get those feelings of being selfish or stubbornly stuck in my wheel, not going anywhere. I think we are not doing enough. Not going anywhere. But, we are moving...just at a snail's pace sometimes. Right now, just being aware of each other and learning why some want to go to therapy and why some don't is part of the process. Learning what each one needs in all the steps of the process is an important task.

Nondescript wrote:A few years before I was diagnosed, I noticed that I seemed to have blinders to a lot of my life and wasn't very flexible or vibrant. I felt trapped in my head, as though my head were a jail cell or a little dark box. Sometimes I could viscerally feel myself bumping into the walls. It was so vivid and real even though I knew, of course, I was not in a little box. Years before that, I had even written a short story about a person who "never left the box."

Other times in my life, I would find myself feeling that I was trapped on the dry side of a dam, with no way to go forward, so it was almost as if life was over. I was at the end of the road. I would think, "that is a very specific feeling. How strange."

It turned out that both of these are locations in my imaginal realm. I was totally shut out of conscious awareness of it, but still experienced sensations connected with it. I feel like the therapist has little interest in the experience of what it is like to be suddenly aware of all these things that have connection to personal meaning. She's like a mechanic for multiple systems, with no appreciation for the soul of any of it. This is my story, my life story, not just a disorder to be eradicated.

This has just come up for me too. Someone got really frustrated with T the other day in session because we felt she wasn't understanding how much pain we were feeling about certain things. She kept trying to "normalize" it for us. And, we were feeling like she wasn't caring or understanding about what we were feeling. It made her sit back for a minute and she did apologize, because it made her aware that she is so used to the process but I/We are not! So, to her our problems are "normal" but to us it is scary and horrible. Because our history is to have so much of what we are feeling being discounted or ignored it is really important that we feel some empathy from our T before we set out to work on those feelings. Maybe you could also bring that up to your T?

Nondescript wrote:I was so eager to see a DID specialist, but maybe this is not the right way for me to get better. Talking makes me shut down and feel too self-conscious. I keep thinking that in order for therapy to work I have to get over myself and be open in the right moment to my other selves expressing themselves. I have even agreed with parts of me that they will go to therapy. But then when we get in the office, I am there, saying the things I always say, even though I know the others have other things to say that I can't hold in my mind long enough to remember. It's like when I'm in the therapy office the others cease to exist. (Which is kind of how it is a lot of the time, anyway.)

Just because we agree that they will show up, doesn't mean they will actually come. Just because we think we are ready for certain parts to come out during session, doesn't mean that someone else won't try to stop the process during the sessions. We spend a lot of T barely present, but those that we think are ready to come out don't. Kind of like we are in an in-between space that doesn't let us think, or talk, or switch. What we have found on those days is to bring in our journal and share recent entries with our T. That gets us moving sometimes as certain topics are addressed. It also helps some of the shier parts be heard. Very often it triggers out those parts that have done the writing.

Ever since Hannah showed up we have been really struggling with therapy. Hannah, we believe, is an introject of my mother and was activated by all the time I have spent with her recently. She doesn't think therapy is useful. That we should just be able move on and that spending any time on emotional issues is just going to cause more problems. Hannah feels that our best path forward is to put all the DID stuff behind us and just focus on life and work. Since we have been back we have struggled with T sessions. Before we go we have all these voices and thoughts speaking up and saying what they want to do in T that day, but when we get there I (or whoever shows up that day) cannot remember what was being talked about earlier...totally blank. It is so frustrating! We've decided she is probably interfering with the process.

Nondescript wrote:Today I did something brave and important to my healing. I took a step towards bringing music back into my life. I already feel different and more open. Maybe it will help with my overall therapy. I really hope so, because I'm living that life of quiet desperation these days. Another part of me is very insistent that we should take up visual art. I honestly feel that I don't have an artistic streak in my body. Maybe to make progress, though, I need to listen to these requests and make space for them to do these things. am4kds has suggested this in the past, and so has my therapist. It's so hard to do these kinds of things "just for the alters," but I don't want to stay stuck forever. I will do anything, really. You hear that, other parts of me? Tell me what you want!

This is so awesome! There are some days I am good about doing things just for the alters, but other days I don't wanna! Making space is difficult, and scary. Sometimes the thought "give them an inch and they will take a mile" floats through. But, I do feel better when others get their time. I just forget that. And, sometimes it isn't me that has to make the decision to let others have their time. Other parts are out and they don't want to share and give someone else time. I have not done very much of anything lately. Of course, I am back to losing time again .

I really think what you are experiencing is just part of DID. Part of the process. It isn't a straight road and there seems to be lots of starts and stops. This, I guess, is one reason they say people with dissociative disorders require such a long time in therapy. First we have to work on breaking through the dissociative barriers and building trust in those around us. Considering we are traumatized people, that is not easy. It doesn't just happen because some of us want it or make a decision.

Thank you, am4kds, for your therapeutic reply to my post. It brought up many really good questions that I need to ponder before I fully reply.

But one thing i wanted to ask you. You wrote about Hannah. One of my struggles in "getting to know myself" is that I have all these bits and pieces of thoughts ("voices") going on in the background of my awareness at times. It is hard to grab on to any of them. They don't seem like "mine," but before my diagnosis, I reasoned that all things in my mind are me. Now I realize that those thoughts that don't seem like mine are often the thoughts/beliefs/feelings of other parts. Yet sometimes a set of thoughts will come so close to me that they become mine for a second, or I can't resist them or something and I just react to them.

Like there is this one strand of thoughts that goes like this: "No body cares about me. No one wants to know about me. Everybody lets me down." And in that set of thoughts, the world (inside and out) is a very bleak place filled with strangers who barely have faces. There is a picture in my mind of an orphan alone in shadows, as the originator of those thoughts.

Usually it is just sort of in the background. Today, though, suddenly I became aware of it as a pattern. I notice often my husband will say hello to me and ask me how I am, and I will start to answer, and there will be a sudden change in my thoughts to, "don't tell him anything. He doesn't care. He doesn't understand." And the answer I give will be a distant, gloomy, "fine." I'll immediately feel annoyed with myself for acting that way even while I feel this distrust, but then when I feel able to act normal, I have already botched the interaction and closed off communication with my husband, so I'm just kind of stuck not sharing about myself in that interaction or perhaps for the whole time I'm with my husband on that occasion.

I'm not sure if that's what alters are like (alter versus just a way of thinking like nonmultiples do?) but I have been observing today and noticing that every time I am about to talk about myself in many contexts, this aggressive thought happens in my head, "don't tell them what you really feel. No one wants to know. They don't understand. It's not safe," and I am unable to share even basic information. So if it's someone who knows me well and I don't want to lie, I'll say something kind of meta, like, "you know me, never a dull moment," and then quickly redirect with a question about them. As a result of this (and also the need to protect my children from too many details about me), many of my friendships involve almost nothing of my own biography or details, so they feel very unbalanced.

Anyway, I'm wondering if you can relate to this? Is that sort of thing how Hannah affects you? I think this means all the times in my day when I feel my agency being taken over are places to watch for alters. (Duh. Genius. -Alison) And if it is, then I can see why my husband thinks I switch a lot. Because that would mean I do. Hmm. I'm not sure what anyone can say about what I just wrote, but it gives me insight. I think it is some kind of progress, actually, progress that means something for my daily life and not just the deep dark past.

I remember when I first figured out I had DID, I heard stories of how some people struggled with child alters messing with their daily lives, and I imagined the extreme case of full switches where people are talking in little voices and demanding coloring books. But in the past couple of months I have been able to identify situations in my life that had perplexed me in years past that have to do with young alters being involved in some in a situation that didn't suit them. Nothing very overt, but still real.

Trigger warning--scary neurological phenomena and strong feelings. Lasr night as I was in bed waiting to fall asleep, I started to feel "out of it" but not in a sleepy way. Then I started to feel a particular tingling and a restlesslness (like RLS) on the left side of my body. At the same time, strange sensations in my head and a kind of vertigo nausea. A migraine. But at the same time, I knew this had to do with the orphan part I described in the post above.

I remembered reading about Una+ and others comforting alters that take these kinds of physical manifestations, so I held my arm where it was tingling and said in my mind, "Welcome, you are safe here." I then saw a scene in my mind of her being terrified and disoriented in a past situation and started to grey out. My little daughter was in bed next to me and I was afraid of blacking out.

Then, the left side of my face and my vision on that side changed. I started to see inky black forms that felt like they had a physical presence wooshing in front of my left eye. I told myself these are migraine aura, but it was so vivid and real it scared me. As a child and young adult, I used to experience similar terrifying experiences nightly but nothing like that in many years. After a few minutes last night, they went away just as I felt the pain in my head focus into the back of my right eye.

I lost focus on the girl and slept fitfully all night (in part due to restless children). My hand and arm still feel numb on and off and I am light and sound sensitive, but I feel like this is mostly about the girl and perhaps her terror and grief and aloneness. I want to reach her and help her. Like her, I feel there is no space for this and no one will understand. Is it that she was the source of these scary experiences every night when I was younger?

Even as I am writing I feel strong pressure in the back of my head and emotion behind a wall, but it doesn't feel safe. No one will ever understand. It is not allowed. Don't feel. You are not real. That is what she says.

Ok. Maybe other people will never understand, but I am an adult now and I believe her. I care. How can I help her alone? Why does she need a witness other than me? Can we be our own witness?

Nondescript wrote:Anyway, I'm wondering if you can relate to this? Is that sort of thing how Hannah affects you?

I want to respond to you, but my mom is in town and "I" am all over the place. She leaves tomorrow, so hopefully we will start to calm down and can put some coherent thoughts together.

Am4kds, no pressure at all. Don't ever feel obligated. We all have so much on our plates. I definitely don't want to become brussels sprouts (or a thing on your plate that is a chore to deal with!) I hope your time with your mom visiting goes alright.

You are not a chore!!! I WANT to respond. But, I also want to be fairly coherent when I do Right now I can write about two sentences before I totally lose track and someone else is on to something else. My chore right now is staying at my house

My mother, who some days seems to get my DID and at other times is really, really oblivious. She is so hyper about Christmas (my least favorite holiday) that my head is spinning and there is just a lot going on. She goes back home for a few days tomorrow. I hope to be able to recuperate before she is back on Thursday again.

I'm not sure if that's what alters are like (alter versus just a way of thinking like nonmultiples do?) but I have been observing today and noticing that every time I am about to talk about myself in many contexts, this aggressive thought happens in my head, "don't tell them what you really feel. No one wants to know. They don't understand. It's not safe," and I am unable to share even basic information. So if it's someone who knows me well and I don't want to lie, I'll say something kind of meta, like, "you know me, never a dull moment," and then quickly redirect with a question about them. As a result of this (and also the need to protect my children from too many details about me), many of my friendships involve almost nothing of my own biography or details, so they feel very unbalanced.

Hi there. Chiming in here to say YES this is my experience ... i have read too many posts and my head is full so I too cannot give a proper response right now but the way you describe it is exactly my experience with being a multiple.

Xoxo

My mom left yesterday for a few days before she is back to stay through Christmas. We slept, did art, cuddled with stuffies and slept some more after she left. My head finally feels like it has stopped spinning for awhile.

Since my T and I have a long relationship I have been trying to put myself in your shoes with having to start over with a new T. All it does to me is create a ball of anxiety. There is no way I could do what I am doing now if I had only know our T for a month. I don't care how motivated some of us are, the protectors would not allow it. Our history would be to test, test, test the trustworthiness of the T. Everything out of his/her mouth would be analyzed, and assumed to be the most negative take we could make of it. The slightest off look would tell us that this T didn't care, understand or believe. A relationship with a T is the most inner-wrenching, honest relationship we will ever experience in our lives...it requires the most protection from harm. Especially for those of us that have been hurt in previous therapeutic relationships. We have had to revisit our fears and concerns with our T over and over...in just the last 6 months.

A T that specializes in trauma should realize that a patient does not come in completely ready to bare all. This isn't like getting focused grief therapy or life therapy where there is one topic to work through. Our whole lives, everything we do has been colored by abuse and neglect. Most trauma survivors have no real sense of who they actually are. Through trauma therapy we have to find out who we are, what we feel, what we think. This is true whether one has complex PTSD or a Dissociative Disorder. Often all we know at the beginning is that life doesn't feel right...

Nondescript wrote:But one thing i wanted to ask you. You wrote about Hannah. One of my struggles in "getting to know myself" is that I have all these bits and pieces of thoughts ("voices") going on in the background of my awareness at times. It is hard to grab on to any of them. They don't seem like "mine," but before my diagnosis, I reasoned that all things in my mind are me. Now I realize that those thoughts that don't seem like mine are often the thoughts/beliefs/feelings of other parts. Yet sometimes a set of thoughts will come so close to me that they become mine for a second, or I can't resist them or something and I just react to them.

Like there is this one strand of thoughts that goes like this: "No body cares about me. No one wants to know about me. Everybody lets me down." And in that set of thoughts, the world (inside and out) is a very bleak place filled with strangers who barely have faces. There is a picture in my mind of an orphan alone in shadows, as the originator of those thoughts.

Usually it is just sort of in the background. Today, though, suddenly I became aware of it as a pattern. I notice often my husband will say hello to me and ask me how I am, and I will start to answer, and there will be a sudden change in my thoughts to, "don't tell him anything. He doesn't care. He doesn't understand." And the answer I give will be a distant, gloomy, "fine." I'll immediately feel annoyed with myself for acting that way even while I feel this distrust, but then when I feel able to act normal, I have already botched the interaction and closed off communication with my husband, so I'm just kind of stuck not sharing about myself in that interaction or perhaps for the whole time I'm with my husband on that occasion.

I'm not sure if that's what alters are like (alter versus just a way of thinking like nonmultiples do?) but I have been observing today and noticing that every time I am about to talk about myself in many contexts, this aggressive thought happens in my head, "don't tell them what you really feel. No one wants to know. They don't understand. It's not safe," and I am unable to share even basic information. So if it's someone who knows me well and I don't want to lie, I'll say something kind of meta, like, "you know me, never a dull moment," and then quickly redirect with a question about them. As a result of this (and also the need to protect my children from too many details about me), many of my friendships involve almost nothing of my own biography or details, so they feel very unbalanced.

Yes, Yes, Yes! It isn't just Hannah for us, and some of it may even be me. Part of DID is possession or made thoughts and feelings. Where other parts can make another part that is out feel or think the other's thoughts. I experience this all the time. For us, this background thoughts and feelings that don't seem to belong to anyone generally mark the coming out of a new part. It is almost like once I am aware of an alter, their thoughts and feelings can be attributed to them. But, if it isn't one I am aware of I can't tell if it is me or someone else.

I know I have an issue with sharing anything with anyone! Being ignored and discounted as a child has caused us to be very protective of ourselves. Each of the alters has a different way of responding, but they all have huge difficulties with sharing how we are truly feeling with anyone. Then there is the whole protect and hide our multiplicity as much as possible. The idea of sharing our confusion and conflict with other people goes totally against everything we have done to protect ourselves these last years. So, "I'm fine. Everything is okay." is our standard response, even most of the time with family. We even do this with our T. I just thought about how every session she starts off by asking us how we are that day, and every session I shrug and say I'm okay. Obviously I'm not

Conversing with my husband is so difficult. We have parts that absolutely don't want to share with him, anything. Others want so badly for him to understand. He tries to start conversations and often I end up looking like a fish...opening and closing my mouth as nothing ever comes out. Eventually, I just say fine and end the conversation. Honestly, it sucks for both of us, because neither of us are getting what we need. My husband came to a joint session with our T on Friday. I think it went really well. We actually talked about how the alters keep me from talking to him. How there are parts that just don't trust him. How some of us feel very guilty about what is going on with us. He and my T talked about how to recognize switches and different parts, and ideas on responding to all of us. At some point I faded out and a couple of alters came out to talk to him and the T. My T said afterwards that was good. That my husband reacted better than some to seeing the switches and was able to observe how T interacts with them.

Since the session I, all of us, have been a little more open to sharing with my husband. When we had to go out to dinner on Saturday for dd15's birthday, I was able to lean on him. He was able to SEE the anxiety and dissociation when we were crowded by other people. And, then the night before my mom left I told him that once she left I was not going to be able to do anything. That I needed to spend Sunday focusing on all of me and sleeping. His response was loving and accepting. I think it went well enough that Melissa actually came out to the family room and drew while watching TV with the whole family instead of hiding in the bedroom.

I don't think he will ever be able to totally understand when I try to describe specific symptoms, but the other parts are showing a willingness to at least reach out to him right now. He is a start. The first one we have reached out to, openly, other than our T.

I hope this answers your question in some way.

am4kds wrote:My mom left yesterday for a few days before she is back to stay through Christmas. We slept, did art, cuddled with stuffies and slept some more after she left. My head finally feels like it has stopped spinning for awhile.

I am so inspired by your wisdom and self-care. It seems like you are really making so much progress these days. Because all that stuff is on the one hand necessary but on the other hand hard to make happen. Awesome, am4kds. And I'm glad you're feeling a bit better.

am4kds wrote:Since my T and I have a long relationship I have been trying to put myself in your shoes with having to start over with a new T. All it does to me is create a ball of anxiety. There is no way I could do what I am doing now if I had only know our T for a month. I don't care how motivated some of us are, the protectors would not allow it. Our history would be to test, test, test the trustworthiness of the T. Everything out of his/her mouth would be analyzed, and assumed to be the most negative take we could make of it. The slightest off look would tell us that this T didn't care, understand or believe. A relationship with a T is the most inner-wrenching, honest relationship we will ever experience in our lives...it requires the most protection from harm. Especially for those of us that have been hurt in previous therapeutic relationships. We have had to revisit our fears and concerns with our T over and over...in just the last 6 months.

Thank you for giving voice to this. I have this idea of myself as sort of a professional person who will deal with therapy in an efficient and business-like way. This is how I have always dealt with past therapists. I know that they won't understand my actual experience, so I generalize, minimize and interpret it for them. When they make mistakes, I take mental notes and remember where their strengths are so that I can maximize the benefit of working them and minimize the pain. All these years, I was hiding my dissociative symptoms (even from myself), and now that they are THE thing in focus, all my safety mechanisms seem too primitive, which makes me feel even less safe.

My current therapist did not take a history on me, and this kind of bothers me. I guess my past therapists didn't, either, though, or I minimized everything so much that nothing really came out. It bothers me, though, that this therapist doesn't really even have an outline of my biography and doesn't seem all that interested in one. She says that things will come out in time when they need to, and to me this means, "produce! come to me with your stories, and I will deign to listen to them, if necessary." I feel like, how can she care about me as a human being if my story is just that thing that caused DID, and not worthwhile beyond that? Well, and can a therapist with good boundaries really care, anyway? My past therapist with kind of fuzzy boundaries cares and I know for sure, but she blurred the lines and it felt like my responsibility to be a friendly client and not be too hard.

Anyway, I should bring this up with my current therapist. Thanks for pointing this out.

am4kds wrote:A T that specializes in trauma should realize that a patient does not come in completely ready to bare all. This isn't like getting focused grief therapy or life therapy where there is one topic to work through. Our whole lives, everything we do has been colored by abuse and neglect. Most trauma survivors have no real sense of who they actually are. Through trauma therapy we have to find out who we are, what we feel, what we think. This is true whether one has complex PTSD or a Dissociative Disorder. Often all we know at the beginning is that life doesn't feel right...

The part I bolded. This is so perfectly true. Thank you for writing that. It's interesting to me how all these little quirky things about my experiences, things that didn't quite fit, weird sensations and things that are hard to find language for, all seem to be major keys to understanding myself and my story.

am4kds wrote:Yes, Yes, Yes! It isn't just Hannah for us, and some of it may even be me. Part of DID is possession or made thoughts and feelings. Where other parts can make another part that is out feel or think the other's thoughts. I experience this all the time. For us, this background thoughts and feelings that don't seem to belong to anyone generally mark the coming out of a new part. It is almost like once I am aware of an alter, their thoughts and feelings can be attributed to them. But, if it isn't one I am aware of I can't tell if it is me or someone else.

Very interesting! When you wrote about Hannah it made me more aware of this happening with me. I feel like my understanding of the compartmentalization of my consciousness has gotten better just from this one insight. I have before thought of alters as just a physical presence that overtakes me. This random chatter that is almost nonexistent, then slightly distant and unintelligible, and suddenly comes into major focus through these "loud thoughts," and actions is really alter activity. That means that I actually do have some kind of access to them from the inside, and that these sudden flips in mood/interest/focus (sometimes over and over in minutes or from one to another in long trends) really must be alters.

Like that perfectionist protective mother part that kept me up all night last night angsting over a very minor health issue one of my daughters has (interspersed with nostalgia/regret over not being a perfect mother, and would not let go of it and was so miserable. It made me feel utterly crazy because it was NOT MY ISSUE and my body felt weirdly tense and alien. Up until now I have mainly identified alters through the sensations or complications of switching or through thinking after the fact, "was that me?!" (Insight: her angst over not being a better mother who can protect the children from EVERYTHING is our pain over being helpless to protect ourselves as children.) Getting more interior awareness is exciting!

am4kds wrote:I know I have an issue with sharing anything with anyone! Being ignored and discounted as a child has caused us to be very protective of ourselves. Each of the alters has a different way of responding, but they all have huge difficulties with sharing how we are truly feeling with anyone. Then there is the whole protect and hide our multiplicity as much as possible. The idea of sharing our confusion and conflict with other people goes totally against everything we have done to protect ourselves these last years. So, "I'm fine. Everything is okay." is our standard response, even most of the time with family. We even do this with our T. I just thought about how every session she starts off by asking us how we are that day, and every session I shrug and say I'm okay. Obviously I'm not

Exactly! I forget that many of us on this board experienced being "ignored and discounted" as children.I am sorry that we have all had this experience, but glad that we can support one another in overcoming it. I have done the same thing with all therapists, too. Thanks for normalizing this for me. My family blamed me for being "too sensitive" but also "too uptight," which was all so crazymaking.

am4kds wrote:Conversing with my husband is so difficult. We have parts that absolutely don't want to share with him, anything. Others want so badly for him to understand. He tries to start conversations and often I end up looking like a fish...opening and closing my mouth as nothing ever comes out. Eventually, I just say fine and end the conversation. Honestly, it sucks for both of us, because neither of us are getting what we need. My husband came to a joint session with our T on Friday. I think it went really well. We actually talked about how the alters keep me from talking to him. How there are parts that just don't trust him. How some of us feel very guilty about what is going on with us. He and my T talked about how to recognize switches and different parts, and ideas on responding to all of us. At some point I faded out and a couple of alters came out to talk to him and the T. My T said afterwards that was good. That my husband reacted better than some to seeing the switches and was able to observe how T interacts with them.

Whoa. This seems like a huge deal, that he talked with alters in therapy and got a lesson on how to recognize/interact act. And also that you talked about your varied feelings towards him. Important stuff.

am4kds wrote:Since the session I, all of us, have been a little more open to sharing with my husband. When we had to go out to dinner on Saturday for dd15's birthday, I was able to lean on him. He was able to SEE the anxiety and dissociation when we were crowded by other people. And, then the night before my mom left I told him that once she left I was not going to be able to do anything. That I needed to spend Sunday focusing on all of me and sleeping. His response was loving and accepting. I think it went well enough that Melissa actually came out to the family room and drew while watching TV with the whole family instead of hiding in the bedroom.

I don't think he will ever be able to totally understand when I try to describe specific symptoms, but the other parts are showing a willingness to at least reach out to him right now. He is a start. The first one we have reached out to, openly, other than our T.

This is so monumental! Congratulations! I want to throw you a party! I'm glad he was able to respond in an appropriate way to the painful and overwhelming experience out in public, and to your need for space. I'm glad Melissa could be out and comfortable with the rest of the family, too.

Thanks for your detailed post and for sharing your progress.