Being told I will ALWAYS be DID *Trigger Warning*

*Trigger Warning*

I don't know if this post really needs a trigger warning, but my gut is telling me to put it there. I will give some info about my system, doubt and therapy. No specific abuse mentioned.

My appointments this week with my T have been pretty calm. I didn't really think I had done much if any switching during the sessions. Mainly, this week, we actually discussed my diagnosis and prognosis. It was like I HAD to know what was going on? Where were we going? Why exactly does she feel like DID is the correct diagnosis? Those types of discussions.

While my emotional and young parts were getting something out of therapy, some of my older and more logical parts were beginning to think that therapy was just getting in the way of life. That it was disruptive and maybe DID wasn't the correct diagnosis. Maybe we had created this crisis somehow. If we didn't have to deal with bringing up the past or deal with the child parts then we could just move on and be fine.

Concisely, my T spent 30 minutes laying out our diagnosis and giving specific indications that she has noted in our 9 year relationship, most especially this last year when things happened that changed her diagnosis from Complex PTSD w/dissociation to DID. We don't disagree. Then she went on to say that integration is not the expected outcome for us and she doesn't believe it would actually be possible. We were never interested in integration, but to hear someone else say that...

The goal that we needed to be focused on is for cooperation and smoother switching. Acceptance for all parts and the treatment of the traumatized parts so we don't have to live with fear and anxiety hanging over our head. She told me I will never be like most people, but that I can expect to eventually have a successful, functional life.

We went on to discuss how often I actually shift or switch outright and my T threw out the number 30+ times per day. She said that was based on her observations of not only our sessions but also our out of session communication. I guess I felt the number would be pretty high, since most of my days tends towards fogginess and confusion. But, wow! Considering I end up sleeping a lot that is a high number. It makes sense with all the dissociative confusion I experience. We have to work on communication to make these shifts and switches less difficult and more smooth.

The whole conversation was triggering for us. There wasn't anything that was out of line, and we respect our T. But, I guess to hear it laid out like that was difficult. Mostly difficult for Amy, who often wants us to just go away. Now she has to accept that there is no fixing this. She has to accept that we are here!

From what I've read, integration is usually not a goal for therapists, which is probably better than someone trying to meddle with you or your system.

That is a big conversation to have had. Whoa. When I read it first thing I had a strong reaction just because it, I don't know, just is so big, to hear all that from a trusted person all at one time. I can't really respond to each bit of info because it is overwhelming. I know I will never be like other people even if I do somehow integrate, because most have never knkwn this level of compartmentalization and dissociation.

I dreamt last night that I found a book that described my condition perfectly and it wasn't DID, it was some other string of letters. I was relieved. Later, I realized the diagnosis was INHUMAN. I have been thinking lately to let go of the label and just work with feelings, just try to experience them. I have thought maybe I have PTSD without entities involved. But then Alex lately breaks into my thoughts to say I'm wrong. Well, sorry for rambling.

I wonder how you are reacting now to the information from your therapist? Does is give you a sense of needing to embrace/love your little and emotional parts more, since you are with them for the long haul despite your wishes?

Well someone had told her to stop sugar-coating and being all damn optimistic, that we wanted the truth. So, what we heard really wasn't unexpected. But, it hit me. Kind of like originally being told I had DID and how my symptoms matched up with the diagnosis and then researching it originally. It was almost like hearing it all over again.

All my life I knew i wasn't "normal" and all these years in therapy I think my deep down goal was to be "normal". To realize that isn't going to happen...no matter what label is attached to me/us.

Realizing that everything in my life is going to be a group project...I always hated group projects in school. I would always choose the harder individual project if I could. What I choose in life from here on out is going to always have to involve a discussion and thinking about how it affects ALL parts of ME. I can't go off and do something, Melissa can't go off and do something, Jayson can't go off and do something. We still haven't come to terms with how our life is now...

Integration was never something we wanted. It was never something my T every really discussed. But to hear her say that it would not be the right outcome for us, if even possible. Made me go "whoa". Her reasoning is that my dissociation most likely started at such a young age and I really have no ability to tolerate emotions without dissociating, so I am still likely to continue creating new parts as needed even today in stressful situations. My brain is just programmed that way. One of her big goals for me is to learn to tolerate being uncomfortable and sitting with my emotions. The idea is so foreign for us I just shake my head right now.

My T did also try to point out to me how I have "gifts" that would make me different than most people anyway. Good qualities that are there because or in addition to the DID, don't really know. We can learn to live and operate together, eventually. I kind of gotten used to thinking about 3 or 5 years of therapy...but had not given much thought after that. Kind of like I had accepted, but now I have to ACCEPT it.

Sorry it was so hard to read, Nondescript. I'm now glad I added the Trigger Warning even though I wasn't sure if it needed it or not.

The idea of coming together doesn't even begin to appeal to me. We've been together for over 40 years. Why do I need a therapist? We all have a common goal to being happy coexistingly. Sure some of us don't like the other, we just ignore. Only when the host is in turmoil and don't care do we go nutz competing for the main id.

I been living harmoniously for recent years now. There's a lot I can't deal with on my own. Thinking integration is going to fix it all? I can't even begin to fall back on the pain, a glowing bloody red scabless sore.

I'm new here but an old dog, and I can't see it happening in my lifetime.

MeWeUsThem wrote:The idea of coming together doesn't even begin to appeal to me. We've been together for over 40 years. Why do I need a therapist? We all have a common goal to being happy coexistingly. Sure some of us don't like the other, we just ignore. Only when the host is in turmoil and don't care do we go nutz competing for the main id.

I been living harmoniously for recent years now. There's a lot I can't deal with on my own. Thinking integration is going to fix it all? I can't even begin to fall back on the pain, a glowing bloody red scabless sore.

I'm new here but an old dog, and I can't see it happening in my lifetime.

With all due respect but 48 hours ago you were not even sure you had DID. Seriously you have no ######6 idea what we have been through the last year, nor the 40 some years before that. I think we have all said that integration was never our goal. But, seriously, for Amy and some of the rest of us it has been a tough life. To finally find out why and now to deal with it. Yeah, she and I have known each other our whole life. I'm happy you don't need no therapist. But if you knew what some of the littles in here have been through you wouldn't be spreading that crap around on here.I don't get into all the touchy feely $#%^ in therapy...but I don't keep those that need it from getting it.So you can just get back on your high horse and the I know everything attitude because I've known about DID for 48 hours.

You know it's been a lifetime in denial. Call it what you want. I got validation though other peers confirming what I already knew but didn't want to admit. I knew when I was 17.

I will be talking to my pdoc, and I wasn't on a high horse. I was just explaining my view on the subject. I'm sorry your upset.

I'm sorry, therapy scares me. We've always been a private person. I've never heard of joining was possible and that it can be a failure too. Your story scares me. I wish you healing. I wish you everything you want. I never knew that there was a world out there beyond my walls. 1% of the population is dx'd affected.

This is new but it is old. I'm doomed to die soon, so I'm not worried and I should just hold my views to myself. It's not fair to anyone because I'm a whole new animal of a different world. Sorry.

I can relate am4kds! Saying something to yourself or hearing it internally is a complete different thing than hearing someone else say it out loud! Especially if it something “sad” that you just need to accept and can’t ever fix. Even if you never wanted to be integrated maybe you thought you’d one day be normal or well? Perhaps that is what is shocking you now, to think that you’ll never be better?

I hope your T will give you some hope… it might have been a long journey to get to this point but I’m sure there is progress to be made and after all what is normal and healthy? Where do you really want to go? Hope you don’t experience too much turmoil over what your T said.

Maybe you one day are not integrated but in a less demanding internal world!

And for the other writer MeWeUsThem, I’m new here on the forum too. Do know quite a lot about our condition in general cos when was diagnosed wouldn’t accept it before therapist and psychiatrist offered all their knowledge (books, research, EVERYTHING ) to be studied and contemplated. But there is a vast difference however in knowing things in general and then really knowing them regards to yourself. There are highly functioning DID-people out there that are never diagnosed and never really need therapy or if they do, need it only for a short period of time. And like in every diagnosis, in DID too, there are no two cases that are exactly the same. The experience of being different, not fitting the criteria in every detail, is common. Maybe you have DDNOS or some other diagnosis explaining why your case is what it is. I don’t know if you need therapy or if you can map out your system in a few days like you now feel you have. But for many, for most, doing that mapping, learning basic skills (grounding is my mountain to climb among other things) is a tedious job, takes a long time! So I think your views are important and you are not from a different world and you yourself know if you need a therapist or other help… but maybe you can appreciate that for others having this diagnosis and maybe a less functioning version of it, is truly a demanding, life-long, debilitating condition… You might gain more insight to yourself if you get a proper diagnosis even if you don’t get therapy! I can understand that am4kds felt a bit touchy and your reaction too… as I’m sure you meant no harm here!

The struggle is different for everyone. The diagnosis is different for everyone. Different parts view life differently. I hope I treated the original writer and the topic correctly here and didn’t add more hurt feelings amongst the forum! I’m sure all views can co-exist here too… Hugs for the ones needing them, space for the ones needing them and acceptance for all!

am4kds wrote:
All my life I knew i wasn't "normal" and all these years in therapy I think my deep down goal was to be "normal". To realize that isn't going to happen...no matter what label is attached to me/us.

Realizing that everything in my life is going to be a group project...I always hated group projects in school. I would always choose the harder individual project if I could. What I choose in life from here on out is going to always have to involve a discussion and thinking about how it affects ALL parts of ME. I can't go off and do something, Melissa can't go off and do something, Jayson can't go off and do something. We still haven't come to terms with how our life is now...

Integration was never something we wanted. It was never something my T every really discussed. But to hear her say that it would not be the right outcome for us, if even possible. Made me go "whoa". Her reasoning is that my dissociation most likely started at such a young age and I really have no ability to tolerate emotions without dissociating, so I am still likely to continue creating new parts as needed even today in stressful situations. My brain is just programmed that way. One of her big goals for me is to learn to tolerate being uncomfortable and sitting with my emotions. The idea is so foreign for us I just shake my head right now.

I can relate to this so well, including the group project thing! What you are writing here is profound, hard-won knowledge. I would mourn the loss of the possibility of ever being alone, but on the other hand, you seem to have a pretty capable team. Neuroplasticity does make a lot of amazing stuff possible, but since you don't want integration, the point of "is it possible or not" is redundant. The creating new parts things is something that I don't like for myself. I would like to learn how to stop. Does it bother you?

The tolerating emotions things--aaaaaaa! Run away! No, just kidding. (Sorry. So silly.) This is what I'm working on, noticing hints of emotions (because I usually don't feel much) and allowing and being with them.

narcissistic me me me interlude: I think my DID is mild with my parts not very well defined, or something? But I read your initial post to my husband, and his response was, "that sounds exactly like you. And thirty times a day is a minimum." That shocked me because I don't notice that, and he is not that observant (or so I thought.) What I wonder is if he doesn't understand what switching or shifting is. He said, "it's pretty straight forward: there's the you always argues with me, the you that is in love with me, the cuddly one, the one that doesn't believe in DID, the one that is certain you have it, and you could rapidly switch between these several times in the course of one conversation, and so on--it's not moods, it's a total change in beliefs. But it's like that article you read me [about Kluft's dissociative surface], it's a continuous process. It happens to you thousands of times a day probably. And there are those obvious times you totally switch, too." I challenged him, saying it was regular ego states, and he said, "don't ask me how I know, but I just know. " On the other hand, my therapist gives no indication of having noticed any switching in sessions.

Ok. Goodnight.