Strange Upsides To DID

This post might need a TW, depending on a person's views about their DID, so I'm just starting this off with saying that it's basically a long-winded rambling on how in a way I think prefer to be a multiple.

There are obviously several downsides or "cons" to having DID. I think almost every thread of almost every page on the DID forum here explains those well enough. So please don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to sugarcoat this life-wrecking disorder or anything.

But at the same time, there are definitely aspects of it that I like, or maybe that I've just grown so accustomed to, that the idea of not being that way anymore kind of freaks me out or even depresses me.

For one, having every aspect of myself, from my thoughts to my emotions and beyond, broken up into individual pieces, makes it a hell of a lot easier to work through things in some ways. For example, that my system has a purely logical/intellectual part can be extremely useful/helpful sometimes. That part gets me through some otherwise really difficult/confusing situations/times/problems with relative ease. I also rarely fly off the handle in a rage or meltdown sobbing over anything. My system just essentially takes care of me 24/7 by setting **** aside that I can't afford to deal with in the moment.

Then with the way my system works, our internal manager (or whatever one would call it, I have never actually encountered this part, if we even have it) does a pretty good job at pushing forward the right part(s) for the right situations. The way this sort of translates is that I don't ever have to truly worry about whether or not I can handle something, because whichever part was practically designed for the situation will come forward and handle it.

Of course, we occasionally have a sort of 'malfunction' with the wrong part(s) out at the wrong time. This happens rarely but tends to have really major consequences when it does. Those 'malfunctions' seem to be the only real downside to DID for me. If we could just never screw that up, we'd be golden.

I recently put the whole thing to the test with a one night stand. Everything I know about myself, my sexuality and my past clearly indicates that something like a one night stand with a total stranger should have caused me to totally freak out / panic at worst, and go blank-minded/numb (maybe even pass out) at best. But instead my mind shifted things around internally so that I didn't experience any anxiety, but instead I actually had a great flippin time. The experience defied all manner of logic, itself, and it was like my brain just flawlessly adapted to the situation in order to not experience anything negative if at all possible, and in order to enjoy whatever there was to be possibly enjoyed.

I almost feel (as silly as it sounds) like I've suddenly discovered some mental/emotional 'super power' in myself that I didn't fully realize I had, previously. Like for the first time I'm fully grasping the sheer capability of the way my brain is wired.

But really, I realize that it's always been this way, so maybe there is just a sort of.. huge relief? In finally truly understanding and embracing it. Like rather than being anxious while trying to desperately figure out who I am, instead it's like taking comfort in my mind's ability to be pretty much whatever is needed in any given moment.

I've been in a lot of pretty crazy situations over the years, some beyond my control and some that I threw myself into, either me as a part or another part of my system, but I'm still alive and still (relatively) sane.

Maybe what it all really boils down to is that I don't have to take much responsibility or worry all that much, because my system takes care of everything. I even have the reassurance of knowing that I have parts built-in who fly into action to prevent suicide. Like I've always been so terrified of losing control of myself, but that's never really been necessary. And if my life blows or I'm in a bad situation or whatever, parts designed specifically to handle such things take over. I don't really have to deal with ****.

I can't genuinely tell if it's a good thing or a bad thing, but it's like I'm learning how it works and how to use it to my advantage, rather than being confused / anxious all the time. Like I'm realizing and learning that I can enjoy a hell of lot more in life than I previously assumed, and that I'm probably capable of a lot more, as well, if I just start loosening the reins a bit and moving over to the front passenger's seat.

So I'm in this state of mind, I guess, where I feel like I'm totally derailed but in a strangely good way. I don't really see the point of therapy anymore, or understand why I've just been sitting at home not living or anything for the past couple of months.

I just feel strangely different and indifferent, and this rambling wall of text post is the best of my theory-crafting capability for the time being.

Like when my mother and her husband got home, I felt kind of drunk or high or something, even though I wasn't. Her husband made some comments to me that I know normally would have put me a bit on edge, but instead I just didn't give a **** and went about my way. It's like for the first time I can actually detect walls going up as needed, like we are learning how to function strategically as a system, and I am actually able to be aware of it as it happens.

Idunno.

I'm glad to hear you are finding some upsides to having DID. It sounds like you are accepting it a bit better than perhaps you had been earlier. It does have some amazing protective qualities and does allow some amazing ability to find functioning sometimes.

That being said... It is a protective mechanism. I think intentionally putting oneself in situations when it will kick into gear is perhaps not the healthiest thing to do as that means that it was not a healthy enough situation for you to be comfortable to remain present. Sure there will always be parts who will take on responsibility and enjoy doing certain activities, but if you can't manage to be present with them then that should say something to you about the personal/emotional safety of the situation.

Yeah I get what you're saying. I'd never advise anyone to deliberately put him/herself in harms way just to experiment with switching (or something like that).

But in these experiences of mine described, I did not actually switch, as far as that I did not black out or lose time.

Instead I just literally felt internal shifting taking place, certain parts vanishing and certain parts coming forward.

Rather than blacking out or losing time, I either felt shielded, or equipped, or both.

I think this is why I am perceiving it in such a positive light. If I were blacking out and losing time (which does happen sometimes, but it's always something that catches me totally off guard), that would really suck (from my perspective).

But I am finding that if I am more deliberate in my approach, then I am able to stay present while experiencing what seems to be internal shifting of parts. Like I'm really getting to know my system and what it's capable of, yet I am still able to be present.

I think the factor of deliberately confronting or experimenting is what is making the difference.

Safety is still a top priority, though, for sure. I'm also sort of on the 'lookout' for red flags regarding mania, because I am also a BP suspect. But so far I feel that I am tempered enough. For example with the one night stand, I screened my partner pretty heavily, protection was used, etc.

I might also be in a very heavy intellectual-only mode right now. I feel that I am analyzing/learning/observing far more than actually feeling anything.

Again I can't tell if this all a good or a bad thing, as far as a development, but it's certainly new and interesting.

Well I suppose if you are still feeling present then I can see why you are experiencing that as positive and interesting. Just be careful though ok? I know it took me a lot of time and awareness of my DID to even realise when I was starting to lose time without realising it. So I don't want you to have any problems and only realise a few years down the line that you've got missing time...

Take care and I hope things continue to go well.

I have had a few experiences that I guess I would consider an upside to being dissociative. I don't know exactly how healthy in the long term it is, but my T says for right now it is okay.

I just spent a month at my childhood home helping to care for my dying step-father. I was able to dissociate into a totally capable, helpful "nurse" during this time. I didn't have to deal with a lot of feelings and was able to just focus on taking care of him and my mom. Then when I was alone I could deal with what I needed to. It should have been awkward doing some of the care things I needed to do, but to this part he wasn't more than a stranger and what needed to be done needed to be done.

Then at Thanksgiving I was very nervous about going because it was at my inlaws, but my mom and sister were also going to be there. I was scared that I was going to have a revolving door kind of day...but I asked that one part come out and go. One that could handle all the different people without being triggered. And, that happened. It ended up being a good day overall.

I know there are some traits of people with DID that are often considered positive. Things like a great ability to "multi-task", being whole-brained (creative and logical), and even a possibility of certain psychic abilities (which can be linked to hypervigilance of certain parts). I'm thinking that most of these traits develop later in the process.

Oh, CopperMoon, and everyone, I do see many beautiful upsides to DID, and I like very much, for example, what am4kds wrote.

I would also like to say, that I hope those things do not take you away from therapy or some sort of dealing with what's happening. While dissociation can, and is helpful, in many instances, I think it is also important for you to be able to live all your moments, and not let the environment dictate what you is best suited for the job. While I do think this is an amazing ability of the self/selves, to adapt to the environment, I also think that to adapt to unhealthy environment might not be the best, nor to loose the ability to discern wether I like the environment I'm in.

I do think you have a super power in yourself, and I don't think you'll loose it, even if you go to therapy, or even if you decide to integrate.

CopperMoon wrote:But really, I realize that it's always been this way, so maybe there is just a sort of.. huge relief? In finally truly understanding and embracing it. Like rather than being anxious while trying to desperately figure out who I am, instead it's like taking comfort in my mind's ability to be pretty much whatever is needed in any given moment.

This is so good.

CopperMoon wrote:Maybe what it all really boils down to is that I don't have to take much responsibility or worry all that much, because my system takes care of everything. I even have the reassurance of knowing that I have parts built-in who fly into action to prevent suicide. Like I've always been so terrified of losing control of myself, but that's never really been necessary. And if my life blows or I'm in a bad situation or whatever, parts designed specifically to handle such things take over. I don't really have to deal with ****.

Humm... I don't know about this. I don't think going to therapy is solely about how to respond to situations, but also about how things are processed internally. So, while not being terrified about losing control is great, because yeah, you are all a well equipped team; I do think that working on the inside can bring lots of advantages as having consensus, listen to all of you, understanding why some decisions might be better than others.

I'm glad for you realizations, and for this carefree spirit I sense. I do also encourage you to not leave therapy aside, and that road that sometimes it's so difficult to walk that is the road within oneself/selves.

Sea

While everyone in here seems to have different systems, different kinds of switching or even how alters are present exactly, I guess that every system has its ups and downs.

Personally, I also tend to look at the ups. Otherwise, I'd also never have decided duing therapy that integration just wasn't a way for me to heal, and that I'd much rather reach inner harmony and control by gettng along and working together with the others. My main upside is my relationship with Marvolo... It's a very precious piece of my life that i would never wish away. Also the feeling in general that i'm never alone. If no-one is there, I can talk to Marvy or even Yuki about things that upset me, and be comforted.

Another upside is that we're all completely different personality types, and have different skills and levels of concentration, determination etcetera. That makes me able to handle different situations and tasks at school or work than the others. Yuki is better with speaking, Marvolo with thinking logically and analysing things, and I'm creative and a planner, which is an amazing combination in the workfield.

Sadly I don't reallyhave the part about handling difficult situations because others can. Yuki was created to deal with my repressed anger, and marvolo mainly to protect me from inside influences. If there are threats from the outside, or if I'm extemely stressed, it's nearly impossible to switch... sometimes I even unconsciously try to take over control again if one of the others is in my body...

Anyways, I'm quite happy to be a multiple too, despite the rough times, the confusion and difficult aspects.

From the outside, I wonder if you are being guided/slow switching to another part of you, this free spirit part of you. Not a problem if you are, but I remember you wrote earlier that you tend to get sidetracked whenever you start therapy, and here you are starting to think that therapy is unnecessary. I wonder if this is part of that happening. It happens this way for me sometimes--I have alters that take long influence, change things behind the scenes like this. Just speculating.

That aside, I so understand what you're saying, with the protection aspect of things, and of your mind being able to bring what needs to be there in the moment of real life. Obviously sometimes it malfunctions, but it's not all bad. I agree.

You mentioned about your system preventing suicide. This has been our experience as well. When an existential threat comes from within, we function as well as if it is from outside (when we have been known to kick *ass). It's awesome. No doubt whatsoever that we would not have gotten this far in life without our plurality.

Thank you for making this thread. It is nice to see a positive with DID!