Not doing well. Layers of upsetness. *Triggers*

I am not doing well. Still acting normal but really not well. *trigger for unhealthy eating*I tend to binge eat when I'm stressed in this way, eat until I am beyond full. It's like my hand is automatically seeking out food I have no interest in but can't stay away from. It's amazing I'm not overweight or haven't gotten a worse eating disorder. So I had a day with a lot of binge eating today.*end tw* But my mind is in all kinds of chaos. What it feels like is layers of upsetness and it's hard to separate them into anything rational.

*TRIGGER WARNING for suicidal feelings without intent*One of the layers is suicidality. I haven't been suicidal since my early twenties, when resisting the need to off myself took up a lot of energy. (I didn't have therapy at the time but came up with a method of writing contracts--at first every day, then eventually every 6 months, until I didn't need to anymore.) I feel trapped and am slightly upset that there is even a plan in that layer. But I trust myself not to do that. It's just hard having that element back. I have lost people to suicide and even though I understand it, I feel disappointed in myself for having that still in me somewhere. I know it's because that part of me doesn't know how to cope with whatever it is.*end tw*

Another layer is my feelings about Alex. I don't have a strong gender preference, just go with whatever, but I feel like Alex is starving to be himself, yet is afraid of messing with the life we built. It feels tragic. My original therapist felt that gender issues may have contributed to my DID. The DID therapist regards gender issues as just part of the disorder, but we haven't discussed it much.

Another layer is just... unhappiness with the situation. DID, messy house, messy mind, messy past, messy future. And supposed to play with kids who are so little and vulnerable and how can I ever give them enough love... me, of all people, this mess.

Then there are murky layers. I thought I didn't have PTSD anymore because Alex and my teenage self (it really is like a teenage version of myself, as opposed to an alter with a different identity, but it's not me) seem to keep everything tamped down most of the time, so I was out of touch. And still am, mostly.

Until a couple of years ago, I would always feel like I was living in two levels, the present and then all these sensory and inner impressions of various other time periods of the past. Sometimes I would stay in a particular time period for a few days or longer, other times it would shift really fast. They were tangible and vivid, not like a memory but something that was coexisting with reality. (I actually thought every sensitive person had that, but lately I asked some people and they had no idea what I was talking about.) That went away, like my past disappeared almost. I felt free in a way, like a person without a past.

In the past few days, I have been having those impressions of a particular time of life, with the memory of a room where something traumatic happened intruding on my thoughts, with occasional images intruding. I want to shoo it away, "ok, whatever, that happened, fine," but I know that's not healthy so I'm trying to just be with it. But it is hard and vague and there is so much under that. I can feel all kinds of weird tensions in my body, and dissociative strangeness coming and going.

Then there is another layer that connects a current unhealthy behavior with a specific trauma from long ago.

There is a part of me that is so jaded, like I'm an annoying stereotype of a trauma victim who can't get over it. Or the pathetic "before" part of a "before and after" story. Screw that. I did get over it. That's why there's Alex. But he has his own problem. And there are other parts of me who are not over any of it.

Seriously wish I wasn't here.

Hi,

Do you know why you're feeling this way?

Could it be because you started therapy recently? Or because of your daughter age?

Hey, you're working on so many things and you're being so responsible of yourselves. Yeah, not easy, but you're doing a great work. And as Una say, this shall pass too.

Regarding the binge eating, it could be to gain some sense of control you might not feel in other fields.

Have you talked with your T about all this layer issues? I think you did a great work at examining the situation and it could work as almost a check list to goals you might want to work in therapy.

Hey, right now is tough, but it won't be like this forever. You're working on things, many things, and that work will pay off.

Is there something sothing you can do to treat yourselves? A warm bubble shower, nice music, candles, meditating, excercise, art? Do give yourselves a rest by doing something you like that might free your mind of all that's happening.

Sea

I think I go through a really similar cycle, as far as shifting (unaware) into a 'mode' where I have no past and am totally detached from everything I've ever actually known, and for me these phases feel really great, but they usually turn out to have happened because something caused me to disassociate especially badly, and the extreme disassociation felt good. But then ironically it ends with hell to pay, as soon as whatever was initially triggered in the first place starts to 'bubble over' in essence. Then there's the extremely confused/chaotic/dark phase like my past just starts puking all over the place in my mind, which itself triggers a different sort of part and disassociation where I really just don't give a **** about anything for a while, like a more apathetic, fed up "**** it" type of numbness/freedom than a euphoric/clueless one.

If we experience the same thing, or even just something very similar, then I also understand where the suicidal ideation can often come from. It's like, yeah, everything will get better, but not really. It'll be the same trap all over again. It's like when we feel good, that means something is wrong, which is just screwed up and depressing in itself, and is almost always followed by feeling really, really ****ed up.

The real deal to keep in mind is to take each "oh snap" moment in each 'cycle' and try to just let yourself open up / open your mind to learning / understanding more about yourself and your system. It's not really about trying to feel better or fix anything (although I'm certainly familiar with that desperate as hell feeling). But rather it's about slowly, bit by bit, earning back pieces of yourself that you've 'lost' at some point in your life.

When you feel like **** or feel some specific bad thing, or get intrusive thoughts, and so on, the truth is that you're being trusted with that stuff, those emotions and thoughts. Whereas before it would have been assumed that you can't handle it at all and it would have been kept from you, now it's being given to you in small chunks/waves/pieces at a time.

It's both a sign that you're getting stronger, even if slowly but surely, and it also gives you the opportunity to get stronger with each wave.

You can think of it in a very similar way that athletes think of their training and performance. At first say the person could only bench 100 lbs, so they just kept bench pressing that number until they could bench 120 lbs, and they kept bench pressing 120 lbs until they could bench 140 lbs. Etc, etc.

We systems typically start out not being able to handle hardly any negative emotion at all, but as we slowly but surely grow stronger, we are able to gradually handle more and more, with the theoretical end goal being that we can handle our entire self all at once, without losing our minds.

I mean seriously I've known people who, like the most traumatic thing they ever went through in childhood was when their dog died, or something. And I don't look down on them at all or anything like that. But I do acknowledge that my emotional and mental fortitude and strength has far surpassed theirs, through raw experience. And it will have to climb higher still in order for me to be handle the full reality of who I am and my entire life's history / experiences.

But just like kids don't pop out of the womb bench pressing 200 lbs, so we don't pop out of the womb being able to handle insanely heavy amounts of despair, terror and rage. We have to slowly practice this **** over time and build up our strength to new levels, one level at a time.

So just hang on to the fact that you're being trusted with those feelings and thoughts, because you've grown stronger, and your system (knowing you better than anyone else on the face of the planet does) knows that you are capable of becoming stronger still. Just keep pushing forward, you got this.

Thanks for the reminders that it's temporary and there is life outside all this, Seangel. Easy to forget that in rough times.

CopperMoon, you are so right on with your reply. That is how it works with me, but it's been a long time since I've felt anything like that. Thanks for understanding and putting it into words in such a validating and nonjudgmental way.

TRIGGER WARNING: suicidal alter and self injury
There is a huge contingent of me that apparently believes my husband doesn't care about them. At the same time, I am a genius at mind reading (joke!) and project all kinds of things onto my husband, such as that he doesn't take me seriously. Last night I must have said something annoying along that vein, and he said, "I don't care about ____, I don't care about any of them!" in frustration.

This is pretty much the worst thing he could have said. It triggered this really raw, silent emotional part of me from the old suicidal days. My husband immediately after his statement went to bed, leaving me sitting in another room. I got stuck and couldn't move for a while. Then that raw part came out and was frantically looking for some way to injure. (it was weird--I was there and was saying, "you can't do anything that will show or the kids or anyone will see," and it listened, didn't do much of anything.) It went to my husband and stared at him so that he came out of the room. I recognize this part from the bad old days. There was a big mirror in the room we were in and looked a certain way. I was stuck behind that alter. I'm not exactly sure what happened, except that my husband was trying to talk to that part as he would talk to me. It said upsetting things about being suicidal, and my husband took it personally. He said this situation is a burden on the whole family, which made everything much worse. Then he said it wasn't a burden on the kids really, and then he said burden is the wrong word. That part didn't talk that much, mostly stared sullenly while frozen, but the things it did say were not the sort of thing one should say, though I don't remember what exactly. I was trying to jump out and stop it but I couldn't, though I could influence some of what was said to soften the blow.

In the end my husband was trying gauge whether it was safe to leave me alone. This was so horrible. I felt so bad for putting my husband in that situation. I was able to take over and apologize and tell him not to worry. My husband cried for maybe the fifth time since I'm known him.

I hate being so manipulative and obviously disturbed. This is why I think I have borderline personality. Hmm. But as I wrote that, I had the thought that I involved him because the pain was too much to handle alone and I was afraid I was going to do something rash. So even though the way "we" communicated was immature and manipulative, it was better than the possible alternative, rage and violence directed at myself.

Weight lifting. Emotional weight lifting. Today is another day, and I have to live with myself somehow. Have mercy on our souls.

Nondescript,

Your posts brought back memories of where I was in August and September. I've had to read them over several times and to be quite honest I'm not sure if I have absorbed it all. But, I wanted to let you know I get where you are right now.

I remember how scary it was to watch myself fall apart and hurt myself. I couldn't talk, couldn't explain to my husband what was going on, like I was silenced on the inside. A prisoner in my own body. My husband couldn't understand and made things worse by saying the wrong things. He just really didn't understand. Now that I am past it a little bit we understand why he doesn't get it. Most days we don't even understand ourselves how can he get it when we can't even talk and explain.

I know I scared him over and over; Running away, refusing to talk, blackouts and self-harm. Because I was stuck watching this happen and couldn't stop it I blamed myself for it all. I felt (and still do somewhat) like a burden on him and that I was hurting the kids. I wished for the amnesia to come back so that I didn't have to watch all this craziness that I couldn't stop. It was the worst for me.

It gets better. Really. I HAD to give myself time and space. I moved into my sewing room and really just couldn't do more than focus on me. But, at the end I realized that I had learned so much about my parts and had this huge surge of awareness.

The moments like this are so much fewer and tolerable now. I used to see the idea of grounding thrown around and I could not "ground" myself. Now, with the increase in communication grounding is actually possible.

I still feel like a burden, the fact that I still don't feel as though I do enough for the family eats at me. It is a bad thought, but sometimes I wish I had a physical illness to explain why I can't do the things I used to. It would be easier. Instead I walk around looking absolutely healthy, sounding sane more than half the time and yet I can't remember anything for $#%^, or I hear something and dissociate. It is so random. I'm so scared to do anything with the kids by myself because I don't know what will happen. I want to cook again, yet I keep burning stuff. The list goes on...but when people ask me how I am, I'm good, I'm fine. It just doesn't make any sense.

Nondescript wrote:CopperMoon, you are so right on with your reply.

Oh, yes! I was so glad to read CopperMoon's answer. That's why I think spaces like this are brilliant. Different people can provide different perspectives, and someone might provide what's exactly needed. So, there is no one only wise answer provider, but many who provide, support, and sometimes, maybe many times, work together to co-create options about what can be done. : )

Nondescript wrote:Thanks for the reminders that it's temporary and there is life outside all this, Seangel. Easy to forget that in rough times.

It's all right.

I was going to pin point some parts of the paragraph; however, I don't want to judge on things I certainly don't know. So, rather, I'm going to try to raise some questions. (But I'm also going to validate some things I see, from my, maybe narrow, perspective).

While I believe that he said some hurtful things; specially if he was talking about anyone in the system, he might have said them out of frustration (as you said) and anger, and he also retracted from some things. So, something I wonder is wether he's going to therapy as well.

He could really use the support of a specialist and of a support group, and maybe friends and family, who might understand him, and who might listen to him vent, without saying things that have built up inside in wrong moments. So, one thing I'd encourage him is to look for someone to talk to.

You could also go to a family therapy to talk about issues that could put a stress on the family. How things affect the children, safety issues, and so on.

To the part of you that thought about self-injuring, I wanna say that it was great that you listened to what other parts were saying. That it was a great achievement; a success for all of you.

Nondescript wrote:So even though the way "we" communicated was immature and manipulative, it was better than the possible alternative, rage and violence directed at myself.

The way you communicated just "was". You can work towards changing it, if you want to. However, I do validated. For the reasons that are, that's the way you all have learnt to deal or communicate in certain situations. And you're changing to things you want more, and feel more comfortable. I wouldn't say it is immature or manipulative. I'd say it is. And there's a reason for it to be that way. And you are working to things you feel more comfortable.

Something, else, maybe for you husband. Yes, the whole DID thing can put a stress on the family and the relationship. However, that makes part of the person he so much love. Each person has something they work on. He has things he works on too. So, he can also be a team player, and learn, and discover, and think of tools. That's why support for him, is also important.

Hey, wish you good communication and understanding with one another with your husband.

Sea

PS: Sometimes, when I've written about how I feel some parts of me, I worry about making you, or anyone else, doubt your DID. These lasts posts; however, evidence me how different I feel my parts of me, from your parts of you. So, if you again come to doubt your DID, you can re-read some of Alex's posts or even this post to see it. : )

I am so worn out and won't write an in depth reply. am4kds, your sharing your experience is priceless to me. Yes, I need space and I need sleep.

Seangel, in my husband's culture, people would only go to therapy if there was something seriously wrong with them. He is not open to therapy and doesn't have people he shares this kind of thing with other than me. You are right that there's no need for me to judge my behavior. I am just so afraid of being manipulative and evil. I hate having needs.

Oh, and don't worry about talking about different parts of yours. I find it really interesting see how DID is an exaggeration of a more typical presentation. Although for a while I was sure you are a helpful part of someone's system... but whose?

As usual, Alex saved the day today. I went for a very long walk this morning hoping to dissipate all the stress hormones coursing through me. I felt I would never feel better or be able to think straight. But I started to feel better, and Alex returned to get "us" moving in a more practical mindset. And I talked to an old friend who knew I was a we from way back. So that was all good. Things are fine with my husband. He's taking things in stride.

Nondescript wrote:Although for a while I was sure you are a helpful part of someone's system... but whose?

Mine

Nondescript wrote:Seangel, in my husband's culture, people would only go to therapy if there was something seriously wrong with them. He is not open to therapy and doesn't have people he shares this kind of thing with other than me.

It's a shame he wouldn't go to therapy or use a support network. It helped me tremendously, and it released tension from the relationship.

I'm glad Alex is there, always. Hi Alex!

I hope things are much better, and take care of that part of you from the old days. Work with him/her in therapy. Let her/him express what they're feeling. And tell him/her that's she/he's so very important for everyone in the system. She/he might learnt new ways to deal with strong feelings. S/he did so good this time by listening.

Sea