Tips for Co-hosting?

We have found out that Melissa was a co-host with myself up until 18 when things went bad and we ended up hospitalized. For example, in high school I took care of all the academics and dealing with adults while she played sports and did the social stuff. Between ages 18-22? there was kind of a war going on between the two of us of whom was going to be the "host", until Bryan was created to manage the system and Melissa became the protector of the system.

Now that the system is "out" again, Melissa wants to go back to co-hosting. She told our T today that she wants her life back. Melissa wants a career and a chance to do stuff she enjoys. I'm a SAHM, have been for 11 years. Life is very stressful, and it isn't just the whole DID thing. Four active kids, two of whom I homeschool and will for another 4 years, and other huge external stressors in our lives just don't make it easy to turn everything inside out and let Melissa find her career. We've talked about her doing some online two-year degree or certification (already have 2 BS's) but there is the money issue. Then there is the DID thing...It has only been six months since the diagnosis, with lots of downs (not many ups) and we are not even close to getting into the stuff I am terrified of. What if we just can't work for awhile?

Are their others who co-host in their day-to-day lives...whose host is the opposite in personalities and goals? Is it even possible? Melissa does come out and co-host in our life now, but she is miserable and becoming more and more angry about things.

Yup. That would be me and Alter 2. "My" career has always had two separate tracks that I now understand to be mine and his. Sometimes they ran in parallel, sometimes there would be switching between the two tracks. Rarely was there any connection between the two. I used to experience many of my workdays as being "hijacked", spent in a trance doing who knows what. Other people thought highly of whatever it was that I was doing during those times, but I used to feel like a fraud because as far as I was concerned I was not working. I certainly was not doing my work. Now that we know about the DID and are talking directly with each other, we are beginning to find ways to work together rather than independently or in conflict with each other.

Take your time, both of you. This awareness of your situation is still all very new, and there is a lot of self work to be done before you launch into any new career or make other big changes in your life and your family's life.

Can you ask someone to co-host with you or does it have to happen on its own? If so how do you decide who would make the best host? Is it better to have a co-host? How is it different than being co-conscious? Hope someone can answer, I would like to learn. Any info would be appreciated if am4kds doesn't matter. I don't want to hi-jack the thread.

firelamb67 wrote:Can you ask someone to co-host with you or does it have to happen on its own? If so how do you decide who would make the best host? Is it better to have a co-host? How is it different than being co-conscious? Hope someone can answer, I would like to learn. Any info would be appreciated if am4kds doesn't matter. I don't want to hi-jack the thread.

Hijack away!

Melissa's personality is very spontaneous and impetuous. Long-term plans are not her thing. Myself, I see all this as a long-term goal. Most days I struggle with the way life is now and have no clue how something like a new career or job would even get done.

But, T is suggesting that we might be able to find something small, a new hobby, now to interest Melissa for the time being. Something outside of the whole "Mommy" role I have. It just makes me think how will it work? I suffer from severe social anxiety. Just the thought of going out on a regular basis and doing something with other people makes my heart race. Will it be like "Okay Melissa, your turn." and I just turn the body over to her? Or, since we have pretty good co-consciousness will she be affected by my anxiety?

The thing is when I worked full-time and I did a job that "I" really wasn't suited for I did it really well. Got lots of raises and promotions. Now, I know it was done by "committee". I dealt with the managers and VPs, Melissa did all the creative work and Zoe did the organization stuff. But there feels like there is a difference now that I am aware...

I doubt our own case will be particularly instructive for you, but out of a sense of solidarity, let me share my own, similar dilemma. Part of what started our recent uprising is the opinion of several alters that life should be going in a different direction. One was particularly successful in her meddling into current events and thinking. She is an artistic type, prone to faith in questionable enterprises and imagines life as a play of archetypes and meaning. She has created a few artworks in the past that surprised me, being as I lack all aptitude in the arts. Professionally, all of our credentials are in the realm of sciences, and the plan is to continue that trend when the kids are bigger.

The artistic one has been pressuring 'us' to seek education in arts, or at least art therapy. My comrade-is notably phobic about all things to do with personal expression except writing. The artistic one has limited life experience and spins her dreams from afar, as far as I can tell, so how can we know that she (and we) will blossom in such a setting? She is a tad lacking in judgment and utterly lovely nonetheless. I would love to see her fulfilling her dreams. Oh, tsk tsk. How will we navigate through this interesting passage?

Alex once held a job and his own life separate from home life. He in fact changed our bodily name to his name, and we later changed it back for convenience' sake. His independence worked well for a while. He lived at work. Eventually, a personal crisis resulted in inappropriate surfacing of other alters that undermined work performance.

I was reading about system cooperation and contracts and such. I can't say as it makes sense to me at this point. We switch when we switch and that's it. Certain settings/topics/emotions do serve as predictable triggers. If you got to the point where this was more conscious, it might work. Maybe this could be an inspiration for Melissa to cooperate a bit more on the home front with your husband. It would be a good exercise in conscious control and decision-making.

firelamb67 wrote:Can you ask someone to co-host with you or does it have to happen on its own? If so how do you decide who would make the best host? Is it better to have a co-host? How is it different than being co-conscious? Hope someone can answer, I would like to learn. Any info would be appreciated if am4kds doesn't matter. I don't want to hi-jack the thread.

You can try to ask someone to co-host with you.
Sometimes it happens automatically to me without even realizing, especially in a situation of danger (for example, one morning Jonathan was fronting but then my mother came to talk to me and he automatically allowed me to co-host so I could talk, but it was hard to do and he felt very scared).
One night I asked him to co-host with me but I later left and he took full control....

So I guess sometimes it just happens automatically, sometimes you can ask.

Co-consciousness...I figured it out I have it and it basically means when an alter is fronting and you're aware of what he/she does, but you're not in control.
Is it better to have a co-host? It depends on situations, I guess. And co-hosting and co-consciousness differ because while with co-hosting an alter shares control, with co-consciousness you're simply conscious (or alters are conscious) that they're fronting (or alters are conscious that you are fronting).
Co-hosting and co-consciousness can both happen at the same time.
I experience something I call "co-consciousness holes" though....sometimes I'm conscious, other times I'm not, which means that I can't remember what happened while another alter was fronting, or I just get confused memories or it just takes some time to remember and I try to just sit somewhere and put the pieces together.

Ok. Yesterday my T asked if I could front with Alex right beside me and for her to be aware. She said either I can stand in front and have her slightly behind me watching or the other way around. She wants us to be together at the same time if possible but she's calling it co-conscious. I don't know how to do that. I can let her take over, but I don't know how to have her there with me at the same time. Also when I get near her the pain of the memories gets really intense and it hurts. I know it's got to be hurting her as well. So that's putting a wrinkle into everything.

The idea of it really confuses me. My T isn't forcing me she just said maybe I could work on doing that. I told her I didn't know how. But I will try. I want to do this specially if it helps Alex. I'd do anything for her.

Any suggestions?

The way I understand the terminology, which may or may not be right, is:

co-hosting - sharing executive control, such as for activity A I would be the host and for activity B Melissa would be in executive control, and say Dorothy would have executive control for activity C... may or may not involve co-consciousness.

co-consciousness - is two or more alters being aware of what is happening, or being said. Being in the present. Generally one is in "front" or hosting.

I think my biggest issue with co-hosting is giving up my fantasy of control...Up until today in therapy I have never purposefully called another alter forward to switch with me. It just happens...it was only July that I was still fighting the switching. Today we had talked about letting Lo come out if there was time and there was. So, for the first time I actually went in and asked if she wanted to come out and talk to T. That was strange. At first I didn't know it was going to work, but then I saw her walking toward me until she just merged and I was behind the glass.

My goal at this point is full co-consciousness. I only have 100% co-consciousness with Bryan. I am generally co-conscious with the other "older" ones unless they block me for a reason. With co-consciousness even if I am not the host I can discuss what is going on with whomever is out front. With the littles I am either completely not aware or it is like being behind a frosted glass window. I know who is out and I get flashes of what is happening, but can't see/hear anything clearly. Sometimes instead of being present, the littles send me pictures and emotional feelings of what is going on or what happened. And, that is really difficult.

I've always liked the car analogy...sometimes I'm the driver, sometimes the front seat passenger, sometimes in the backseat, and then there are the times I get locked in the trunk. It gets really crazy when you get thrown in the third-row seat and the 4 in front are fighting over the driver's seat. That happened to me in a craft store a few weeks ago I had a headache for several days.

With co-consciousness or even just when some of the really emotional alters are near the front I am really affected by their emotional states. If too many are around I really have problems with physically grounding and focusing myself. Lots of rapid switching.

am4kds got it right.

I like the car analogy too.

I can relate to what you say in your post, we share very similar experiences.

Thanks am4kds, I think I understand now. I understand how to get her up front with me. I just wonder how well i'll tolerate it. Guess we'll see. I know Alex really wants to talk to my T because she saw how she made Kenzie feel better. So I gotta do this. It's probably going to take more than one try, but I will do it, somehow I will.