Everything has gone haywire **TW**

I don't even know how to start this. I have not been well. Life has not been well. Do not know what to do. Just wondering if I even really exist.

I usually have control. Much more control. Or maybe I haven't and just thought I did. I am scared of "me" but do not know who "me" is. My parts have been making themselves known to therapist, and myself along with some other parts are scared to death. Afraid of what therapist thinks of us, afraid of her leaving, afraid of her not believing we are here, afraid of her, but we want her at the same time. Is this normal to make themselves more prominent in therapy? I had not ever really noticed when they came or went, just that I didn't exactly remember a whole lot. But now it has all gone haywire. The last session, I did not even get to hardly talk to T. I just "went away." Sometimes I remember some parts of sessions but have no control of what is said and what the body is doing and other times there is no remembering. Had a crisis call, and T was understandable to my surprise. It is an uneasy feeling knowing "I" didn't get to see T and for some reason was just really emotional. But anyways, she said I "switched" a couple times, and being emotional is normal. She has never used that word with me. Is there a difference between "switching" and "going away." How do you deal with "switches" in therapy? How does your T respond? Do you even remember or know how your T responds? It just feels like everything is becoming more out of my control and they are just showing up. Sometimes I wonder if this is all just me imagining. If they even are real. Like what if it is imaginated and T is just "playing along." What if I do not even exist? I am afraid my parts are becoming too connected to T. T says this is the process she feels we need to go through. I find me fighting this, but am about to just give in. Can parts get angry if they are ignored? All of this is still so new to me, even though it has been 6 months or so and I am so confused all the time. A new part emailed T, and I also find this quite nerve wracking and embarassing. Do not know how to deal. And this T just keeps saying, why are you afraid, you have "known" about them your whole life. Whatever that means. Just really really need someone to talk to about this. Anyone. Thanks for listening to my confusing thoughts.

fracturedangel wrote:I don't even know how to start this. I have not been well. Life has not been well. Do not know what to do. Just wondering if I even really exist.

I usually have control. Much more control. Or maybe I haven't and just thought I did. I am scared of "me" but do not know who "me" is. My parts have been making themselves known to therapist, and myself along with some other parts are scared to death. Afraid of what therapist thinks of us, afraid of her leaving, afraid of her not believing we are here, afraid of her, but we want her at the same time. Is this normal to make themselves more prominent in therapy? I had not ever really noticed when they came or went, just that I didn't exactly remember a whole lot. But now it has all gone haywire. The last session, I did not even get to hardly talk to T. I just "went away." Sometimes I remember some parts of sessions but have no control of what is said and what the body is doing and other times there is no remembering. Had a crisis call, and T was understandable to my surprise. It is an uneasy feeling knowing "I" didn't get to see T and for some reason was just really emotional. But anyways, she said I "switched" a couple times, and being emotional is normal. She has never used that word with me. Is there a difference between "switching" and "going away." How do you deal with "switches" in therapy? How does your T respond? Do you even remember or know how your T responds? It just feels like everything is becoming more out of my control and they are just showing up. Sometimes I wonder if this is all just me imagining. If they even are real. Like what if it is imaginated and T is just "playing along." What if I do not even exist? I am afraid my parts are becoming too connected to T. T says this is the process she feels we need to go through. I find me fighting this, but am about to just give in. Can parts get angry if they are ignored? All of this is still so new to me, even though it has been 6 months or so and I am so confused all the time. A new part emailed T, and I also find this quite nerve wracking and embarassing. Do not know how to deal. And this T just keeps saying, why are you afraid, you have "known" about them your whole life. Whatever that means. Just really really need someone to talk to about this. Anyone. Thanks for listening to my confusing thoughts.

First, from your point of view, you "went away," but from her point of view you "switched" to one of your alters. I hope that explains things.

From my way of thinking, it's a positive that your alters feel safe coming out and talking with your T. To me, that means some healing is happening and bottled up energy is being released. Parts can get angry if ignored, but most likely they have a lot of pent up anger from long ago and talking to the T is helping release that by getting it out in the open.

Trust that your T is really everybody's T, and helping anyone in your system is helping you by doing the therapy where ever it's needed the most. It's a process and will come to a good resolution over time. Also, understand what sometimes will seem like a step backwards may not be so in the long haul. As was once a line in a movie, "Hold onto your hat, it's gonna be a bumpy ride."

My wish for you is a better life where you will find you will naturally gain more control and health. You are doing the best you can for your future, and you have the help of your T and everyone inside too.

I can relate to what you wrote. I am in the early stages, too, and I feel scared and upset. I have a lot of co-consciousness already, which helps me feel not totally out of it. But having parts come up and me be so uncomposed... it's the most exposed and vulnerable and out of control I think I have ever felt. It is scary to open up this thing that has even been secret to ourselves. I'd feel upset if I didn't feel at all present in therapy sessions, too. I really need them.

Anyway, you're not alone. Thanks for the good words, Professeur.

Thank you for your replies. I understand that having them feel safe with T might be a good thing, but I guess it just does not settle well with me. Maybe some vulnerable feelings, or embarrassed feelings. They started making themselves known when T announced she was going away for awhile for personal reasons, and everything kind of got all stirred up I guess. But the thing is it has not slowed down, it has not gotten "better." I logically know that this is a process, but at the same time feel like they just need to stop already! There are others that do not want T, and the ones that desperately want her are the ones showing up in T. It is like a constant battle between the ones that show up, the ones that want her away from us as soon as possible, and me. Logically I know they are parts of me, but they are their own. I do not know what their roles are even. T keeps saying we have to figure out what their roles are, why they are there........but this in itself seems impossible to know or figure out. How do you know, how do you tell what their functions are? Its not like they just tell me. I think I am co-conscious, but not all obviously with what happened in T. We want to run away. We want to hide. Getting closer to T is scary and it hurts too bad.

I use to get so embarrassed by the different alters coming out in session that I would always find myself apologizing to my T. She finally told me that I needed to stop that because it is important that the alters come out and get the help they need. I have a little that will only come out to my T, and she will email T if she has not been able to see her that week. I complained about it, but my T said again that this part needs the relationship right now. Because she was so neglected she needs to know she is important.

I think the thing that has really helped me feel better about them coming out during therapy is that my manager alter pointed out that most of the alters have been traumatized and that they have their own psychological issues that go along with it. Like the little above has very high levels of anxiety. I cannot go grocery shopping right now because she is triggered in grocery stores for some reason. She needs to work on this with our T, which means she has to build her own relationship with our T.

fracturedangel wrote:I do not know what their roles are even. T keeps saying we have to figure out what their roles are, why they are there........but this in itself seems impossible to know or figure out. How do you know, how do you tell what their functions are? Its not like they just tell me.

This is another reason they need to come out. Your T is talking to them and learning about them and she may be able to determine what their roles are. I had some that I had no idea what they were supposed to do in the system, and they couldn't tell me either. But, through conversation certain traits were discovered which helped a lot.

fracturedangel wrote:There are others that do not want T, and the ones that desperately want her are the ones showing up in T. It is like a constant battle between the ones that show up, the ones that want her away from us as soon as possible, and me.

The ones that "don't want T" may be a bit more cautious and are waiting to see how she does with the ones who are a bit braver. One of my protectors spent a month sending nasty emails to T, which T responded to very cool and calmly. Eventually this protector has opened up a bit. She is still very reserved, but just today she asked me if she could have time at the next session with T to talk about something.

I think haywire is normal.

Thank you am4kds-
Everyone's replies have helped me not feel so alone. It has been a long couple years but am "officially" diagnosed DID in my chart and through insurance. This brings up issues for me. For them to maybe. It's really quite weird and scary in a sense.....my T told me today that she "knew" and has wondered how many were inside me for over a year now.....how does that happen? I guess it is what it is and she knew long before and is still here, so it really should not scare us. Thanks everyone.

My T says you can talk to them. It might make some of them feel more at ease or safe.

For the ones who are reluctant or don't wan T, tell them it's ok, that you understand, and invite them to watch through your eyes so they can see it's not threatening, and over time they may come to trust your T and you more and be willing to be able to come forward and get help.

I wont let anyone out in therapy because I am too embarrassed to do it. I am working up the courage to do it though. I want to let the mother talk to her because she holds a lot of important info about the system that I don't know. She's a safe one. My little one came out to her during an EMDR session and got a lot of help and even some EMDR herself.

I am new to the whole thing and am confused by a lot of it, and for some reason I feel shame about it. That's weird, i'm sure but shame permeates just about everything I do.

You are not alone. Sounds like your T has a good handle on the situation. I thinks it's good that they come out to your T. Like the previous post said, they are getting the help and healing they need. This will also transfer to you in time as they start feeling better and you can either integrate or be co-conscious with them.

I have to loosen my control but it's just so hard.

Good luck and keep up the good work.