Introducing SO to alters for the first time

Every healthy relationship has spaces for each person in it to go away and have their own spaces to rant or de-stress. This is one of my places and I won't be able to do it properly if I think someone I know is going around reading my posts after I make them (they probably won't be but I have OCD so once that thought is in there it really won't go away). I *do* want him to know all the headvoices because it'll be very helpful for that lost time if he can spot when it's going on and remind them to take notes for me because they all forget in their enjoyment of being out. It's mostly B I want him to meet as she's the largest personality in there by far and she's been with me the longest but last time I introduced her to someone I was in a relationship went badly so we're both a bit unsure. I will see if she can do the meeting without involving her feet in sensitive spots or any of the throwing things but maybe starting online is a good idea then at least there's a process of boundary setting.

Orchids, I will put that suggestion to him when he gets home from work

Great! It would also help him to study and read all he can about DID. That is what I have done.

FishtailedChimera wrote:Every healthy relationship has spaces for each person in it to go away and have their own spaces to rant or de-stress. This is one of my places and I won't be able to do it properly if I think someone I know is going around reading my posts after I make them (they probably won't be but I have OCD so once that thought is in there it really won't go away). I *do* want him to know all the headvoices because it'll be very helpful for that lost time if he can spot when it's going on and remind them to take notes for me because they all forget in their enjoyment of being out. It's mostly B I want him to meet as she's the largest personality in there by far and she's been with me the longest but last time I introduced her to someone I was in a relationship went badly so we're both a bit unsure. I will see if she can do the meeting without involving her feet in sensitive spots or any of the throwing things but maybe starting online is a good idea then at least there's a process of boundary setting.

Orchids, I will put that suggestion to him when he gets home from work

Kit, I have to disagree with the last part of what you said. I think if Fishtailed doesn't want to have her SO make an account on the site, that's fine. Fishtailed can show him the site and why it's being used, but the SO doesn't have to make an account.

I was not referring to him having an account here at all, just that he should be, in my opinion, at least aware of the existence of this place and perhaps shown some useful information from here(even if it's just as print outs with no indication of forum name). To be honest I have no idea where you got the idea of my saying he should have an account, I was just saying in a marriage secrets aren't a good thing. As in, even if he never sees anything posted here he should at least know the place exists(even if not by name) and that she's a member. That's all I was saying.
Kit

FishtailedChimera wrote:Every healthy relationship has spaces for each person in it to go away and have their own spaces to rant or de-stress. This is one of my places and I won't be able to do it properly if I think someone I know is going around reading my posts after I make them (they probably won't be but I have OCD so once that thought is in there it really won't go away). I *do* want him to know all the headvoices because it'll be very helpful for that lost time if he can spot when it's going on and remind them to take notes for me because they all forget in their enjoyment of being out. It's mostly B I want him to meet as she's the largest personality in there by far and she's been with me the longest but last time I introduced her to someone I was in a relationship went badly so we're both a bit unsure. I will see if she can do the meeting without involving her feet in sensitive spots or any of the throwing things but maybe starting online is a good idea then at least there's a process of boundary setting.

Orchids, I will put that suggestion to him when he gets home from work

I'm sorry if I was at all unclear, I didn't mean that he should be seeing your posts or anything like that, just that he should know that the place exists, even if he never sees it for himself. Basically it's fine for people to have private spaces, i feel the same way, but I think it shouldn't be a secret what those spaces are and that you go there. You don't have to involve him in the forums but he should know, in my opinion, that you are part of a forum to discuss things. To me it's the same as telling your SO where you're going in real life. To be clear, what I'm saying is that he doesn't ever have to see the forum or even know it's specific name but, in my opinion, he should be aware that it exists, especially since you're discussing things that involve him here, and that it shouldn't be one of those Oh no he's gonna see what I'm writing, quickly closes the computer kind of situations because that, in my opinion, is not healthy.
Kit

fox13 wrote:

Kit, I have to disagree with the last part of what you said. I think if Fishtailed doesn't want to have her SO make an account on the site, that's fine. Fishtailed can show him the site and why it's being used, but the SO doesn't have to make an account.

I was not referring to him having an account here at all, just that he should be, in my opinion, at least aware of the existence of this place and perhaps shown some useful information from here(even if it's just as print outs with no indication of forum name). To be honest I have no idea where you got the idea of my saying he should have an account, I was just saying in a marriage secrets aren't a good thing. As in, even if he never sees anything posted here he should at least know the place exists(even if not by name) and that she's a member. That's all I was saying.
Kit

Oh. Sorry. I misunderstood your post. I agree with what you're saying. Sorry again.

Not knowing is not the issue, I assure you - he knows about the DID and that I have a place I go online to chat to people in similar circumstances. It really just is the how to go about introducing him to what I call the headvoices because it could go horribly... or it could go really well and sort of open the floodgates. I spend a lot of time trying to compartmentalise my life so there isn't a massive cascade of all my crazy impacting the same thing at once. It's a complicated balancing act ><

Violarules wrote:

fox13 wrote:

Kit, I have to disagree with the last part of what you said. I think if Fishtailed doesn't want to have her SO make an account on the site, that's fine. Fishtailed can show him the site and why it's being used, but the SO doesn't have to make an account.

I was not referring to him having an account here at all, just that he should be, in my opinion, at least aware of the existence of this place and perhaps shown some useful information from here(even if it's just as print outs with no indication of forum name). To be honest I have no idea where you got the idea of my saying he should have an account, I was just saying in a marriage secrets aren't a good thing. As in, even if he never sees anything posted here he should at least know the place exists(even if not by name) and that she's a member. That's all I was saying.
Kit

Oh. Sorry. I misunderstood your post. I agree with what you're saying. Sorry again.

It's ok, no big deal.
Kit

FishtailedChimera wrote:Not knowing is not the issue, I assure you - he knows about the DID and that I have a place I go online to chat to people in similar circumstances. It really just is the how to go about introducing him to what I call the headvoices because it could go horribly... or it could go really well and sort of open the floodgates. I spend a lot of time trying to compartmentalise my life so there isn't a massive cascade of all my crazy impacting the same thing at once. It's a complicated balancing act ><

Well as I said before, my advice is to ask the others inside how they feel about meeting him and in what way and then discuss this with your SO and see how he feels about it. My biggest advice to you is to take things one step at a time and remember that these insiders are people too and the more you treat them like people the more cooperative they will be with you. Validate them and talk to them the same way you would anyone else and they will likely be less inclined to do something(such as act out violently) that you would not appreciate. Also, my advice is when it comes to your SO to not compartmentalize but instead be open, you said he knows about and accepts the DID so let him see what that really means. By the way you are not crazy at all, you're a survivor and that's nothing to be ashamed of or hide(at least not from safe people and safe situations). I can say from personal experience and from seeing others, including my husband, get comfortable with letting insiders be a part of the outside world as themselves around safe people and in safe situations, that it takes a huge weight off your shoulders and theirs. It lets them be themselves, which for most with DID is rare in my experience, and it takes a lot of stress off all of you. Essentially, what I'm trying to say is, in my opinion and experience, it's best let go of some of the control and let them have a life too(within reason of course, nothing dangerous or harmful) around your SO and in other safe situations. The reason I say this is because, to be completely honest, in my opinion and from what I have come across in research, all members of a DID group are "parts" and all are equal so everyone deserves to have a voice, be valued, be validated, and have their needs met on the outside. Also, I recommend working toward being co-conscious(if you're not already), as this will eliminate lost time for the most part and likely make you much more comfortable. I hope this is helpful.
Kit

I'm not sure co-conscious is a goal I can achieve outside of therapy, I need guidance for something like that or I'll just get distracted by something shinier. I don't use 'crazy' as a bad label for myself, I like being nutty lol at least I'm interesting XD Definitely need to have a sit down with everyone and chat but most of them don't talk directly to me so I guess that's on B to get off her ass and do some mediating. I'm sure she'll *love* that lol

FishtailedChimera wrote:I'm not sure co-conscious is a goal I can achieve outside of therapy, I need guidance for something like that or I'll just get distracted by something shinier. I don't use 'crazy' as a bad label for myself, I like being nutty lol at least I'm interesting XD Definitely need to have a sit down with everyone and chat but most of them don't talk directly to me so I guess that's on B to get off her ass and do some mediating. I'm sure she'll *love* that lol

That's understandable about the co-consciousness, therapy has been the reason we are able to achieve it. I more meant just as a general goal for the long term because I know it's been a life saver for us. I'm glad it's not a negative thing, I often use nuts in the same way jokingly. As for talking with others besides going through B, you could try giving them access to a notebook, or word document, ect so they could communicate that way. If you don't already do something like this, it can really help when you're not co-conscious to make communicating easier and it can facilitate verbal communication over time, at least in my experience and from what I've heard from others I've spoken with.
Kit