Introducing SO to alters for the first time

Our experience might be a little different but we'll share it anyway...

Six years ago, our core/host met her SO online and started a relationship with him. At the time, we had never heard of DID (we were not diagnosed until May of this year, which is when we first learned about DID). We had heard of MPD, but were only aware of a few dramatic Hollywood accounts, which didn't resemble our experience at all. For reference, our two co-hosts are almost always co-conscious, and there has always been lots of dialogue, cooperation and sharing between our "facets" as we call them. So, we definitely didn't see ourself in the sensational accounts of people waking up thousands of miles from home and finding months had passed with no memory, etc...having no word for it, we assumed we were on our own and didn't know there was a psychological issue going on.

Anyway...a few months into the relationship, one of the facets, whose name is Kiska, began to assert herself with the SO. Kiska is a five year old child alter who has been a host/co-host for about five years now, but back then she was primarily our recorder, our memory. Although she has always enjoyed co-consciousness and is almost always very aware of what everyone else is doing/thinking/saying, at the time the host had only the vaguest awareness of her and did not have co-consciousness with her at all. Kiska began to emerge late in the evenings when the host was sleepy. Being a child with no guile whatsoever and not understanding that the information was private, she promptly disclosed a lot of the host's information to the SO, including the host's thoughts and feelings about many issues, including the relationship, which the host was not ready to disclose herself. Obviously, SO was initially left wondering why the person he loved seemed to be more honest and open about her feelings sometimes and other times was more reserved and cool.

From the very start, Kiska introduced herself and corrected the SO's use of the host's name. Even if she hadn't, she has a very distinctive voice, speech pattern and accent which differed from the hosts and from everyone else's, and makes her very easy to identify. Although very anxious to please and insecure about being good enough to deserve love, Kiska has never had any shyness about the fact of her existence so came forward without the host's permission or knowledge. Within a few weeks, Kiska had bridged a relationship of her own with the host's SO, asking him to become a father figure to her. For some reason we may never know, he accepted, and soon developed a distinct relationship with Kiska herself. In addition to his romance with the host, the SO also developed a realistic, supportive, wonderful and NORMAL type relationship with Kiska (nothing creepy like you might have expected). Somehow, he has always been able to see Kiska and each facet as her own person and to maintain separate, non-overlapping relationships with each in ways that are appropriate to their ages, needs and personalities. This is incredibly lucky since SO does not have any mental illness issues that might have enabled them to relate, certainly no DID or dissociation, no abuse history, etc.

Since then, different facets have come forth at different times and introduced themselves to him, usually they felt they had important information for him or wanted to ask him questions. For instance, Fierce, our "protectrix"/defender, came forth to demand he clarify his intentions for his relationship with the host, interrogated him on how he would interact with the children, tested him for any potential to abuse or exploit the kid facets, etc...throughout it all SO has been really supportive and simply taken it in stride. In May of this year we were finally given the diagnosis after going into an inpatient setting for the first time ever due to stress. SO was completely unsurprised to hear of the diagnosis and continues to be supportive of treatment even though we've all made it clear co-conscious, not integration is the goal (our T also supports this goal).

So, all in all, we believe it's a good thing to let your SO interact with all parts of "you" and for them to interact with him/her. Since "you" all share the same body, "you" are all going to have to tolerate this relationship for a long time, hopefully forever if "you're" planning on marriage. Letting each part of "you" get to know the SO and be seen and respected for who they are - when they are ready, obviously - is crucial to making it work.

The plan has always (and still is) been to introduce him to everyone that fronts eventually but, for reasons mentioned in this thread, we're experiencing a major setback at the moment. So everyone needs some time to watch and wait and hope that no more trust issues arise or it'll be yet another reason for B to be her usual nt-so-friendly self. They all want the relationship to work but obviously they don't want me to get into something that down the line is going to cause me pain over things like this.

FishtailedChimera wrote:The plan has always (and still is) been to introduce him to everyone that fronts eventually but, for reasons mentioned in this thread, we're experiencing a major setback at the moment. So everyone needs some time to watch and wait and hope that no more trust issues arise or it'll be yet another reason for B to be her usual nt-so-friendly self. They all want the relationship to work but obviously they don't want me to get into something that down the line is going to cause me pain over things like this.

Definitely the trust needs to be there. You have a right to your own space and a place where you can choose how much of yourself you share and when.

Did he tell you what his username on this site is?

He doesn't have one, he was browsing as a guest. Not sure which is worse....

Oh I see. Well, as long as he doesn't do it again and understands the consequences, everything should be fine.