confused about contradicting feelings

********TRIGGER WARNING********** negativity, family argument, trauma

I know this is a long post and i'm sorry. It was much longer but I cut it in half. We all have things to say. it's helping me by typing it and i'm hoping someone will help me gain some perspective.

Last year I got into a text argument , mainly between Priciphany and my nephew (nephew is close to my age). He, I believe had some resentment building up over some money I owed him. Priciphany basically suggested he was a pedophile, considering he only had one gf his entire life that anyone has been aware of. He was terrible in his response suggesting I was less than saintly and a leach while giving details about some not so nice things I had done in the past. Ohter family members were on the text to receive these personal details - embarassing.

To back up a bit, I had a bit of a breakdown somewhere in the middle of all that in 2009. My mother thought she would help me by easing some of my debt and offered me a loan. She said my nephew offered to give money because he would have a low interest rate, but she stated, “I’m taking half” Come to find later, she never told him she took half. So when I was having difficulty paying from time to time, like after neurosurgery, she said she would pay. I’m thinking she is paying her half and no big deal. As long as he gets a payment, right? . Come to find he’s getting pissed off because she wasn’t even paying him; he doesn't admit he's pissed off, i just perceive it since he makes sarcastic remarks. I never wanted to take a loan from this man. It’s out of balance to take money from a nephew, like parent taking money from a child. So he thinks I totally defaulted on him and am irresponsible. I reacted extremely to all of this and had to seek medical attention due to my deteriorating mental state and loss of functioning with my job. This is when I could no longer ignore DID and ultimately found myself on this message board.

I had to cut myself off from nephew completely along with his associates –other family members-for self preservation. I began to shake at the thought of him. I didn’t shake for months until my mom brought him up yesterday. See, he cut us all off in return, including her. Then out of the blue yesterday he reached out to her by saying he realizes he has a tendency to control his environment, but attributes this to being overly intelligent like her. Like complementing her while excusing his own behavior. I’m thinking to sort of kiss and make up. He claims he can see things others do not and can therefore see the big picture. With this conversation about him yesterday, I again started to shake – after months of no shaking. It was a few hours before it stopped.

I also see this man everywhere, like driving by in a car, in men at work. I know the men are not him, but they have some characteristic of him either physically or behaviorally (the way they carry themselves. Part of me believes my nephew to be sociopath and potential serial killer. My T says it is likely he did something to me or he reminds me of someone who did. I agree with the possibility, but I wish I knew. But certainly my extreme response has some sort of meaning. Some objective evidence to support my suspicion above.

Thing is, I know he had his own set of trauma growing up. Disorganized attachment with caregiver. His own grandmother from dad’s side orchestrated an exorcism on him when he was a young child. His mother is highly dissociative like me, but no obvious evidence of DID..and tuned him out a lot. I spent most vacations with his family growing up and I had the opportunity to experience his unhappy household which was where I preferred to be than my own home.

THEN Mom contacted me today via email. I say: Well, he is your grandson and he’s obviously reaching out to you on some level because he needs you. -As much as I hate to advocate for him (*part of me vomits inside ). I just don’t want anything to do with him because I can’t emotionally deal with his presence or thought of his presence. I wish I could think more positively of him and for him.
She says: After all this, I no longer react emotionally to him. It wld be doing me more harm than him. I now find him humorous and pathetic. Don't need nor want him involved my life anymore. He's just there because he is (daughter’s )son. For her sake, I will be in the same company.

Upon reading this I feel an overwhelming sense of sadness for him. SHe's his grandmother - a parent figure. Now, part of me wants to reach out to him. Explain I have DID and why I have behaved the way I have in the past. Part of me wants to shed some light on his past so he can gain some clarity. He is a disturbed man. The other part is screaming, NO, he is a dangerous man. Do not entrust him with information regarding your mental health, as he will only use it against you. I am just very confused about these contradictory feelings….i’m overwhelmed.

It seems to me that your entire family are toxic, each in their own way, including your mother, who has a huge chunk of responsibility for the fact that you have DID. You may not have been an angel yourself 100% of the time (no surprise in that environment), but you have perspective and strive to be better. Run the other way, away from all of them as much as you are able. That is my strong advice. Your mother is dishonest and manipulative.

always21 wrote:The other part is screaming, NO, he is a dangerous man. Do not entrust him with information regarding your mental health, as he will only use it against you. I am just very confused about these contradictory feelings….i’m overwhelmed.

Uh, the above is not a feeling. It is a very clearly worded warning. This part is telling you in no uncertain terms to share nothing and to stay away from this man.

always21 wrote:I had to cut myself off from nephew completely along with his associates –other family members-for self preservation. I began to shake at the thought of him.

Wow, you already know this and acted on it. Your body knows your safety is at risk -- or one or more alters are communicating that to you through the body.

You owe it to yourself to get healthy and you cannot do that when you allow yourself to be influenced by toxic, manipulative, dishonest, smothering and/or dangerous people. In a plane they tell you that in the case of lowered cabin pressure, affix the oxygen mask to yourself first -- before you even think about attempting to help anyone else. You need to put yourself where you're able to breathe fresh air, not the stale toxic fumes of these family members. Look after #1. Maybe, sometime in the future, after you have healed yourself, after you develop some immunity from their toxic ways, then you might consider giving someone else an oxygen mask.

Johnny thank you for taking the time to read that long post. I certainly have an aspect who agrees with you 100% I limit most contact with my family as of lately. I have more unbelievable things to say about my mom that have occurred in the last 2 years but it would almost be redundant but does support that my mom is manipulative and dishonest. I am so sad and struggle with how to handle her in particular since she has copd Idk how long she will be around. This prevents me from confronting her on anything. What good would it do now. She can't change. I moved about 30 min away -a nice healthy distance and I can screen calls and prevent contact if needed. It makes me feel so sad inside to realize how much damage she has caused me. As easily as she can turn off her feelings for her grandson and further be disgusted with him is how easy as she did the same to me all my life. At the moment, aspects of self are flooding me with memories to serve as examples of this. Huge role in me developing DID for sure, I definitely agree.

*****atrigger Warning *******
My DID originates from severe neglect, emotional and physical thus leaving me vulnerable to sexual predators and a sadistic father. I was subjected to experimental electric stimulation for treatment of scoliosis in which electric current were sent to my back via electrodes in two spots. I was part of an actual medical study in LA. The device was the scolitron- a failed method. The current was on for 10 seconds and off for 6 seconds and I was expected to sleep during this at night. I then became sleep deprived and stressed and overwhelmed this treatment would continue until 18. I developed infections on my back due to allergy to tape and electrodes and my back oozed puss during the day causing my shirt to stick to my back but was made to tape back up and experience electricity through infected skin throughout the night. Night after night I had no escape. I was watched and if I turned the current off I was reprimanded. I was hated by my siblings fir receiving attention over this when attention was limited. They dislike me and blame me for my father's death since he died at 13 during the course of this treatment. Just prior I began to overeat to cope and my dad put me on strict Atkins diet and monitored that and was made to be in heavy state of ketosis - for months. He started me until I lost weight then he died but not after I wanted him dead. My mother was silent emotionally unavailable bystander.