Finding it hard to engage with reality

Good evening,

This post may be difficult to understand, my brain feels on slow motion and I have a hard time expressing myself.

Since January I've had little to no communication with others in the system, and there was nothing anymore in therapy worth the time (we no longer had useful results). Since the beginning of May, I have felt increasingly detached from not just my body, but reality. I feel numb most of the time, I feel ... lifeless ? Like a machine going through the motions of life, perhaps. I perceive reality far and away, and it is difficult to stay focused on anything. Talking about it is also difficult, I keep forgetting what I want to write. Because of this detachment, and this feeling of not being human, I have a hard time getting better, and doing daily tasks.

Now, since the school semester is finished, the T and I are trying more intensive therapy, although it is too early to say whether it has any effect. I have also started antidepressants and we are still ramping dosage.

I assume this is not unusual in DID ? Grounding exercises aren't very efficient so far.

Hey lifepuzzle. I really relate to alot (well really all) of what you posted here. I feel like that alot of the time. It's not unusual at all in DID, it's dissociation. Derealization and depersonalization. Makes writing coherent posts, especially longer ones difficult.

Sadly I haven't found a way out, but you're not alone.

Hope things get better soon!

I am not sure this may help but the experience you describe is a result of your DID, not some inborn lack of ability. I say this just in case you're also getting down on yourself. You're quite human, even if you feel detached in general.

Ralph and Alfred, I remember that you guys are there and I ask you or anyone else who may be able to hear me to help your host in whatever way(s) you can. You're all in this together and you need to cooperate and communicate.

Lifepuzzle, this also means you'll need to listen for the others or be willing to give them some time. Our host has felt most of what you are felling.

Do you have any idea why this began to increase at the beginning of May?

I totally understand how you fee though mine are a bit differentl. I used to ride my bike a little faster, watch porn, anything to get a heartbeat going and get back. Sometimes they would be coupled with really high anxiety instead, increased heart rate.
How do yours do with or without anxiety?

I wish I could offer something. Just letting you know I understand.

Johnny-Jack wrote:You're all in this together and you need to cooperate and communicate.

Lifepuzzle, this also means you'll need to listen for the others or be willing to give them some time. Our host has felt most of what you are felling.

Do you have any idea why this began to increase at the beginning of May?

I understand that I have to be ready to listen and let them have some time of their own; I'm not against it unless it involves improper behavior. We used to have some level of communication, albeit not continuously. Considering Ralph's opinions on us having to tackle this problem, he's definitely not blocking things, but I can't know for others. I want to get better although I admit I don't have a clear picture of how much will [have to] change in our life.

Depersonalization and derealization doesn't make me anxious when I'm at my apartment, but when I am around other people, it stresses me more as I don't want it to be noticeable.

I cannot find a specific event at the beginning of May that would explain those symptoms, although I was probably affected by the fact that I was having a lot of difficulty at school (and I still have homeworks to complete if I must pass the courses), even though I had reduced my workload. I have also started antidepressants at the beginning of May, although problems with maintaining a routine resulted in me forgetting to take them often enough to completely stop. I have since started again, and am less forgetful so far, in part because of the time of the day I take it.

Somehow those symptoms are more intense when I'm not around someone else or just somewhere else. I feel somewhat well (motivated) when spending a day at my father's house, even just alone. When at my apartment, I have a hard time waking up, but I don't know why. I don't think it is a general lack of motivation because that is fine in other situations. I feel only partially concious when waking up, I just stay there "idling", it takes additional stimulation (like an unexpected phone call) for me to get going quickly, probably out of stress by that point. Otherwise, even when I plan activities and tasks, I either end up forgetting about them and thus end up not doing them, or I feel cognitively impaired to the point where doing those tasks is really hard and I start thinking it is pointless. The daily interval when I'm awake is shifted later than a normal chronotype, although it seems to drift periodically and then reset itself when I end up really tired.

Above all, thank you for telling me I'm not alone in this and that you understand. It makes me feel a little bit less like an alien visiting this planet.