Internal kids, toys and gratification delay

Our Idris is 5. Sometimes he reminds me of PTSD sufferers armed to the teeth, because he is very much into protective toys. He has a battle dinosaur who watches over us (arranged in strategic position before bedtime etc) and now he is infatuated with transformers too.

He has been ACHING for a Grimlock (a dinobot transformer - very fierce hehe) and we've been trying to delay gratification and explained money was tight this month and he could have it later in the summer.

Well, he took the news ok and seemed happy to wait but I find myself staring at grimlock product photos numerous times a day and Idris' want - no - NEED to have grimlock's protection felt so great it's left me in quite a state over the past few days.
So today I went and ordered the darn thing. Although money is tight this month we will be ok. So the financial implications aren't really of concern to me right now.

Some days I think of this as an impulse control issue. But then I find that it is not my impulse but Idris' and when I attempt to "control" it, delay gratification, I do so by cutting off his feelings from my awareness rather than addressing the vehemence of his want. He is quite capable of waiting for gratification, I just can't deal with his emotions while he does so.
In any case it seems counterproductive to actively dissociate his feelings when I am capable of keeping an awareness. But how do I deal?

How do you guys deal with your internal kids' material wishes (toys, etc)? Does the intensity of their emotions about that stuff also knock you for five?
Do you make attempts to teach them gratification delay? How do you avoid the emotional onslaught while they wait? Or I guess what I am asking really is: how do you NOT avoid it but get through it?

Because Idris has not been whining for that toy at all, it's just that I couldn't take those feelings any longer. I couldn't concentrate at work, couldn't relax in the evening. That grimlock figure really has taken over our life.

Any insight would be appreciated

Oh, it's so great to hear about something like this. I had a similar problem several months ago with Carter who's 6. These kids are old enough to know what they want but not how to control their desires emotionally.

For Carter, he wanted us to buy NicS, who has DID and lives with us, a nice bedroom suite. I had just gone through a lot of money and the cost was just not a wise financial move at that time. But he felt so bad that Nic was living on a futon on the floor, even though Nic chose it over the futon bed. But Nic had lived on his dad's floor (no futon) before moving here so it was too close.

Carter is just a little softy and has guilt about being a "rich" kid compared to other kids we knew who were poor. My family of origin was upwardly mobile but certainly not wealthy. But status, money, and culture -- or the opposite -- were huge things to our parents, and are reflected in our system. Both parents could be mean and judgmental, which we were determined not to be. So Carter's emotions about bringing Nic into our home (we quickly realized we could never send him back to his parents, who were monsters, so he was our family) meant that Nic had to have what we had -- NOW!

Like you I gave in fairly quickly. The only way to not feel his overwhelming emotions was to block him and I just cannot do that for long nor do I want to. It feels wrong and his emotions about all sorts of things will start to bleed through anywhere, like at work. And I cry like a child and, yeah, it's no good.

I do try to talk but these young alter's emotions aren't just simple desires. They're driven by a need to make things right from the past. Talking to a child that age, a hurt one, doesn't usually accomplish a turn around in a way an adult can be convinced. Plus Carter's emotions are my emotions, dissociated. So I try to incorporate them whenever I can. If he feels I'm being mean to Nic in some way, I have to listen. He's my little kindness barometer, with Faolan as his counterweight. It's a struggle.

I wish Idris great joy with his new protective and very fierce Grimlock. He sounds like a great little kid, taking his job seriously. I dare not look it up online or I might well trigger any of a dozen littles.

This may be atypical, but the kids are a priority in our system. They're usually allowed to get one thing they want every other paycheck. If it's something more expensive, then they have to save. This sort of schedule we have going helps them to be patient.

I guess what really caught our Odessa about this was that it was Idris' impulse but her "control issue". Less to do with control and more about emotional regulation if you ask me, but I guess the two are connected in any case. It sure brings home just how connected we are despite our separation.

Johnny-Jack your reply was really helpful, thanks. Good to know we're not alone in this. Carter sounds like a great kid too. Heart in the right place for sure.

pygmalion, I don't think it is atypical at all. In fact we've taken to misquoting a TV series called "Heroes" where they keep repeating "save the cheerleader, save the world".
To us it is "save the kids, save ourselves". But it sounds like you have a really good way of regulating your spending/treats. Your bi-paycheque gift giving is pretty much what we're aiming for.

The dinobot worked out rather well for Idris in the end. When you transform him from a dino to a robot his teeth turn into ornaments just where his ears should be. Idris used to be yelled at up close a lot so he is overjoyed that grimlock is impervious to such treatment.

Teatime

In fact we've taken to misquoting a TV series called "Heroes" where they keep repeating "save the cheerleader, save the world".
To us it is "save the kids, save ourselves".

I like this.

You're doing a great job with your little one - it's a reminder for me to try to connect with one of mine who is stuck/frozen - I like that dinobot - sounds very cool

Xoxo