Hi Jane,
niva wrote:Sonja's happiness is contagious to N I think, and I think to the ones who integrated before, but not to me 
. Aiden does this to her 
…
Aiden's faces are funny. I still don't get how he says he's emotionless when he makes those faces that are really funny.
It's ok if Sonja's happiness doesn't get to you. Sometimes people have a different kinds of happiness, and smile and laugh about different things.
niva wrote:Aiden and I understand that Sonja fears painful emotions, so when she's fronting one of us is likely to be pointing this out. I validate whatever emotion/event she is avoiding even though she doesn't want to acknowledge it. Aiden is more blunt about it, but Sonja doesn't get upset by him.
I hadn't thought about that. It actually makes me look at myself. Have you guys (Sonja and Jane) ever thought about feeling like the other one? I don't know what could come out of it... But maybe if each of you see through the glasses of the most unlike you, something might happen within yourselves.
niva wrote:I am trying to believe that children can't be bad. Our T said so too, and N, and ninchen. that I can't be bad. or wasn't bad. Maybe they made me bad? I don't remember being good. I don't remember being good 
. Older people know more than younger people and the people who hurt me and said I was bad were older.[*] Some of them just made me feel bad. Some of them said they loved me 
. I hated it I am so confused. I want to believe that the good people who don't hurt me are right.
it is hard to believe. I feel bad. I feel sick. Gross. Scared. I am tired
Older people "
should" know more than younger people. But that's not always the case. As a matter of fact many adults are lost, have forgotten to love, to care for the environment, and for families, to see humanity, too look into themselves. Many children on the contrary know about compassion, and don't see others as different races, or genders or religions. That doesn't mean that all adults are lost, but it means that adults can mess up too.
I don't understand why they said I love you. But that's not love. For me, they said those things to try to justify their acts, to make them see less wrong. And obviously it is confusing for you because that's what you associated with love. But love is not hurting, love is not obliging to do things you don't want to do.
Going through that, no wonder it is difficult to understand love. It's like deconstructing some of the things you learnt, and allowing yourself to feel something different.
I'm sorry you went through that. I'm sorry they were around you. But they are in the past, and they don't belong to your present, and you have N, and Sonja, and Aiden, and J in your present. And maybe other people too. Today, you've got me, I'm reading your story, and I'm talking to you.
What ever they might have done, doesn't define you, doesn't taint you. You are a beautiful being, a brave one, an awesome one.
niva wrote: [color=#008000]I read these and it makes sense..
I also think that when adults hurt others, those are their actions and their responsibility. And nothing justifies them hurting others.
They are older, they are more powerful, and and they should have respected and cared for little ones; not satisfying their own needs.
but I also think they know I'm' bad so that's why they hurt me..
What do you understand by being bad? Does any child you think is bad deserves what they did to you?
but then why did some of them say I love you to us? Why do they say that if we are bad or if they are hurting us?
I believe because they were trying to justify themselves, and to coerce you. If you thought they were "loving" you, then you wouldn't protest. Children are innocent, and tend to believe the best of people.
N and Cedar and ninchen and Sonja like nature. We were outside today. I was tired and too hot. I try to understand why they like it. THey like the baby leaves and the butterflies and stuff. They like walking and working and riding the bike. I just want to disappear. I hate the bike. I like hiding and being alone where nobody can get me. In the littles thread I made a fort with my imagination that had pillows.
You don't have to like nature. Not everyone does. Sometimes it can be tiring walking under the sun, or riding a bike. It's great that you tried to understand why others like it. For example, I don't like make up that much, but my sister does. Every now and then, I try to understand why she likes it so much. But we are different, and we can be. That's beautiful, we are diverse.
I might understand why you wanna hide and be alone. Sometimes I want that too. Sometimes, I don't feel like talking about my issues, or I don't feel like being happy, because I'm upset. And that's ok too. I take my time, and I stay by myself. And then, when I feel like it I connect again with the world. I try to understand why I'm feeling like that, and also try to see that I'm not the emotion, that I'm just feeling it, and it shall pass too.
I am afraid that I will hurt you by making you feel sad. Or that you will get sick of me and give up on me and be disgusted by me. N says to trust. She says that feeling trust comes after being brave and acting like you trust.
If I get sad, those are my emotions, and I'll be responsible for them. I've chosen to read your thread and to answer to them. If I get sad, it will not be your fault, but just a reaction, my reaction, my feelings.
If I run out of words, I'll tell you. But it won't be your fault either, it would be me not seeing any more paths to walk. And maybe someone else would find new words to walk a path with you. Or maybe you'll discover other paths you wanna walk. And maybe you'll share that with us.
I'm not demanding any thing from you. I do not want to put that weight on your shoulders. I'm just reading you, and talking to you. Not saying that I don't think you'll feel better. As a matter of fact by seeing you writing here I think you're walking that path on you own, because you wanted to. I just don't want you to feel pressure to feeling things or making things.
I value infinitely that you are sharing your words with me, with us; because it is your story, your fears, your pain. I value that you read what we respond to you.
I think that you are writing love words to me and N is saying love words to me and I am afraid to let it in. Love is safety? maybe I am too afraid. N feels a lot of love. And Sonja. And Cedar and ninchen did too.
I totally understand that you are afraid to let love in, you've been hurt in the past when they mentioned love. You don't have to let it in yet. Yes, love is safety, and it is normal to be afraid.
We miss J and our T too.
N is nice to me and Sonja is too and people on this forum are and I don't understand but I let them. I am trying to accept when people are nice.I am scared that I say something that is a lie that makes people think that I am good…
Do you think that missing someone could be a way of feeling love?
I'm glad N and Sonja are nice to you, I'm glad people in this forum are nice too. It's a great step to let them be nice. As a matter of fact letting them be nice is a step of trust.
I'll keep reading you Jane.
Sea
Taking myself some time away from PF. Sea (Dec, 2016)
and I have known you for much longer! You are precious to me sweetie. J is afraid of hurting us. She will leave us when she gets sicker because she doesn't want to see us suffer; it won't be your fault. She will leave because she loves us. I will stay as strong as I can to keep J around for us all.
to 
to 
to 
to 
because writing all this makes me feel embarrassed because I know that many people can read it and I am afraid that I am contagious. I am trying to be brave and I am sorry if I hurt anybody.
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