(Jane) *TW*

We have been with J and are sorry that we haven't responded for so long. I wanted to before but I couldn't think enough. I will try now. We have time and I am still fronting. I have been fronting a lot lately and it's not good because J doesn't like me. So now J is going back home and we are staying here. We cried like usual when we say goodbye because someday it will be the last time .

You say so many nice things to me it makes me want to cry

I think that love is safety maybe? I don't love J but N does. I want J to be here and to scratch my back and to tickle me. and to hold me. I want to hold her. She says she doesn't have a sex drive anymore which makes me glad because I don't like that stuff. But N is sad. But she still loves her.

What do you understand by being bad? Does any child you think is bad deserves what they did to you?

Everything makes sense if I am bad because then I deserve the bad things and it makes sense. It makes sense that I am sad all the time. it is bad to be sad. it makes good people sad too and I don't want that. I just want to disappear and go away and for somebody else to front. I think that everybody else is good, and nobody else deserves bad things..

I want for the sad feelings to pass. THey are like waves but it never stops hurting

Do you think that missing someone could be a way of feeling love?

I miss J. I don't feel good. I didn't feel good before though, when she was with us..Maybe it is like love. I don't know. I want her and need her but she doesn't love me back I don't think. I am not very loveable. It is hard to love somebody who is always sad but I can't help it.

N has things to say but she can't think now because I am fronting and she is too far away. I will try to talk for her. she says that Aiden's reaction to us being emotional makes her wonder if that's a feeling on his part. Also, Sonja is maybe disappearing she is never around anymore, not for months, not even when she normally would front. I don't understand Why does she have to leave? I want her to come back. N says that maybe because niva is gone Sonja is not triggered so much? I want to see the world like Sonja… I wish she could teach me how to before she is gone. Maybe she is already gone .

Hi Jane,

It's good to read you again. Sounds like things are hard and you are really sad. You said you are not sure that J doesn't love you. I was just wondering if maybe you haven't given her the chance because you are so sad you can't think of anything else but how it goes bad. I don't know. Just thinking.

I miss Sonja's yellow words.

Iain

Hi Iain. J cares when I am hurt or sad and she feels bad and it's not her fault, it's mine.She loves us less and less the more I front . And then she wants to be alone… N is far away right now because J wouldn't let me lie about a very big secret to her mom, that we used to have AN. N is very afraid of losing J… I shouldn't talk about N. She can talk for herself later when she comes back. I miss Sonja's yellow words too! . I want N to come back at least and to help me please what if she goes away like Sonja and ninchen and everyone else??? I can't live by myself anymore I should not have let myself want or need other people . Aiden is right. But I don't know how to take care of myself I need N or somebody and I hate to feel so needy and lonely!

Hi Jane,

I'm glad you are writing. It's important and you get to not be alone. Sounds like your system is changing alot. That can be really scary. When you are young it is natural to feel scared when you don't feel taken care of. That doesnt make you bad just human. We're not adults. That's ok. So how are you going to get taken care of? That's important. Who can you talk to?

Sonja.. I miss your yellow words. Please write some more ok?
N... please help me help Jane. Thankyou.

Your friend,

Iain

Trigger Warning

Hello dear Jane,
I have been reading everything you say, and I am so proud of the way you are reaching out to others! I am a Mommy, I have 3 children. They are jj, he is 19 years old now, mj is 16, and then my girl, dj, she is turning 10 in just a few days. So you can see that I have spent a lot of time with children and teenagers! I have helped them understand their feelings as they grow up, so I thought maybe I could help you, too. (Warning, this got long!)
Did you know that all children are born innocent? Do you know what that means? When you look it up in the dictionary, it says this:

in·no·cent adjective \ˈi-nə-sənt\

: not guilty of a crime or any other wrong act

: not deserving to be harmed

: lacking experience with the world and the bad things that happen in life

You, my dear little one, started out innocent. You never did anything wrong or bad, you did not deserve to be harmed... and bad things were not supposed to happen to you.
The only thing that went wrong is that some big mean bully probably messed that up by being mean or bad to you.
You didn't even do anything bad or wrong! You were just 100% innocent and happy and good and loved... and then somehow somebody harmed you, and that was a very, very bad experience. That bad person stole your innocence away from you by making you experience something bad, and stealing is very bad and wrong, and it hurt you. You have been hurt so badly that you feel the pain intensely, every day... and that hurting is what makes you feel so bad.
You see... you are not bad... but you are hurting really bad. There is a difference.
I think you are starting to understand that these mean bullies only do these bad things because they are sick. It's like when someone is sick with a cold, and they get a runny nose... the runny nose is just a symptom of having the cold germs. The bad things these people do are a symptom of their sickness.
Now I will tell you another secret. Do you know who these sick bullies look for to be mean to?
Do you think they look for big, tough, strong people, or innocent little ones?
They look for innocent little ones. Why? Because someone big and strong would beat them up, and they don't want to get beat up! They want to be the one who beats up somebody else... so they look for little ones.
Do you think they look for good little ones, or bad little ones???
You might be surprised to find out that these sick bullies look for the good little ones! Why? Because the bad littles would punch them right in the nose and then step on their toes and then run away and call the police and tell on them! But the good littles do what they are told, and don't tattle-tell, so it is easy for the bullies to be mean again and again without going to jail.
The worst part is that these bad bully grownups also tell lies, and grownups are not supposed to tell lies. They say things like, that they love you, but it's just a lie to trick you.
If they told the truth that they they were going to hurt you very badly, you would probably scream and run away, right!?! So they tell very tricky lies ~ they say things grownups are supposed to say when they love you, but with their sickness it is all just lies so they can trick you into being their victim.
And just when you think it can't get any worse, then they make you feel like it is your fault, so they won't have to take responsibility for it. Do you know what I mean? They know what they are doing is wrong and they could go to jail for it, but to keep out of jail they lie & trick you because they know that you don't know the laws. And they make you too scared to get help. They make you feel like these bad things happened to you because you are bad, but now you know from what I have told you, that is not true. You are not bad. You are good. It is just not fair to you!
You said in your post that "Older people know more than younger people and the people who hurt me and said I was bad were older." You are right... they are older and one of the things they know is how to be tricky and how to lie to get others to do what they want. They are sick and controlling and manipulative.
This is a lot to understand, and it's important to know that when we start understanding new things, sometimes our feelings don't catch up as fast as our mind does. Our feelings kind of get stuck in the old way they used to be. These types of feelings don't change over night, they change very slowly... like a flower growing. You can't see it grow when you look at it, but every day it get's taller and taller. You are changing and maturing slowly like that flower too... it's called "blossoming." You are doing more than before, like sharing here, or fronting a lot more. And if you just give it time ~ I'll bet your feelings will gradually change and start to get a little better.
You are very endearing, and I am glad to see that you working through these things even though they are very difficult to go through. Keep up the good work!

You people make me want to cry because you're so nice and I don't understand..

So how are you going to get taken care of? That's important. Who can you talk to?

I don't know. I don't want to bother anybody. But I am bothering you people and it is maybe helping me? N is far away, staring at nothing. When she is talking and thinking then I can't think and when I am thinking she is not. It's not like the co-consciousness where she could help me. She's not good right now. Maybe I am doing better than her even… She will be OK.I hope.. I don't trust anybody but you people have no faces and voices, just words. It's easier. I don't have to talk but you are still hearing me. I am glad that N told me to write and that nobody is mad at me yet.

crackerjack, N read your post to me yesterday and I have been thinking very hard about it and what you wrote makes sense to me and I am trying very hard to understand and I am hoping that my feelings will change… but I am afraid that was if J is a bully? How do I know? She says she loves us but we feel hurt and sad and what is normal and what is bad? J isa grownup. but so are you.. Aiden says to not trust and to stay alone. N says to trust but J broke her trust and hurt her and she is very sad . Everyone who hurt us we thought was good and we think J is good and you people are good too and I am confused
Am I still innocent if the bad people stole it away or am I bad now?

These are very good questions and you are doing a good job working on understanding.
Don't worry, it just takes patience because understanding doesn't always come fast, sometimes it comes slowly.
I have good news ~ you are not bad now! It doesn't make you bad that someone took your innocence, it is different than good or bad. I shouldn't have said the word "stole" because it sounded kind of scary. Let's just say your innocence was lost. Here is what I mean:
Remember, innocent means not guilty ( meaning not your fault ), not deserving to be hurt, and not knowing about bad things.
Losing your innocence just means it wasn't your fault, that somebody did hurt you, and now you know about bad things.
You see, that doesn't mean bad, it just means "knowing that bad things exist."
Other littles that have not been hurt or lied to don't know those bad things exist. If they have never been hurt or scared like that, they don't even know what it feels like to be so sad and feel as bad as you do. The innocent littles are free to laugh and play and be happy almost all the time because they don't even know that there is anything bad to be afraid of!
Now, this is important: Losing our innocence is not a bad thing honey, we ALL lose our innocence as we grow up! It is part of life! We start seeing and hearing and learning things we never knew about before, and usually our innocence changes gradually ~ a little bit at a time ~ as we grow up and mature. When things happen slowly we learn how to handle them a little bit at a time, as we get older, but it still takes time to understand.
When bad things happen to littles, then they know about bad things all at once, really fast, when they are too young to understand it. That is what you feel so confused and so bad... because littles aren't supposed to know how to understand these things. You weren't supposed to learn about it until you were older. So it is only natural to feel very confused!
But we all know that accidents happen... sickness happens... things aren't always the way they are "supposed to be." You are just maturing faster now because you know about things, and it is natural to be confused when we have to mature fast. I promise, things will slowly become less confusing with time!

Some of your questions are a bit harder to answer.

niva wrote:… but I am afraid that was if J is a bully? How do I know? She says she loves us but we feel hurt and sad and what is normal and what is bad? J isa grownup. but so are you.. Aiden says to not trust and to stay alone. N says to trust but J broke her trust and hurt her and she is very sad . Everyone who hurt us we thought was good and we think J is good and you people are good too and I am confused

I cannot give you answers to these questions because I do not know J, but there is something I can tell you that might help you not feel so alone.
You're not the only one who doesn't know who they can trust or who might be lying to them. And it's not even because you are little. Nobody knows who they can trust or who is lying, not even grown ups!
Sometimes we fall in love with someone who doesn't treat us very nicely, but we can't seem to stop loving them.
Sometimes we love somebody very much and they break up with us or leave us, and we can't understand why.
All kinds of things happen to all kinds of people, and we all get confused sometimes. We all act badly sometimes. We all get sad and feel bad sometimes. Even grownups. That is all normal part of life! We just have to go through one day at a time until we learn who we can trust.
Aiden is trying to help when he says stay alone, but we wouldn't want to stay alone forever, would we? That would be too lonely. So what we do is just be careful, and try to love others and let them love us, but try to guard ourselves from getting hurt. It is hard for all of us, we just do the best we can, just like you!
J is probably very confused right now and very emotional, and that makes people act strange and different sometimes. But that is not your fault. It doesn't mean J hates you. Maybe J is just dealing with J's own thoughts and feelings right now. So it is ok to just let J have a little space sometimes.

Hi Jane!!

I'm glad to read you again. I read you the day you wrote, but had been with little time to give a thoughtful answer, that I only answer until today.

Don't rush about writing back. You're going through many things, so take your time.

I think I understand why you front a lot these days, it make sense given the situation you're going through. I'm sorry one day it'll be the last time you all see J, I hope you get to enjoy her, for the time you have with her.

niva wrote:You say so many nice things to me it makes me want to cry

This is a nice feeling. I've felt like that, when I feel cared and protected by a friend.

niva wrote:I think that love is safety maybe? I don't love J but N does. I want J to be here and to scratch my back and to tickle me. and to hold me. I want to hold her. She says she doesn't have a sex drive anymore which makes me glad because I don't like that stuff. But N is sad. But she still loves her.

You reminded me of letters of children to their moms, even to letters my brother and sister wrote to our mom me when they were little: "I love you because you make a sandwich when I'm hungry". It's very nice to be hold and to have your back scratched, and to be tickled (a little, haha, not too much).

niva wrote:

What do you understand by being bad? Does any child you think is bad deserves what they did to you?

Everything makes sense if I am bad because then I deserve the bad things and it makes sense. It makes sense that I am sad all the time. it is bad to be sad. it makes good people sad too and I don't want that. I just want to disappear and go away and for somebody else to front. I think that everybody else is good, and nobody else deserves bad things..

I want for the sad feelings to pass. They are like waves but it never stops hurting

Oh, Sweetie, it's not bad to be sad, it's just normal. If you were hurt, you're sad. Maybe as a society we put too much efforts on "good" feelings and "bad" feelings. And we try to avoid bad ones, but they are there for a reason. They can teach you things, they can protect you from things, they can make you see the world in a different way. For example, pain can protect you from a very bad situation like burning your skin. So, if you feel nothing, how can you protect yourself?

And yeah, they are like waves, but I think the more you can process it, the more you can feel and understand your sadness, in safe ways, the less it will hurt with time. Maybe it will never stop hurting all together, but you'll find ways to understand your sadness, and to be kind with you because you have reason to feel that way.

niva wrote:I miss J. I don't feel good. I didn't feel good before though, when she was with us..Maybe it is like love. I don't know. I want her and need her but she doesn't love me back I don't think. I am not very loveable. It is hard to love somebody who is always sad but I can't help it.

YOU ARE LOVABLE! Maybe one day, you'll know you are.

My mother gets exasperated when I'm sad, and I know why, she has her own reasons. So, what I try to do, is having good times with her, and whenever I feel sad, I allow myself to feel it, without having her around. And then I come back to talk to her.

niva wrote:N has things to say but she can't think now because I am fronting and she is too far away. I will try to talk for her. she says that Aiden's reaction to us being emotional makes her wonder if that's a feeling on his part. Also, Sonja is maybe disappearing she is never around anymore, not for months, not even when she normally would front. I don't understand Why does she have to leave? I want her to come back. N says that maybe because niva is gone Sonja is not triggered so much? I want to see the world like Sonja… I wish she could teach me how to before she is gone. Maybe she is already gone .

I thought that this comment of N about Aiden is brilliant. It may be just like that. His reaction might be a feeling on his part, a protective one, a balancing one.

About Sonja, I don't think she's gone. Maybe the situation you guys are going through is so hard that is difficult for that part of you to be out.

I wanna share something with you guys, that I thought when I read it:

When I dated Gatsby (a guy a felt in love who has DID), I didn't want to go out with other friends, I didn't feel like partying, or celebrating, like drinking or laughing with them. Just very recently we did a surprise party for a friend, and felt again that joy for a group activity with a friend. So for months I didn't feel that part of me. ok, I don't have DID, so I don't know exactly how you guys feel, but I could relate in a way with Sonja, and me being able to feel simple joy again.

Have you guys had time to take care of yourselves, and do something nice for you so that Sonja may feel ok to front? Maybe a movie she likes, or maybe eating something she likes. Or maybe a funny movie, in which you can laugh? I did this, and it help me through a rough break up I had.

Anyhow, it's normal that Sonja doesn't front that much because of the situation you're all going through. Like Iain says, I also miss Sonja's Yellow words.

Sonja can definitely teach you how she sees the world. I'm glad you're thinking that way, Sonja will help, she sounds the kind of girl who would definitely be there for you.

niva wrote:J cares when I am hurt or sad and she feels bad and it's not her fault, it's mine.She loves us less and less the more I front .

This is a tough one. It's very beautiful that you care for how she's feeling, but I think that each person is responsible for their own feelings, and we are also responsible for our actions. It's a hard work to be responsible for our feelings, but they are ours. So, she feels bad, because she doesn't want to cause you pain, but that's just life, and we cannot not feel; or better said: we feel. And I remember moments where I've felt really sad, and hurt, but I wouldn't want to leave, or not to be there for the person I love.

niva wrote:And then she wants to be alone… N is far away right now because J wouldn't let me lie about a very big secret to her mom, that we used to have AN. N is very afraid of losing J… I shouldn't talk about N. She can talk for herself later when she comes back.

I'm not sure about what "AN" means, but it is completely normal what J is feeling. I'm sending her peace.

niva wrote:I miss Sonja's yellow words too! . I want N to come back at least and to help me please what if she goes away like Sonja and ninchen and everyone else??? I can't live by myself anymore I should not have let myself want or need other people . Aiden is right. But I don't know how to take care of myself I need N or somebody and I hate to feel so needy and lonely!

They won't leave, they will always be with you, you're all a team, you'll always be for one another. We all need other people. We might be lured to the idea of not wanting or needing anyone else, to be independent, and self sufficient. However, we are profoundly interconnected to one another, and that is beautiful. From the more external issues as food and clothing, to the more internal ones as nurture. It's esencial for our existence. Try not to be so harsh on you. You can learn to take care of things you wanna take her with Aiden's and N's help. Processes take time.

Ha! I was about to send it, when I saw the other post that I also wanted to answer. I went to pick up my bro at the airport, and now I'm back again.

niva wrote:You people make me want to cry because you're so nice and I don't understand..

Maybe somethings are just not to be understood.

niva wrote:I don't know. I don't want to bother anybody. But I am bothering you people and it is maybe helping me? N is far away, staring at nothing. When she is talking and thinking then I can't think and when I am thinking she is not. It's not like the co-consciousness where she could help me. She's not good right now. Maybe I am doing better than her even… She will be OK.I hope.. I don't trust anybody but you people have no faces and voices, just words. It's easier. I don't have to talk but you are still hearing me. I am glad that N told me to write and that nobody is mad at me yet.

I'm glad you're writing here, I'm glad the way you're feeling.

niva wrote:crackerjack, N read your post to me yesterday and I have been thinking very hard about it and what you wrote makes sense to me and I am trying very hard to understand and I am hoping that my feelings will change… but I am afraid that was if J is a bully? How do I know? She says she loves us but we feel hurt and sad and what is normal and what is bad? J isa grownup. but so are you.. Aiden says to not trust and to stay alone. N says to trust but J broke her trust and hurt her and she is very sad . Everyone who hurt us we thought was good and we think J is good and you people are good too and I am confused

You're questions are very logical. How can you know if J is a bully? Humm, well maybe because of the time that has passed and the things she's done. So far, she hasn't bullied you guys, so maybe that's how you can know.

You ask: "what is normal and what is bad?". Humm, who knows? How can we compare how we feel, from what others feel, if what we had gone through is different?

When you mentioned that J broke N's trust, I thought about when my actions have hurt people I love, or when the actions of people I love have hurt me. I thought that I could say that I would never hurt someone I love. But in reality I've seen that some people feel hurt by some of my actions, and still yet I wouldn't have changed my actions. So, what I try to do, is to think thoroughly my actions, and try to accept it's consequences. Maybe, it's just our humanity, our imperfection. There are situations which I don't want to put myself in, when I've been hurt. So, to trust or not to trust, would be a decision you make, and maybe would change from situation to situation, or from person to person. And you'll learn to make better decisions. Some times you'll feel hurt, and that would help you prevent future deceit. Sometimes you'll feel surprised about the nice feeling of giving opportunities and being good rewarded for it.

niva wrote:Am I still innocent if the bad people stole it away or am I bad now?

Oh, Sweetheart, I believe that no one can steel that from you. No one has the power to steal what can't be robbed. You are still innocent. I just looked it up: "Uncorrupted by evil, malice, or wrongdoing; sinless". Sweetie, they cannot turned you into something bad. You're uncorrupted, so... find it in yourself, because you are innocent.

I'm sending a safe hug to you, to N, and to Aiden if you all want it. I'm glad to read you, I'm glad the process you're going through. It's not easy, and you've been very brave, and you're doing a tough job, and still keep on going.

I feel very proud of you.

Sea

Guess what?! Well it's obvious now, haha: I'm still here!!! Or at least I'm back for now I don't know why I've been gone so much lately… I don't know why I'm back now! It doesn't matter why; it's just good to be out again!!! . I want to DO something though. We just went to bed and now we're supposed to sleep?!?? What if I'm not the one to wake up tomorrow and this is my only chance?? I want to colour!!! HI EVERYBODY!!!

I just want to say that I talked with J last night and am feeling better, less fearful and insecure.

AN = anorexia nervosa. We told everybody that it was a physical 'malabsorption' disorder when we were sick. Having the AN be a secret was always extremely important to all of us. It still is even though we're healthy and recovered now.

It's nice to know that Sonja's still around! I knew there was a reason why I didn't mark her as 'integrated'!

It is pretty obvious why Sonja's fronting now. J wants 'N' to be happy.

Yeah, J likes me

But she's not even here! She's six hours away!

If Sonja fronting is best for J, or us, then why is she never fronting lately? Too bad we can't be in control of who is fronting…