(Jane) *TW*

SONJA!!! I'm very glad you're back. Welcome back.

Glad to read you all.

I know who else is gonna be glad to read those yellow words.

Safe hugs you guys. Glad you're feeling better N. Glad you're as logical as always Aiden.

I actually think that more than for J, Sonja is back for you guys.

Sea

Hi Sonja!!!!!

You're back!! Thats so great! I have missed you and your yellow words I hope you can do some coloring. Thank you for making my day better!!!!

Aiden it's good to hear from you too. I don't know you very well but I would like to hear more. You sound very practical. I bet I could learn from you.

Jane I hope things are going better. I alway think of you and how brave you are. I hope having Sonja back will help. I hope lots of good things for you.

Niva I read read your words to Jane and you are a super host! Wow! You are filled with love and care. I am sorry you are sad now about J. I wish I knew what to say to make it better.

Iain

Hi…

I want to say thank you to everybody who has been helping me understand and is always so nice to me.. I think I am understanding more and am less confused. I want to feel better…

I don't know if I will ever be able to trust anybody. Not even J. Even if she says she loves me. I don't love her.. I want her to be here though and I miss her and I need her . N says that the only way to trust is to do it and the trust comes after but I am scared and don't believe her. She wasn't hurt like me and she doesn't understand. I am protecting myself. She will be more hurt maybe when J dies or leaves us because she doesn't let herself think or feel about it. it is like I am practising. I am used to it, to feeling hurt and sad…
I don't think that J is a bully but I know that she will hurt us even if she doesn't mean to…

Aiden wants me to stay alone forever. He never feels lonely! N doesn't want me to stay alone forever. She wants me to trust. I don't think I am strong enough. I will try to hope to feel better and to try to understand that I am not bad even if I feel bad all the time. I am tired.. trying makes me tired. But I am not so confused like before so sometimes it is easier to think and that is good… N used to have anhedonia before for a long long time and now she doesn't so maybe it is possible for me too?

Thank you for calling me brave I am trying to be brave!

Niva I read read your words to Jane and you are a super host! Wow! You are filled with love and care. I am sorry you are sad now about J. I wish I knew what to say to make it better.

niva made our profile before she integrated. You were referring to N. She appreciates your words.

-- Thu Aug 21, 2014 8:25 am --

I want to say that I asked to stop being called Jane because that's not my name. N called me that because she didn't have a name for me and I didn't talk to her before. Like 'jane doe' or 'plain jane'. But I talk to her now and I am little n and she is big N.

So I am trusting N and Aiden because I am talking to them when I never did before! Before I just cried… And that means I am trusting you people too because I am writing to you!

And I talked to our T! for a few hours a few times! And he was nice to me like you guys are to me!
… So I can trust!?

It is harder to trust in real life. It was easier with our T because I watched N and niva and ninchen and Sonja talk to him first for a few years. And because of that confidentiality word where he had to promise us to keep everything a secret from everybody else outside the room…

Hey little n,

You're not anymore a Jane Doe or a plain Jane, you are little n.

I'm glad you're less and less confused each time.

niva wrote:N says that the only way to trust is to do it and the trust comes after but I am scared and don't believe her.

Hummm, I haven't thought it that way, but I guess she's right.

niva wrote:She wasn't hurt like me and she doesn't understand. I am protecting myself.

It's hard to trust after being hurt. I think it's an act of bravery; that's why you're brave. As a matter of fact it's very healthy to protect yourself after being hurt.

niva wrote:I am used to it, to feeling hurt and sad…
I don't think that J is a bully but I know that she will hurt us even if she doesn't mean to…

Understanding this, for me it's like understanding a little bit about life. Other people's actions might hurt us, and in spite of that we decide to live things with them; because other people's actions might bring us happiness as well.

I'm glad to sense a different feeling in you writing. It's not full of , remember? Not that it is wrong, it's ok, it's just changing. Now, I feel your bravery, I feel your changes, I feel your hope.

Sea

I'm glad to sense a different feeling in you writing. It's not full of , remember? Not that it is wrong, it's ok, it's just changing. Now, I feel your bravery, I feel your changes, I feel your hope.

Yeah. I feel changes too! And I was brave again - I was fronting because N couldn't and Aiden doesn't want to and I told J that it was me and not N and she was nice to me. We made nachos (N doesn't want to eat but I was hungry!) and I found out that I don't like jalapeños or the smelly stuff that N likes. I can smile now too. It is not a happy smile. it is a embarrassed pretending smile but I couldn't smile at all before so maybe I will feel the smile some day… I didn't lie to J with words though, only with my face so she wouldn't worry. I told her about feeling bad and not loving her and feeling safe with her and stuff. They aren't doing the sex stuff anymore! So I want to be fronting now. But after a while J wanted N to come back. They love each other. N can't pretend to be happy right now, but I can. N is so sad it is scary. I'm glad I never loved J because I don't want my heart to hurt like N's does. I miss J. She is in Japan now.