Getting Evaluated

I'm going to a program nearby that specializes in trauma tomorrow, if I can work up the nerve. I don't think I'll be admitted inpatient, but hopefully they'll consider me for partial hospitalization. I've heard so-so reviews about the actual hospital, but since trauma and dissociation are an area of specialization for them, they'll be able to tell me how legitimate my symptoms are.

I'm in a weird place, mentally. Mood-wise, I'm ok, but I tend to swing back and forth between that and depression, so I don't know how much longer I'll be feeling that way. My pure-O OCD symptoms had a spike on my way back home yesterday. I hate that disorder so much. I get terrible intrusive thoughts about sexual abuse, even though I was never sexually abused. My meds mostly take care of it, but sometimes a random trigger will bring back an attack and I'll get nearly suicidal. I'm all right now, though they haven't gone completely away. I'm a little afraid that I won't be able to convince the program that it's just OCD and that I'm not actually dangerous, but that's probably just the disorder talking again. Ick.

I hope I'll be able to accurately describe my symptoms of dissociation -- sometimes it's hard to remember all of them or successfully describe them. It's also INCREDIBLY hard for me to talk about because I'm afraid of them thinking that I'm lying. I'll update again tomorrow with whatever happens, whether it's partial hospitalization or me chickening out. If I don't update, then presume that they've taken me inpatient, though I really don't think that's gonna happen.

I know I'm a total newbie here, but I appreciate any and all support.

Pocket riding if ok with you. Blessings and support.

Good luck!

The trauma program staff should be very familiar with the intrusive obsessive thoughts and suicidal symptoms you describe, and know what to do to help you; those are really common.

I have a lot of trouble even remembering the most significant material during therapy sessions, much less mentioning it. So I often make written notes, sometimes nothing more than a list of single words, to help me remember.

Sitting here in the waiting room...had a long and annoying trip with public transportation. I keep wanting to bolt because I feel like I don't belong here, but if that's the case, the doctor will say so during the evaluation.

Waiting still sucks, though. I'm having anxiety, but only mild depersonalization that comes and goes, so that's good.

Ok, so the experience wasn't horrible. I had to wait a very long time, and I was pretty anxious -- both my general and OCD symptoms were going CRAZY in the waiting room. :/ I had a bit of what I call "fast-forward" time. It's not lost, since I don't have a total blank and I don't find stuff I've done or anything, but I'll sometimes look up at the clock and see that it's been an hour when I feel like it's only been twenty minutes. Not too serious, and on the whole, I wasn't very dissociated during the process. Didn't hear any of my head-voices either, which is strange, since I did bring them up. There was one time during the intake interview that I just completely, totally forgot what I was talking about for a few seconds. Like, the train of thought was just GONE. But I got back on track eventually.

It was so weird, though. Whenever I go in for treatment, my symptoms vanish almost completely. I had to talk about having anxiety, depression, and bring up the head-voices, all while I felt as stable as a rock. This is why screening tools help me a lot, because I can mark down what I have been feeling before. Unfortunately, the interview was only assessment for treatment, so they didn't use screening tools. Maybe they will when I start the program.

I still feel a little invalidated, unfortunately. She asked if I had experienced abuse in the past, and I had to give my spiel about my father being rageful and controlling without being stereotypically abusive. I know I didn't appear upset by it because of my "emergency stability", but she ended up admitting me to the general program instead of the trauma program. She did ask me to clarify which one, but she said she assumed general because I didn't describe any "significant traumas." She didn't mean it meanly -- in most circumstances, it's a good thing to not have significant traumas! But I have years and years of living with a dysfunctional father and enabling mother, with bullying and a terrifying car crash on the side. I just wish people would be like "yes, these experiences were bad" instead of "good, you don't have any traumas!" Like, I know they're not traumatic compared to others, but for some reason, I'm not being resilient about them.

I didn't get to talk about dissociative symptoms other than the head-voices at all. They'll probably get brushed under the rug too, as they have been in the past. I hate the process of trying to get help for them. I hate that they're there in the first place, when I don't have an explanation for them. I feel like I'm lying whenever I try to describe dissociation. I really, really hope that over the next few weeks I can bring it up again, but it'll be harder now that I've been invalidated on that front once again.

To be fair, if professionals don't think I'm dissociative, then I'm in no position to argue! I do half-suspect that I'm making this whole thing up. I'd just like to know what the symptoms I have are and how to treat them. I'll keep this thread updated with how things go.

(Ugh. I kinda feel fine, but I feel like there's a storm of negative emotions somewhere in me too. I may have to rant later. Dunno.)

(Also: instead of paying for the treatment program that I wanted, my dad got a new car and a fancy apartment. Angry, but I can't tell him. Getting into a fight with him is never worth it.)

That's great. Now you have got a foot in the door. One step at a time.

Being placed in a general program does not mean you have no trauma, only that you presented on intake with less trauma compared to some other clients in their recent intake. A program has only so much capacity.

Yeah. I'll probably just stay in this program unless they recommend I change, though. Most of the fallout of the familial stuff is in my attitudes and habits, after all. I only get flashbacks in cars, since I had a bad car accident. And they only really affect me for a few minutes at most. It makes driving a pain, but I can deal.

I started the program today. It was kind of a wild ride. At first, I felt totally fine. Like, scarily fine. I was able to discuss things like self-harm and a past overdose with no trouble at all. Then lunch hit and I started to feel sad and anxious. I felt like no one liked me. I also felt like I wanted a more personal and varied approach to therapy than six hours of the same group. I've been told that I'll see a one on one therapist twice a week, but others don't sound like they've done a whole lot of work on their own. I felt better by the end. I just hate going from fine to not fine and back so fast. It makes treatment so confusing.

Head-voices have been chatty today. Not so much during the day, but after. I got a bit snappy again with them, unfortunately...I can sometimes take my frustration at not being treated for dissociation out on them. Working on it.

The OCD is dying down, too. As long as I stay on my meds and keep distracted, it's only mildly annoying. I feel spacey, though. Might just be from being tired, but it's hard to write coherently, and while I'm not LOSING time, things and memories have been super non-specific and generic today. Might try to explain more later, after I eat.

You might be losing time. I didn't initially realise that if I needed another alter to show me (via internal photograph-like images) what I'd been doing yesterday (or for the last hour, or even just the last few minutes) then it was because *I* didn't *remember* because *I* wasn't there! I wasn't aware another alter was showing me the images, I only knew that the images occurred. I thought those "general summaries" of periods of time were my memories. X

OCD is so bad today. I'm coming down off a huge spike and trying to distract myself so that I stop obsessing. I'd go to the OCD forum to talk about it, but that's a very triggering place for me. Blergh.

Anyway, it turns out that I don't get to see a therapist unless I get transferred to the trauma group. And considering that the people in administration don't believe my experiences constitute abuse, that's probably not gonna happen. Idk what I should do. I want to process some stuff, and that's kinda why I went to this place, but it looks like that's not gonna happen.

When I initially got assessed, I had written a letter saying everything that I wanted to say about symptoms (without going into it in more detail than I was comfortable with). It helped heaps to have a letter that I could just hand over seeing as I was feeling ok at the appointment and didn't really remember what concerns I had actually wanted to talk about... Maybe some notes or a letter or something could help you when you are starting out with an initial assessment also.

It is quite helpful to have an individual therapist. I'm not sure what groups are like though... What do you think you will do now that you know you won't get to see an individual therapist?