Getting Evaluated

I'd really like for someone to see my DES or even MID results, but generally, they don't ask or care about dissociation unless you report severe physical or sexual trauma, which I don't have. And because I don't have it, I don't think I have DID. I just want my symptoms evaluated, you know?

I don't know what I'll do, really. I've made friends in the group, and I don't necessarily want to stop going. I guess I could see a therapist on the side. I know that the trauma program people see a therapist twice a week or so. But I'm almost certain they won't let me in there. Nothing against them -- if they don't think I'd belong in there, I don't want to intrude.

Discovered today that I have at least one repressed memory...

(tw: rage, violence)

My family took a trip to a lake when I was in second grade. I have snapshots from this trip, but I never connected them to the lake. I also thought that I must have been five or younger, because the memories feel blurry and indistinct, like really early memories do. Anyway, there's something about a boat ride and my dad losing his wallet. Now, for my dad, this is a TRAGEDY. He would have screamed and yelled, possibly broke things too. Since I was seven, and this was a vacation, I feel like I should remember this. Hell, my sister remembers it, and she was five at the time. But I just don't! I wasn't even aware of the story until my family brought it up a few years ago. It's possible I just forgot it naturally, I suppose. I'm just concerned because this is a case where I seemed to have amnesia for amnesia. And I remembered others aspects about the trip -- so why wouldn't I remember my dad throwing a fit? Repression seems like a possible answer, but I'm hesitant to say so, 'cause I don't want to convince myself that I was traumatized if I wasn't.

What's the difference between remembering something naturally, and recovering a repressed memory? In high school, I suddenly remembered some boundary crossing that my dad had done when I was little. Non-sexual boundary crossing, but boundary crossing all the same, in the vein of invading my personal space. Did I repress that, or had it been there all along and I'd just not had cause to think about it? And does it mean I have PTSD if I repressed unhappy memories?

Ugh. So confusing. I don't want to make a mountain out of a mole hill, but this is troubling me.

nonchalant wrote:Discovered today that I have at least one repressed memory...

(tw: rage, violence)

My family took a trip to a lake when I was in second grade. I have snapshots from this trip, but I never connected them to the lake. I also thought that I must have been five or younger, because the memories feel blurry and indistinct, like really early memories do. Anyway, there's something about a boat ride and my dad losing his wallet. Now, for my dad, this is a TRAGEDY. He would have screamed and yelled, possibly broke things too. Since I was seven, and this was a vacation, I feel like I should remember this. Hell, my sister remembers it, and she was five at the time. But I just don't! I wasn't even aware of the story until my family brought it up a few years ago. It's possible I just forgot it naturally, I suppose. I'm just concerned because this is a case where I seemed to have amnesia for amnesia. And I remembered others aspects about the trip -- so why wouldn't I remember my dad throwing a fit? Repression seems like a possible answer, but I'm hesitant to say so, 'cause I don't want to convince myself that I was traumatized if I wasn't.

What's the difference between remembering something naturally, and recovering a repressed memory? In high school, I suddenly remembered some boundary crossing that my dad had done when I was little. Non-sexual boundary crossing, but boundary crossing all the same, in the vein of invading my personal space. Did I repress that, or had it been there all along and I'd just not had cause to think about it? And does it mean I have PTSD if I repressed unhappy memories?

Ugh. So confusing. I don't want to make a mountain out of a mole hill, but this is troubling me.

I can't answer you questions. I am sorry for that.
But try not to focus on the diagnosis so much. I know it's hard. I do the same thug. I become almost obsessive over it.

But what I've found is that pushing at something to come forward, if there is indeed repression happening, will only cause it to be more blurry. And isms tones if you push yourself to remember when you're not ready you mind not be able to handle what you find out. Our minds are wonderful and powerful things and are constantly leaning toward self-preservation. So in time , when your mind feels you are strong enough it will allow you to remember. That is if you do have repressed things. I'm not saying that you do or do not because I can't know that. But know that I support you and care

Also, my dad was severely inappropriate with me and boundary crossing. If you want to talk about it, I'm here. It's very upsetting and damaging. Granted there was a lot of other factors to this of course. But yeah, I'm here for you if you want to PM.

Oh, I should clarify that I wasn't really asking for a diagnosis! I know no one here can answer that -- I was more just asking rhetorical questions to myself as a venting mechanism. Sorry it came across as demanding a diagnosis.

But thank you very much for the offer. I did notice that the memories became more blurry the more I tried to remember them. It's just disconcerting to not know why I don't remember. There are plenty of rage incidents of my father's that I do remember, after all.

nonchalant wrote:Oh, I should clarify that I wasn't really asking for a diagnosis! I know no one here can answer that -- I was more just asking rhetorical questions to myself as a venting mechanism. Sorry it came across as demanding a diagnosis.

But thank you very much for the offer. I did notice that the memories became more blurry the more I tried to remember them. It's just disconcerting to not know why I don't remember. There are plenty of rage incidents of my father's that I do remember, after all.

Yeah I understand that. I didn't think your were demanding at all. You're perfectly fine.
And you're welcome. I find it difficult to talk to so much about this as it seems not too many people know what I am talking about in terms to the stuff my father did. But you might. I'd like to help if possible and if you'd like it. But if not I understand and respect that.
Your feelings and emotions are valid.
Blessings.

Now that I've divulged more of my childhood in normal group, I may try and get moved to the trauma program. I just need to verify if PTSD is a requirement for admission. I have aspects of PTSD, and I've heard of things like partial or sub-syndromal PTSD that can develop, but I don't think I'd qualify for a diagnosis. My childhood was a lot of perfectionist tension interspersed with episodes of rage and covert incest, so I don't really have "that one time" to flash back to.

But I do dissociate -- I know I do. Maybe if I bring that up to the group therapist, I'll be considered for the trauma program. They're more dedicated to processing things than managing day to day, which is what my current program is for. I can often function fine day to day, or at least appear to be fine. I just get hit with deep depression out of nowhere sometimes and fall apart completely. I don't know. I feel like I don't belong anywhere, and it's super scary to talk about my symptoms. Much harder than even talking about my OCD, and that is sometimes horrifically difficult to talk about. I don't want to be invalidated, you know?

I don't know. I just had a tough day. Talking about my family and childhood in a bad light makes me feel like a liar. There was a lot of good with the bad, and that's what makes it so confusing.

Never got moved to the trauma program...didn't find the courage to speak up. I'm getting discharged on Wednesday. And the depression is coming back just in time.

It's hard to feel like anybody cares. I wanted to get assessed for dissociative symptoms here -- nothing. They said that Menninger would be a good place to go to get a full diagnosis -- it's self-paid, and my father won't pay. Few other places around here are equipped to recognize dissociation, especially when it's subtle and when everything in my being works to conceal it. I'm probably going to get forced into a job or community college course, which I'd have nothing against normally, but I wanted to take this free time of mine to just recover. And I can't.

It's beginning to feel like I don't deserve to get better. The more I go through stuff like this, the more I feel like I'm lying, and the more depressed I get. I feel like my only option is to spiral down until I want to kill myself because that's the only time people have cared about me in the past.

People do care about you, whether you know it or not. I have a hard time with that too. You do deserve to get better. Downward spirals can be very tough, but you will get out of it. It is tough when you feel that way. Denial is also pretty rough, but if you believe that you are going through this, you most likely are. I have a huge problem with denial too. It sucks, but it will get better. You can just skip over my post, but I believe that it'll work out in the end.

-Rachael

Thank you, Kyttin. I do very much appreciate your post, and I'd never skip over anything someone posts in my own thread.

Anyway...I just found out that not only is my father not going to finance the residential diagnostic process that my doctor suggested, he's also not going to pay for outpatient therapy unless I hold down a job or full time summer school for 60 days. That's two months without therapy. Whenever I go that long without, I have a breakdown. My mom is more willing to help, but she just doesn't have the money.

I know I'm upset, but I also just feel numb. It appears that the only time anyone believes me is when I've hurt myself.

I just don't know what to do anymore. Every effort I've made to get better has been blocked.

(this post is super whiny, sorry)

Discharged from the program. Emailed a counselor who specializes in dissociative disorders -- haven't heard back yet. We'll see what she says.

It's hard to feel like anyone cares about me right now, though. No one seems to want to help me. Can't go inpatient because I'm not suicidal 24/7. Feel relatively good while in the house, but when I leave, the anxiety gets worse, especially when I'm alone.

I feel like a liar posting here. I don't have DID. May not even have a dissociative disorder of any kind. No reason to have one, really. No one will listen to me. No one cares. I'm ok now, but I feel like my life can only end in self-destruction. I feel like I can't manage anything more than that. I feel like I deserve it.

Sorry for whining. I just don't have any idea what I should do.