Useless

The therapy is getting so extremely useless. I wish I could stop going. They are so wrong about me and she doesn't even listen to us when we tell her about symptoms that we do have cause they are DID symptoms and our BPD therapist has no clue what to say or do about them. She keeps doing her bpd training even though at least 80% of it doesn't fit us and is even the complete opposite of how we work. Even though I tell her all the things that don't fit, she still keeps talking. I was so far away today in my head while in her office but she just keeps talking about exercises to put some distance between me and the world?? but i told her that i'm always far away and need to stop going away. she put me outside after barely 30 minutes. I travel for almost 3 hours back and forth. She should help me get present/out of my head, not shove me outside sooner. Barely 5 appointments I think and It's going nowhere very fast. She can't help us.. I wish I could stop going. Why do I have to keep going there they are hurting me so much? she showed her our system well some of us, last week and she said shewas glad but it cant be true cause she ignores us and all the things we need help with even though we tell her wwhat we need help with and we tell her that we can do the things from the bpd traiining. she doesnt even deserve to know our things our old t did and we never told her anything this much in 2 yrs. We want our old t back so badd I want to stop going. but i also need help and i cant get other help except fr where we are now. can we get better with no t when the most important part of t is the t and the relationship with t? is just a nightmare this. the only tim we get sad is from t therapy.

hey there

first off, just thinking, i might be wrong but from reading your post was some other part of your system writing this caption. I only ask as in your other threads i remember reeading that your littles were taking your T leaving very hard.

he showed her our system well some of us, last week and she said shewas glad but it cant be true cause she ignores us and all the things we need help with even though we tell her wwhat we need help with and we tell her that we can do the things from the bpd traiining. she doesnt even deserve to know our things our old t did and we never told her anything this much in 2 yrs. We want our old t back so badd I want to stop going.

The change from your last T that you felt you fitted so well to this new T that you describe that fits like a shoe that is 4 sizes to big and a tad smelly, dose not sound nice and productive.

Have you been able to tell her all of what you have written in this post?

Dose she believe you have DID?

A T should LISTEN and then respond not just TALK AT YOU, training should be tailored to your needs. Everything is not for everyone.

Maybe you could ask her if she would be willing to step outside her comfort zone and work on different techniques with you? Ones more suited to grounding you?

Look forward to your answers.

Try and stay strong, you sound like you are in an alful place but things allways change, i promice.

river

Hey thank you for replying

Yea when we're stressed we're always all over the place busy head.. At times like those we just combine what everyone's saying I guess. idk. But you're right it was written by more than one identity. We function like that a lot. We read over our post and add and add what everyone wants added or changed. It's why our posts are often so large.. It often takes us hours to get it right. Then it's so much or so weird that we get embarrassed. Sometimes that leads to erasing/not posting, sometimes it leads to being embarrassed..

riverside wrote:The change from your last T that you felt you fitted so well to this new T that you describe that fits like a shoe that is 4 sizes to big and a tad smelly, dose not sound nice and productive.

It's more like 4 sizes too small cause she's trying to squish all of us into the bpd model made for singletons. So we did our absolute best to try and adapt some of the bpd model into something we can use as a multiple so she can stick to her training model. It took a heck of a lot of work to do that and it should be her job, but she doesn't even work with any of it when we do it for her.

riverside wrote:Have you been able to tell her all of what you have written in this post?

Not everything I don't think so, not sure. I think I wasn't present enough to think of some things while still in her office, but generally we've been completely open with her. Even though she doesn't deserve it. We were the complete opposite with our last t and all the other ones before her even, and I don't even know why we keep being so honest with her/why we weren't with our last t. who did deserve it. I think part of it is that our last t asked of us to 'continue with new t instead of starting over'. The other part is that we're sick of wasting time, getting more sure of our reality, etc I guess.

riverside wrote:Dose she believe you have DID?

She said last week that she believes us about the DID when we presented the adapted bpd model (which contained the descriptions and emotions of 5 of us) to her. She said science doesn't know how to deal with alter egos but she doesn't care about the label, she wants to hear my experiences, but she doesn't act like it. She looks at me like I'm a freak and delusional when I mistook and said we instead of I. When I tell her about the others she doesn't know what to say. She was so overwhelmed that she kept putting her hands in her face and gasping for words. She even said she doesn't know much about it and she said like 5 times that it's really super complex. Even if she does believe us it's no use cause she can't help. I wont probably get a specialist anymore cause I wasted so much time with the last one, and because the big boss does not believe us.
She just sticks to her bpd training model even though I can see that even she's getting uncomfortable over sticking to her model cause it's clearly not working, yet she does. It seems to me like she would have no clue what to do without the training model.

riverside wrote:A T should LISTEN and then respond not just TALK AT YOU, training should be tailored to your needs. Everything is not for everyone. /Maybe you could ask her if she would be willing to step outside her comfort zone and work on different techniques with you? Ones more suited to grounding you?

They clearly don't care. I can and did give her tons of reasons for why so many things don't fit me and are even the complete opposite of how we work, and she just continues with it even though she should be able to see that it's not helping me. If she would listen she wouldn't be doing this.
If she would have the capacity to help me ground, she would have done so yesterday when I was physically but not mentally in her office? The behavior (shoving me out the door instead of helping me etc) just proved to me that she A) either doesn't believe me or doesn't listen even if she does believe me, because B) she doesn't know what to do to help.

riverside wrote:Try and stay strong, you sound like you are in an alful place but things allways change, i promice.

Yea always strong. Always lonely and always doing everything alone. So what's the use of staying in therapy if they are not helping. Why do we keep having the hope apparently, that they will help us someday if 6 years in the same facility prove that they aren't going to? Besides still having hope and not having anywhere else to go, I can't even imagine another reason to stay there.

Can we get better with no therapy when the most important part of therapy/healing is the t and the relationship with t?

Here's for embarrassment,
Thanks again, and greetings from TC

Well, you're not in a fun place but several of us have been exactly there and it's unbelievably frustratingly and invalidating. You need to talk about your experience and the T is kind of all you've got. This really reminds me of the maxim: when the only tool you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.

Actually, I think I might try that exact explanation with your T. Then whenever the T says something that just feels frustrating and way off, you could repeat "um, not a nail, remember?" Or sometimes, "feels like a hammer again and it's not helping, it actually kind of hurts." Then maybe "could you try another tool, one that works with dissociation?" A bit snarky but hopefully you get the idea.

A hammer is a really useful tool for the right job. But I wouldn't use it to paint a landscape.

hey there,

Going to be classic us a start from the end of what you said

Yea always strong. Always lonely and always doing everything alone. So what's the use of staying in therapy if they are not helping. Why do we keep having the hope apparently, that they will help us someday if 6 years in the same facility prove that they aren't going to? Besides still having hope and not having anywhere else to go, I can't even imagine another reason to stay there.

What Johnny-jack said- you should totally do it. Every single time!!! Over and Over!! Should you have to? NO! but could you? O yes! Would it pay off? I think it would..... i'll come back to it later

About the always lonely we started a post hear called 'alone' which we feel we had no right to because we have so much. If you ever feel like you are so alone you need a chat pm me. Never that far away from a computer. unles some1 in the family is in A&e LIKE YESTERDAY! Hope is a virus, it will infect you and the others you are near. Hold onto it like you streangth because it got you a good T and fate has a way of making things go full circle. A good reason to stay is that though the boss dose not believe you, if you stay open with this woman, openly did, saying we, letting your alters speak, maybe taking your post in from the start of this thread then SHE WILL BELIEVE YOU and want to pass you on to some one that knows what they are doing. Keep taking your vitamins and eating your vegitables to tay strong.

. It often takes us hours to get it right. Then it's so much or so weird that we get embarrassed. Sometimes that leads to erasing/not posting, sometimes it leads to being embarrassed..

Can understand that feeling but at least here no ones actually knows you? Truth is we are all a little stressed and overwelmed and in need or some one to un-noodle our minds some times. You know its the truth!!


You wrote the following regarding telling everything to your T;

Not everything I don't think so, not sure. I think I wasn't present enough to think of some things while still in her office, but generally we've been completely open with her. Even though she doesn't deserve it. We were the complete opposite with our last t and all the other ones before her even, and I don't even know why we keep being so honest with her/why we weren't with our last t. who did deserve it. I think part of it is that our last t asked of us to 'continue with new t instead of starting over'. The other part is that we're sick of wasting time, getting more sure of our reality, etc I guess

.

Print off your posts and give them to her, tell her that you would rather her spend the hour reading your posts and having a human responce that talking to her like a manual...or words to that effect
You have made progress, you are being open, you are telling the truth, it always happens when you dont have what you wanted any more or at least it did to me! but you have did for a reason! You i bet have been through hell, give your self a break. You are doing the best you can and yes it is good enough. You said you are always strong. Think of all the moaners out there that are upset because they broke a nail or because there trust fund was taken away (you get my point?!?!) they dont know what strength is- you have it, i know it sucks to know what it is to need it but how much do you rock? Your like the worlds strongest person and no one knows it! O! DID SUPER HEROS!!

Sorry carried away!

When you said about her putting her head in her hands and things like that, i was shaking my head and geting mad for you!!! Be that honest person and open person you told your old T you said you was going to be , tell you new T how that makes you feel to see that body language say - You are shocking me right now and i dont know what to do. She is the T, she is ment to know what to do and if not she is at the minimum ment to reasure you. Maybe you could ask her to treat you like a family thearpy session?!?! She sounds like a rod that wond bent. I think you are being amazing going back and forth but i think you need to because like you say where else? Also that cicrle and you need to vent even if she is crap!!!!

When you say she shoved you out of the door , do you mean physically ???? Or you felt like you had no choice but to leave because you wasnt welcomed? Both are crap but one is totally out of order!

Was having a thought - do you have research and books at home that you could photocopy sections and articals of and take to her and give to her? So that you know 100% that she dose know? A T should be open to learning just like a client.


I really hope you are doing ok and finding ways of looking after all of you. Give yourself soem TLC and a pat on the back. My littles are streatching out to give you a knee high hug! hope thats ok!!

us

Johnny-Jack wrote:Well, you're not in a fun place but several of us have been exactly there and it's unbelievably frustratingly and invalidating.

Thanks, I guess that's true and really sad for everyone..

Johnny-Jack wrote:You need to talk about your experience and the T is kind of all you've got.

But is it really necessary to talk about it with a therapist? I mean, especially one who doesn't even have a clue about all this but even with an experienced one? All the healing I ever did is something that no t helped with. I can truly say that you personally, John & co, helped us more.
I know that I'm running out of energy though, but maybe that's just something I try to tell myself and in hindsight it appears that I do have the energy to keep doing it alone. I don't know. I'm just so used to doing everything without outside help. Being tired would be normal but so is the strong will to keep going. Since they haven't been able to help, the logical outcome of having this strong drive to keep moving is usually doing it alone.

Johnny-Jack wrote:This really reminds me of the maxim: when the only tool you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail. Actually, I think I might try that exact explanation with your T. Then whenever the T says something that just feels frustrating and way off, you could repeat "um, not a nail, remember?"

I know you're right. I'm just too scared, and the longer they keep being mean and continue not to listen to me, the more scared I seem to have gotten. Only around them though so that's what mostly makes me wonder whether it's even any use to keep going.

Johnny-Jack wrote:Or sometimes, "feels like a hammer again and it's not helping, it actually kind of hurts." Then maybe "could you try another tool, one that works with dissociation?" A bit snarky but hopefully you get the idea.

I can see this working in a while maybe. In a roundabout way that's what I've been doing by talking about our experiences despite them not fitting in her model.

riverside wrote:About the always lonely we started a post hear called 'alone' which we feel we had no right to because we have so much. If you ever feel like you are so alone you need a chat pm me.

Thanks

riverside wrote:Hope is a virus, it will infect you and the others you are near. Hold onto it like you streangth because it got you a good T and fate has a way of making things go full circle. A good reason to stay is that though the boss dose not believe you, if you stay open with this woman, openly did, saying we, letting your alters speak, maybe taking your post in from the start of this thread then SHE WILL BELIEVE YOU and want to pass you on to some one that knows what they are doing.

I guess maybe. I'm sick of playing this game though but it's true she's the only one I got./or could have.. I guess..

riverside wrote:Print off your posts and give them to her, tell her that you would rather her spend the hour reading your posts and having a human responce that talking to her like a manual...or words to that effect

I would if it wouldn't be so scary. But I will try to keep making it clear to her anyway, probably not with the words I use here though.

riverside wrote:You have made progress, you are being open, you are telling the truth, it always happens when you dont have what you wanted any more or at least it did to me! but you have did for a reason! You i bet have been through hell, give your self a break. You are doing the best you can and yes it is good enough. You said you are always strong. Think of all the moaners out there that are upset because they broke a nail or because there trust fund was taken away (you get my point?!?!) they dont know what strength is- you have it, i know it sucks to know what it is to need it but how much do you rock? Your like the worlds strongest person and no one knows it! O! DID SUPER HEROS!!

Sorry carried away!

Carried away maybe but true. Or at least I totally get the moaners part.. hah.

riverside wrote:When you said about her putting her head in her hands and things like that, i was shaking my head and geting mad for you!!! Be that honest person and open person you told your old T you said you was going to be , tell you new T how that makes you feel to see that body language say - You are shocking me right now and i dont know what to do. She is the T, she is ment to know what to do and if not she is at the minimum ment to reasure you.

Yea I know. I try my best. It's just that I or we, feel really unsafe there so I really can't always tell that I feel like that about things she does or says. Or of course I'm too scared to say it. I know/feel she doesn't want me to keep getting back to things later cause I tried that a few times. So often I just drop it. I mean, the hands in her face part, for the first week I was like, I totally get it.. Then after that I started realizing how she should be able to handle it and be there for me. And not show emotions like that in that intensity. I mean, this was her response to revealing OUR SYSTEM to her, I should be able to be safely overwhelmed with her, instead of carrying her overwhelm..? She appeared so overwhelmed that I even apologized for telling her. Like wth? I wonder what it would look like/feel to her-and in response to me, if I now spoke to her about that session.

riverside wrote:Maybe you could ask her to treat you like a family thearpy session?!?! She sounds like a rod that wond bent. I think you are being amazing going back and forth but i think you need to because like you say where else?

It's just, am I stupid for thinking that she's supposed to think of that on her own?
Thanks.

riverside wrote:When you say she shoved you out of the door , do you mean physically ???? Or you felt like you had no choice but to leave because you wasnt welcomed? Both are crap but one is totally out of order!

Not physically thank goodness, or I wouldn't even be considering going back. But it's like she expected me to get up and walk out just like that when she was done discussing the homework. Sensitive as I am to cues like that, I get up. Definitely feels like she doesn't even understand that she's supposed to build a bond with me and not just do business.

riverside wrote:Was having a thought - do you have research and books at home that you could photocopy sections and articals of and take to her and give to her? So that you know 100% that she dose know? A T should be open to learning just like a client.

She's already told me she's not an avid reader and is taking months to complete the book she borrowed from me, while telling me that she's not going to read all of it.. My last t gave it to me cause it's about voices so it should be important to read it and yet she barely does. I printed her an article a few weeks ago and she couldn't even fully read that even though it was about bpd.. It's weird cause she's a psych, she should Want to read stuff like that, wouldn't she?

riverside wrote:I really hope you are doing ok and finding ways of looking after all of you. Give yourself soem TLC and a pat on the back. My littles are streatching out to give you a knee high hug! hope thats ok!!

us

hihih thanks That's so sweet. And brave
I am actually still going great Quit smoking weed, making a lot of progress in several areas of my life. Aside from having a bad case of insomnia lately (nightly 5 AM-ish ), and fleeing the waking life cause of our conflicts, I'm really doing good.

boy what a loong post.. Sorry..