making it up or communicating openly

Hi everyone

I was wondering what peoples experiences were/are during the time the started to research/get a diagnosis?

After my t spoke to me about ddnos and did,I started researching and joined thus forum.
I have found that through journaling, meditation and using the dissociative table technique I have formed an open bound with my parts that I had never before done.

I have always tried to not internalise things because my brain would get all messed up but now I ask myself questions about myself and life situations and through thebefore mentioned techniques I am gaining more insight, coherent insight than ever.

Here is the how ever-my switching has always been subtle-more like mood swings-
HoweverI have felt more aware of switching than ever and my partner has said it is very apparent now when I switch-body statute, voice, vocab etc.

My question-
Is thus because I am making myself do it on a subconscious level? some how making myself fitsymptoms or is it because my ego state gates are open and there voices are more obvious now than before?

Any help would be great.
With much appreciation and gratitude
River

I really wanted to comment on this, as this is the stage we are currently at.

The stage before this, we were aware of one another only through a certain creative vector (Roleplaying), and that's how we got to know each other, and our therapist opened up communication between us in the "real world" instead of us covertly taking over in the real world, and everyone else inside being confused about what was going on, we started getting to know each other better and being more individualistic.

Now, from what I've noticed, this completely natural and not forced. As there were alters before who would write pages and pages in our journal talking about how much they wanted to "be out there" and "be real" and how their "mates" (aka. in roleplay) were fake.

The roleplaying was more of a coping mechanism for DID, which was a coping mechanism for childhood abuse. HUH! it's coping mechanism inception, almost.

But I wouldnt say you were making it up at all, from what we've heard, this is a step towards integration, or just plain community living. Everyone has to work together for the whole to succeed.

Thank you so much for posting back, it has given my mind some peace.

As with you I have been aware of the others but only now are things being delt as a whole.

Thanks again, as always you have been of help
River

In most multiples the insiders are covert. That is why it takes most of us so long to get diagnosed and helped! Therapy has the transient effect of making the DID overt. The DID is not being created in therapy or through suggestion; it was there all along, as our histories prove. Becoming more overt is normal, healthy, and --- if your system chooses to undergo full fusion --- temporary.

It is also normal to feel like we are just making it up. This is part of the pathology of DID: denial and invalidation and disbelief of our own actual experiences.

Hang in there. It will get better.

riverside wrote:My question-
Is this because I am making myself do it on a subconscious level? some how making myself fit symptoms or is it because my ego state gates are open and there voices are more obvious now than before

This specific feeling -- maybe I'm making this all up -- is one of the most commonly expressed experiences of newcomers here. I suspect it's a universal experience in DID or nearly that, certainly as one becomes aware of the DID and occasionally much later. I still get that feeling from time to time. As Una says, doubt about one's experience is an integral part of DID. Interestingly, other alters, especially if one has been out for a few hours, sometimes get this feeling too, that they are making up the DID, or me, or themselves.

The most effective negation of my momentary "must be making it up" are remembering how consistent with themselves each alter is. Even when they do something uncharacteristic for them, such as crying, they do it in their own way, not mine. But I still realize we all together make up one human being.