social phobia *triggers

Since billy has been out a lot I am finding it very hard to deal with seeing anyone or even going outside because I'm so scared and embarrassed about becoming a six year old in front of people. I had a panic attack because I was going to see my two best friends who were home from university for Christmas... I managed to see them one at a time but I broke down crying at dinner because Billy came out a couple of times. I feel sick thinking about it... we have come down to where my SOs family live and I have been hiding in her aunt's flat crying and there are parties and I can't go, I don't want to act like a child around anyone. I felt suicidal earlier and I don't know what to do I am so upset and depressed and I feel like all I've done for months is whine like a f/cking b!tch. I feel angry towards Billy but he is only six so how am I supposed to be mad at him?

I'm sorry.

Battling social phobia alongside this disorder is a nightmare, I agree. I don't want to be seen by anyone fullstop, let alone if I am in a dissociated state/switched state.

Just want to say you're not alone. 100% not helpful, I know, but social phobia is chronic in my life and I can really really understand this stuff.

Is there anyway you could explain the situation to in your SOs family then spend some time with them? I'd say there's at least a decent chance they'll be comfortable especially if your SO explains that it's a condition that normally arises from very early childhood abuse. Many people are surprisingly sophisticated. I wouldn't divulge my DID at work until I'm prepared but I have no doubt most people would be understanding.

I have told a couple people at work and most friends but then again none of my alters will switch in without my cooperation in the presence of people from work so it's not an issue. Nor do they want to. Occasionally someone will say or do something that's extremely triggering but I can stifle a switch. I can't stifle one in public when I'm with my personal assistant but he has DID so I know someone responsible is watching.

Why is it so bad if Billy comes out? What is the emotion? This may not stop your reaction but distinguishing exactly what you think and feel afterwards will tell you something. Does Billy have enough time out otherwise, does he get to have fun? He is a valid part of yoU, of course, not some interloper who doesn't belong.

Johnny-Jack, my SO's family know of the situation, but I guess I am over-sensitive to their feeling awkward, and my own self-consciousness. They are really accepting and non-judgemental people anyhow, the issue is more my own gigantic ego, lol. Christmas was difficult, I ended up avoiding everyone. I did try to go out with my SO and our daughter but I'd get to the door and end up in hysterics.

The emotion is sheer embarrassment. I think it's related to shame and vulnerability but looking even slightly silly or stupid can be devastating to me - embarrassment is probably the feeling I have most trouble processing; it terrifies me. Though it wasn't as mortifying after Christmas when I had my two best friends come over, and they met Billy properly, after which they asked me a bit about him and if they should just talk to him like any child (to which I said yes) and told me they just wanted to support me and to make me feel as comfortable as possible, that they love me and just want me to be well.

The past week or so has been a lot easier and I've had a lot more control over Billy coming out. I've been happy to allow him to come out at appropriate times, like watching family movies or playing with my daughter and craft things. I'm hoping that this continues; I've seen a psychiatrist from the CMHT, and will be seeing a psychologist for ongoing therapy in the next couple of weeks. The psychiatrist was brilliant... my previous involvement with my local mental health team had left me jaded after seeing so many professionals who were anything but. He discussed Billy and other alters with complete acceptance and understanding. I had been expecting scepticism.

Hi Skin.

Just wanted to say that I've been thinking about you (all). Hope you are doing okay now.

Safe, warm hugs if wanted.