Help Dealing With DID IN My Friend

Hi,

I do not have DID but my friend does. We use to be partners and she did not reveal to me that she had DID until after we broke up. She and I are still very close and I love her very much. I need help understanding this disorder and help to know how to deal with the alters as they appear. Because I love her so very much, it breaks my heart and I cry a lot over this. I will never leave her because of this disorder but I need to know how to deal with the alters and how I can help her. One alter is a teenage boy who has been a little violent with me and scared me some. Can someone help me?

Hi Vanessa,

Everyone is different just like people with DID, we all have different alters who will act in different ways.

The best advice I think I can give you is to talk to her about it to get a better understanding and learn what and what not to do when she has a switch. You'll need alot of patience with her and her alters. You ultimately need to talk to her because she'll have the best answers.

I am sorry I can't be of more help.

Stay strong and be safe xx

Angel xxxxxxxx

Hi Vanessa, I am a supporter of a man with DID. I can give you a few suggestions. First, learn everything you can about DID. Read books, research the web, read through the forum. There are a lot more resources available than there used to be. Watch United States of Tara. I know many are not fond of this program, I know at times it's a bit dramatic, when in reality DID can be hard to detect, BUT watch how Tara's husband relates to her alters. He treats them all with respect, but he has boundaries.

The best advice I can give you is, treat them all with respect. They all have a purpose. Do not judge them. You don't know what they have been through. Listen to them when they talk. Deal with whomever is out. Don't ask for others to come out. This will help them to trust you, and they will be very good at reading you.

Best of luck and thank you for standing by your friend.

Thank you for your advice Angel. I do try to talk to her and when I try, if she gets the least bit upset and stressed, she will switch. So I try to be really careful when I approach her to talk. I have asked her if we could talk soon about something that happened Tuesday night. I haven't told her about two episodes where the violent alter got physical with me, I don't want to trigger her to switch. I love her and want to be here for her always. Your post has mean't alot to me, thank you. I promise to stay strong and be safe.

Hugs!

Vanessa

Angels_Fire wrote:Hi Vanessa,

Everyone is different just like people with DID, we all have different alters who will act in different ways.

The best advice I think I can give you is to talk to her about it to get a better understanding and learn what and what not to do when she has a switch. You'll need alot of patience with her and her alters. You ultimately need to talk to her because she'll have the best answers.

I am sorry I can't be of more help.

Stay strong and be safe xx

Angel xxxxxxxx

-- Thu Jul 11, 2013 12:21 pm --

Hi Patience,

I am so happy to meet you as you are a supporter like I am. If you have any suggestions of specific books, websites, etc. please let me know. I want to learn all I can about DID so I can be a good support person for the one I love.

I will concentrate on treating the alters with respect and I need to learn how to set boundaries with them. Will they listen to me and accept boundaries? Do I just talk to them and explain the boundaries?

One thing I have been doing wrong is when another is out, I ask for my friend to come back out. I want her all the time but now I realize I will have to accept and deal with whichever one is out at the time. I think back and now realize I don't really know who I fell in love with. I am assuming my friend is the host, but I don't know for sure. Are they like a person by themselves and they can read me?

Vanessa

Patience wrote:Hi Vanessa, I am a supporter of a man with DID. I can give you a few suggestions. First, learn everything you can about DID. Read books, research the web, read through the forum. There are a lot more resources available than there used to be. Watch United States of Tara. I know many are not fond of this program, I know at times it's a bit dramatic, when in reality DID can be hard to detect, BUT watch how Tara's husband relates to her alters. He treats them all with respect, but he has boundaries.

The best advice I can give you is, treat them all with respect. They all have a purpose. Do not judge them. You don't know what they have been through. Listen to them when they talk. Deal with whomever is out. Don't ask for others to come out. This will help them to trust you, and they will be very good at reading you.

Best of luck and thank you for standing by your friend.

Orchids R Me wrote:I want her all the time but now I realize I will have to accept and deal with whichever one is out at the time. I think back and now realize I don't really know who I fell in love with. I am assuming my friend is the host, but I don't know for sure. Are they like a person by themselves and they can read me?

Yes, they all can read you. People with DID are uncanny that way. (All my life people have told me they have the feeling I can read their mind; I never understood why they said that until I got into therapy.) Some alters however will be projecting stuff from their own separate past onto you, at least initially, so they may react to you in ways that don't seem to make sense.

The part of her who was your partner might be the host, but the host generally is the alter with the least information about the rest of the system. Often prior to therapy the host is unaware of there being other alters, even when other people are aware of the multiplicity. The host is not the "real" person: all alters are separate parts of the real person. Was she diagnosed after you two broke up?

Hi Una,

Thank you for posting and helping me. She was diagnosed 12 years ago and we did not get together until 10 months ago. Our partner relationship only lasted for five months. She said she was afraid to tell me about her diagnosis because she was afraid I would not want to be with her. When I look back, I now can see where the alters played a big part in our relationship. I really want to understand DID better so I can understand her better. I love this woman so much.

Funny you should say about them reading me, because she knows me well and even she tells me she knows what I am going to do before I actually do it. What upsets me is that she doubts everything I say and seems to never believe me when I tell her something.

Is there a real person there? Is all parts of her alters?

Una+ wrote:

Orchids R Me wrote:I want her all the time but now I realize I will have to accept and deal with whichever one is out at the time. I think back and now realize I don't really know who I fell in love with. I am assuming my friend is the host, but I don't know for sure. Are they like a person by themselves and they can read me?

Yes, they all can read you. People with DID are uncanny that way. (All my life people have told me they have the feeling I can read their mind; I never understood why they said that until I got into therapy.) Some alters however will be projecting stuff from their own separate past onto you, at least initially, so they may react to you in ways that don't seem to make sense.

The part of her who was your partner might be the host, but the host generally is the alter with the least information about the rest of the system. Often prior to therapy the host is unaware of there being other alters, even when other people are aware of the multiplicity. The host is not the "real" person: all alters are separate parts of the real person. Was she diagnosed after you two broke up?

Vanessa, remember...you are allowed to make mistakes, lol! This is brand new, and boy have I made some doosies...the thing is, they were made with an honest heart and caring for my BF, and not to be mean, and he knows the difference.

All the alters are real people, yes, they are all separate people. And parts of the same person, too. They share the body, but different alters have different memories, different ways of viewing things and different opinions. Some may even not like the same foods. This is a big issue in my house.

I had that problem with my boyfriend in the beginning of our relationship...he didn't believe things I said. He mostly didn't believe I would help him or do nice things for him without strings attached. It took a really long time before he trusted that my intentions were all good ones. It's hard for someone to trust, especially if someone in their past, whom they were supposed to trust, abused that trust.

You don't need to explain your boundaries. You wouldn't really know anyway until an issue came up. I think you're doing fine, you sound like a very caring support person. There are no "rules", just to be kind and non-judgemental. I usually go by pure instinct. When it feels like he wants to be alone, I let him be. Or if he wants to talk, I listen. Really, like being a partner with anyone. But only now, you get folks that are different ages, and who may tell you some really surprising stuff!

I am going to message you with some links and books, so I don't put anything here I'm not supposed to by mistake.

It seems you've already realised you can't just ask for one person and they will appear. I will warn you that asking can sometimes hurt parts so you have to do it carefully. Sometimes in therapy my therapist has asked to talk to an older part as she has something important to say, and the child/ren who are out get very upset and feel unwanted. Thats why it sounds like a good time that you've set a time to talk to her about things that are important so the parts don't feel you are butting into 'their time'.

Good luck on your journey with your friend

Thank you debetoile. I now realize I should never ask for one person. Though I love my friend desperately, I will only wait for her to appear. I really do want to get to know all of the alters. My friend is very secretive about the alters and has told me some about them but won't tell me their names. Maybe one day she or they will tell me. Thank you for your sweet message.

debetoile wrote:It seems you've already realised you can't just ask for one person and they will appear. I will warn you that asking can sometimes hurt parts so you have to do it carefully. Sometimes in therapy my therapist has asked to talk to an older part as she has something important to say, and the child/ren who are out get very upset and feel unwanted. Thats why it sounds like a good time that you've set a time to talk to her about things that are important so the parts don't feel you are butting into 'their time'.

Good luck on your journey with your friend

vanessa - I wouldn't say NEVER ask for one person, just be careful in how you do it. It can actually be useful for us to get used to having to switch at a certain point as in real life that's what's needed at times. I've learnt over the last 3 years that compromise is key to everything. So instead of asking to see your friend NOW, let the part that's out know you like them and spend time with them, ask if you can see your friend after you've done x activity so they have warning and have also been allowed out. Or ask if you can see her now and then at x time do something with whoever's out, we have to do that with our littles when we need an older part to take charge in front of others or to navigate, and promise the kids we'll do colouring in the evening