Help Dealing With DID IN My Friend

Thank you for your great advice and sharing your knowledge with me.

debetoile wrote:vanessa - I wouldn't say NEVER ask for one person, just be careful in how you do it. It can actually be useful for us to get used to having to switch at a certain point as in real life that's what's needed at times. I've learnt over the last 3 years that compromise is key to everything. So instead of asking to see your friend NOW, let the part that's out know you like them and spend time with them, ask if you can see your friend after you've done x activity so they have warning and have also been allowed out. Or ask if you can see her now and then at x time do something with whoever's out, we have to do that with our littles when we need an older part to take charge in front of others or to navigate, and promise the kids we'll do colouring in the evening

Orchids R Me wrote:I now realize I should never ask for one person. Though I love my friend desperately, I will only wait for her to appear.

They are all her. The one you identify as your friend is an alter among other alters.

Una,

I am trying to understand this, please forgive me for not getting this whole system. I know you can help me to understand.

So, the one I fell in love with is an alter too? So all of the different alters make up who she is. There is no one specifically the "real her". I am trying to understand this compared to someone who doesn't have DID. Like, I am Vanessa and what you see is what you get. Am I making sense? I am confused I guess.

Una+ wrote:

Orchids R Me wrote:I now realize I should never ask for one person. Though I love my friend desperately, I will only wait for her to appear.

They are all her. The one you identify as your friend is an alter among other alters.

Orchids R Me wrote:So, the one I fell in love with is an alter too? So all of the different alters make up who she is. There is no one specifically the "real her".

Yes. The "real her" is the whole system of alters collectively. You were in a relationship with only a part or a few parts of her.

Typically, especially with an undiagnosed multiple, the part who relates to the significant other is the one part who is most pleasing to the SO. The SO tends, just as you do, to be most attached to that one part and want that part to be present always, suppressing or denying or refusing to engage with the other parts. This tendency is also common in the naive knee-jerk treatment given to DID clients by psychotherapists who are not educated in the treatment of DID. Some people with DID do this to themselves, unknowingly. This can seem to work, by causing the insiders to go deep undercover for years or even decades, until some life event causes the suppression to fail.

I am one of those hosts who "stuffed it" and largely suppressed the other alters for decades. Until one day something happened and my compartments began to leak. Fortunately my husband is able to accept that all the alters are parts of me, and are welcome.

Orchids R Me wrote:So all of the different alters make up who she is. There is no one specifically the "real her".

Yes, I will echo what Una+ said, that the "real her" is the whole system of her alters collectively. They are all the real her together. Equally, they are not any less the real her if you only see different parts of them at different times. They are still part of the "real her" as a whole and deserved to be acknowledged as equally real and important to talk to and interact with.

It is nice that you are trying to get to understand better so that you can support her better.