Losing Control

My communication with some of us seems to be way worse than with others. I've lost about 4-5 days minus a few brief moments where I was caught up on an event by everyone. I'm starting to link bad communication to time loss. I'm feeling a bit out of control. Thalyssa was out for i'm thinking most of the days based off of internet activity and some other stuff. I just can't believe that many days passed without me even noticing and i'm not even getting the brief picture like flashes of 'major' events like I do when Amy and/or Birch is fronting.
It's kind of frustrating. i feel so in the dark.

*tw*

my friendships are falling apart, my relationship is falling apart. i have no control of who takes over or what they say and with all this stress all these outbursts are happening. i feel so hopeless. we're blacking out during our job and obviously randomly switching. its a mess and our therapist said we shouldnt tell our boss about our DID because "she won't be able to understand" so we just look completely incompetent.

i have no way to express my pain. i could cut every inch of flesh on my body and i will still be hurting inside too much to handle. speaking doesnt help, i'm silenced. therapy doesn't, cant be honest.
i just want to die. theres no point in going on in an empty existance.
it feels so hopeless, and i just want help, but theres no one here.

its too much and we're all alone.

-- Thu Jul 04, 2013 2:44 am --

i wish we were strong enough to die for once and for all.

Alex, please don't talk like that. You expressed your pain in words, just now. If you just vent maybe it could help.

Please don't die.
Call someone.

Hey Familyof3,

I'm going through the same thing. It's really freaky to lose time at work and what not, but it will get better in time. I don't know what you do for work, but is the time loss hurting your performance? Are the other alters competent at work?

I disclosed that I have DID to my last boss, and he was very understanding and supportive. Things have been getting bad again, and I am planning to talk with my current boss about this..I know him well enough to trust that he will be understanding at the least.

I don't know the reasons why your therapist suggests that you refrain from telling your boss that you have DID..Do you agree with your therapists opinion? Do you think your boss is educated enough to understand?

When I disclosed that I have DID with my previous boss, I didn't begin by giving him a medical diagnosis. I began by telling him that I am seeing a psychologist 1-2 times per week and that I went through some horrifically bad events as a child, and that I coped with it by separating myself from the trauma by subconsciously compartmentalizing the abuse. I then told him that these compartmentalized memories are held within compartmentalized pieces of "my" identity, and that these pieces sort of have a life of their own and they relive situations at times. My boss then told me that he is there to help me and support me if I needed it. So my experience with disclosing DID was very positive, hopefully your boss would be just as accepting.

Per your second post: my friendships and personal life have definitely taken a backseat to coping with DID as well. Do they know what you are going through? The few friends that I have told have been compassionate, even if they don't get why I lose touch for weeks on end. Also, it seems like you really want to reach out to your friends but your therapists advice is holding you back?

**TRIGGER WARNING**
Try not to cut or anything! I/we have cut, and it only leaves us with shame and self-hate. I feel bad every time I see those scars. Trust me, cutting is not an effective way of handling things.
** END TRIGGER WARNING**

We all hope you are doing alright! On behalf of this forum, I hope you know that everyone here is here to support you and everyone here with DID.

Aw, please don't. I know it's hard. I wish I could give you a whole list of reasons why (which there are enough to), but the timing is not good. Anyway, please. I believe you can make it through this.

I've been losing time at work too, I've had to take some time off because it was getting a bit scary. The most important thing to me is that I can look after myself and have the space to improve communication and deal with other symptoms. I understand this urge to cut, I get it too when things are too stressful and I'm not feeling safe, but I don't do it, it won't help. I dont even have any knives or sharp objects in my flat, just in case - only a blunt knife for cooking. Please do whatever it takes to help your system feel safer and reach a better level of communication, and be very nice to your body.
I express my pain in painting/drawing. Maybe art or writing would help you express what's going on inside?

Express yourself any way you can! dancing, singing, anything. I suggest dancing and singing because these ways won't leave a hard copy behind, but they are nonetheless really good for your body (and mind) to get that pent up energy moving along.

Maybe put some money aside to get a massage. Or just observe your breathing, make sure you're not holding your breath - imagine with every breath you are getting bigger, and with every exhale you are getting rid of blockages that prevent memories from being shared, and alters from being able to move freely.

As I have DID, I find these things help us relax as a "whole", and can sometimes achieve recalibration and reconnection. Sometimes memories come back, and sometimes alters who have been disconnected from each other will be able to reach each other again.

Just do what you can to relax. You are going through a really rough time right now. You're not incompetent. You are under a lot of stress and your condition's symptoms have been aggravated

You could tell your boss that you have struggled with dissociation and depression in the past, and that it is a chronic condition, so during really stressful or sick times, you might still enter an "acute phase" of symptoms, including (blah, blah... memory loss, sleep/wake cycle disruption... maybe your T could help you think of some terminology).

Maybe you need to take a short leave of work, for just a few days? A note from your T could help. If you are having thoughts of suicide and self harm, and feeling so overwhelmed, it might not be good to force yourself to work where you just get more stressed out

Thank you for the support. We made it through the night with minimal injury, and we have a doctors appointment today that will hopefully get us on the track to dealing with some things.

Familyof3 wrote:Thank you for the support. We made it through the night with minimal injury, and we have a doctors appointment today that will hopefully get us on the track to dealing with some things.

Great! You all have to be proud of yourselves.
I hope that the doctor's appointment will help you a lot!
Cheers, Lana

It's great to hear from you guys. All of you mean the world to us.

-Jeff