What is "I"?

**might trigger- identity confusion**


The biggest confusion I have is, who is me? We have always thought that we're a non-host system because of 4 different alters being capable of, and actively involved in hosting.
All the alters have a very strong self image, yet this "I" doesn't have a self image at all. It's really as though it doesn't exist.
As soon as I start to wonder who is me, what is this "person", who am I without the alters, as soon as we look at myself in an attempt to figure this out, one of them will step in which will make sure that I still don't know who is me. I feel as if I know there has to be an "I", but it's like we can't find it.
My T keeps saying in order to switch less, "I" have to become stronger, but what's an I?
Isn't it unfair that some random, possibly the strongest alter, just steps up and says, I'm the I? I can't just allow for any one of them to assume the I-right? That's like crowning yourself king isn't it?
But yet I keep talking about this I, I guess, WE keep talking about this I. So I'm confused.
How can I write here if I don't exist? But if I would exist, wouldn't there be some kind of evidence, some kind of 'me-feeling' some kind of mental image of this I? Am I really that broken that there isn't any sense of I-ness at all? (Am I creating a new alter possibly?)
If I is anything, I would be a door. That's how I always felt; like a door for them. But that was a different I, in a different time who felt like that. She isn't me, but I'm still the same door. She isn't a door anymore now. If this "I" ever stops "hosting" will "I" then know who I am, in the same way she knows now who she is? Is it normal for a host to be so weak, transparent, non-existent that the alters don't even notice that it exists?
Everything I like, all of it, is something one of them likes. I confuse that I'm that I, because I like what they like, in turn just switching in stead of finding out who the real I is. I really need to find this I if I ever want to get better. When one of the insiders wants to check out who this I is, it's like their view skips the part where I'm seen, or maybe there isn't anything to be seen at all.
Now I feel like Jessica, but a minute ago I felt like Jennifer, and before that I felt like Eric but all of them aren't the I.
Or well yes all of them are, but the very fact that they exist, proves the I is broken doesn't it? Proves the I isn't there? Cause how can they each possess a piece of I, yet I'm still here too? that's impossible. We're confused.

Do you know who you are, without the alters? Do you have a clear self image, like the way our alters have self images?

The only logical conclusion I can reach is that I must be the body then, but I don't feel like my body at all, nobody does. And a body isn't a person, a soul, a conscious being, is it?
I know that if we would have a solid I, we would be able to initiate integration/and heal/become stronger much easier. I want that. Now all of us just run around whenever we happen to be out, changing the I all the time and when out, all of us feel like the "I". We have nobody to 'ground' cause that only means 'staying in this alter longer' instead of 'not letting them take over', cause one of them is always on front cause there is no "I".

I'm really scared to post this cause I think it sounds stupid and cause I feel it should be obvious who I is. I'm sorry if I'm being stupid.

I can relate to this, but perhaps not quite so severely.

All I can say is I have two 'I's. I have the I that is a mix up of all the alters needed for a situation e.g. socialising. Then I have the 'real I' who I am only just beginning to work out who that is. So far, with the help of a therapist, I've got that the 'real I' (me) has a sense of humour and massive passion for animals. Other than that I feel like just a skin housing all the other alters, and a vessel for when a situation requires more than one of us to be around. It is confusing. So confusing.

-B

You are not stupid, you are learning, and questioning, and discovering, and growing. I have no answer for your system's workings but I would like to make a suggestion, today if the concept of "i" make you uneasy/confused try substituting the concept of "eye" instead.

"I-dom" is a hard concept for me to understand because it so singular and consistant. I am many things but singular and consistent are just not a part of my personal vocabulary. For me, using the concept of "eye" instead of "I" is less triggering/threatening and easier for me to understand. When I focus on being the "eye" it allows me to stay more focused and as a result I switch less. The less I switch the more the others in my system work with me instead of around me.

Just a thought

Kero

bourbon wrote:Then I have the 'real I' who I am only just beginning to work out who that is.

Would you mind explaining how you find this out, that is if you can? Is this 'real I' for as far as you've found out, a solid construct like the alters are? If so, then how do you know that this is the real I instead of another alter?
Are the sense of humor, the animal love, traits your alters also possess? If so, doesn't feeling these traits make you switch to them?

Kero, so you essentially ignore who's in front, as long as they are part of 'the eye'?

Sorry I'm not sure why this was a big deal. I guess it still is but Idk why right now. I think this I really wants to be more than a door. How could I know if this is 'the real I' instead of another alter? I mean, most people on here do have a single person who lives life, and later becomes aware of others, right? I am just really curious about why I don't seem to have this.

We're very confused today, met someone yesterday who shook our system and exposed us so that has a big impact. I can hardly make sense of your posts. I wonder how the freck he was able to call on us, to activate us like that and why. Red flags maybe? Sorry off topic I know but SO SCARY. Yet liberating. Wow. Don't know if to be angry and scared or to be attracted.

TheCollective wrote:Would you mind explaining how you find this out, that is if you can? Is this 'real I' for as far as you've found out, a solid construct like the alters are? If so, then how do you know that this is the real I instead of another alter? Are the sense of humor, the animal love, traits your alters also possess? If so, doesn't feeling these traits make you switch to them?

Ok, perhaps I mislead you by using the term 'Real I'. I don't believe that there is a "core" to me who is the "real" me and everyone else are the alters. I believe that everyone are alters, including me. But instead of the shell that I use to house all the alters needed or all the alters who want to be there for an event, I can feel fully in the body and fully 'me'. It is that 'me' I call the real I.

-B

What is I is really simple, but it has been made so complicated.

The hosts are simply alters. All alters make up the Self, which is what we refer to as "I."

Alters are simply dissociated and compartmentalized parts of the personality. Every human has parts of the personality, but those with DID are compartmentalized and dissociated due to childhood trauma. In all humans the many parts of the personality make up the personality.

It's that simple.

I is everything that comprises my being. The feelings, the thoughts, the alters. This is all me, even if we are different parts of the same whole. All my different parts are different expressions of this existence.

This is no different than if you ask a singleton to take away all of their roles and defining moments in life, to strip away their beliefs and ask them who they are. We all exist in relation to one another and when you take everything away...well, what are we really? Formless. Free. Everything and nothing.

This sounds existential to me.

Just wanted to bring up this thread because one of us can relate to TheCollective's original post so well, and perhaps others may as well.

One of the therapists I interviewed, I asked her about this problem, and she encouraged me to define myself based on my life roles and relationships, external things, rather than internal qualities or subtle existential issues. I liked this therapist, but we were a bit skeeved by the idea of defining ourselves as what we are on the surface.

Thanks for the good post, TC.

This is something we are noticing ourselves lately and it seems to jump from one to another. some are very self-conscious in the sense of I, as being an alter and I am one myself. Just begin to notice that its very confusing. Like an onion analogy. Its an me-not me thing. I dont know if it is an blending and know 2 can be simultaniously out for example, if its subtle switching or not. Its more 2 are out and there is an sense someone may be in between. an overlapping maybe or some linking in an sense it "fills the gaps". an completing of fluidity and continuity. Now we are co-con to an extent and found myself talking yet an sense of "offness" in some stealth way. An overlapping bodies kind of thing.

So sense of I could be an collection of alters making up someone while at the same time we are pretty much distinct.
In Therapy we had that. an noticing of it. an spokesperson which causes kat to respond. Could be wolf but am not sure. just trying to communicate but its overwhelming to begin to notice this. Like its responsibility. Could be anyone or anything. So yeah. different senses of I. Its as if it passes/enters through an hallway, an third between 2 alters yet feels separated aswell.

It causes lots of questions amongst us in an sense of figuring out, existential system review.