Low dose Ibogaine - astonishing results!

Hi all,

I've held back writing about this for a couple of days now, just to make sure I'm not entirely kidding myself, but think it is safe to share now:

I've posted on here before about a drug called Ibogaine, which has been shown to have surprisingly good effects in the treatment of addiction, but also psychological conditions like depression and PTSD. The thread is here:

dissociative-identity/topic107512.htm

The articles we referenced in that thread seemed to imply that Ibogaine could possibly have a beneficial effect on a DID brain. Also, some researchers implied a link between trauma, addiction, and dissociation, or what they called "interhemispheric warfare" (we always found that funny )

an article about that here (but careful, pretty much impenetrable):

http://www.maps.org/news-letters/v08n1/08105and.html

Long story short, we've done some more research on it since and since we got our hands on some, decided to give it a shot. We used low (non-psychoactive doses) of 300 - 1500 mg powdered rootbark over the course of about a week. The results, so far, are beyond our wildest expectations.

- Gabriel and I (Ruby) have definitely integrated (well, at this stage "Gabriel and I" is not entirely correct since I am both of us now, but hey). This integration was some time coming now, but the Iboga has definitely made it happen. It was preceded by a phase of deep, emotional insight into the reasons Gabriel and I were separate in the first place. Once we saw this clearly, we also saw that there actually is no good reason for us to be separate any more. We went through a fairly awkward period of increasing blending over a couple of days, until we finally merged. We have been like this since - I am both of us. We even test-drove the integration by meeting up with Gabriel's best friend who normally reliably triggers him out - no switch. In fact I haven't switched at all in a week.

- This integration has changed my mood considerably. Ruby used to be the depressed and negative one in our system while Gabriel had a certain manic optimism to him (together they gave a pretty good impression of a bipolar person). Both these extremes have been gone since the integration, I feel stable and think I have a realistic outlook on life.

- I think there may have been more integrations, but everything is still a bit chaotic for now. Some alters are definitely still out there and I can hear them, but some I cannot find at all. At the same time, I find myself having feelings and thoughts that normally would be theirs. I don't want to prematurely declare them integrated, but it is possible that they are or at least that they are less separate now.

- My head is clear, a lot quieter than it used to be and weirdly, my brain feels different. before the Iboga, the right side of my brain felt like all lights were on in there, while the left side felt somehow dimmer and more clouded. Since the iboga, both are equally "light" (sorry if that doesn't make sense, but it is how it feels)

- Even on the sub-psychoactive dose (i.e. one that is not supposed to trip you out) I received insight into some traumatic issues. Specifically, I had visions of a few traumatic childhood situations I had not previously remembered. I experienced these from an observer-perspective, i.e. I saw what happened but did not re-experience the situation from a first-person perspective. Even more remarkably, I could then step into the situation and change it, i.e. interact with my child self and protect her.

- If anyone thinks all this sounds too good to be true, here's the catch: I also went through a phase (at the 1500 mils dosage) of intense psychic pain, despondency and depression (not fear though, weirdly). I used to have an alter whose job it was to beat me up psychologically, tell me my life was crap and had always been, nothing good ever happens to me, I am a worthless, hopeless person, etc, etc. At 1500 mils I was starting to trip out a bit and went through about 6 hours of this alter barrelling me with her crap at full volume. At the end of that (and I will not lie, I though for a bit I was going to die there) I suddenly realised that this was ME. I was doing this to myself and have done so for a long, long time. I don't know if that means this alter has integrated, but she has not been seen since.

- I still feel the Iboga working on my brain. The effects are cumulative, so taking it over the course of a week leaves quite a decent dose in your bloodstream. I can feel the effects very subtly, especially in terms of my memory getting better. I remember random things - not traumatic ones, more like whole chunks of my life coming back. I feel like my brain has been re-wound to about the state of a few years ago (before I went through some traumatic times that finally resulted in my DID crisis).

So, all in all, if that's what a micro-dose does then HELL I want to see what the full dose can do! (Mind you, this is not an endorsement. Iboga is serious medicine, as the hippies say, and I sure do not encourage anyone to just drop some. I do encourage you to do your own research though!)

Edit: to make this absolutely clear, DO NOT TRY THIS WITHOUT KNOWING EXACTLY WHAT YOU'RE GETTING INTO AND ESPECIALLY NOT IF YOU ARE TAKING ANY KIND OF PSYCH MEDS AS THIS CAN BE DEADLY. I don't want to be responsible for anyone damaging themselves

Not sure how to sign this - integration sure is a funny thing!

I'm so happy for you and this was so very interesting to read

Congratulations on the integration that is amazing

Signed,
I haven't decided for a name for myself yet after the integration so I know how you feel

Alex and I do a lot of work with psychedelics. We have tried many different kinds and have found that all of them have helped us heal in one way or another. We have not tried Ibogaine yet though. It was very interesting reading about your experience and it is wonderful to see that others with DID are finding healing with entheogens as well.

That is really interesting. Thank you for sharing! Right now, we're on the fence and too scared to try it ourselves, but maybe someday. I'm curious about the long-term effects. I know you can only post about your individual experience, but would you mind keeping us updated? I'd really like to know if your system is able to sustain the benefits and if you have to keep taking it to do that.

Also, I'm really happy for you! I'm so glad you've found something that's helping you so much!

Ruby and Gabriel @ tribeofone gave a link to a previous thread here but the link has a typo. Here is the repaired link: DID Forum: Our weird brain.

Ibogaine sounds like a very promising drug with multiple uses in psychopharmacology, but I would want to use it only under close supervision. Ideally, it would be used as part of a carefully planned treatment in a supportive hospital inpatient setting. The English Wikipedia article demonstrates why: it has significant physiological activity above and beyond its remarkable hallucinatory and dissociative activity.

For myself, I feel it is important to not go too fast. I need to be stable and very high functioning in my daily life. And I am extremely intense already. That is my native state. Things are moving along, changes are happening. Do I really need to accelerate the process more than I already do through encounters with other people who activate my system? Although on the one hand I would like to get it all over with already, I am impatient, on the other hand probably I am better off exercising patience.

Thanks Una+ for repairing the link, and you are right of course: for anyone, but especially for someone whose state of mind is fragile, supervision (both physiological and psychological) is imperative when using any kind of entheogen or psychedelic!

Also, I agree that timing is a consideration - any entheogen or psychedelic opens doors in one's mind and might wash up more than one is ready for. For us, this is a risk we are ready to take, but not without preparation and knowing roughly what we're doing.

Unlike Una+, I have to say at this stage, I'm impatient. Not so much in the sense that "I just want it to be over with" but in the sense that I'm sick and tired of wasting my life as a consequence of other people's shortcomings. Of course I could spend another two decades in therapy, going piece-meal though every bit of trauma and slowly piece myself back together - but in all honesty, when I read about the "long and ardurous" process that DID therapy is supposed to be, it makes me feel rebellious. I have wasted so much of my life to this, I am simply unwilling to sacrifice another day. I would rather face down whatever is there, because whatever it is, one of us has survived it already - so if they can, we all can.

Here's a bit of speculation - this is just what we have come to think, in the absence of any actual scientific studies, so not an expert opinion:

The reason we're specifically interested in Ibogaine is that on top of its psychedelic effects, it stimulates the growth of neural pathways in the brain. Since we know that in a DID brain, various brain regions are insufficiently wired up, we think that it could possibly speed up the process of repairing our hardware. Arguably, this is what therapy does - increasing communication and cooperation between parts helps to slowly, slowly regrow the neural connections between them. Ibogaine (possibly) could act like a neural super-fertiliser that helps to accomplish this in less time.

We see communication and cooperation as the "software-component" of the process and this is an absolute requirement for any kind of integration. But part of the reason therapy is so slow and ardurous is because brain plasticity is a slow process, and new neural pathways don't grow that fast. We think that, assuming the "software" is ready, Ibogaine could give us an opportunity to fix our hardware from the inside, faster and more efficient than would normally be possible.

As I said, all that is highly speculative, but we're ready to give it a shot. So far, the results are very promising, in that we seem to be arriving at an actual plan for further integration.
The Ruby/Gabriel integration seems to be holding, based on the fact that we have come to understand on a very deep level what the separation was about in the first place. Both Ruby and Gabriel are projections, they are something our abusers saw in us and that we have come to believe about ourselves. In a sense, Gabriel was all that our abusers liked about us while Ruby was all that they hated. The separation was imposed upon us by the abusers, and as such we now refuse to accept it.

The next step we can now see coming up is for both Ruby and Gabriel (or the new host) to step down completely and make space for the actual core to emerge - the person who remained untainted by the abuser's projections in the background. That will take some more work, because the core at this stage is a shy 11 year old girl with high degrees of social anxiety. She is making great progress - last night she ventured out around some safe people she likes and managed to stay out on her own for several hours, despite being terrified of people in general. We will now build her up a bit more until she can integrate with the host, which should give her all the necessary outside-world abilities - learning that other people won't hurt her is something only time can resolve.

I'm posting this as an example of how a system can manage its own process, if so desired. Of course, the same can be achieved working with a T over a longer period of time. This is a choice every system must make for themselves, and I don't want to start selling snake-oil on here or give people the impression they only have to drop a magic pill. I do think however that therapy for some systems is not a viable option (financially or otherwise) and that self-help may be the right choice for some. In that regard, I think it would be interesting for us to document and share experiments like this, which is why we do it.

Firstly, Ruby and company, this is a tremendously exciting development. I am so happy for you!

Secondly, I must point out that you did not take ibogaine: you took powdered root of the plant iboga. Iboga root has other alkaloids in addition to ibogaine, just as opium has other alkaloids in addition to morphine. I would want close medical supervision while taking either iboga or ibogaine because ibogaine is known to affect the heart and has been reported to cause sudden death.

Some authors describe a long and arduous process of therapy, but this varies considerably with the therapist! You have achieved a big integration and you attribute it to taking iboga, but as I recall your previous months' postings I am not persuaded that iboga was the main contributing factor. I think you were ready for this. I think you could have achieved this exact gain without the iboga. Please think about that!

You and I have discussed in public threads and some PMs our respective situations, which have some parallels. Those discussions have been an important part of my own process and recently my system has experienced some internal changes. I feel that I am approaching more integrations. I recognize the feeling from before my previous integrations.

Wikipedia: Tabernanthe iboga
Wikipedia: Ibogaine

Secondly, I must point out that you did not take ibogaine: you took powdered root of the plant iboga. Iboga root has other alkaloids in addition to ibogaine, just as opium has other alkaloids in addition to morphine. I would want close medical supervision while taking either iboga or ibogaine because ibogaine is known to affect the heart and has been reported to cause sudden death.

Touche! That is true, Ibogaine comes in several forms, depending on the method of alkaloid extraction (or non-extraction). The Tabernathe Iboga rootbark we took is (allegedly, I haven't tried the other methods) the "roughest" ride and it is what the traditional societies in Africa use for their initiations. In the West, particularly for drug-interruption, the extracted alkaloids or pure ibogaine are used. The sudden deaths seemed to be mainly related to people using opiates while under, but a responsible provider would always ask for a EKG and liver test before administering it, as a previous heart condition is not a good basis. If we go for a full dose, we will definitely do it this way!

Some authors describe a long and arduous process of therapy, but this varies considerably with the therapist! You have achieved a big integration and you attribute it to taking iboga, but as I recall your previous months' postings I am not persuaded that iboga was the main contributing factor. I think you were ready for this. I think you could have achieved this exact gain without the iboga. Please think about that!

Possibly. A large part of this is very likely the particular narrative that our system has developed about ourselves and our path. We did not enter into the experience as a lose collection of individuals, but as a team with a purpose and a clear goal. You could liken this to a member of a tribal society who approaches his/her initiation as a warrior or shaman with particular cultural ideas in mind. Without this cultural background, the "threshold" experience that they have when taking traditional drugs may be different or non-existent.

Gabriel, with his anthropology-geekism, paved the way for this by providing our system with a "cultural narrative" about integration, of which Iboga was a great part. With all psychedelics, intention goes a long way in terms of what the actual outcome will be, and without this preparation we might have had a very different experience. It is hard to say how much was the substance and how much was our expectation of the substance - in any case, a substance is only a tool, what you make of it counts.

Re narratives, though, that is also my current peeve with therapy - I feel that to some degree, all my therapy so far, with its focus on trauma, abuse, neglect and all the bad stuff in my past, has just helped me to string one negative memory after another until I had a self-narrative that made me the perpetual victim in my life. Surely all this stuff really happened - but by constantly focusing on it at the expense of everything else, I think I have made myself worse to some degree. A big part of healing for me now is to learn to tell myself a new story about myself(ves) - I see Iboga as a part of that, in the sense of being a ritual or an initiation that puts everything before into a new perspective.

In many tribal societies, shamans have to go though particular ordeals as part of their initiation - oftentimes, that involves being symbolically dismembered and having to put themselves back together. For me at least, seeing my DID from this perspective is a lot more empowering and meaningful that being a perpetual patient...

You and I have discussed in public threads and some PMs our respective situations, which have some parallels. Those discussions have been an important part of my own process and recently my system has experienced some internal changes. I feel that I am approaching more integrations. I recognize the feeling from before my previous integrations.

that sounds amazing! I'm very happy for you, you have always seemed like a very stable and sorted person, despite DID. That surely is the best basis to finally become whole!

When I say close medical supervision, I have in mind continuous monitoring via EKG, a crash cart, and someone on hand 24/7 who knows how to read the EKG and what to do in the event of cardiac distress or arrest. Ibogaine causes QT prolongation and that concerns me (see link below). It is one thing to use a folk alkaloid preparation in a community where everyone is familiar with it and in particular your own extended family has a history of use. That gives a lot of predictive power about how the preparation may affect you. It is another to use it in isolation.

Frankly, for purposes of repairing structural dissociation LSD sounds so much safer, at least for me. I know from a wide range of my own personal experiences that the so-called dissociative class of hallucinogenic drugs generally gives me a very bad trip. For example, the over-the-counter drug dextromethorphan is seriously nasty for me. I don't care for deliriant hallucinogens either. I prefer hallucinogens that are principally psychedelic. I also know that in general I am very sensitive to hallucinogens; I can trip from below the recommended dose of OTC drugs that generally have noticeable hallucinogenic properties only when taken in far above the recommended dose.

tribeofone wrote:Re narratives, though, that is also my current peeve with therapy - I feel that to some degree, all my therapy so far, with its focus on trauma, abuse, neglect and all the bad stuff in my past, has just helped me to string one negative memory after another until I had a self-narrative that made me the perpetual victim in my life.

That sounds like rather sucky therapy, I am sorry to say. This is an issue of real concern in the trauma psychotherapy community. For healing to occur, is it always necessary to do so much trauma work?

tribeofone wrote:you have always seemed like a very stable and sorted person, despite DID.

Thank you. I hear that a lot, actually, and similar comments: that my facade is really solid, that I have a remarkable unity of presentation, that I am certainly not overt. And yet I have a history of signs of DID and I endorse all the classic symptoms, and on occasion my structural dissociation is very apparent. As I have mentioned in some other threads, a 3-stage trauma therapy involves 1 safety and stabilization, 2 trauma work, and 3 integration. I have been doing mostly 1 and 3, with 2 only as needed to address specific problems in my current life.

Wikipedia: Long QT syndrome
Wikipedia: Hallucinogen

Ibogaine causes QT prolongation and that concerns me (see link below).

yeah - but so does MDMA and cocaine. Nevertheless, there are serious risks involved, I'm not arguing with that.

Frankly, for purposes of repairing structural dissociation LSD sounds so much safer, at least for me.

True, LSD has helped us uncover quite ab bit of our stuff, in profoundly life-changing ways. I haven't looked into it being used specifically for dissociation, but I know MDMA has been successfully used for that - for us, the MDMA effects have never held long though and we have managed to switch even while on it.

It does seem counter-intuitive to try to treat dissociation with dissociative drugs - but afaik they're called that because they dissociate the user from outside reality rather than themselves, like for us. Hence the dream-like states.

I also have to say, I don't really believe in "bad trips". Sure I've had some that were nasty while tripping, but at the end of the day I always learned something about myself. I don't regret any of these experiences. But now I'm sounding seriously retro

I also know that in general I am very sensitive to hallucinogens; I can trip from below the recommended dose of OTC drugs that generally have noticeable hallucinogenic properties only when taken in far above the recommended dose.

haha, now that sounds at least a bit enviable

That sounds like rather sucky therapy, I am sorry to say. This is an issue of real concern in the trauma psychotherapy community. For healing to occur, is it always necessary to do so much trauma work?

True. I've had this suspicion before - nature has given us the ability to repress things for a reason. I'm not sure it is always necessary to drag up each and every little fragment of abuse to heal. I also think it makes people more prone to possible false memory production, when they find something that is real but then the brain, as is its way, "fills in the blanks".

It is a bit of a catch 22 - some therapists think that you cannot heal unless all your trauma is recovered, so if you are trying to get better before that is the case, you must be in denial - back to square one...

Thank you. I hear that a lot, actually, and similar comments: that my facade is really solid, that I have a remarkable unity of presentation, that I am certainly not overt. And yet I have a history of signs of DID and I endorse all the classic symptoms, and on occasion my structural dissociation is very apparent. As I have mentioned in some other threads, a 3-stage trauma therapy involves 1 safety and stabilization, 2 trauma work, and 3 integration. I have been doing mostly 1 and 3, with 2 only as needed to address specific problems in my current life.

Glad to hear that is working for you. I think I'll go down the same route - I am fairly stable and safe just now and if there is more trauma that I absolutely need to know about it can come out or shut up