I Don't Know How to Feel TW

Before I start, let me state that the situation that happened was an accident. I in no way had no idea that what I did was with the Little of my boyfriend.

My boyfriend is starting to split again and the personalities are returning. Occasionally just for a few hours to even a day or two.

There was a personality that took over for a day and started talking to a friend of ours (my boyfriend and me) and said some things about one of his best friends. The friend of ours (girl) has a crush on his best friend (guy) and they are in the process of courting.

The thing is, that day, my boyfriend and I were intimate. It felt a little odd, but I let it go, thinking that it wasn't his day. That was about a week or two ago. And my boyfriend came out tome about this last Friday that some of the personalities are starting to take over for a day or more now.

I feel really horrible and confused because I feel like I abused a kid. But his body is my boyfriend, who is an adult. But at the same time, it was the alter that was doing all they could to turn me on and acting like my boyfriend. I feel like I was in the wrong and at the same time, I feel like the child alter is at the wrong for tricking me.

I don't know what to do. I feel disgusted at myself because I never would do such a thing to a kid. But then I'm like, "But the child alter is just a part of his mind's defense mechanism and not 'there' or 'real' in a physical sense". But at the same time, I'm like, "Regardless of the matter of real or not real, he's still a child".

I just feel very conflicted. I don't know what to think. My boyfriend told me to not worry about it because I was essentially with his body and that the child alter loves to play pranks and his pranks can get this out of hand. He also was telling me that at least I was able to sense that something wasn't right.

But the thing is, I just wish that I realized that it was not my boyfriend but one of the alters. I just feel stupid. I don't know if I cheated on my boyfriend or what... Honestly my brain is starting to hurt. And I want to know if anybody can shed some light on this

Am I bad for doing not digging on my feeling that something wasn't right? Is this an honest mistake? Are my feelings right for being upset with the child alter for doing this kind of prank? Did I do something bad to the child alter by having sexual intercourse with him, even though I thought he was my boyfriend?

I'm not sure what advice I can give, but know that this isn't at all your fault. Unless an alter says who they are, the only way to tell is based on actions. And since this alter was acting like your boyfriend, there was no way you would've known.

Anasui wrote:Am I bad for doing not digging on my feeling that something wasn't right?

Oh gosh no. his alters have just started reappearing.
Now you do know!

Anasui wrote:Are my feelings right for being upset with the child alter for doing this kind of prank?

Yes if it was on purpose then I think so its a natural reaction to being tricked.
no one likes to be pranked.

but are there any other reasons there could be why the little did this besides for pranks and games??

Anasui wrote: Did I do something bad to the child alter by having sexual intercourse with him, even though I thought he was my boyfriend?

as cold as it is yes. I've had a partner sexually come onto a 4 yrold little by mistake and it just seemed traumatise her.

All I can say is don't stress to heaviliy about it If you can talk to the little about it
Yes his prank did get out of hand but essentially it seems it didn't do to much harm.
don't under estimate a little in anyway...I had a little put a dress on a toy crocodile named peter and said it was a crossdressing crocodile.

spanky_spee wrote:

Anasui wrote:Are my feelings right for being upset with the child alter for doing this kind of prank?

but are there any other reasons there could be why the little did this besides for pranks and games??

Anasui wrote: Did I do something bad to the child alter by having sexual intercourse with him, even though I thought he was my boyfriend?

as cold as it is yes. I've had a partner sexually come onto a 4 yrold little by mistake and it just seemed traumatise her.

The only reason why I can honestly think of for why he would do those kinds of pranks is because he doesn't get to do much. He's the only kid alter in my boyfriend's system and is always surrounded by adults who are at least 1o years older than him. He's only around 1o or 11. And the second youngest is my boyfriend who is about to turn 21. Then the rest are in their late 2os to as old as 4o-5o years of age (one of the personalities jumps between the ages of 4o-5o). I can only assume that for the child alter, that system must be boring as hell because there are "serious" adults doing boring adult things and need to loosen up a bit more. At least, that's how I viewed adults when I was that age... And I can understand if that's why he's doing the pranks.

I don't know... Maybe he was curious about the opposite sex and wanted to test it out? I don't know. I know that kids that age somehow would get their hands on porn and stuff like that. Maybe because my boyfriend and I are dating, he thought that it would be a good opportunity to try something new? I don't know. I want to try and wrap my head around this, but I somehow either feel like I was somehow used, the butt of a joke, and a monster... Or turning the kid into a dirty little perverted prick (leaning to the second mainly due to my BPD)

The thing is, I am strongly passionate against child abuse. It's not cool. It's wrong. And I just feel horrible about the situation because I have experienced it and it's very difficult to deal with. But the thing is, the alter, from my impression on what my boyfriend told me, the child alter isn't that innocent. Sort of like Denis the Menace, but that he only gets people angry/upset for his own personal entertainment.

-- Mon Feb 25, 2013 10:15 pm --

Gerudo7 wrote:I'm not sure what advice I can give, but know that this isn't at all your fault. Unless an alter says who they are, the only way to tell is based on actions. And since this alter was acting like your boyfriend, there was no way you would've known.

I just feel stupid for even allowing it to get that far. The alter was acting like my boyfriend and was initiating the action. Like he wanted to do that. But every time I start analyzing the situation, I feel bad because a part of me wants to believe that little kids don't want to have sex. But this kid does. But I know that's not right. Shouldn't 1o year old boys think that girls are "icky" and "gross"?

Anasui wrote:The only reason why I can honestly think of for why he would do those kinds of pranks is because he doesn't get to do much. He's the only kid alter in my boyfriend's system and is always surrounded by adults who are at least 1o years older than him. He's only around 1o or 11. And the second youngest is my boyfriend who is about to turn 21. Then the rest are in their late 2os to as old as 4o-5o years of age (one of the personalities jumps between the ages of 4o-5o). I can only assume that for the child alter, that system must be boring as hell because there are "serious" adults doing boring adult things and need to loosen up a bit more. At least, that's how I viewed adults when I was that age... And I can understand if that's why he's doing the pranks.

Is there anyway your boyfriend can organise time for this or any other littles to do some kid things..
I'm nearly 20 but as wierd as it sounds I print of colouring pages own stuffed animals for my littles watch kids movies and shows..he may get a little embarrased you boyfriend allowing this to happen...But it'll probaly help.. you never know you you keep a eye on him play a smash em up game.. you can use the time to bond with the little in a positive way you never know he may have wanted attention from you.

I don't know... Maybe he was curious about the opposite sex and wanted to test it out? I don't know. I know that kids that age somehow would get their hands on porn and stuff like that. Maybe because my boyfriend and I are dating, he thought that it would be a good opportunity to try something new? I don't know. I want to try and wrap my head around this, but I somehow either feel like I was somehow used, the butt of a joke, and a monster... Or turning the kid into a dirty little perverted prick (leaning to the second mainly due to my BPD)

Curious...That makes sense maybe explain to him that tricking you isn't right and that you are willing to talk about anything and of course be willing to explain these things.

The thing is, I am strongly passionate against child abuse. It's not cool. It's wrong. And I just feel horrible about the situation because I have experienced it and it's very difficult to deal with. But the thing is, the alter, from my impression on what my boyfriend told me, the child alter isn't that innocent. Sort of like Denis the Menace, but that he only gets people angry/upset for his own personal entertainment.

I can't really help you with this on beside..Kids are kids whether they are naughty or not. He feels he gets upset he may not realise it. but he is a kid that needs love, attention and sometimes a firm telling off.

spanky_spee wrote:Is there anyway your boyfriend can organise time for this or any other littles to do some kid things..
I'm nearly 20 but as wierd as it sounds I print of colouring pages own stuffed animals for my littles watch kids movies and shows..he may get a little embarrased you boyfriend allowing this to happen...But it'll probaly help.. you never know you you keep a eye on him play a smash em up game.. you can use the time to bond with the little in a positive way you never know he may have wanted attention from you.

Curious...That makes sense maybe explain to him that tricking you isn't right and that you are willing to talk about anything and of course be willing to explain these things.

I can't really help you with this on beside..Kids are kids whether they are naughty or not. He feels he gets upset he may not realize it. but he is a kid that needs love, attention and sometimes a firm telling off.

I've talked to my boyfriend about this before. I actually wanted to take him out to eat and just chill and play cards. But most of the system either didn't care or they were against the idea of him going out. This situation that happened was the first time that he ever came out. And how he came out is unknown to everybody in the system. Especially because they all merged some time ago, but him doing that more or less proved that he is splitting again.

Anasui wrote:I've talked to my boyfriend about this before. I actually wanted to take him out to eat and just chill and play cards. But most of the system either didn't care or they were against the idea of him going out. This situation that happened was the first time that he ever came out.

Well I hope they can come to some sort of agreement that this little can come out it's unfair on the little. even if it's just inside the home all alters have the right to have some time out. i used to deny alters coming out and I because of it they become restless and angry swtiches became random and unstopable. most of them just wanted to come out and do the things they like to do or even spend time with the people they liked being around.(unless dangerous to others and the body)

I think it's great that your willing to do this to .

Anasui wrote:Especially because they all merged some time ago, but him doing that more or less proved that he is splitting again.

I don't know much about intergration.
but I do know alters either hide or the person 'respilts' or both.
and that intergration can take a few times before progress is made.

spanky_spee wrote:Well I hope they can come to some sort of agreement that this little can come out it's unfair on the little. even if it's just inside the home all alters have the right to have some time out. i used to deny alters coming out and I because of it they become restless and angry swtiches became random and unstopable. most of them just wanted to come out and do the things they like to do or even spend time with the people they liked being around.(unless dangerous to others and the body)

I think it's great that your willing to do this to .

I don't know much about intergration.
but I do know alters either hide or the person 'respilts' or both.
and that intergration can take a few times before progress is made.

That makes sense on allowing some of the alters to come out. The thing is, my boyfriend can get VERY paranoid if some of them do come out. Recently, besides the little, an other personality came out and they ended up doing the things they needed to do. Afterwards, they ate like 5 Krispy Kream donuts because they are crazy about it. If you let them, that would be the ONLY thing that alter would eat. They just love donuts. That, and also, he was threatening to cause the body to cheat on me with some beautiful women if I didn't help him "release" some stress... fml...

But I asked them about the merging process and how it felt like, and they told me that he never really merged, he was just dormant and that most of the alters, including himself, did a partial merge, where they did merge enough with him to make my boyfriend think that they were gone, but not enough as a way that they could come back.

He also ended up explaining to me about how they are able to switch more. There are two types for them, a natural switch where the alters all plan out who will go out and who doesn't and a forced switch. A forced switch is when my boyfriend or any of the alters has an extreme emotion or if a person that evokes a strong emotion on my boyfriend does a particular action. The only one who is able to bypass that action, however, is the little because of his age, he still does not understand fully emotions of love and hate.

I might do a suggestion to my boyfriend about actually allowing some of the alters to come out for a bit. Not to just do things for him (majority of them are getting REALLY tiered of it) but to just have a relaxing day outside in the real world. How he can pull that off this semester, I have no idea since he has class every day and knowing some of the alters, they are either going to reject that idea of having class for an entire day or they will mess with him by either not taking the class or doing a switch in the middle of the class and cause him to miss the class essentially.

I'm sorry both you and your boyfriend are going through difficult times right now, and I'm sorry that this happened. Definitely don't feel too bad about it, since there was no way you could've known that it wasn't your boyfriend unless the alter had identified themselves. It's unfortunate that it happened, but it's no one's specific fault.


I wasn't able to read everything in detail, as I'm fuzzy right now, so I'm not sure if this is relevant or helpful, but here's a thread that discusses littles, and has some good things about how to help littles who are used to sexual things and still try to be sexual:

http://www.psychforums.com/dissociative-identity/topic103295.html


Best of luck with everything.


-Cassandra

Anasui wrote:I might do a suggestion to my boyfriend about actually allowing some of the alters to come out for a bit. Not to just do things for him (majority of them are getting REALLY tiered of it) but to just have a relaxing day outside in the real world. How he can pull that off this semester, I have no idea since he has class every day and knowing some of the alters, they are either going to reject that idea of having class for an entire day or they will mess with him by either not taking the class or doing a switch in the middle of the class and cause him to miss the class essentially.

That a good Idea to suggest
to allow some alters to switch out and do some things. class Is hard to juggle.
Maybe for short periods after class or weekends.
Most of my school life was switching so it was abit hectic but I wasn't aware of my DID at the time.
But in class learning to attend socialise and learn in general really helped them all understand resposibilitys and even respect for the host and there job.

Anasui wrote:That makes sense on allowing some of the alters to come out. The thing is, my boyfriend can get VERY paranoid if some of them do come out. Recently, besides the little, an other personality came out and they ended up doing the things they needed to do. Afterwards, they ate like 5 Krispy Kream donuts because they are crazy about it. If you let them, that would be the ONLY thing that alter would eat.

we have a MEAT obsessed alter Barry.. we have laid out some ground rules with that.
We have low iron levels so it's good he has this instinct but.
rules are very important he shouldn't be restricted from enjoying but have a limit on how much.

Anasui wrote:That, and also, he was threatening to cause the body to cheat on me with some beautiful women if I didn't help him "release" some stress... fml...

that is a bit cold but. I have alter that have threatened to destroy relationships..
abit awkward but Maybe you could suggest healthy masterbation 3 times a week for males I think it it is.suggest some other relaxation techniques. ask why is he so stressed and what getting him down. suprise this alter with a bath or a favorite meal.
ask is there another reason why he would do that because it could upset everyone including you if he did.

Anasui wrote:But I asked them about the merging process and how it felt like, and they told me that he never really merged, he was just dormant and that most of the alters, including himself, did a partial merge, where they did merge enough with him to make my boyfriend think that they were gone, but not enough as a way that they could come back.

I'm still not sure but this sounds common but it does sound like progress was made.