Why Bother?

Who cares if someone tells you that they think you're making this up? You know what's real. You know what goes on inside your life and mind better than some doctors would. You know what you experience and feel. If someone thinks that you're making this all up, either they didn't evaluate you correctly, they don't believe in DID, or they're unfamiliar with dissociative disorders (or they're just plain bad therapists). Remind yourself that you know what's real, you know what's true, and make lists of the symptoms you've felt, the dissociative experiences you've had, the proof that it is DID, and read it whenever sh*t gets hard. Know that just because they're therapists doesn't mean they're always right, nor does it mean that they'll always be competent, and realize that while there is a chance that they could not "catch" anything, that doesn't mean there's nothing there, and it certainly doesn't mean you're making this up. Stay strong in what you know to be true, and don't give a flying f*#k about what other people say or tell you, especially if they obviously don't know what they're talking about. No competent therapist should evaluate you and go "yup, faking". Because even if this wasn't DID, you are still having symptoms of something, you are still experiencing something, you are still struggling with something, and that something is very real, and cannot just be written off as "you're making this up".

~L.C.

I'm the opposite. I specifically told my T not to diagnose me, while I am sure he has in his mind a diagnosis, we haven't had the official conversation. Everyone is different, and I wanted in someway also to feel like I am not making it up. Thought that a diagnosis might help that, but the worry that it would define me was greater. I've been defined in the past by a medical illness and I hated it. Not that many people would actually know the diagnosis, it just wasn't for me.

My T does use the words "dissociation, and dissociative" regularly, so I guess I already know at some level that it is a dissociative disorder, DDNOS likely. But for me I'm probably not ready for any sort of label.Because what does it mean anyway? we all are somewhere unique on the spectrum and will have our own way to heal.

But what did help is that my husband read one of my books "finding normal". My H and I also don't talk about a diagnosis but he has used the word dissociate as well. When he read the book, he commented how there were so many parallels in that book between the woman and me. How he can now see how bad parenting can lead to this kind of thing. He had to come to terms on it on his own. His own time and his own way. While I know you have more open conversations with your H than I do, it might help for him to read something, not the lists of what it means to have a dissociative disorder, but someone's personal account. The thing about "finding normal" is that she does have DDNOS, which is closer to my experiences. The book is not that readily available. I bought it used from the UK, but overseas shipping was cheap.

Not sure this helps, just thought I would suggest.

tomboy24 wrote:Who cares if someone tells you that they think you're making this up? You know what's real.

I care, sadly. And I don't know. Not for certain. Hence the need for a diagnosis.

SamsLand wrote:While I know you have more open conversations with your H than I do, it might help for him to read something,

We don't really have open conversations. I've mentioned all this, but I don't think he'll really believe it until/unless there's a diagnosis. After that, then yes, reading might help. I'm in the UK so I'll try to find the book you mentioned.

I meant you know what's real in the sense that this obviously isn't nothing, and you're obviously not making any of this up. Even if this isn't DID, you still have symptoms, you still have experiences that require an explanation, you still have voices, you still have alters/parts, etc. So you know that SOMETHING is real, and that you aren't making anything up, because if you were, you wouldn't have consistent symptoms or anything like that.

And I know you care, otherwise you wouldn't have posted this, but sometimes you have to try to only care about you, what you think, what you know, what you see, and not give a sh*t about what someone else says, especially if it's obviously wrong. If any therapist tells you that you're faking or making this up, then they're obviously wrong, and shouldn't be given a second thought or any time of day.

~L.C.

Owleyes wrote:Oh yeah, I know it's important. I've been through a ton of sh*t to get to the stage of even having an appointment. And now I have, terror is winning out. Sh*t scared of getting diagnosed and it all being too much for me and falling apart. Sh*t scared of being told nothing's wrong with me and I'm making it all up. All too confusing, stressful and terrifying. Much easier just to forget about it and go on living my life as I always have.

No offense, Owleyes, but I'd rather be in your position. I'd rather be terrified and confused and stressed out if it means I have a chance at getting a diagnosis. I'd rather be worried about what the results are going to be than be stuck here wondering if I'll ever get to that stage, if I ever will be able to get a diagnosis. I want to be evaluated so badly... I don't care what it entails, how hard it is, and I don't want it for validation, I want it for therapy reasons, so that I can get the help I need and be on the right track. I'd rather be living in terror right now, worried about a result, knowing that I'll at least get a result even if it might be wrong, than sitting here, wondering and trying to figure out if I can get evaluated and how, and even then, wondering and figuring out when I can begin to work on getting one...

-Cassandra

Just wanted to say that I'm thinking of you. It might not feel worth it, but it's worth it for that very same reason: if it feels so desperate, odds are it's important to you and in the end worth it to persevere. Hope that made some sense

Best of luck

I've been thinking about what you said Owleyes about whether we start believing in DID because we read about it and not because it is real. But let me ask you, have you browsed other areas like BPD, etc and find it was a fit? For me no, I was seriously thinking it was GID for the longest time, until the more I read, the more it didn't feel right. I was decidedly sometimes female and sometimes male. Also for me, reading about DID gave me the language I needed to describe my experiences. I didn't know how to express how I felt inside and it is only after reading this forum and countless articles, I was able to identify and describe how I was feeling inside. And since it seems everyone's fractured sense of self is different, there is no need to feel you are the "same" as others with DID or even feel that you don't have it because you don't fit the full DID description. For me I know I dissociate, I know I have a fractured self, and I know it impacts the way I function today, especially in relationships. I also know many of us have attachment issues. And knowing this for me is enough (for now) and I no longer worry about if I fit a certain therapist's opinion on what constitutes a DID diagnosis.

Did you decided to get the evaluation done. It sounds like it might bring some inner peace and help battle the denial.....

lifelongthing wrote:Just wanted to say that I'm thinking of you. It might not feel worth it, but it's worth it for that very same reason: if it feels so desperate, odds are it's important to you and in the end worth it to persevere. Hope that made some sense

Best of luck

Thank you. Your support means a lot to me.

SamsLand wrote:have you browsed other areas like BPD, etc and find it was a fit?

Yes I have, and no it wasn't There are certainly aspects of BPD (for example) that I can relate to, but overall, no.

SamsLand wrote:reading about DID gave me the language I needed to describe my experiences. I didn't know how to express how I felt inside and it is only after reading this forum and countless articles, I was able to identify and describe how I was feeling inside.

Same here. As weird as it seemed at first, this was the first time I'd been able to feel anything other than a 'freak' or an alien. It fits, no matter how much parts of me would like to pretend it doesn't. Yes, I'm going ahead with the evaluation (although I'm scared sh*tless ). Have also contacted a new therapist. We'll see how it goes.

We're so proud of you for going through with the evaluation

We're here for you