Why Bother?

I'm waiting for an appointment for the SCID-D to (hopefully) get a diagnosis. And something weird is going on. I've been struggling with denial for well over a year now, and I finally reached a point a few months ago where I had to 'agree to disagree' with the denial part because the conflict was just ripping me apart. So, the full-on denial has died down, and I'm able to consider all the evidence and conclude that I probably do have a dissociative disorder. Evidence like: losing time, and not just little bits, days; the fact that my husband tells me I'm like 'a different person', or even that my face has changed ; sitting in the background watching myself do and say things I would never do and say. But since arranging this appointment, I have slowly become less and less convinced that any of this matters. I was so keen to get into therapy, to communicate with parts, to get a diagnosis. Now, I've quit therapy, I barely ever try to communicate, and I keep thinking getting the assessment is a ridiculous waste of time and money. Rationally, I know this is just denial in another guise, but it is so tempting just to forget the whole thing, pass it off as some temporary insanity, and go back to living my life as I always have. So. How do I keep myself motivated?

Hi Owleyes,

I used to do this for years, so I'm very sympathetic to your situation. Not sure in what relation you stand to the part that is in denial, but essentially, that part is just doing his/her job, the job they came into this world to do. This is meant to help you and your system, and I know from my own experience that it is extremely hard to override because it goes against the denial part's entire existence. They would very likely feel that if they let up on the denial, they would be betraying all of you.

So don't be too harsh on them, but follow through - in my case (and i used to be the denier) actually getting a diagnosis was the last straw to believing that my alters were real (never mind the fact we had already lived as a collective for ages). I had a bout of full-on depression when this happened, because I felt I was now useless and had failed at my job. But it is possible to change what one does and I have other things to do now that are just as important.

If all else fails, you can always agree to do the assessment even though you are convinced it is bs - so what, people do pointless things all the time. At least then you will have something concrete to look at when you feel you want to give the possibility another chance. I remember sitting in the T's office when i got mine and thinking: "man, this guy is crazier than me, wtf am I spending this much money on???". But eventually, it did help.

Best, Ruby

Sometimes when I read your posts I have to check inside to make sure I didn't write them! I know exactly how you feel, and given my recent post touches a similar topic, i can't really offer a solution. I am too really not motivated atm, but I can say I have had some clarity through therapy. I guess is the question is how much of your dissociation is disrupting your life atm? Communicating with parts has been very rewarding. I understand now, why I have different ways of looking at the world, different ways of reacting, say things I don't feel I mean, or mean things I can't have the courage to say. Understanding the compartmentalization has helped me cope. But I am sitting with you on that denial bench wondering why I should get off my ass and go to therapy. Do the assessment, and then you have that for the parts that are not in denial. All the parts need something, and the one that is protecting you against understanding what this is all about is very good at doing what they are here to do, like tribeofone pointed out. Complement them and give the other parts the assessment they want, if part of you wants it then part of you will feel better.....

Tribeofone, yet again you make me realise something that should be blindingly obvious and isn't. I've even said it myself many times, that denial has an important and positive function. Yet I still fail to give this part the credit s/he deserves.

SamsLand wrote:I guess is the question is how much of your dissociation is disrupting your life atm?

It's come close to destroying my marriage I have to do something, and yet at the same time actually doing anything feels harder and harder.

It is hard to give the parts in denial respect, especially when they counter what you are specifically trying to do. I have been at it with K for what feels like all of time over the denial issues while I am trying to increase communication with the parts.

I nearly destroyed our marriage. I didn't fall in love with my husband (another part did) and I had to learn to love him during very stressful and triggering times (hindsight is 20/20 on this one, at the time I had no idea what was going on). He would say things like "i don't know who you are anymore" and I would say "i don't know if I love you". If you can, embrace the parts that love him, or why they do. And the therapy helped with identifying the compartmentalization of, among things, feelings for my husband. And now that I know I needed something different from him, I have fallen deeply in love with him. So assuming you want to keep your relationship, getting to know yourself better will help you immensely in relationships. And help you avoid the problematic ones we keep getting in to (for me this is with friends). IT is hard, very hard and not all parts will approve your decision to get in to therapy. Denial apparently keeps us functioning until someone is in control who really desires to let everyone have a say. And in my case denial only avoids relationships, doesn't help fix them.

Sam

SamsLand wrote: nearly destroyed our marriage. I didn't fall in love with my husband (another part did) and I had to learn to love him during very stressful and triggering times (hindsight is 20/20 on this one, at the time I had no idea what was going on). He would say things like "i don't know who you are anymore" and I would say "i don't know if I love you". If you can, embrace the parts that love him, or why they do.

Yes! This is exactly what's happening! The part who fell in love with him has disappeared. He's the love of her life. I like him well enough, but I'm not in love with him. And he knows that and he can't figure out why, and I know I'm hurting him. I'm not even honest enough to say 'I don't know if I love you' like you were. I know the part that loves him is still around, but I can't get back in touch with her. I'm terrified of telling him the truth, partly because I don't know if he'll understand and partly because it feels like a lie (denial again).

I could have written that post as well. I vacillated through that whole "why bother" so many times. It's felt like getting the diagnosis has ruined my life and also made meaning of my life. Very contradictive and strong feelings. I went through months of anger at my T and totally regretting therapy. Therapy has been so hard due to the switching, the anxiety about the switching, and then all the subsequent headaches. But ive never missed an appointment. It is worth it in the long run. But there are parts that sabatoge progress. There are parts that create issues in relationships. Working on identifying all this and relating in a healthy way is most definitely worth all the pain and anxiety of getting to appts. I agree that those parts do serve a positive role even though they seem to sabatoge. They are still protecting you from pain events discomfort. I'm also going through same thing in relationship wherev not all if me wants to be married. This is a huge issue that is not resolved....

OK, I have tried twice to post a reply to this and it's crashed both times, so I will reply tomorrow (Bet it'll work this time, just to piss me off...)

Edit: Dammit!

We'd give anything to even be able to start the process of getting a diagnosis... We so want one, not to validate things for ourselves, but to be able to be taken seriously, to be able to have an official diagnosis to lower the amount of other people who question us, and to be able to begin getting the help we need via having a diagnosis to help point therapists and such in the right direction. We're looking into all of our options to get this process going, but currently, nothing has panned out yet...

We think you are so lucky, Owleyes. We'd love to have a chance to go through the steps of getting a diagnosis, no matter how hard it may get at times...

As for the motivation, sometimes you just have to know that this is something you need, and have to force yourself to do it. Motivation can't always be found or kept up, sometimes you just have to realize "I need to do this, this will be good for me in the long run even if I can't see how it's helpful right now", and then just keep hanging in there.


Best of luck with everything. Hope things get better for you soon.


- ??? (mixture)

Oh yeah, I know it's important. I've been through a ton of sh*t to get to the stage of even having an appointment. And now I have, terror is winning out. Sh*t scared of getting diagnosed and it all being too much for me and falling apart. Sh*t scared of being told nothing's wrong with me and I'm making it all up. All too confusing, stressful and terrifying. Much easier just to forget about it and go on living my life as I always have.