Hey **Trigger**

We're about to go to visit our old city. I don't want to. We'll have to see people that I don't want to see. I will explode. Leslie (Host) thinks it's all on purpose, but I can't help it. I don't know why I react so crazily to everything. I can't be in public, around girls, or loud noises. I don't know how to be calm. Oh and the anger kills me. I get so angry and I think terrible thoughts and then I get upset and I want to cut, but Leslie doesn't let me. I even showed her in a dream what it would be like, but she won't do it.

I don't want to go back there, but then again, I can't just not come out when I have to see people who hurt us. I feel like I have to do something about it because Leslie never want to offend anyone for any reason so we won't ever get things taken care of.

and a thought crossed my mind...what if one day Asher (Our boyfriend) and Leslie breaks up in the future? I know he's only with me because of her. If they ever split up then he would leave me without a second thought probably. So, now I'm struggling in the relationship. He doesn't even really know me. I'm scared to talk to him because I might run him off. I think I love him...I mean, I can't know for sure because I'm not sure if he would stick by me like I would him if Leslie was out of the picture. He doesn't even like guys in that way.

None of my friends are really mine. They are Leslie's. Leslie is my friend. We fight sometimes, but we still have good moments. I'm just lonely. I want to be able to be me entirely but then I'll getweird looks and nobody will view me as me. They'll see her.


-Logan

First of all, Logan, technically you and Leslie are the same person, so her friends could be your friends as well. Although we agree, it is rather daunting to go about opening up to friends and sharing your situation with them. (This is why we finally made Cassandra come out on Facebook to everyone we know). I thought we were going to be using colors like we agreed upon? Anyway, I can understand what it's like to get intense emotions and dread going to places and seeing people you used to know and who used to hurt you. Just try to keep in mind that this is not the past, they are not hurting you now, you are ok now, you can help Leslie stand up for yourselves now, and you are ok. As for the public-girls-loud noises stuff, I can relate to that too, or at least, Shay can relate to the public and loud noises stuff. Try some grounding techniques like taking deep breaths, counting to ten, self-talk to reassure yourself that you're ok and safe and everything's ok, self-talk to help yourself stay "here" and just narrating what's going on to yourself, maybe recite some favorite song lyrics to yourself or something, perhaps carry a "safety object"- something like a keychain or a small stuffed animal or something that helps you to feel calm/safe, wear an article of clothing you like that might help you, pick something else to focus on like how the sky looks, any flowers around you, even the sidewalk, etc., and overall just try to remind yourself that you are ok and everything is ok.

Self-harm won't help anything. It might seem to help, but it doesn't, and you're only hurting yourself and Leslie when you do it, so I'm glad that Leslie won't do it. She should never do it. It's not a healthy coping technique.

Instead, try to write about your anger if you're able to, write out your thoughts, maybe draw out your thoughts, try wearing a rubber band around your wrist and snapping it, listen to some angry music, scream into a pillow, stuff like that.

As for the boyfriend, both you and Leslie are young. You might not stay together forever, but then again you might. Don't worry yourself about the "what-ifs" of the future, because all you're going to do is stress yourself out over questions you can't answer, and that's not helpful to anyone. Try to focus on the here and now, on the present. As for thinking you might like him romantically, have you tried perhaps sharing this with Leslie? And indeed, if he is a straight guy, and Leslie was out of the picture, that would make you a guy with a guy's body, and so he probably wouldn't be with you, but that's nothing you can help. Not only that, but if Leslie's the host and is out most of the time, why would he be there for anyone but Leslie, especially if he does't now about her DID? Maybe talk to Leslie about your desires to talk to him and such. And here, this thread might be helpful to both you and Leslie:

-- Girlfriend explained to me that she has Alters (discusses how to go about handling a relationship with a DID system/alters): http://www.psychforums.com/dissociative-identity/topic101047.html
I know it's directed toward the SO that doesn't have DID, but it's still packed full of useful and helpful information and such.


Maybe until you and Leslie reach a point where you can start talking to friends about this, or until you meet some new people who you can start out friendships by saying "Hey, by the way, I have DID, this is what it is, this is how it works, just so you know, hope we can still be friends", perhaps make some friends on here for now? And perhaps you can work out a compromise to where maybe you can have time to just be yourself, even if it's alone for now?


-Cassandra