Is this DID or something else? *TRIGGER WARNING**

In tenth grade I began sensing 'presences' inside of me. A girl with a British accent would frequently tell me off for being irresponsible and dumb. I deemed her my conscious, yet she had an appearance and a name: Jane. While she would tell me off, a 17 year old boy would speak in a calmer and kinder voice with Jane. They would often argue back and forth. I didn't know his name, but I knew it started with an L. I felt another girl too, who seemed to be blonde (15) and lived in her own world of what seemed to be childish adolescent rebellion. Her name also started with an L.

Anyway, the voices were somewhat like imaginary people. I couldn't decide anything about them. I just 'knew'. I didn't think much of it. I have always had to live in my own fantasy world growing up. They weren't direct voices. Just loud thoughts. Jane made me feel like rubbish, but you know, it helped keep me in line. The boy helped cheer me up, so it was fine. Part of me felt like I could control these voices, but if I could, why couldn't I decide what was said or how the people were? Subconscious?

Anyway, I always have had internal voices. That was normal. As quickly as they came, they left. Meh. A little phase. I was fine without them. But, I finally got out of my unstable household to live in a better environment two years later. 18 years old and out of the blue I feel that boy presence again and begin having dreams that I am him. In the first one, he literally was coming out of somebody's body! Like flying out of it and when I woke up...BAM! I sat up in bed with a gasp, in complete shock that I wasn't him. Then I sobbed because I felt like I wasn't real.

Then I went through this process where I thought I was bigender. Maybe that was why I wanted desperately to dress like a guy and act like one at random. The fact was that my 'guy mode' was too different. His interest were opposite and I would talk to him in my head like a long lost friend. Maybe a twin or something. I tried to stop myself, but I couldn't. I got such comfort from his presence. I never had to decide on stuff about him like i did the character sin my stories. I just knew. I found out that his name was Logan.

Later on, I began feeling him say that people were laughing at us when they were simply laughing at a joke or something. He always said this and I could never sway him. He also hates most girls a lot and I think it could be from *TRIGGER WARNING* Females sexually abusing me in child hood. *End warning** He seems to find girls attractive, but not emotionally unless they are in the 'system.' He seems to be quite perverted too. (Which I'm not in the slightest. Ew!)

I began feeling Lori too. She has a really dirty mouth and is just as rebellious in nature as she was in tenth grade. I also felt this little girl version of myself who seems to be about three. She goes by my nickname at that age, Lulu. She seems scared. When I feel her, a lot of my childhood fears return.

Anyway, I don't know what to think. Am I really DID? My therapist hasn't said anything, but I have only had one appointment. Lori was throwing a fit and Logan was mad too. I have been battling with thoughts that I'm blowing this out of proportion too. I don't remember chunks of my childhood, but I don't notice much missing time. That could be because I have such a routine life and nothing new EVER happens. I'm not social either so nobody tells me anything. I usually trance out and can't focus anyway. I zone out even at times where I'm interested and people often have to ask me to repeat things that they have said to me. That could just be a teenaged thing, though. I dunno. My brain just feels clouded and I can't stop staring forward. Afterwards, I usually get a migraine.

**TRIGGER WARNING**
Before therapy I felt like Logan's voice was urging me to cut. He does that a lot. I have had dreams where he did this too. I was him, but he was me...It was weird. We looked like him, but to everyone else, I was me. He got us to cut because in the dream we were stressed out by a teacher yelling at us.*End trigger*

Anyway, there are panic attacks along with this and paranoia. Maybe I've been reading so much about DID that I've convinced myself I have it? Maybe I'm reading too much into it. I just know that before therapy a lot of the loud thoughts in different voices were screaming at me and telling me that I would be accused of lying and that I was lying. There was a screaming match in my head between Logan and I. These others were screaming that it was fake, but Logan and a new girl was telling me otherwise. They insisted that they had been trying to hide it from me. I just don't know if I'm doing this or if they mean it.

The new girl was kind and said, "Hey, Sweetie....If you were faking, then you'd pass this test. Tell me what your name is, your age, and something you like to do without thinking about it." and I said: "My name is Leslie. I am 16 years old and I like to play." What was weird is that I'm 18 and I most certainly don't like to 'play'. I didn't sleep at all last night. Too stressed and unsure of everything.

What do you guys think? Be honest.

I know it's a common worry to have, and it's understandable, and no offense meant to you, but people have to use A LOT of conscious effort to convince themselves they have DID, much less actually start acting like it without actively trying. A LOT of conscious effort, meaning you'd have to actually try and consciously act like you have DID all the time for a long time, and then possibly, possibly, you might start to believe it's real yourself.

I wasn't able to read through in detail, as I'm fuzzy right now and have some stuff going on, but from what I read, it sounds like you could definitely be on the right track looking into DID.

My suggestion would be to look through these two threads, and see if any symptoms, experiences, etc., "fit" you, or if you identify with any feelings, experiences, etc., and if you do, then I would start considering the strong possibility of you having DID.


-- This thread contains DID resource websites along with organized threads from this site that discuss discovery experiences, symptoms, common questions, how to communicate with alters, conflicts within the system, therapy issues, doubt/denial issues, how to accept/understand and work with alters, and much more:
- DDNOS/DID Resources: http://www.psychforums.com/dissociative-identity/topic100829.html


-- This thread focuses on the "causes" of DID, DID development, switching/co-consciousness/co-hosting, terminology (like alter, host, EP, ANP, etc), doubt/denial issues, and has a couple good threads on communicating/accepting/understanding alters:
- For all who question how they have DID/think their's is odd: http://www.psychforums.com/dissociative-identity/topic104081.html


Other than that, welcome! And I hope this place is helpful to you.


-Cassandra

Hornet339 wrote: A girl with a British accent would frequently tell me off for being irresponsible and dumb.

remind me of the beginning of highschool for Nel
oh and welcome! - Barry

hi and welcome

Thank you! I have been reading a lot of threads on here and I HAD to join because you all seemed so helpful and welcoming. ^^

This place is very safe, supportive, understanding, and helpful! I hope to reply a bit more soon when I'm better able to. But know that you're certainly not alone in your experiences, thoughts, worries, or feelings!

-Cassandra

Wow! Most everything you shared struck a chord with me! That's crazy! Welcome to the forums, everyone here is absolutely wonderful from my experience. This is indeed a safe an supportive place.

Hornet339 wrote:Maybe I've been reading so much about DID that I've convinced myself I have it? Maybe I'm reading too much into it.

This hits home, 100%. After quite a bit of thought and advice from people here on the board (Cassandra and hers especially, thank you again!) I've come to figure that (again, like Cassandra said here) it would take a lot of effort that I (and it seems to me that you) never put into this sort of thing. I also start to wonder about the psychologists and such that study DID. Wouldn't there be more press if people who read about this accidentally "gave" it to themselves? Those are just my two cents.

Then everything with the gender identity and the others just telling about themselves instead of me having to make it up like with my characters! Oy vey! I'm no doctor, but I'm not saying it's nothing, you know?

Welcome to the forums.
-Gabrielle

We are quite familiar with the issues you have presented. Please feel free to PM us if you need to talk, we (Janus, Gabrielle and myself) are nearly always available. It sounds to me that you should listen to Logan and the new girl when they say that they are there and real. It will take quite some time to adjust but with proper support and the effort to communicate and understand these others, things can go more smoothly than not which is always preferable to the alternative. Take a few deep breaths and do your best to calm yourself. Everything will be alright.

- Eric

Welcome, dear!It's a pleasure to meet you!Sorry we can't talk very much at the moment.But we wanted to say hello!

~Maria - Janus

Thank you all! This has been the only place on the internet that was cooling down my thoughts that I'm just an attention seeking person. I mean, I have only told a few people who are really close to me because of the overwhelming stress it's caused and I know they won't tell anyone. I just fear therapy. There were some voices completely furious with me about going. Another thing about Logan is that I feel his panic every time anyone mentions merging. He's actually gone into a full blown panic attack once when it was mentioned by my boyfriend. Actual screaming and hysterical sobbing. It didn't feel like it was from 'me'. I could feel the intensity. If I was faking, I don't feel like that would happen.

Hornet339 wrote:attention seeking person.

One thing I have noticed other people and sometimes internal people will say this but definately not the case. I watched my host get belittled as a human being herself by others... so I want to kill some more doubt hopefully no you aren't attention seeking don't listen!!!!! -Barry

Hornet339 wrote:I just fear therapy.

We haven't ever been to proper theraphy. but we do fear the idea of but on here you can easily ask advice on this subject many are going through theraphy -barry

Hornet339 wrote:There were some voices completely furious with me about going.

Yeah I reacted Like that even before my host even knew I exsisted it frightened her but make sure you relax.If you do have DID alts will rebel because highest likely afraid of being chucked in a cell or being known I would say 'we won't go unless we are willing' which is true don't force it. would you force your friend suffering let's say... suffering with bi-polar and won't take her meds you can advise them it's a good idea but ultimately forcing them won't do anything. Talk discuss but first relax the system.-Barry

Hornet339 wrote:He's actually gone into a full blown panic attack once when it was mentioned by my boyfriend. Actual screaming and hysterical sobbing. It didn't feel like it was from 'me'. I could feel the intensity.

Tell him relax merging can't happen until alts are ready themselves. it is a very scary subject for many of us. nothing can be forced and if you do it can do more damage than good -Barry

Hello! Dunno if I can help or not, but I'll try.

Hornet339 wrote:Thank you all! This has been the only place on the internet that was cooling down my thoughts that I'm just an attention seeking person.

Yeah... Unfortunately what people don't realize is that the truth is, people with DID want to hide, that's why they have alters in the first place. The whole point of a DID system is to help the host/one that's "out" the most cope and function while seeming as normal and ok as possible. So, no attention seeking going on at all there. But people with DID still fear (and often) that they're just attention seeking people or liars or that they're faking. This is 'cause denial and doubt is like, a reflexive defensive mechanism that your brain does because like I said, the whole point of DID is to help you seem as "normal" and "ok" as possible, and so if everything's obvious, alters, systems, etc., then that's not exactly helping them to seem normal or ok. So the brain goes into denial and floods itself with doubts to try and hide again and be able to seem more "normal".

Hornet339 wrote:I just fear therapy. There were some voices completely furious with me about going.

Many people, including us, have/had parts that didn't want therapy, still won't participate in therapy, and don't want others talking about things in therapy. But it's needed, and sooner or later, even the most stubborn parts begin to see that therapy is helping everyone and everything.

Most alters fear therapy because they still think they need to keep secrets, or they're still trying to protect everyone from memories/knowledge, or they still fear being punished for talking or that the abusers will find out they talked, or they think that you should be strong enough to deal with it yourself but that's usually because they think therapy is for the "weak" when it's really not, and other stuff like that. It's important to learn why an alter doesn't want therapy so you can try to help reason with them and calm them down about it and help them to understand the purpose of therapy better. If nothing else, all parts/alters are equal, and all deserve equal rights/freedoms (to a reasonable extent). This means that you have every right to go to therapy if you want to. No one else has to go or participate, but you have every right to and should be allowed to.

Hornet339 wrote:Another thing about Logan is that I feel his panic every time anyone mentions merging. He's actually gone into a full blown panic attack once when it was mentioned by my boyfriend. Actual screaming and hysterical sobbing. It didn't feel like it was from 'me'. I could feel the intensity. If I was faking, I don't feel like that would happen.

Logan can relax, because integration is a choice, and you don't have to integrate to heal. We want to heal and stay multiple. You still need therapy and help and everything, and it's still a healing process and such, but you don't have to integrate to fully heal and be functional and everything. The goal with staying multiple is to become a fully-functional, fully-healed, smoothly-operated team/system. This can include achieving things like switching at-will, being fully co-conscious so there's no memory loss, having clear and easy communication, and stuff like that.

Yeah, I agree, that's not faking at all, especially with how strong it was to you.


Best of luck with everything!


~Phenix