This Must Be Done. A Thinking "Out-Loud" Post. (TW)

Despire what problems anyone else may have with this, it needs to happen. The thoughts race and pile up with no outlet in sight. Here is that outlet. Walls must be pushed past (safely, of course) in order to get better and a simple free-thought post is a perfect first-step in that goal.
There will be triggers as mentioned in the title, so be warned. I shall also do my best to keep things organized. Alright, begin.

No... Do we have to? I'm sorry for taking up more space and attention on the boards here. Please just ignore this...

That's the ######6 problem with you. Jesus ######6 goddamn christ!
Please try to remain civil, Jacob.
This isn't real. I'm making this all up, I'm so sorry. What trauma could I possibly have experienced? At least, trauma bad enough to cause all this?
Would it not explain your aversion to things of a sexual nature and your adverse reaction to male genitalia?
No? No. I could just be a prude. Besides, I'm gay. That's why guy parts are gross...Why am I responding to you like this? Habit, I guess... God dammit.
This is stupid.

Perhaps we could start with why you think you are making this up, Gabrielle?
Well, first of all... This... There's no reason for this. You're a character that I brought to life through vivid imagination. DID doesn't explain anything from childhood. I can still remember bits and pieces too. Isn't that how it normally is? Memory fades as time goes on? No one has a perfect recollection of their lives.
Except for those with perfect memory. There is the rare individual that has that talent.
Bit of a curse though, I'd imagine.
Certainly...

It's sick and disgusting. DID or memory, I mean...but... I guess I always knew about "Multiple Personality Disorder" (I'm aware that this is a very outdated name, but that's what I knew it by first) But when I read When Rabbit Howls I... Something about having others appealed to me... "That would be neat... without the trauma, of course!" I thought. I feel like I've made this all up. Such an elaborate lie I've created to fulfill a sick, twisted fantasy, making a mockery of you all who actually are suffering or have suffered. I can't remember if Eric was around before I read the book though... I guess Cindy was around long before I read The Flock.
There's a little reassurance in that, I guess.... Thinking back on all the times I've "randomly decided" hiding would be a fun game, or jumping on my girlfriend would be fun. It only happened around Rebecca, then after a while it started happening around another one of my friends... I bought a dress at the fair. I hate dressing feminine or showing skin beyond my hands and face (and neck, I guess.) but part of me was so excited to get it. Childish glee. I guess "Cindy" wasn't so far behind me.
I made her cry once, Cindy, by saying she wasn't real. I have a very, very hard time believing it though. There's nothing I have that's... Well... obvious.

Of course you ######6 don't. That's not the point. We've been trying, you idiot! I guess nothing's "obvious" enough for you?! Just because we can't completely force you out of awareness to write you a ######6 note doesn't mean we're not ######6 here.
I'm here. Im not fake.
Remember Mark keep Gabrielle from coming in store? Gabrielle remember. She tried to come back but Mark stomped foot. Janus and Maria help pick out make up.
You've tried to get into the house, dear. I've seen you try. You didn't know the landscape or the house, or its interior. You were surprised at the beauty of our lawn. Please, you need to relax. Everything is okay. I have indeed been around before you read your first book on the subject of DID. I figure that the others simply "awakened" because of those books you read.

I think I like this post. Very much so.

I'm sorry you're going through this... Denial can definitely be hard I know this probably doesn't help much but... Hope you all start feeling better about this soon

I didn't mean to be rude by that post. Is just that I have never seen one like it. I have only been aware that other people experienced something like this besides myself until 25 hours ago. I thought that I was just some weird freak with an over reactive imagination.

No, it's okay, I understand what it's life to relate to something on here... But on the other hand... It's just... I'm always there. I can take control back whenever I want! Well... That's what it feels like, at least. I don't because I feel like it'd be rude to.

I'm not sure what's happening. People are in a tizzy.I have memories this Gabrielle person doesn't, apparently... I don't understand why everyone's in such a panic.

Everyone's different, man. Stop trying to fit us in a , mold man. It's an individual thing.

Why the hell would anyone just make this $#%^ up? Seriously, if you were doing this for ######6 attention, don't you think you would have told everyone you know? God, you're so insecure, it makes me sick.

You don't help anything, Jacob.

Je suis oú? Je suis morte! Je suis mort comme l'autre fille dans le film! Morte! Je suis triste, trop triste. C'est terrible...

Things are getting to be a bit of a mess, I think. Well... They are. This is just silly.

Look at all this, Gabs! You're not coming up with this as you go! We're all taking turns writing! Why can't this just be proof enough?!

-- Sun Feb 03, 2013 12:44 am --

Gerudo7 wrote:I'm sorry you're going through this... Denial can definitely be hard I know this probably doesn't help much but... Hope you all start feeling better about this soon

Do not worry, please. All will be well in time. Thank you for sparing a moment to send us your wishes. It is appreciated.

- Eric

I can chose to be in control when ever I want. But if I don't give them their freedom they can become quite unbearable. So I let them out. I let them do what they want and say what they want to who they want.

Gabrielle, I could relate to what you said about thinking you made it all up. I really feel that way a lot, even after 25 years in therapy and despite the fact that I've integrated 25 of my 27 alters. I still feel like I'm one big fat liar who had an incredible imagination, and should win an Oscar for the amazing acting job of convincing T and others that the alters are real. But then, I snap out of the denial, especially when the body experiences physical changes or reactions to traumatic memories. Then I can't fool myself anymore, and I realize that the alters are indeed real. I hope you can find someone you can trust to work through this with, like a therapist that knows how to treat DID. My T has been a life saver, literally. By being in therapy, I've been able to keep functioning in the real world while I deal with my inner world. Hope you feel better soon. Alysone

Thank you Alysone for your time and kind words. I hope things continue to go well with you (all) despite the ups and downs of life.

To osiris... That's very interesting. I guess we're kind of like that, too? But they can't do everything they want out say what the want to whomever they want. Things would end poorly, I think.

Too many damn blocks for that, anyway. It's ######6 retarded if you ask me.
No one did
Get out of here, Kevin. I forgot what I was going to say...
Being able to exert control?
Oh, yeah. Last night was fun, wasn't it, G? You think it was you ignoring Rebecca last night? If I recall correctly, you felt pretty bad about it. Hell of I did!

Can evening please just stay calm for Mrs. D's party today? please?
I shall do my best to keep things inconspicuous today. I can make no promises, however, that someone may slip past me. Public occasions are not usually a problem for you, though. In terms of us interfering anyway. I'm sure Janus would love to accompany you.

I always think I'm making it up, or that I created it because of my over-active imagination, or that they were imaginary friends that I just made into alters by choice, or that I'm just acting because there's something wrong with me, or something like that. The list goes on and on and on.

But that's when I take out my list of things I write down for why it is DID, why DID fits, and of all the symptoms/experiences I have that help "prove" it. Like the fact that I was having voices, "sides of me", symptoms, etc., long before I ever heard of DID. Or the fact that, even if you come across the idea of multiples in media, it actually takes A LOT of CONSCIOUS effort to make yourself truly act like you have DID and then start to believe it's true yourself. A LOT of CONSCIOUS effort which I never did, and from what I can see, neither did you. That, and if you were faking, things wouldn't be so consistent, nor would they stay the same every time, and if you were doing it for attention, well you wouldn't be trying to hide or rationalize this or be "normal", you'd be milking this for all it's worth and actually calling attention to yourself on purpose.

This is definitely doubt/denial. Don't give in to it. Fight it. Listen to your other parts, they're correct. They are real. This is real.

Remember, as a child, trauma can include many things that wouldn't or won't seem traumatic later (although, given what I've read here, it seems like you're experiencing amnesia for your traumatic memories, another sign of DID and common for DID). Like, if you leave a child at home alone for too long, they'll get scared, they'll feel abandoned, and it can be very traumatic to them. If you leave an older adolescent at home alone however, they'll feel free, they'll feel trusted, and most likely they'll enjoy themselves and it won't be traumatic at all. So keep that in mind- what seems "not that bad" now doesn't mean it "wasn't that bad" to you as a child. Extreme stress can be traumatic enough to cause DID, bullying can cause DID, anything that can be traumatic to a child is "bad enough" to cause DID.

Hope you feel better soon.


-Cassandra

AliasForAFew wrote:Thank you Alysone for your time and kind words. I hope things continue to go well with you (all) despite the ups and downs of life.

To osiris... That's very interesting. I guess we're kind of like that, too? But they can't do everything they want out say what the want to whomever they want. Things would end poorly, I think.

Too many damn blocks for that, anyway. It's ######6 retarded if you ask me.
No one did
Get out of here, Kevin. I forgot what I was going to say...
Being able to exert control?
Oh, yeah. Last night was fun, wasn't it, G? You think it was you ignoring Rebecca last night? If I recall correctly, you felt pretty bad about it. Hell of I did!

Can evening please just stay calm for Mrs. D's party today? please?
I shall do my best to keep things inconspicuous today. I can make no promises, however, that someone may slip past me. Public occasions are not usually a problem for you, though. In terms of us interfering anyway. I'm sure Janus would love to accompany you.

Things end very badly all the time. I find myself in strange places with strange people. My girl friend will get angry at me andI wont know what it is that I did.