This Must Be Done. A Thinking "Out-Loud" Post. (TW)

"The hugs are accepted and reciprocated if you would have them. It is good to hear from you all again, Tomboy24. I have much to reply to but the chance has not arisen quite yet.
We all offer you our thanks and, I must say we are even indebted to you on some level"


"blood! Rip it off! Vile appendage! Rip it off! Blood! Make it bleed! Bad! Bad girl! No!"
Felt "something" on a face. Mental face not physical. Distressing all the same. Ignored because it never happened.

So nice, they're so nice to me. It isn't deserved! Nothing is for me, you know. Ask permission to use the thread. Outsiders here. Acting to fit on. Craving attention. Stupid stupid only wants attention

"Of course you (not that I am positive who you are) crave attention. That is perfectly alright. Putting yourself out there is okay."
I lose them though! Everyone! Stay back. Retreat. You don't get hurt more.
(Just tryin' ta get her ta leave. It'll be just us, then.)
"She isn't leaving because of you, Jacob. Rebecca isn't going anywhere. At least not for a very long while. Perhaps everyone drifts away because no one engages them, hm? You always wait for them to make the first move."
I don't want to bother them. I'll bother them. I can't hang out because I don't know what to do. I'll bother them. I'll annoy them and they'll leave anyway. Starting to do that to Rebecca... That's not good. We love her, right?
"many yesses, a handful of no's"
I think I love her... She bothers me so much sometimes but I need her. I need her like oxygen. It's so, so sad how reliant I am on her. So very sweet, so very silly, so very patient. She needs you too but not as urgently as you need her.
You seek a very, very difficult possession. Shall I name it? Unconditional love. Pure and silky. Why would we want to leave this one? There is no reason too. Very illogical.

"it's an ambush! Duck and cover! Move, move, move!" I can "hear" to the back right of my head... Bad
So bad bad bad. They don't know that we're very bad

So tired. I need sleep. Tomboy24, thank you.
It's wrong to make a mess... Clean it up. Don't be wrong, no no

Terry Pratchet's Death(thecharacter) is so wonderful. A more out-of-touch Vernadael. I think that's why I find so much comfort in him. Out-of-touch Eric when he was still a skeletal. It is good to hear him out loud. Outside of my head. Superimposing Eric's personality on him.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cIfCGf_suxs

Got distracted... had more to write but now it's all gone.
It came back.

Leslie wrote:List of reasons this is real.


1. The fact that the alters are arguing with you back and forth is proof that this is not fake. you would 100 % KNOW if this was faking.

2. I saw your alter talking in that video. I could TELL he was a different person. Your reaction afterwards....the shock....the intense blushing and all that....It proved that it wasn't merely acting.

3. You obviously have a lot of co-consciousness. That explains why you don't lose time.

4. The voices are usually heard through loud thoughts or emotions/ images.

5. I've seen post's written by you and you have a lot of symptoms of DID that an actor could not just give themselves.

(There are probably more, but I don't know enough about your situation to say. Your alters can add more to the list if they have any. List's are very helpful when you go through denial.)

[from their free forum site]
Nope. Anything that came back left again.

Eric says map. No mapping. I can't do it. He might be real. I'll consider it. The other ones absolutely aren't. Nope nope nope.
Stupid mouth hurting.

I want to write and I'm not using any stupid quotation marks. The name's Icey Awesome (picked that last name ;D) and I'm tired of being shoved aside. Go ahead, gabs. Go ahead and take your hand back. Nope! Ha! Mine now! Go suck a dick I thought you liked having me around? Being able to hide behind me? I'm pretty pissed, I gatta say. Seriously, what happened to the Mindscape?

It's... Uhm. Still there. Oh. This... Kind of explains where you went... You, Cindy, Jacob, Keith, Eric... You guys moved out of the Mindscape. That's why I can't feel you there...
Unless... Well, I haven't tried looking in there in a while, actually. Maybe my side of the Mindscape was the inside before it was the inside? I can still see into the Mindscape though.
I hear "The Grey"
But that doesn't make much sense, because when I think of the Mindscape (despite it being grey, sure) it has all the extras Rebecca (the SO) and I put in...
Why is there another inner world? I can see all the characters in the Mindscape, the ones that are really just characters. Provided I don't try and focus on them.
When I "look inside" now I see the bright green grass in the yard. I have to think of the Mindscape to get the Mindscape but "turning inward" gets me outside the house. This is curious...
Okay. So only one real inner world and one imagined world? Right...like reading a book and seeing the setting from in there. Not an inside world but a world you see inside. Okay, I can handle that, I think.

Now say you're sorry D;<
Sorry Icey...

Apology accepted! ^3^

so tired.

but wanted to say...

the others are real. just as real as eric.

there can be more than one inner world, as we have discovered, and have talked about in the thread "descending into madness" and kyra has talked about more details about it and how it works for us in the thread "realization vomit".

none of you are stupid and none of you are doing anything wrong, nor are you wrong, nor are you bad, and not everything you do is wrong or bad.

it's ok to feel strongly for another person. it's ok to feel dependent and be dependent at times. it's ok to feel that you need someone, and truly do need someone at times. this is all normal stuff that's ok to have and is good to have, actually, in healthy doses.

this is all real. this is not fake. you are not making this up. everyone is just as real as you are. this is not a lie. this is all very real. no matter if you choose to close your eyes to it or not, it's real, and it will be there, waiting for you until you choose to acknowledge it and see what's there right in front of you once again. not saying that it's easy to do or anything, and doubt/denial can be very hard to deal with, but look around. you're not the only one here with these same exact doubts. you're not the only one giving these same exact excuses as to why you doubt yourself. you're not the only one here saying "but i don't lose time etc. etc." you're not the only one here who feels as though this is fake, as though you're acting, as though it's a lie or something. so obviously, there must be something to this, because otherwise, we must be a whole forum full of liars, fakers, and actors (and man, do we deserve some grammy awards!). don't let your mind single yourself out. see and realize that you're not alone, and just like this is real for everyone else dealing with doubts and denial, it's real for you, too.


*more safe hugs if wanted*


- cassie (age ?)

Please, no more distractions, I wish to get in a response here as well as allow you time today for some free-writing. I feel as though it is doing you well to get your thoughts out there.

To Cassie; Thank you dearly for your response during your time in crisis. It is much appreciated. Things have gotten better here and we hope the same for you as well.
Now to you, Gabrielle;

Well, I can't free write if you tell me to free write.
But thank you, Cassie... Really.
I, on a logical level, know that I didn't make you do anything but I'm sorry for whining enough that you had to post something here. Thank you for being so nice and helpful but you didn't have to when you're so tired and under so much duress. Unless it helps somehow
feelfreetoignorethatiguess

I don't really know what to do with myself right now. Just a minute ago we were fine then I go to post this and I can't see how any of this could be real at all. This is ridiculous.
But you have a point, a point that I have tried to get myself to see before. I'm not the only one saying these exact same things about these exact same topics. I need to really get myself to see that.
I tried having everyone write their names today just to see if I could notice a difference in writing style between people but... There isn't much difference.

Maybe I'll post it later.

He put it in my mouth and my face I wanted to say this here.
We should live out in the woods away from everyone. It would be the hike everyday. Beautiful. There is plenty of wilderness nearby.
What of winter? You forgets the cold that has only just passed
What cold? I know not of this cold. Besides, there are plenty of ways to combat foul weather! We know how to survive outside.

I'm sorry I'm late at posting this, but I wanted to remind you again that this is completely normal to feel. I feel like I'm faking time and time again, but if I was faking then I wouldn't have so much proof staring me in the face. It's the same for you. I promise you. Everything you experience is normal in DID.


I wonder sometimes if I'm really an alter or if I am just Leslie's conscious or something. I didn't believe it at first, but I have a feeling that it's true because Annabelle apparently used to think the exact same thing, but now she believes it's DID. I guess it just takes time and lots of reminders.

I know things are stressful for you AFAF. Just hang in there. Just look at past post's or a list if you feel denial creeping in. I wish you the best of luck.

dissociative-identity/topic107835.html This is a thread from a while back. Some of my alters and I were in denial, but we got some help from our wonderful Tomboy24 and gerudo7.

dissociative-identity/topic110199.html and here is another one.

I hope these are helpful to you. maybe if you're falling into denial then you can take a look at them. Good luck.

AliasForAFew wrote:Please, no more distractions, I wish to get in a response here as well as allow you time today for some free-writing. I feel as though it is doing you well to get your thoughts out there.

To Cassie; Thank you dearly for your response during your time in crisis. It is much appreciated. Things have gotten better here and we hope the same for you as well.
Now to you, Gabrielle;

Well, I can't free write if you tell me to free write.
But thank you, Cassie... Really.
I, on a logical level, know that I didn't make you do anything but I'm sorry for whining enough that you had to post something here. Thank you for being so nice and helpful but you didn't have to when you're so tired and under so much duress. Unless it helps somehow
feelfreetoignorethatiguess

I don't really know what to do with myself right now. Just a minute ago we were fine then I go to post this and I can't see how any of this could be real at all. This is ridiculous.
But you have a point, a point that I have tried to get myself to see before. I'm not the only one saying these exact same things about these exact same topics. I need to really get myself to see that.
I tried having everyone write their names today just to see if I could notice a difference in writing style between people but... There isn't much difference.

Maybe I'll post it later.

not everyone has differences with handwriting

some people i've read all have the exact same handwriting

it varies from person to person and system to system



i'm glad things have gotten better

i guess they've gotten a bit better for us

it's hard to tell really...

and you're very welcome

i'm glad i could be of help to you all



you weren't whining or anything

i wanted to post here because i wanted to try and help and i care about you all

even if i'm tired or something i still try to be there for others i care about when i'm able to



sometimes things are like that, where you don't know what to do with yourself and you're back and forth on stuff

know it's like that sometimes for cassandra

so you're not alone





- cassie (age ?)

Thank you everyone. Thank you. You guys are so nice to us.
I want to make another video but I can't... I can't do it. I don't know. It's like... People have to tell me to do something before I can do it. I've started to be able to take initiative for some things but otherwise... Eh.

To do so far:
make a video
Do economics w/s
Email teachers about aiding
Call Heather back about the apartment
Apply to the community college
Taxes

Basic mapping while I'm feeling up to it:

Name: Vernadael Teiryn IV
Alternate Name: Eric Shepard
Age: 2,003,012 (give or take. Anything beyond 2mil always changes but still remains a fairly low number)
Race: Fire Demon/Incubus
Believed to Have (as an "Alter"): Narcissistic Personality Disorder
Possible Role(s): Protector, Manager, Parental-Figure, School Teacher (for the Littles)
Info: First known, holds closest connection to me. Easiest to communicate with. Usually very calm and analytical, thinks himself above others because of his demon blood and "vast stores of knowledge and infinite wisdom." In general, easy to get along with and likable. Tries to help where and when he can.
Healing from heartbreak still. Thinking of searching for another mate at some point. Is quite a family man despite his narcissistic inclinations.
Honest, loyal to allies, usually slow to anger. Takes pokes at his massive ego in stride but does get tired of it quickly enough.
Can be manipulative and cruel to those who cross him though I have yet to witness any of that. Those traits are his saying so.
I've found that he's a lot of fun and a very comforting presence to have around.
I could probably go on but I also probably shouldn't.

May I map you?

Name: Gabrielle (possibly a different name, but a better one has yet to be found)
Alternate Name: G
Age: Body age 18 though usually feels younger. Still around 15, possibly?
Race: Human
Believed to have as an Alter: DID, Low self-esteem, mild depression, identity crisis
Role: Host
Info: A very sweet girl. Has been thrown for a loop recently with all of this surfacing business and, as such, has had her identity shaken to its (no pun intended) core. Hates herself but can't quite place why. Luckily, is surrounded by support inside and out even if she cant see it. The biggest being (outside) her girlfriend Rebecca.
Is easily influenced by others and is constantly looking for affirmation and doesn't believe it's sincerity when it is received. Quite a mess, the poor dear. Feels like she just "floats through life" but things will come together in the end. That is why we are here.
Wants to help others because she can't help herself. Is very escapist and tends to put off and ignore problems. C'est la vie.
She is slowly learning that she is worthy of good and love and such. Is learning to respect herself (working on the loving of herself) and all that.
A bit odd in her own way but really, who cares?
She is loved by many and even sought to for guidance.
May have some dark secrets she is ashamed of but perhaps they will be worked on in therapy? Hint hint?


Yeah, yeah. >_<
I think I'll continue this in a separate post... This one is probably ridiculously long already.
Icey next