Dreading my coming therapy session

I did something stupid the other day. I looked up my therapist on the internet. I have done this before with search engines and can see he's taken a lot of care to get rid of himself from the internet. But I didn't do this through a search engine.

I feel really bad. I wasn't looking for the information that I got. I was just looking for one simple thing. Instead it ended up giving me the names of pretty much his whole family plus further details and using that info I even found some pictures and stuff on youtube.

I stopped when I saw a family pic of my therapist hugging his family. That was the worst.

I felt so guilty I had to send him a text message confessing because I could tell that I feel differently about him for seeing that stuff and I wouldn't be able to talk to him without feeling weird and dishonest. So I just admitted it. Fortunately he texted me back that he won't kick me out of therapy for it. But he hasn't heard yet what I saw.

I'm so dreading going next session. I don't want to talk about it. I just want to stick my head in the sand and pretend it didn't happen. I don't know what possessed me to be so stupid.

Has anyone else ever done anything like this? How did it pan out in the end?

Sorry to hear you're feeling bad about yourself.

I've done way worse stuff - for example online-stalking my ex and contacting him through a dating platform pretending to be somebody else.

So what you did was not 100% in order, but I don't think it's all that bad either. You realised what you did wasn't quite right and apologised - I think that is perfectly human. Everyone makes mistakes. Don't beat yourself up too much.

I have.

*trigger warning*
I found a T I had several years ago on facebook (after searching on google for him) where he wrote about his favourite things etc (which included having sex with his wife) and he had an open profile. I regretted it because things got a bit weird, but he ended up being a bad T and I kinda felt like maybe it was okay in the end because.. well, it was kinda nice to have had that "backing off" reaction when he turned out to be kind of a creeper.
*end*

I did it the 2nd time to a T I had a couple of years ago who was amazing. Mostly I think I did it just to see if there was a picture online or something (to just calm myself by seeing it) but I ended up finding her on facebook and there were loads of drinking pictures etc. I rationalized it in my head because I could see that at least some were several years ago and she was relatively young, so it didn't mean she was that way anymore. It made it kinda awkward for a little while but I let go of it.

I have searched for my current therapist because some of the littles wanted to see a picture of her because they hadn't seen her. As far as I know she doesn't have anything online attached to her name except therapy type stuff.

I never told them I did this (I think), but honestly.. They're online. They're like you and me. It doesn't make it right but it's not the end of the world either. The one it hurts is you, not them. He or she knows what's online. One of my friends is a T and she has nothing on the internet about herself because she realizes that in this day and age people do google each other and things like that and it can get very awkward.

I'm sorry this happened though and that you have to work through this on top of everything else. (safe hugs) if wanted.

We agree with Lifelongthing. It's not exactly right, but it's not exactly wrong enough for there to be serious consequences either. Especially when it's an accident. I think therapists of all people should be able to understand accidents and impulses and such, especially with their patients. That, and they know what's online. They put it there. So the only person it's really hurting is you. Yes, your therapist might be a bit surprised or something that you looked for them, but honestly, if you weren't a patient, you'd just be another person they know looking for them online and not a d@mn thing would matter or be "wrong" about that. So the main one hurting here is yourself.

I don't think I'd worry about it too much, especially as long as you explain it was an accident and such. You're probably giving yourself more punishment than you deserve by getting yourself worked up over this. It's like when you're a kid and you think you're going to get in trouble, and before anything happens you worry and freak out and put yourself through all kinds of sh*t only to find out that when the time finally comes, you don't get in trouble at all, or you get into way less trouble than you thought, or something like that. So try to not get worked up over this. It's only making things worse for yourself.

I think your therapist could see by the fact that you texted him to confess that you truly feel bad about it and didn't mean it and such.

We hope everything goes well and that you feel better soon. *safe hugs if wanted*


~A mixture of us(?)

A therapist, or anyone in that kind of position, should know enough to make their FB profile or whatever private if they don't want that information seen by clients. They should restrict their internet presence as much as possible. I don't think you did anything wrong but, as you feel bad about it, you have done the right thing (for yourself) to apologise. You may even have done him a favour by letting him know this information is accessible and he maybe needs to tighten his security settings.

I agree Owleyes

I agree with what everyone else has said as well.

You are not the first and you will not be the last to look up your therapist. According to some people I've talked to, it's actually very common. You want to know what kind of person your T is - make sure he's legit or not a creep or whatever. Therapists have varying opinions on how much information it is okay to put out there. Some aren't anywhere on the Internet, and some act like normal people who have a presence everywhere. But either way, they have to deal with what they have out there.

I don't get it? What's wrong with looking up a therapist or anyone online. It's the way of the world these days.

I also don't get what I wrong with seeing your therapist hug his family. He is human after all.

I just don't see any issue at all here.

I have looked up my therapist on the internet plenty of times. It helps me feel connected to her when it is 4am in the morning and we need a bit of grounding, or something. She has facebook, and openly says this in sessions, but like me has very strict privacy settings. I'm not sure how you did it, if not through a search engine, but it doesn't really sound like you've done anything wrong. I can see how seeing the pictures you've seen have hurt though. My T's facebook pic that I can see is of her and her daughter. It can sting, at times. Good luck with the session anyway.

-B

tylas wrote:I don't get it? What's wrong with looking up a therapist or anyone online. It's the way of the world these days.

I also don't get what I wrong with seeing your therapist hug his family. He is human after all.

I just don't see any issue at all here.

My thinking exactly. It seems to me the only negative is the guilt, the reaction you had, not the action that led to it. Your intention when you were looking might have made a difference if it was ill-intentioned, as in to harm your T, but I don't get that at all. I'll bet the discussion with your T will be really useful and could be kind of liberating.

I looked up my last T online early in therapy. Curiosity? I discovered she had lost her husband quite recently. I felt bad for "snooping" but then I feel like I'm bad many times a day for doing things which show no ill will on my part whatsoever. The fact that all my littles are consistently saying "I'm sorry" back to the others inside for doing nothing wrong makes me sad, breaks my heart sometimes, but confirms what I've known about my own emotional reactions for decades. I bear tremendous guilt that I in no way deserve. None of us here deserve any of it. Might any of this ring true for you?