Denial or Reality? *Trigger Warning*

I don't know if I'm going through a rough patch of denial again or if I'm just hitting reality. My mom called yesterday. Yes, of course that's where it always seems to start for some reason. I haven't talked to her much about my DID since I first told her about it 2 months ago, until last night. I was telling her about some of the symptoms I have, and those I've had in the past growing up. If it was up to her to diagnose me, so far, I would be diagnosed with possession of a stressed out spirit with tourettes. Apparently, the time loss, amnesia, feeling like a different person and not being in control at times, and everything else I've told her about is normal.

She said something that kinda made me speechless though. She said, if I went through all these things growing up, how come she or anyone else didn't notice?

So, I thought I'd talk to my husband about it so I could try to feel better, get some sort of support to ease the denial feeling. I told him about my convo with my mom and discussed some of the DID symptoms I remember having growing up. I told him I was feeling some denial about it bc of what my mom said, and that he's the only one who's known me the last 7 years, so I asked him how he didn't notice, which then, bc of his answer led me to ask if he even believed me that I had DID.

Basically, he thinks I'm having a mental breakdown bc I couldn't handle my responsibilities and he doesn't know what's wrong with me. He wouldn't say if he believed me. Talk about feeling like I've been stabbed in the back. I actually woke up this morning with a horrible back pain that literally feels like I've been stabbed in the back with a dull knife, and it's killing me. I probably slept wrong, but what ever...odd coincidence I guess.

Maybe they're right. Maybe I'm just going through a psychotic mental breakdown. Maybe I'm subconsciously just making all this up. Maybe none of my memories are real, maybe they're all made up. Maybe this life isn't real. Maybe it's just a horrible nightmare I can't wake up from, bc it sure doesn't feel real, it doesn't feel like my life. Maybe everything I thought I've experienced never happened and those are all fake memories too. Maybe I don't hear voices, maybe they don't talk back, maybe I just think I hear them and they talk back...but it's really me just having conversations with myself which is normal. Maybe everything I've gone through is normal, or maybe it never happened.

I really just want it to all go away. I don't want to deal with it anymore. I don't care what's wrong with me anymore. All this has done is brought back very painful memories that make me feel worse, and make everyone think I'm crazy. And all it's done is make me realize just how alone and unsupported I really am.

If I really had DID wouldn't someone believe me? At least 1 person? So, none of this could possibly be real, I have to be making it all up...which means theres something worse wrong with me and I don't even want to know what it is.

ManyShadesOfMe wrote: Apparently, the time loss, amnesia, feeling like a different person and not being in control at times, and everything else I've told her about is normal.

To a degree everybody experiences these things. People often dissociate during the day to get on with certain tasks and confusion over identity is also common for some people. However for those with DID this symptoms go way beyond the norm and I think that it's hard for people to grasp that. Telling someone that you lose hours of the day might seem to them that you've had a stressful day and so you're struggling to remember.

It's also very normal for a parent to go into denial. Some parents don't want to accept their child is suffering so pretending the issue doesnt exist prevents them having to go through the pain of the situation. I know my mum did several times. I tried to explain to her and she actually blamed it on video games. Yup. My mum actually told me my video games were warping my mind. A load of old arse and she knows it now but she was trying to find a way of explaining the problem away without dealing with it.

I think for DID it's hard for people to understand mainly because it's quite easy for people to fake. I'm not saying you or anyone else is faking but if someone wanted to they could easily pretend to be someone else. That happened a lot at my high school when kids wanted an excuse to get away with something.
It was easier for my family to believe I was psychotic because they would catch me talking to my hallucinations/alters and they could tell by the expression on my face that I was paranoid and scared. However I don't think they will handle DID very well because yes, they've never seen me switch and if they have the alter that was out was pretending to be me.
We want to hide the symptoms and the pain so of course people don't realise what's really going on if we act like everything is okay.
I can't speak for you but I know that for me I am experiencing something and whether it is DID, psychosis or something else it is distressing and it does have a massive impact on my life. People can't always understand that.
Best of luck to you.

-- Tue Jan 01, 2013 6:29 pm --

ManyShadesOfMe wrote: Apparently, the time loss, amnesia, feeling like a different person and not being in control at times, and everything else I've told her about is normal.

To a degree everybody experiences these things. People often dissociate during the day to get on with certain tasks and confusion over identity is also common for some people. However for those with DID this symptoms go way beyond the norm and I think that it's hard for people to grasp that. Telling someone that you lose hours of the day might seem to them that you've had a stressful day and so you're struggling to remember.

It's also very normal for a parent to go into denial. Some parents don't want to accept their child is suffering so pretending the issue doesnt exist prevents them having to go through the pain of the situation. I know my mum did several times. I tried to explain to her and she actually blamed it on video games. Yup. My mum actually told me my video games were warping my mind. A load of old arse and she knows it now but she was trying to find a way of explaining the problem away without dealing with it.

I think for DID it's hard for people to understand mainly because it's quite easy for people to fake. I'm not saying you or anyone else is faking but if someone wanted to they could easily pretend to be someone else. That happened a lot at my high school when kids wanted an excuse to get away with something.
It was easier for my family to believe I was psychotic because they would catch me talking to my hallucinations/alters and they could tell by the expression on my face that I was paranoid and scared. However I don't think they will handle DID very well because yes, they've never seen me switch and if they have the alter that was out was pretending to be me.
We want to hide the symptoms and the pain so of course people don't realise what's really going on if we act like everything is okay.
I can't speak for you but I know that for me I am experiencing something and whether it is DID, psychosis or something else it is distressing and it does have a massive impact on my life. People can't always understand that.
Best of luck to you.

To a degree everybody experiences these things. People often dissociate during the day to get on with certain tasks and confusion over identity is also common for some people. However for those with DID this symptoms go way beyond the norm and I think that it's hard for people to grasp that. Telling someone that you lose hours of the day might seem to them that you've had a stressful day and so you're struggling to remember.

Everything always goes back to stress, and depression. Problem is, I'm stressed and depressed bc of all the symptoms! I can't function. I'm still stressed and depressed with anti-depressants, so wtf is the point in taking medications that don't work anyway? I still lose time, I still can't remember sh*t, I have a million triggers that can put me into a rampage at the drop of a hat and I won't remember most of it. So, if it's just stress and depression why don't the medications work?

It's also very normal for a parent to go into denial. Some parents don't want to accept their child is suffering so pretending the issue doesnt exist prevents them having to go through the pain of the situation. I know my mum did several times. I tried to explain to her and she actually blamed it on video games. Yup. My mum actually told me my video games were warping my mind. A load of old arse and she knows it now but she was trying to find a way of explaining the problem away without dealing with it.

I've been trying to not let my mom bother me. I get it. I understand why she don't want to believe it. I can usually handle her laughing at me and mocking me that I'm just being ridiculous. She never payed any attention to me growing up, and I've been away from home for 7 years...I get it. She's not around me enough to see how much I change.

What p*sses me off though, is that my husband is around to see how much I change. How extremely different I am sometimes. How I'm the complete opposite of myself sometimes. So, if he doesn't believe me, then this must not be what's wrong with me. It's just a nervous breakdown.

I think for DID it's hard for people to understand mainly because it's quite easy for people to fake. I'm not saying you or anyone else is faking but if someone wanted to they could easily pretend to be someone else. That happened a lot at my high school when kids wanted an excuse to get away with something.

If that's the case then I'm an amazing actor subconsciously. Can't consciously act...takes too much brain power that I just don't have, and I don't know how to do it anyway. And what would be the point of acting like I had this anyway? It would take years to memorize every different personality, and my memory is sh*t.

It was easier for my family to believe I was psychotic because they would catch me talking to my hallucinations/alters and they could tell by the expression on my face that I was paranoid and scared. However I don't think they will handle DID very well because yes, they've never seen me switch and if they have the alter that was out was pretending to be me.
We want to hide the symptoms and the pain so of course people don't realise what's really going on if we act like everything is okay.
I can't speak for you but I know that for me I am experiencing something and whether it is DID, psychosis or something else it is distressing and it does have a massive impact on my life. People can't always understand that.
Best of luck to you.

What ever this is, it's always had an impact on my life. I must've been really stressed and depressed at the age of 5 unless all the memories I think I remember never happened.

I've been caught talking to myself. My mom has caught me doing that when I was little. Embarrassing for me, but she thought it was funny as h*ll. She probably thought it was normal kid play, idk. I was telling her yesterday about how my entire OWE class sat and listened to me have a conversation with myself while I was zoned out. I 'woke up' to the entire class laughing at me.

So now she wants me to contact the retired 80 year old teacher that taught that class almost 10 years ago. The other 9 kids in that class got stoned every day before school. What am I gonna do? Contact all those people and ask, "Oh btw, I know I haven't talked to you in almost 10 years, but do you remember me talking to myself in class?" It was embarrassing enough, that would be just as embarrassing to even ask if they remember! Why remind anyone of that? I'd rather it be forgotten about, not jog everyones memory and have to explain why I'm asking something like that.

We feel like that a lot, all people with DID do. The fact is that parents can't be there at all times. My parent believe me even though they wre around me a lot. Yes, it can feel like a break down but it's truth; our alters would not lie. Other fact is maybe your mom was involved with the abuse in some way? I dunno, but it's possible. Parents should ry to understand - mine have. Prayers and safe love to you.

I believe you. I think it's normal to doubt yourself, I mean, this is a HUGE thing to try to come to terms with. What helps me, when I'm in one of these cycles of denial and self-doubt, is to start with something I can't deny, something that I know, and have always known, is true. For me, it's that I have PTSD. I've always known that, can't deny it. The symptoms fit me like a glove. Then I just keep writing down other things I know are true, things/symptoms I've experienced, etc. It helps to go through it all systematically like that and have it written down, instead of having it going round and round in my head.

Maybe your mum is dissociative too, which is why she thinks this is normal? Just a thought. Dissociative tendencies are apparently hereditary. I'm pretty sure my dad has a dissociative disorder, maybe even DID.

ManyShadesOfMe wrote:
What p*sses me off though, is that my husband is around to see how much I change. How extremely different I am sometimes. How I'm the complete opposite of myself sometimes. So, if he doesn't believe me, then this must not be what's wrong with me. It's just a nervous breakdown.

My partner is the same. He's had mental health issues in the past so I can't understand why he seems to just shrug off all of my problems. He has admitted that he does this because he doesn't want to believe it is true because 1, he doesnt want me to be in this kind of distress and 2, he wants a simple, problem free life so tries to pretend that everything is sunshine and rainbows in our relationship.

He has a very black and white way of thinking. Got a problem? Then solve it! Something making you unhappy? Don't do it! It annoys me because things can't always be simplified and even when you manage to simplify it, it still isn't that simple! I told him about the possibility of DID and he just said
" There are different parts to everyone. Doesn't mean they are different people." which aggravated me so much because Darren has come out and attacked him before and he was aware that it wasn't me.
Again I think the people who care the most about us end up being the most hurtful because they try to deny what is going on.

In my case my mother is one of my big triggers. I absolutely believe she loved me. She died 3 years ago. She hinted to me that she was hurt as a child after YEARS of denial regarding both our lives. It seems that anything negative she wasnt equipped to handle. She was in denial up until a few years before her death."keep smiling..keep your chin up" Often her reaction. growing up I was not allowed emotion. Sent to my room adn never told to come out. So she was blind to the abuse I took as well...totally out of her radar.
I feel very little emotion regarding her death. a mirrored affect of what she gave me.an di know I hurt at the loss though adnit is stuffed away.

Here is an example that still haunts me. 11 ish years a go my best freind since 5th grade( 25 years we were friend) Died ina car accident. My Mother l ived inthe same town of my friends family, so my best freinds family called my Mother to let her tell me. SO mom called me and told me. She was Quite emotionless. I was at work and I screammed and screamed then went into shock. I dont remember traveling back home for the funeral. I do remember helping her parent s plan the funeral and aslo ony Myself and my husband were allowed to see the open asket with her parents sand brother before the visitation. I remember watching myself cry REALLY loud as they took th e casket...and I had a hard time walkin g out without help from my husband and my Father.
The point of this classic example is. My Mother began almost immediatly telling that my best freind and i were never really friends, that we never did much together. To stay away from freinds parents.( though we still have a relationship) much to my mothers dismay.BUT I beleived my mother that we were not friends, yet I did not belive her. I was- AM STILL confused as to what the truth is.Why do I make up things like " she was my bet ffriend???? So my mother not being able to handle any emotions, loved me so much she didnt want me to have any emotions either, let alone spread them to her.

Nearing her illness she mellowed. She was beleiveing me for the first time . As a child ,I told her to stop the uncles from hurting me.I also told an example when triggerred at age 25 adn memories came back.I htink she blocked this out too. I also "forgot" unitl my next breakdown mid thirties.At that time she accepted i had a mental illness..."at least its not cancer" was her response. Thank you for that

My mind can get so very twisted around things like this in all areas of my life. I dont trust or beleive anything i think say or do! Even though it feels like a circus inside and I swear people must notice my symptoms of DID, the dont. DID is so far from thier thought patterns or knowledge, that what they dont suubconsiously disregard, they rationalize it and normalize it . AND DID is also an illness that works hard to protet the integrity of the systme and NOT be noticed.
As for my husband He abused me for about 27 years. HE led me to belive I was bad and anything was my fault.ANd that i made up any abuse from him.
He is now out of denial, spent years in therapy and continues to learn about DID as well as is own issues. He didnt quite undertand my first HUGE breakdown with subsequest long terms of not being the host. He said I wasnt ever the same after that breakdown..and tha t is true. HE beleived me...we didnt quite undertand DID or get dxd with that until a few eyars after that first breakdown., but he accepted that i would "switch" as my breakdown caused regression, flash backs, feeling crazy . Thaat was his theoryMINE TOO..Even ,after my Girlfriend died and I was not host or present at all for nealy a year, he thought that was part of"mental illness". I didnt realize that the way i was since as far back as I remember, was not normal. YET I felt diferrent than others.And in th e end I dont NEED to know a dx of DID. EIther way, i am suffering and noone can "get it" enough tha t i dont feel alone adn scared a lot. Knowing DID has led me to this site which I feel very good about.

I believe you. I think it's normal to doubt yourself, I mean, this is a HUGE thing to try to come to terms with. What helps me, when I'm in one of these cycles of denial and self-doubt, is to start with something I can't deny, something that I know, and have always known, is true. For me, it's that I have PTSD. I've always known that, can't deny it. The symptoms fit me like a glove. Then I just keep writing down other things I know are true, things/symptoms I've experienced, etc. It helps to go through it all systematically like that and have it written down, instead of having it going round and round in my head.

This is actually one of the best pieces of advice I've heard for the denial. Just wanted to say that.

lifelongthing wrote:I believe you. I think it's normal to doubt yourself, I mean, this is a HUGE thing to try to come to terms with. What helps me, when I'm in one of these cycles of denial and self-doubt, is to start with something I can't deny, something that I know, and have always known, is true. For me, it's that I have PTSD. I've always known that, can't deny it. The symptoms fit me like a glove. Then I just keep writing down other things I know are true, things/symptoms I've experienced, etc. It helps to go through it all systematically like that and have it written down, instead of having it going round and round in my head.This is actually one of the best pieces of advice I've heard for the denial. Just wanted to say that.

I totally do this is really does help some. I keep a running list

Just wanted to say I understand, I'm asking all those questions too. Good luck.