Denial or Reality? *Trigger Warning*

sacred_unspoken wrote:Other fact is maybe your mom was involved with the abuse in some way? I dunno, but it's possible. Parents should ry to understand - mine have. Prayers and safe love to you.

Thank you sacred. I've actually been thinking about why my mom is the way she is. I don't think she was involved in the abuse, but I think she's a big dissociater too. I'm thinking about maybe starting a new thread on family dissociation now that I'm thinking about it. I'm thinking I should just drop the subject altogether with my mom.

I just really need her support right now, but she couldn't give it to me in the past, and she can't give it to me now. I guess I just need to accept that.

Thank you! Prayers and safe love to you as well

I believe you. I think it's normal to doubt yourself, I mean, this is a HUGE thing to try to come to terms with. [/quote}

Thanks Owleyes. It just strikes me as odd that even now that I'm aware and I'm remembering parts of my past, and remembering these DID symptoms during my life, that people around me still don't believe me. It makes me feel like they think I'm a liar, or that I'm faking it. I swear I'm not faking it, but I worry that maybe subconsciously I am. I wouldn't have the slightest idea why that would happen though. I've always tried so hard to be normal. My entire life I don't know how many times I've yelled at my family and my husband, "I just want to be normal".

Tomboy's Kat made a comment once when I first joined about how I was constantly asking if this or that about DID is "normal", and was basically starting to sound like a broken record. To be honest, It was irritating me before she even made that comment lol. I kept asking myself why I kept using that word over and over. I've been thinking about that the last couple days though and I think the reason I kept using that same word is bc I've struggled my entire life to be normal, and I could never achieve it. That's all I ever wanted. Just a normal life. If all this that I experience is "normal" for DID, then it might help me start feeling some normalcy in my life. Idk, it's just one of those things that just recently made some sense to me.

And I'm sorry if I annoy everyone all the time. I know I'm annoying. I annoy myself. I always have stupid questions and stupid comments to make. I hate that I do that. And I hate that I always write so much. Thats annoying to me too I just have so much to say and you guys are the only ones that ever listen and really hear me. I feel so invisible in my life.

Maybe your mum is dissociative too, which is why she thinks this is normal? Just a thought. Dissociative tendencies are apparently hereditary. I'm pretty sure my dad has a dissociative disorder, maybe even DID.

I think your right. I've been thinking about this on and off the last few weeks, especially since your comment. I think she has dissociation issues, and childhood issues of her own she doesn't remember and doesn't want to deal with. Actually, I'm starting to think that dissociation runs in my family, if that's possible.

ManyShadesOfMe wrote:Actually, I'm starting to think that dissociation runs in my family, if that's possible.

It might, both me and my grandma have similar dissociation symptoms. It could be due to growing up in a similar environment, though obviously not exact environment.

He has a very black and white way of thinking. Got a problem? Then solve it! Something making you unhappy? Don't do it! It annoys me because things can't always be simplified and even when you manage to simplify it, it still isn't that simple! I told him about the possibility of DID and he just said
" There are different parts to everyone. Doesn't mean they are different people." which aggravated me so much because Darren has come out and attacked him before and he was aware that it wasn't me.
Again I think the people who care the most about us end up being the most hurtful because they try to deny what is going on.

He sounds kinda similar to my husband. Except my husband doesn't have any mental disorders or anything that we know of. Although, I'd bet every cent I have that he has narcissistic personality disorder...even our T agreed to that one. But yea, every thing is black and white to him. Like you said, everything has a simple answer.

Except, when it comes to me, he'll bend everything I say or do to suit it to fit his own needs. So he pretty much over thinks things to the point where he just comes off as completely delusional. To him, everything completely complicated is simple, and everything that should be simple ends up complicated.

So, I'm sure when it suits his needs he'll admit I have DID. He's admitted it before, now he doesn't.

I just wanted to say that your words in the original post, literally, could have come straight out of my own head. I really do believe that this is a disorder of denial first and foremost. And, I think it comes directly from parents who do the same- deny, deny, deny.

As for your husband, I'm so sorry he doesn't believe you. Maybe it would help for him to have a better understanding of the disorder that isn't so focused on "personalities"? Perhaps if you're able to explain it from a place of "I'm hurting, and here is how I experience it" he might not be so dismissive? I don't know. Hopefully he comes around.

And, the medications... know that it is not you. The pharmaceutical industry has done a fantastic job of "educating" the public into believing that these drugs are the answer. Study after study after study has shown that anti-depressants only really have a true effect on severe depression (e.g., those who literally can't get out of bed or shower), and even this is minimal. The rest is just placebo. Here's an interesting read on that topic if you're interested in the history of the mental health industry and psychotropics: "Anatomy of an Epidemic" by Robert Whitaker

My mind can get so very twisted around things like this in all areas of my life. I dont trust or beleive anything i think say or do! Even though it feels like a circus inside and I swear people must notice my symptoms of DID, the dont. DID is so far from thier thought patterns or knowledge, that what they dont suubconsiously disregard, they rationalize it and normalize it . AND DID is also an illness that works hard to protet the integrity of the systme and NOT be noticed.
As for my husband He abused me for about 27 years. HE led me to belive I was bad and anything was my fault.ANd that i made up any abuse from him.
He is now out of denial, spent years in therapy and continues to learn about DID as well as is own issues. He didnt quite undertand my first HUGE breakdown with subsequest long terms of not being the host. He said I wasnt ever the same after that breakdown..and tha t is true. HE beleived me...we didnt quite undertand DID or get dxd with that until a few eyars after that first breakdown., but he accepted that i would "switch" as my breakdown caused regression, flash backs, feeling crazy . Thaat was his theoryMINE TOO..Even ,after my Girlfriend died and I was not host or present at all for nealy a year, he thought that was part of"mental illness". I didnt realize that the way i was since as far back as I remember, was not normal. YET I felt diferrent than others.And in th e end I dont NEED to know a dx of DID. EIther way, i am suffering and noone can "get it" enough tha t i dont feel alone adn scared a lot. Knowing DID has led me to this site which I feel very good about.

Thank you for sharing that with me. I'm sorry to hear about your mom and your friend. My mom wasn't emotionless, she just wasn't really there. I know I went through a lot of mental and physical abuse from my dad, and neglect from her (which I would never tell her that, and she'd never admit to it), but she doesn't remember any of it at all. She says she didn't even know about it. That's when I started thinking that she has dissociation issues of her own. Theres no way she could've missed it. She lived in the same house. She was there. I think she just couldn't mentally deal with any of it at the time and so just dissociated herself from what was being done to me and my brother.

My husband was also abusive to me, mentally, the 7 years we've been together. I was worthless, I didn't deserve anything bc I didn't have a career. I had 2 babies, a house, husband, bills, everything to take care of, and I worked my @ss off on all of it. Plus, add in 6 years worth of girlfriends....he's mentally put me through hell. I thought he was actually starting to be supportive, but I'm seeing now that he's really not. He's doing most of the house work, and dinner....but I don't think supporting me emotionally is something he's capable of. So, I really just don't know what to do with him anymore.

He's put me through something traumatic every year since we've been together. Looking back on it, those events changed me too. I was a completely different person every year, completely different personality, even different looks. He says people change. But he hasn't changed that much, not like I have. I wasn't the same after the event he put me through in April, and I haven't been the same since the event he put me through in September. But, idk, people change I guess. I just also happen to change who I am several times a day, not just yearly.

-- Tue Jan 01, 2013 7:22 pm --

lifelongthing wrote:

I believe you. I think it's normal to doubt yourself, I mean, this is a HUGE thing to try to come to terms with. What helps me, when I'm in one of these cycles of denial and self-doubt, is to start with something I can't deny, something that I know, and have always known, is true. For me, it's that I have PTSD. I've always known that, can't deny it. The symptoms fit me like a glove. Then I just keep writing down other things I know are true, things/symptoms I've experienced, etc. It helps to go through it all systematically like that and have it written down, instead of having it going round and round in my head.

This is actually one of the best pieces of advice I've heard for the denial. Just wanted to say that.

Thanks guys, I'm going to try and attempt this again. I've actually been trying to do this for a couple months now every time I go into denial, I just can't seem to get myself to really do it. I think I'm really going to sit down tonight and do this. It's another thing I've been needing to do.

I just wanted to say that your words in the original post, literally, could have come straight out of my own head. I really do believe that this is a disorder of denial first and foremost. And, I think it comes directly from parents who do the same- deny, deny, deny.

That's true. I keep forgetting that denial is part of why DID is what it is.

As for your husband, I'm so sorry he doesn't believe you. Maybe it would help for him to have a better understanding of the disorder that isn't so focused on "personalities"? Perhaps if you're able to explain it from a place of "I'm hurting, and here is how I experience it" he might not be so dismissive? I don't know. Hopefully he comes around.

I know that most of what I experience, and what I'm going through, he can't at all understand. I really just wish he would try. When I talk he just sits there like a rock and never has anything to say. I have tried wording everything the best I possibly could, I use analogies that he can understand, I've sent him info and threads on here that I can relate to, I've sent him my own threads I started, and I've tried to encourage him to get on the forum himself to ask questions if he wants to. He's been telling me for months he's going to, but he hasn't. He has plenty of time to read biographies of Mark Twain (if that's what he's currently reading, I can't remember), and other crap on the internet, but he hasn't yet attempted to search for DID or come onto the thread. He's just pointless anymore. Theres no point.

And, the medications... know that it is not you. The pharmaceutical industry has done a fantastic job of "educating" the public into believing that these drugs are the answer. Study after study after study has shown that anti-depressants only really have a true effect on severe depression (e.g., those who literally can't get out of bed or shower), and even this is minimal. The rest is just placebo. Here's an interesting read on that topic if you're interested in the history of the mental health industry and psychotropics: "Anatomy of an Epidemic" by Robert Whitaker

I hate meds. I really do. I don't know how many times I've been on anti-depressants then get p*ssed off bc I'm still depressed. Why waste the money on something that doesn't work?

ManyShadesOfMe wrote:I hate meds. I really do. I don't know how many times I've been on anti-depressants then get p*ssed off bc I'm still depressed. Why waste the money on something that doesn't work?

So don't

The husband piece- I just read your previous post. We do that, don't we? Go through a life of abuse, think "I'm going to do things different" and then end up in an abusive relationship. He just sits like a rock- yeah, I know what that's like. It sucks. Oddly, my relationship of over 7 years ended because he broke up with me. I was devastated. Yet, I was more thankful than I've ever been. I feel guilty, and I feel relieved. I never would have had the courage or belief in myself to realize that I deserve to be with somebody who truly cares about me or that I can actually care for myself. I"m not encouraging you to not be married, of course. But, I am saying that I understand, and that despite what you may think... you deserve to be loved and appreciated and cared for and supported. I truly wish that for you.

Keep searching... look on this site at more blogs...

The desire to be "normal" can be a HUGE factor in denial, doubt, and if strong enough, it can even help the DID develop further because you're already compartmentalizing things, so it's easier for you to "put away" behaviours you learn aren't "normal" and try to "keep" only "normal" behaviours and such.

Here's a thread that might be interesting to you. It's about fear of being different and the strong desire to be "normal". (May be slightly triggering).

(You don't have to read this thread, or at the very least not all of it, but it might help to make the one I'm referring to make a bit more sense: Is it possible for an alter to be autistic? (also mentions different conditions in general): http://www.psychforums.com/dissociative-identity/topic98607.html).

- Realizations: http://www.psychforums.com/dissociative-identity/topic98709.html



Other than that, I'd like to say that if this is just a type of mental breakdown, then it'd just be a breakdown. There wouldn't be alters or consistent DID symptoms or anything. There might be voices that develop, but they'd be more like schizophrenic voices, not actual alters/parts of you. Breakdowns don't cause you to develop DID or anything like that. They simply cause you to, well, break down. You'd be having only symptoms of things like depression or anxiety or stress, there wouldn't be any DID symptoms or alters' voices or anything like that.


If you haven't read them already, these two threads might be helpful to you in knowing about denial/doubt and how to cope with it and recognize it:
- Talk with myself (or not) about what's going on with me: http://www.psychforums.com/dissociative-identity/topic104111.html
- Sub-Conscious Denial: http://www.psychforums.com/dissociative-identity/topic104173.html


~The Hawk