Need help with my situation (Protector blocking me from SO)

I don't know what to do. My SO (who has DID) had a "hard switch" and whomever is out left me for another woman who he is now having a serious relationship with for the last year-and-a-half. His Protector is blocking me completely from talking to the one who loves me, though I have seen glimpses of him (Good Guy), so I know he's still in there, and once he blurted out that "OF COURSE HE STILL DEEPLY LOVES ME" and then a Little will come out every now and then and wave at me, and then look like he is going to burst into tears!

I have been trying to establish a connection with the Protector FOR YEARS so he'll relax his guard even just a little bit, and let the others who still love me out...but, he is so vicious and rageful towards me and won't let me in, or let the others out. He is convinced I am "a stalker and a harasser" and (delusionally?) has accused me of being his abuser! All of this is so opposite from how I treated him.

I love ALL of him, and have been completely heartbroken that the system...or, is it just another alter (?) who left me for another woman (who doesn't know he's DID) and have been trying to connect with the parts that love me again, as well as build some kind of friendship or rapport with the other parts, but am being completely blocked from everyone (FOR YEARS NOW).

Still, I have not given up on him. Can anyone help? Here is our conversation from today. Oh, and the hard switch happened right after he got officially diagnosed (though I had known he was DID for years, on my own). Please read if anyone has any advice on how I can connect to his system again, and make friends with the Protector so he will let me back in:

Okay, I just had a conversation with The Protector. I saw my former SO's car at the town coffee shop at lunch time, and decided to go inside, even though I am usually met with hostility and hatred from an alter we'll call "Stud Guy." For the last few days though, it seems like "my guy" (Good Guy) has been trying to connect with me, but with failed attempts to come out.

So, seeing right away that he was The Protector, but wanting to try to connect to HIM, so I can maybe rebuild some trust with HIM, I asked him very calmly if maybe we could talk for a few minutes outside, but I added that it was his choice and completely up to him if he wanted to engage with me, or not (he liked that - having total control). He said he would talk to me, but then YELLED at me and said I was a HARASSER and that I HARASSED and LIMITED him in the past by not leaving him alone and "interfering" when he was talking to a pretty girl.

I said, very calmly, that I certainly didn't mean to cause harm, and that I want him to know he's always safe with me and that I am never a danger to him.

He then told me that he NEVER WANTED TO TALK TO ME, OR HAVE ME TALK TO HIM EVER AGAIN.

I, very calmly, said, "I understand. It is completely your choice if you want to talk to me, or not." I then asked him if he was aware that the body had dinner with me a few weeks ago. He said I was a LIER. I said, "Okay. Well maybe you could ask inside and see if maybe another part of you remembers eating with me."

He then said, "We had dinner, but it was NOT a date. I saw you and said hello, and that's all that happened." I said, "Do you remember sitting eating with me for an hour?" and he said NO. I said, "Okay. Do you remember talking about making a plan with me the next week" and he repsonded like he was a kid making fun of me (another alter?) and someone said, "No, he has no awareness." Then he said VERY ANGRY, he's "not playing my imaginary parts game anymore, and obviously I have something very wrong with me, and that he NEVER WANTS TO TALK TO ME EVER AGAIN."

I said, "Okay. That is always your choice. It's completely up to you, and you are always free to leave." That calmed him down again. I said, "I want you to know I never meant to harass you. I was simply trying to protect my relationship with the part of you that loves me." I said, trying to explain my motive, that "I was trying to prevent the body from cheating on me."

He said, "well obviously your definition of cheating is different than mine." He again said that I LIMITED HIS FREEDOM. That I was "always trying to limit his freedom with other woman he wanted to sleep with." I didn't say anything in response, then I said, "I know you call me a harasser a lot, and he said because you ARE ONE, and I said, but my intent was never evil, the only thing I'm guilty of is that I just loved my boyfriend, and I loved you, too. I care about all of you inside."

I think my Good Guy was underneath listening, but I couldn't really see him. This Protector had these red demon eyes, but it kind of looked like a terrified kid at the same time, too. He then said, when I said the thing about caring about him too, that "Well, I'm sorry we can't be friends, and that I can't be friendly to you when I see you, because I would like to (?) it's sad that I can't be, but you did too much damage by not letting me be FREE, and that he "doesn't associate with terrorists" and has a new life now and doesn't want me around anymore to mess stuff up, so beat it.

Then he (someone?) said, "I think you should leave now. Why don't we both just walk away from the conversation and quietly leave."

I said, "Okay." As I was walking away I said, "maybe there's other parts of you that can come out and talk to me again when the timing is more right." He said, "I'm not counting on it." Then he (someone else?) said very calmly, like someone was trying to keep the peace, "why don't we just walk away now. That would be better than me having to leave and drive off. Can you do that? Just say goodbye and peacefully walk away." I said, "Okay. It was good talking to you. I'm glad we could at least have some kind of conversation" and (someone?) gave me a kind of half agreeing, warmish nice smile, and I left.

I don't know if my attempt to connect with the Protector did anything, though. Everything I've read on these DID message boards, and in articles, says the only way to be allowed in again, is to form a connection of some kind with the gatekeeper/Protector...I HAVE to get him to feel more understood by me, just a little bit. To see, just a little, that I was always coming from a place of love. I know I have to basically, empathize with him and his reasoning and feelings, so he'll trust me more again.... It didn't seem to do anything though. But, I tried and put every ounce of courage I had into it to engage him, as he is REALLY nasty and abusive in this state, and I'm still so heartbroken that the body left me for someone else.

How can I get back in? I know there are parts in there that still love me. But, now, there's this other woman, too. I can't always tell the alters apart either, so I'm unclear who is really with her.

Moon

Perhaps my post was too long to read...I am basically just asking how I can establish some trust again with the Protector, so he will let the other parts back out around me again, and not see me as such a threat. I was with my SO for seven years, before he got diagnosed, which caused him to switch to another host (who left me and started having a serious relationship with this other woman) all in my small town.

It's been incredibly sad and hard. I just want to establish a connection again. I know the side that loves me is still in there.

Moon

Sorry, I can't really help you with your situation. I just want to say this: there is probably a lot internal conflict going on inside your SO. There is probably still a part that loves you, but he may not be able to connect with you, because other parts don't want that. And you/he can't just force the other parts to come along.

This is a very complicated situation. A bit of a Catch-22. The protector sees you as a thread, but he may be the only way to connect to your SO again.

Maybe you can connect in another way, not face-to-face. But that may be perceived as stalking, so be cautious with that.

I really don't know what the best way is to deal with this. I hope someone else can give more useful suggestions.

Here is a resources threads about relationship issues with DID. It may be helpful:
dissociative-identity/topic100829.html#p966808

Thanks, oaktree. Yes, I have tried everything and The Protector has told me not to email, or call him ANYMORE so I stopped. I have been able to send him a hand written note at times through the mail, and "my guy" seems to receive it...but the note has to be very, very neutral.

Basically, I just send a card for Christmas or his Birthday, though a few months ago I sent a card that asked if he would like to get together to visit some time, and he (my guy) found me around town and said he got my note and would LOVE to make a plan with me....but, then he switched and the Protector told me that he NEVER WANTED TO TALK TO ME AGAIN and he ran to his car and drove off. The next day is when I saw a Little just standing at the side of the road as I passed and waved at me, looking like he was going to burst into tears.

I know I need to create a bridge with his Protector, some level of trust again, but I don't know how. he seems almost delusional in thinking I'm "out to get him." I've never done anything. I also don't understand how he can just replace me with this other woman so easily, with no attachment to me at all, after being with me for 7 years. I can't tell if the one who is with her is "my guy" or a different alter all together. Some of them look and act the same.

Moon

*safe hugs if wanted*

I'm afraid I don't have any advice, but if it helps I can commiserate. My SO's protector doesn't much care for me anymore and it breaks my heart. We were close and even before then I tried my best to be a good friend to her.

Now I'm not sure what to do. But I will say I can feel some of your pain though I'm lucky enough to still have my SO.

Dear moon,

I'm sorry that you have been having such difficult times.

I have a protector who makes it hard for me to respond sometimes, but all of my system relates deeply to your post. I don't want to hijack your thread but I hope I can at least help you understand a little bit about your SO's system by relating some of what I've learned about my own. Everyone is different so Im not suggesting that you are abusive in any way. and I want to say that your SO is very fortunate to have someone like you that is trying to understand what is going on.

I was in a committed relationship for nearly 8 years, and when various things in my life ( deaths of family, the relationship turning abusive or unhealthy), started to build into overwhelming stress,and I fractured again , breaking open the shell that held a lot of early abuse memories and bringing intense flashbacks and dissociation. About that same time my SO asked me to consider that I might have DID. When that happended a protector alter with whom I have a very solid dissociative wall between that severely limits any attempt at co-consciousness or even communication. started to view her as a very dangerous person. There had been an escalation in verbal fighting which i have come to realize is a HUGE trigger for me, several physical attacks on my person. LOTS of me losing time for those events. lots of the protector alter gaslighting me about what was real, and what he imagined as persecution and being unable to escape from what had in the past been what he had been created to deal with and handle. It was a very confusing and troubling time.

the rest of the system decided that the host wasn't handling things well and pretty much took away executive control. like parents taking away the keys from a driver that is dangerous.

a few months later when he started to come back to the front he was very unhappy that the protector had left the LTR and done his best to end communication and start a new relationship in a more abusive situation. when that happened the cycle of extreme depression over what was happening made the others feel like he was unable to control things and took over again. now years later even though we can be friends with that person again, we have to maintain the no contact policy right now because of the extreme cycle of depression and confusion that leads back to a hard switch if we were to do something like meet for a friendly lunch. Just to maintain peace within the system while we are trying to heal.

Because of internal disagreements and because from what the others tell me and what I have come to understand through therapy is that a big part of DID is an attachment problem. of seeking inappropriate attachments and not being able to maintain healthy ones easily because of our challenges.

You mention the 3 aspects that you recognize and at least one little of your SO's system

I'm part of a group that pretty much manages the outside day to day. I'm Fox, and I have a wider range of emotion and creative thinking than Todd does, but I'm awkward and shy, while he is better at dealing with demanding complex work and bills day to day, he is pretty neutral and unemotional about most things, Jon is one of our protectors, he has taken a lot of abuse and was able to keep the body alive during times that were too much for the rest of us to handle, he has a very dim view of most people, it takes a lot to earn his respect and trust.

There are others in my system that affect how things function and react but we are the ones that handle the day to day most of the time. The little's that had managed to form a connection with the SO still deeply miss them and don't fully understand why things are the way they are now.

The protector that you are having a hard time with most likely has a reason for acting the way that he is. The problem is that he is probably coming from a place of understanding that is skewed by the events of his life, a lot of protectors mimic or take on aspects of the abuse and other mistreatment that has been inflicted on them. or act out because of it, depression, PTSD, anger are a few of the things that may need to be dealt with before any meaningful change will happen. If he can't establish a better means of acceptance of his dissociation, and better communication it will be tough going for him.

Your method of talking to your SO's protector with continually leaving him a way to escape if he felt too pressured was a good way to start. if you had tried to keep him there or resorted to force things would have probly gotten ugly very quickly. Do your best if there is any more contact to maintain your own calm, don't let yourself be goaded into something you would regret later. and don't let yourself be ruined by his systems actions. maintain your own sense of self and your self sufficiency.

It sounds like there is a part there that feels very strongly about you and if there was going to be any contact with you that part would be very influencing, or in, or near control. Strong emotions like love and anger are closely tied to things like fear from what I understand. Do you think that his protector aspect feels a lot of fear around you? He mentioned the terrorist thing, which would be controlling though fear.

I would respect the systems wish to be left alone for the time being to let his protector cool off. and if he is able and willing to reach out to you he might have the opportunity, things are probably very confusing for him if he is having to confront his own dissociation, or not addressing it in a healthy way. forcing correspondence at this point could be interpreted as more of a threat by the protector of exposing the system to itself before it is ready to start accepting it.-Fox

I can't speak for others but to me it sounds like:

If there is a little standing on the side of the road waving, looking sad, and an alter that wants to make plans, there is still a big chunk of his psyche that cares but is very conflicted with internal fighting about what is happening. especially if he also runs away telling you to stay away.

when the host is unaware or not co-conscious of other parts it is sometimes experienced as blending and influencing of the various parts. I know that when Jon is influencing me or very close to the surface I am much less patient and quick to fear or anger than I usually would be and unable to think as rationally.-Todd

Hope that helps, best of luck.-Fox

I've been trying to help someone with a very similar problem, actually.

Long story short, it sounds like his system is out of balance. Either there's been a change of hosts (main personality "out"), there's been a forceful take-over, or something is triggering this protector to come forward.
There's no easy solution to any of these things, especially if he is not in therapy. If there was not a consensual host-change, then his system is in crisis right now, and is handling it the best they know how. This will not change until they are not in crisis anymore.

To get out of crisis is never easy, and it's harder when you don't have a professional to help guide you and to help you to handle situations before they get to the crisis point. This protector seems paranoid and unwilling to change or be affected by anything you attempt. There is nothing you can do while the system is still in crisis to change that. Right now, his system either needs time and space to sort it out themselves, or they need professional help (even if they think they don't need it or don't want it, the do need it). Considering the fact that it's been a year and 1/2, I don't think time is really helping, here. It might be time to consider going over his head and getting him the help he needs. Because at this point, with how unwilling and paranoid the protector is, there's really not much else that you can do except look to professionals to help get the system out of crisis and restore balance.

At the very least, you should look into getting a therapist for yourself. These types of situations are hard on everyone involved, and a therapist would give you the support needed during such difficult times, as well as give you advice on how to handle this situation (depending on the therapist you get. I'd suggest one who's at least knows of/about DID so that they can understand your situation). It would be in your best interest to seek out as much professional support and advice that you can get, not only for your guy, but for YOURSELF. Your well-being, including your mental health, is important as well, especially during tough times.

I wish you the best of luck with this, and hope that you are able to work something out. Either way, your guy won't be gone forever. Maybe for a while, but not forever. Systems usually have a way of working themselves out eventually.


-KAT

Here are some threads made by the person I'm helping with the similar problem. They may be helpful to you.
However, I should go on to say that the crisis was not averted, and as far as I know, the husband's system is still in crisis. It has gotten to the point where the wife will have to see if time and space is all that's needed, or if professional help is the only thing that can help resolve the crisis. (Like I said, in your case, considering the fact that it's been a year and 1/2- for which I'm sorry for-, it might be that professional help is the only thing that will resolve this. However, have you tried giving him space along with time? If not, you may want to try that. Try actually following what he says and not contacting him, giving him some space and such. (Of course, you should not give up having the ability to contact him, meaning no numbers should be changed/deleted, stuff like that). Only try this, though, if you're comfortable with it and trust that he won't move or travel or something. At the very least, try giving him some space for a short amount of time, like a week or something, if you haven't already).

Here are the threads.
Direction, I'm lost: http://www.psychforums.com/post941042.html
NOT SURE WHAT TO DO: http://www.psychforums.com/post939569.html
Just Jack: http://www.psychforums.com/dissociative-identity/topic98758.html

Hope that something from this site is able to be of help to you.

-KAT

Thank you Fox (and Todd, too). You really GET what I have been dealing with. I think everything you say is exactly what is going on.

And Kat, thank you, too. I answered your post further down if you read.

But Fox -- basically my guy's Protector took executive control right after he was officially diagnosed. In fact, I had gone to a therapy session with "my guy," at his suggestion, so we could talk about the DID, but during the session itself, the Protector stood up and started calling me INCREDIBLY nasty names in front of the therapist, and was having some kind of PTSD flashback or even PSYCHOTIC DELUSION thinking I was his actual abuser!

The therapist had to intervene to get him to stop attacking me, and then asked him to take a "time out" and go sit in the waiting room to calm down. When he came back ten minutes later, he was "my guy" again, and when asked, didn't remember anything that had happened, and was "confused" why he was sitting outside alone.

So, I think you're right Fox, that the Protector thinks I'm "dangerous" because I was the one who "discovered" the DID to begin with and brought it to my guy's attention. I was also the one who suggested he talk to a therapist for the first time in his life. I also agree that DID is an attachment problem/trauma.

And, yes, the Protector is full of FEAR of me. He thinks I am "stalking and harassing" him, and am a "stalker and a harasser" which is what he says every time he sees me, which I think is based on the fact that before I knew about the DID, sometimes I would see who I thought was "my guy" out in our small town flirting with other women.

I realize now, that that was another alter. But, at the time, and this was years ago, it would cause intense verbal fights between us, because I thought this was my SO trying to pick up other women when I wasn't around.

THEN, when he did start having a relationship with this other women, (and was coming home to me) I was trying to figure out if the body was "cheating" on me, or not, and what was going on, and what was happening to our 7 year relationship, so I would drive around our small town trying to see what he was doing...not fully understanding DID, but trying to get some answers but, of course, the alter that was out saw this as stalking.

I was also at this same time, desperately trying to connect with "my guy" again and reach him behind the Protector so all of this wouldn't happen. So, I would call and send emails and try to run into the body in our small town, hoping my guy would see me or hear my voice on the phone and come out, all of which led to the Protector blocking the entire system even more.

It gets more confusing though, because then ANY TIME he saw me in our small town after that, (to this day) he would think I was only out somewhere because I was watching him, or after him. He became very paranoid. During this time I also started to see a demon-like alter come out who seriously looked like a serial killer. I also saw a Scared One (a kid) come out who would just pop out, look at me with all this HORROR, and then take off running down the road...once I even saw him hiding behind a row of cars at the town coffee shop, peaking up at me, and then hiding again, because I was there. Body-wise, this is a middle aged man.

It got to the point where the Protector was calling me a "stalker" if I walked into any store, restaurant, or coffee shop in town that he was already in....yet if he came into a place where I already was, he would say I was "laying in wait" for him and therefore "stalking him" either way.

He also embarassingly slandered me throughout the town, telling everybody I was a stalker and :just couldn't face that he left me for someone else." Every now and then a Little would pop out around me and tears would roll down his face. Other times, my guy would just nod at me from 'behind the eyes" to let me know he was still there underneath, and that he sees I am trying to help.

So, at this point, I left town to try to give his system (and me) a break, hoping that space and peace would let things settle down....but it did nothing. I left for months. I had to get out of here. When I returned it was as if no time had passed at all. The Protector was just as vicious when I came back.

But, so yes, Fox the Protector is scared of me. I didn't used to see it, but I see it now. He's like a dog that will bite you and tear you to shreds, but only because he's so terrified himself.

That therapy appointment I went to with him was the last time we were together. The Protector has been out around me, almost 100%, ever since and, as I mentioned, has taken up with this other woman and I'm not sure who is involved with her, or not...in other words, I'm not sure if my guy loves her too, or if this is another alter's affair. It's all very confusing and heartbreaking to me.

My SO has 10 parts that I recognize, by the way.

To answer your other question Kat, I am in therapy myself, and have been all along. It is what has helped me understand and keep my balance. My therapist has given up on my SO though, and just tells me "there's nothing I can do." I don't accept that as an answer though, which is why I came on here and have not given up searching for advice. I love all of him, and I don't want to give up on him. I believe there just has to be a way to help him, and reunited with the rest of his system again.

And, Kat, his Protector quit therapy after that second time, so there is no professional help to get. he refuses, and I'm the only one in his life who knows he's DID. Right before he had this hard switch, he said "he could feel a storm coming"...like he was warning me.

Personally, the other problem I am having, is not understanding how he can be with this other woman for so long with no Protector problems coming up. The Protector ALWAYS gave me such a hard time. It's also weird because it's like he replaced me with this woman completely -- all the places we used to go to, even our same evening and weekend routine right down to when we'd go to the grocery store...still all the same, except now "he" does them with her and not me. Sometimes I don't think it's my guy. Other times I get very confused who has done this. My therapist said my guy might be along for the ride -- co conscious or not, but not able to do things any other way than what the dominant Protector wants.

Sorry if my post is confusing. I'm still trying to sort this all out. My major concern is, what can I do to help the Protector not feel so scared of me, so he will let the others back out when I'm around.

Oh, and one more thing, I've touched him (once on the arm, once on his back) twice in the last month when I've seen him, because I see my guy there underneath. The Protector yelled at me the other day and said that I am NOT to touch him ANY MORE because he said "it throws my whole life asunder"...which was an odd word choice.

Obviously me touching him has a big effect, and causes some internal chaos. I think it's because the other's inside WANT out when they feel my touch. I won't touch him again though, because he's obviously so distressed...he also said if I touch him again he will have me arrested for ASSAULT (even though it is the softest, nicest hello gentle touch). But this is the Protector. It's unfortunate he banned me from touching him (along with calling, emailing, etc, because i think it is a way to reach the ones underneath...but that's what he's trying to prevent.)

I need advice.

Moon

Glad to hear you're in therapy, but your therapist sounds like a bit of a jerk telling you that there's nothing else you can do. Even if that were true, they shouldn't be so cut-and-dry about it, and they should still be willing to listen to you talk about it since it is an issue that affects you, and that's what therapists are there for, to help you with things that affect you.

I didn't mean him getting professional help by choice. I meant you going over his head if it's possible and making help go to him (such as having him admitted to a mental hospital, or informing a similar place that he's in crisis and needs professional help. There are ways to go about helping people who don't want help despite needing it).

It sounds like the Protector, for whatever reasons, is ok with this other woman but not with you, and is replacing you with her (hence going to the same places and such). Perhaps you could ask him what it is that he doesn't like about you, why he doesn't like you, why he doesn't trust you, and what he likes/trusts about this woman?
(If your guy is co-conscious, this might be very hard on him. I know it was very hard for Cassandra every time she had to/has to deal with watching things happen but not being able to do anything about it, especially with things she didn't want/agree with).

Again, there might be nothing at this point that you can do to make the Protector change his mind about you. Professional help might be the only way to resolve his system's crisis and get the Protector back under control, or at least not so paranoid.

You have three choices here. You can either try to continue doing things that appease the Protector and hope that it eventually works; You can see what you can do about getting him professional help (whether he wants it or not, it is needed); Or you can do things that upset the Protector but help the others to be closer to the surface and possibly even help "pull" them out/to the front. (Doing things that reach alters inside can usually help to bring them back "out" if it's strong enough, or done consistently enough, or it helps "jar" the system/alters enough to loosen the Protector's grip on control. Doesn't always work, since everyone/every system's different, but it usually does).

This is a tough situation, so the choices and the road to resolution won't be easy, either. Stay strong, and best of luck with this. I hope that this place is able to be helpful to you.

-KAT