Sexual Orientation Confusion... *Trigger Warning*

Uh...hi. So...Luna's kinda making me do this....yeah...Here goes nothing, I guess.

I don't...exactly know..."what" I am... I don't know if I'm straight or gay or bi or what....

Don't like, D. Tell it like it is. It's ok. You're safe here. Everything's safe to talk about here. I promise.

*sigh* ...Fine...
I think...well, I have suspicions that I might possibly be gay/homosexual...

You're doing great. Keep going, everything's fine. You're still safe.

'K....
My, uh, problem is that I don't know...well...I don't know if I'm "that way" naturally or if I've been affected by stuff that's happened... Well, that might've happened...stuff that I see sometimes...

It's ok, D. The flashbacks are real, and they really do happen, but it's ok that they do. And it's safe to talk about them here. You're still just fine.

I just...I don't know if, um, **Trigger Warning**

I'm gay because I've never really had sexual stuff with a girl before, only with...guys...but not by choice....

**End Trigger Warning**

So....yeah....

Keep going, D, it's ok. You're almost done.

I guess my question is....how do you know? How do you know if you...like certain stuff because you actually like it, or because that's all you know, or because it was forced on you? I'm just...really confused...
Thanks...for any replies...

-Damone

You did great, D. I'm so proud of you. I bet you'll feel a lot better now that this is off your chest. And trust me, everything's safe here. You'll see. ~Luna

**This will get a trigger warning**
You can't always know if you are what you are because of natural orientation or because of abuse - but in the end, even if it's related to abuse, it rarely just disappears. My dear Emma has always been gay, while the system lived as being straight. The newest alter, Key/Kay, is (seemingly) straight (and the only alter who is in our system. We are all gay, with the exception of the kids who are too young to be sexual or those who are asexual, like for instance an animal), while the system now lives as gay. Neither of them, though both have felt very alone, have give into a different orientation than the one they have, or believe themselves to have, or know of or what have you. We are who we are for a lot of reasons.

For us, coming to terms with being gay was about seeing that when faced with the idea of straight sex had little to no sexual energy for us. It wasn't that it was scary or wasn't okay or felt re-traumatizing; it was that it gave very little. We always felt we had too little sex-drive and were somehow "wrong". It felt unromantic and, oddly enough, almost asexual to have sex. When we finally ended up in a gay relationship, the sex has both a romantic and a sexual tone to it. We want to be physical with this person, we want to share out lives with this person. We find meaning in this relationship.

Our relationship with both men and women growing up have been very damaging and have included sexual abuse. One might say we ended up gay because of that. Our simple answer to this is: if we were made this way because of abuse, we are still gay now. It doesn't make us less gay just because it was an environmental factor instead of a genetic one.

I hope this makes sense to you, but I tend to have a hard time expressing myself through the more common of words. What I am trying to say though, is that no matter what you are, you are okay. And if you change your mind later on, that is okay too. There is no one who can tell you what you are, but we can tell you that you are cared for here no matter what.

You are very strong to write this here, Damone.

Leo

I do a lot of work with LGBT youth so I hope I can be useful here.

First off. *safe hugs if wanted*

Certainly the things that happened to you are deplorable, but being gay doesn't have to be a bad thing. If you feel that's the way you're naturally inclined then don't try to fight it (my opinion). Trying to fight one's sexual orientation can eat you alive. Believe me I know. I tried for years to fight my bisexuality because of my mother and religious background, but I digress.

I'll assume that you haven't had consensual sex with anyone, so let's just start at square one. There's no reason to assume that because of your past SA you can't experience and explore sex normally (excepting whatever issues you may need to go through in therapy). I guess what I'm saying is there's no reason you can't eventually have a normal sex life with whatever gender you choose. Maybe you're bisexual? Maybe you're gay? You'll have to slowly and safely explore those feelings on your own. And that, my friend, is a wonderful part of the human experience.

I think I rambled a bit but I hope I helped. If you ever want to talk in private just send me a PM.

Two of my alters are lesbians.
I have a little, who is around 11-12 and she is questioning her identity and is pretty much gay. She also dresses very tomboy and other alters often question her. However during this time I also get memories of her being abused by a woman, so that could by why I think that.
Then I have an older one who is probably 14 or 15 and sometimes she dresses and acts like a boy sometimes she doesn't.
Sometimes I think I myself might be gay but it's hard to discern whether I actually am (considering I used to get crushes on boys when I was younger) or if it's just because those 2 are pretty much my main alters.
Although I do know a lesbian isn't about hating/having bad experiences with men. It's about liking girls sexually.

This has been a big issue for me and my system lately. Our current host seems to be more or less asexual. His driving force is to be entirely alone, so he''s not really interested in relationships or even sex.

My previous host however was straight (or possibly bi, but I'm not entirely sure).

About a year and a half ago I discovered a gay alter, who managed to get himself in a few relationships before I managed to shut all that down.

All this has become a source of a lot of tension lately. It's difficult for me to even be around people casually, much less emotionally or sexually, but I have other alters craving sex and relationships and I don't know how to accommodate any of it. The end result is that we just remain alone and haven't dated or had sex in about a year now.

Just like last time, D. You're safe here, everything's ok, and everything is safe to talk about here. Take some deep breaths, relax, and just be yourself. It's ok, you're ok, and everything will be ok. (For those who are wondering, I'm Luna, and I'm here to help and support Damone as this is very difficult for him to talk about).


Um, well, first, thanks for all the replies.

lifelongthing wrote:**This will get a trigger warning**
For us, coming to terms with being gay was about seeing that when faced with the idea of straight sex had little to no sexual energy for us. It wasn't that it was scary or wasn't okay or felt re-traumatizing; it was that it gave very little. We always felt we had too little sex-drive and were somehow "wrong". It felt unromantic and, oddly enough, almost asexual to have sex. When we finally ended up in a gay relationship, the sex has both a romantic and a sexual tone to it. We want to be physical with this person, we want to share out lives with this person. We find meaning in this relationship.

This is, well...
It's ok, D. Everything is safe here. You can talk about anything and everything, and you will be ok. This is a safe place.
Ok...
This, the um, above quote, is how, um, I feel when I try to, well, imagine being with a girl... It also just...I dunno...doesn't seem to "fit"...? If that makes sense? It just...seems...
You're doing great, D. It's ok. You can be honest here. You're safe.
When I try to, well, imagine being with a girl...it just seems....wrong....- SEEMS! It SEEMS wrong! I know it's right!
Breathe, D. It's ok. You're ok. It's ok if it seems wrong to you. Breathe and relax. You're ok. You're safe.
Ok... It doesn't seem "right", is what I'm trying to say, I guess... If that makes sense...
It's kinda hard knowing what actually feels "right", though, when all you can do is imagine what it would be like...
But....I'm not....I dunno....attracted to girls...? Well, at least not noticeably or anything... What I mean is that I've never liked a girl that way.... I've never felt that way about a girl... even though I know I'm supposed to....
You're not "supposed" to feel any specific way, D. There is no "right" or "wrong", especially not here. You're doing great. You're still safe, everything's still ok.

lifelongthing wrote:Our relationship with both men and women growing up have been very damaging and have included sexual abuse. One might say we ended up gay because of that. Our simple answer to this is: if we were made this way because of abuse, we are still gay now. It doesn't make us less gay just because it was an environmental factor instead of a genetic one.

That makes sense I guess... I never really thought of it that way before..

lifelongthing wrote:What I am trying to say though, is that no matter what you are, you are okay. And if you change your mind later on, that is okay too. There is no one who can tell you what you are, but we can tell you that you are cared for here no matter what.

You are very strong to write this here, Damone.

Leo

...Thanks....

spartanfur06 wrote:Certainly the things that happened to you are deplorable, but being gay doesn't have to be a bad thing. If you feel that's the way you're naturally inclined then don't try to fight it (my opinion). Trying to fight one's sexual orientation can eat you alive. Believe me I know. I tried for years to fight my bisexuality because of my mother and religious background, but I digress.

I'll assume that you haven't had consensual sex with anyone, so let's just start at square one. There's no reason to assume that because of your past SA you can't experience and explore sex normally (excepting whatever issues you may need to go through in therapy). I guess what I'm saying is there's no reason you can't eventually have a normal sex life with whatever gender you choose. Maybe you're bisexual? Maybe you're gay? You'll have to slowly and safely explore those feelings on your own. And that, my friend, is a wonderful part of the human experience.

I think I rambled a bit but I hope I helped. If you ever want to talk in private just send me a PM.

I haven't had, um, consensual anything with anyone....boy or girl....I've never even consensually kissed someone before.....
It's ok, D. Breathe and relax. You're still ok. You're still safe.
It's kinda hard to, um, explore stuff when you're in, well, a girl's body (ick), and the body's already in a relationship....but I could always talk to the others about it....see what options I have..
We can do that together if you'd like, D. And you're still doing great. You're still ok, and you're still safe.
..Thanks for the uh, PM invite.... I'll keep it in mind...

mrow wrote:Although I do know a lesbian isn't about hating/having bad experiences with men. It's about liking girls sexually.

Well.....about that.....
It's ok, D. You can say it here. Everything's safe to say here.
I'm not....I don't....I just.... Girls don't really seem to "do" anything for me sexually.... Nothing about them seems really, well, attractive to me....
You're doing just fine, D. Everything's still ok. You're still safe. You can say whatever you want here.
Well..... I've looked at...pictures of guys...not sexual pictures! Just, regular pictures, like clothes models or even just plain pictures from sites like deviantart. And....well.... I kinda..like..the pictures..of guys.....
You're doing great. I'm so proud of you, D. If you're done, you're done. It's ok. You don't have to continue if you don't want to.

I think that's it for now....uh, thanks again for the replies, all of you..
-Damone

Sexual identify and sexual orientation confusion are really common among people who are sexually abused, particularly as children. We know now what our original sexual orientation was because it's there in the majority of alters: straight. The host considered himself gay yet with no real interest in sexual relations with actual guys, just abusive fantasies. One straight alter has gay addictions in fantasy as well. One is bisexual in theory. Everyone else is straight or too young to know. Yes, there is confusion but it is known for certain that the confusion was caused by the abuse. My guess is that it is similar for most people with DID to have confusion about sexual orientation.

So overall our sexual orientation is still really off, but at least we know what it should have been and perhaps may become with some work. Oddly, it might not take that much therapy because we've always known the interest in women was there and that we were mostly blocked, terrified to act on it, due to threats against expressing maleness.

For us, the worst thing about the abuse wasn't the acts, it the was the long-term effect on us which prevented the free and natural expression of the sexuality we were born with. That was the greatest crime.

The evidence of heterosexuality, based on the sexuality distribution among us and the memories of specific abuse, is clear. But we also discussed this as a system. We have a serious observer alter, a gatekeeper or an ISH. Call him what you will, he has observed the physiological response of the body to men and women and can report objectively that the body is straight. At least the confusion about what's natural or not has been resolved.

Perhaps a discussion inside might gain you some similar clues. Most mentally healthy people come to understand where they are on the spectrum.

This is, well...
Ok...
This, the um, above quote, is how, um, I feel when I try to, well, imagine being with a girl... It also just...I dunno...doesn't seem to "fit"...? If that makes sense? It just...seems...
When I try to, well, imagine being with a girl...it just seems....wrong....- SEEMS! It SEEMS wrong! I know it's right!
Ok... It doesn't seem "right", is what I'm trying to say, I guess... If that makes sense...
It's kinda hard knowing what actually feels "right", though, when all you can do is imagine what it would be like...
But....I'm not....I dunno....attracted to girls...? Well, at least not noticeably or anything... What I mean is that I've never liked a girl that way.... I've never felt that way about a girl... even though I know I'm supposed to....

That makes sense I guess... I never really thought of it that way before..

...Thanks....

Surely, no one can answer for you how you feel nor how you should feel. What you feel is what is right for you. Try looking at it from the outside in; are you bothered or feel it is wrong what we are with a woman, for instance? Is it wrong to you? I would guess you don't (if you do that is quite alright, I assure you). Your sexual identity is yours to explore. And exploring it does not have to include sleeping with anyone. I have not had sex nor kissed a woman. I know I am gay. I know I do not find men attractive or productive for giving me sexual emotions as such. My fantasies are of what I consider beautiful and sexy women. I have not found a man I find sexy. If I ever do I will reconsider my sexuality, but until then I hold my stance that I am indeed gay.

You are strong to continue to persue this. I hope you get peace in what you are, whatever that should be. We support you here.

Confused here too. Just seems like our body if nurtured in a decent way would all be straight. Some parts seem asexual , some no desire, some prefer women as when they hurt us they were more gentle. Some want to be with males s that is what they were taught is the way to be whiel being hurtfu to us.S ome want to be with females as they only know abuse from male. some want to be wtih both, some want the sexual parts to feel pain, some pleasure which also comes into play regarding prefernces. I could go on, just htinkning it through for the millionth time.

Hi Luna and Damone.

We have been battling with this issue aswell. So we know what it's like...especially what being completely confused is! It's not easy but somehow progress is being made. Dealing with the ***sexual abuse*** traumas is something that has helped us to get forward and in learning to know ourselves better.

Our therapist always says that we souldn't worry about our **sexual identity** too much because it'll be found in time. I kinda understand that but I also don't... I don't like the **unbalanced sexuality** we have now! And I'd just like to throw it away - and just be ourselves. =/

It's so tricky! But I wish you the best and plenty of strength with dealing these issues. It's not easy but it'll be alright.

Shame and guilt also have a HUGE part in this issue... We're still trying to figure out how to deal with those two feelings. They are the biggest blocks that I know of...

***We started with lesbian identity...then straigth...then lesbian...then bisexual...then straigth...then lesbian again!*** It's really frustrating. At the moment we identify ourselves as lesbian. And that's been there for quite a while now. It's just the past traumas that make things difficult.