Our thread sorta kinda (jessica6 journey thread)

First time in a while we've dared this color- we'd say today we've mostly been Sam.

Beginning to feel as if this is all just flights of twisted, perverse fantasy.

Earlier this evening, The Nameless One gave us a long talk in his gibberish. We think we was gesturing and pointing out the main female and male alts, and... giving us a pep talk? Lots of hand language- and ofc spoken gibberish. And he slapped us a couple times- he's... a slapper. Didn't use to be but now, yes, likes to smack the body on the cheek.

Today we had... well I think we had it other day, as well- we had um, maybe some sort of mixed mood episode? Correction, we've been rapidly going between elation and depression. This evening, however... we were... both- at the same time, or nearly so. Oh happy happy I like this song here I'm singing happily along with it while I'm crying and thinking we are so ###$ up and everything is hopeless and we are the worst thing ever to happen to our partner. But we're singing! Happy.....

That was... different.

What else? Oh we think we dreamed as... not Steph, last night- and in the dream we were.. well, bipolar or BPD. Something that started with a B, and in the dream someone was.. saying or posting things, and we were responding with exaggerated, I suppose... manic-like responses. Then I think we woke as one of the kids for a while- Albert then... Sabrina and/or Stephanie... then... later in the day, moi. And then the crazy moods started. We were utterly depressed even though we were having a very pleasant evening out, then on the way home we were sadpy. that's sad and happy thrown in a blender.

Now that I'm back out, to write this- feel it starting again. Odd. Just.. odd. Meh. We were actually afraid to get home- out of... fear that the mixed moods would get out of hand? But we had some tasks to do and that put things right out of our mind- and now I'm out and here we are feeling weepy. Go figure- yay I'm the downer, lucky me right?


-- Sun Nov 15, 2020 12:05 am --

Oh yes and we sat by a mirror tonite- not by design- and I stared at the... person.... occupying my seat. Not a stranger. But... still, someone else. Not me. Not... me.... didn't help the mood, needless to say.


<3 Sam <3

So like we were fine tonite until we weren't, yeah? We suddenly started rubbing our head and ears which is what we always do when we like switch and stuff and then it was me but it like, took us a moment to figure it out and I ain't been out in a while or any least not when having fun listening to my favorite music but um we don't feel good we're like all dizzy and our stomach hurts. It sometimes does when we switch and stuff. I mean dizzy and tummyache.

So like we walked the dog then we wandered into the dark by ourselves. Lately we have remembered that when the body was... like my age or a little older? That we had this... fascination with um.... not desolate... empty....? empty, out of the way places outside where nobody is. And we associate it with wanting um... sex. It's like we're scared but we want to be there. We don't know what that means. but thinking about it makes us really dizzy and nauseous so um I just want to go back in now. Like we want to figure out what, when and where but we don't.

Steph says it's all bullcrap and stuff. I sure wish he'd come back out I don't want to be out. I don't like being dizzy and my stomach hurting. Ate some cookies and it maybe helped a little but suddenly we're tired we have just something else Steph wants to do and then maybe we'll shower and go to bed and stuff. We didn't sleep enough last nite no.

I'm usually happy but I'm not happy now but I know I'm me I just do. But I'm ready to go omg I wanna go back inside. Let someone else be out, not me.

Why are we like this? We didn't ask for this. We just wanted to grow up and be normal and date and stuff and be regular. But no we have to be weird. Weird and disconnected our whole life.

<3 <3 <3 <3 <3

we hope your feeling better sabrina
hope you get some rest & tummy is better

<3 <3 <3 <3 <3

Oh thank you! Um, yes we were a little dizzy this morning when we got up but we made a point to try to not try to remember anything, and that helped. It's.. been a stressful day and I was out, so there was some depression and bad thoughts going on, but we brightened up, eventually.

But yes a much better day today then yesterday- in fact... ha the dizzy has just returned a little when I popped out to make this post. That's... faintly amusing in a detached, observational way.

Hope you're doing well! Hugs!

You ever NOT know who you are?

We have a name.. an age... an... appearance... is this a new one of us? Or not? I don't know. We just so tired. TIRED. OF this... crap.

Not going to mark down the name... or the age.. or the appearance... until we feel more.... certain. So much doubt.

ARE we OSDD? Or.... just like, Borderline? Psychotic? We've flirted with delusion plenty of times, as someone with OCD.

We don't know. Don't. Know. Part of us is concerned about that. part of us thinks it's funny. part of us is kinda detached about it we're like yeah? Wow let's grab the popcorn and watch the system and see what happens.


Me, I'm like I am one of those with the poppycorn.

Parts of us are skeptical but so we can look at this later and cogitate, we'll go ahead and write down that I'm Allison- 20, F, a little chubby with cheeks like a chipmunk. Green eyes brown hair cut very short. Inside we wear glasses.

Meh who knows, who cares. Maybe we're just borderline or something. No that's not completely right or is it? We don't know who or what we are we're just like vanilla. Painted white. no flavor. We are tofu. Plain tofu. Yes, we're plain tofu. No flavor and a bite that is not quite satisfying.

Things have been very quiet for us- relatively speaking. We switch- but it is more... seamless? Less... jarring? And often we have a hard time putting a name on the front. On the face of it, often Sabrina, or Stephanie. We kinda mingle lately, like we used to. I don't understand.

At least the mood swings are better. For a while it was as if every time I was out, we were very depressed, even when we were happy? Like a mixed episode is described, in bipolar disorder.

I don't feel as if I'm often out alone, these days- right now, is a bit of a oddity.

We don't know what this means. Sometimes we feel as if we're dissolving- at other times, we wonder if the host is changing. Well, the main, we prefer to say. Even when we can't put a name to it, lately things seem more 'me' than... anything else. Oh well.

We don't know, anymore.

We fill blended, and empty, at the same time. We... wonder if it's a thing, to not always be aware exactly who is fronting- from doing it so long, without realising there was a system, I guess. And then slowly, it dawns on me, that it's..... me. With... elements of the other front-capable ones, taking turns with hanging in the near background. I.... appear to be the closest thing we have, to being a host. Or main- we really don't like 'host', because that word just doesn't seem to properly fit- it feels more... DIDish, and we aren't DID- we think. But, then again, the more we think, the more we don't feel a sense of continuity.
Or, at least, I don't- when.. the sense of it, feels as if it used to be there. But, then... maybe... I don't know. All I know is that things feel quieter, and muddled, and the self-doubt is stronger than ever. So that we don't often post, anymore. The last thing anyone wants, is some boob with some self-delusion or facetious disorder, hanging around trying to be one of the group. Ugh, I would hate that, if I were a DID regular. So I certainly don't want to be that girl.

We.... added Allison, to the sig line lineup. She... wanted pink, it was close to a color we'd picked out for Charlie, so we asked her if a different shade of pink would suffice, and she was quite happy with it. I seem to recall also asking Charlie, and he picked out something a little different, maybe? Hmm

Not sure Allison will be a talky one. And we feel... I don't know- it bothers Steph, that we're 'out of balance'. Perhaps he's afraid, that if there are more Girls than Boys, that that might make us, as a whole, Trans, or something. I... hmm was going to say I don't think so, but what of it? It is, whatever it is. But yes, atm us Girls are in the lead. and that segues into Jessica. That's our user name- and at the time, I chose it, I thought, because of the Logan's Run reference- we like the way 'jessica six', sounds. But... more and more, that name pops up in our mind. Not quite sure that it's a distinct part, however. Um, maybe that's the name the system likes for itself? It's all very hazy- at times I've even wondered if Jess is pretending to be me, and we think it's me, when it's Jess. If Jess, is a part. But... time will tell, if we ever get out of the system doldrums- feel as if we're floating in a sailing ship, without wind, just stuck in one spot of the ocean. Just have to wait, and see what blows.

OMG it feels SO good to be out!

I've been quiet for so long. Hiding.

Is it like that for some? That there's just nothing to be out about? And you're like asleep- until you're not.

That's been me.

Host doesn't know who they are anymore. I think it's Sam that's host now- or maybe Sam & Steph. I think it confuses them. I don't think I'm going to be out long- I don't wanna go back in but it's .. I don't know it's like exhausting or something. Or just too hard. And it was so funny it was just seeing something on forums that like popped me out and omg our ears rang and everything looked new and fresh cause I hadn't been out you know? Wow this is something.

Steph's been super depressed and I think that has something to do with things too. It's just like I don't know it's like nothing is worth anything any more we're just waiting for a bad end or something I think that's what he thinks. The body hadn't felt good and things just don't seem as if there's any point in anything you know so we just wait for the worst things to happen or something.

I'd better quit now I feel him taking notice and he won't let me post this if I don't stop now- we have a BARGAIN... not to mess with others' posts so I'd better do it now. Hit the post button. Bye.

<3 Sabrina <3

Hi I'm Jessica- I'm still figuring things out. I think I'm stepping in to take Samantha's place. She's always very sad and rarely comes out unless she just has to. She didn't used to be that way, but now she is.

It's all very confusing and I can't say just right now, what is what. I know what I look like- I know my age. I don't know how I fit in. I'm not sure if I'm really one of the others already named. I think I'm what was called 'Allison'. That feels right. I'll think some about it- maybe. I don't do a whole lot of thinking. Have a feeling I'm going to have to, though. oh. yay me then.

Sam has withdrawn- she still... exerts a lot of influence- but she has no desire to be 'out'- she hurts too much. She's become emotionally unstable. I feel like that's why I'm out. I think I'm co-host! That ought to be Sam- but no I'm pushed out. I want to be out! But that doesn't mean I want to 'run' things. Yuck. Why me? I just want to have fun. I'm glad I seem to be a little of the other female ones all put together, if that makes any sense.

I feel compelled to do a little run down.
Steph is the anxious one. I'm the most... unworried one who's supposedly 'adult'. Stephanie is our snarly little attitude-girl. Sabrina is the most whimsical, between her and me, we hold most of the 'happy'. Definitely. Albert is the angry, resentful one. Nameless is our Punisher- punisher of self. Aurora is.. our free spirit. Charlie is the little boy that needs comforting and safety.

Samantha.. used to be our rock- but she's broken down- that happened starting November maybe? Manic-depressive. Her emotions are all over the place- just writing this brings her towards the front and suddenly we feel like crying. She doesn't hold together as she used. She just hurts inside now. Even when she's happy about something.

And me? I'm plain lost. I was the one they wanted to call Allison even though I see they hinted at me. And I am maybe sort of all of them and none of them. I'm new to this and we can be co-conscious all we want to say we are but I still don't really know anything! Just that after everything got blurry and we felt like nobody was inside and everybody was inside we started using my name a lot. And now I'm here. I've redone the signatures as I see fit. Moved Sam over to the quiet ones but she's still really influential. OMG that's it. I have to redo it.

This is nuts.