3rd month of sever

My depression keeps talking turns for the worst. To give you a little back story first I posted in the rape/assault forum about a friend I hurt then in the panic disorder forum about my ongoing problem, which continues. I’m 3 months into this specific episode of my life, and new stories and troubles keep coming in and things get more dangerous for me every day.

The bad turns start 3 weeks ago. I had had an average day, nothing bad happened, I went to school fine, then at night I kept feeling suicidal thoughts. I hadn’t called anyone yet, I was planning to after I took my insole (Type 1 Diabetic). But I couldn’t take the right amount. The Insole was taunting me, telling me to take more, I wanted to take more so I could die and forget about the pain and lose it all and get rid of the pain once and for all. It took me an hour to take the right amount of insole, and when I finally finished, I started stabbing myself in the chest with my needle. Then I took it apart and called the emergency distress line in Ottawa. The next day I was fine waking up but for the first time in the morning I was having severe depression, so I skipped school, called the crisis line again and was on the line with them for an hour then we set up so I could meet the mobile crisis team at 4, several hours later. They calmed me down and assessed me and made a plan. So the night I took Saraquill for the first time, I had just got it from a Monday doctor’s appointment, and I felt what seemed to be a heart attack, so I went to the hospital, to find out what I was having was actually a panic attack. Like I thought I was dying. After the hospital visit, I slept for the day, and went to school the next day just fine, except I had missed half the week and my group project was losing trust in me.

The next two weeks were fine. My depression was still strong but my anxiety was way down by a ton. I had to drop out of a play I was helping with, but I had to focus on my health first. Then four days ago things started getting bad for me. I had just got out of College, I didn’t have to worry about any projects anymore, but I was alone. I was alone. My friends had left me, I had hurt my best friend and I lost contact with two others, and I was alone.

First day, depression threw the night to the morning. I got to sleep at 8am after a phone call to the distress line.

Day two, more of the same, except I started feeling suicidal again. I wanted desperately to be with my friends again, and I thought there was no way they would see me again. I didn’t do anything, but again I fell asleep at 7am after a phone call to the crisis line again.

Day three, I’m awake at 6am, I’m crying my eyes out and feeling a pain in my chest, a longing, a loneliness, and a hell. In my mind is saying go for the knife, go for the knife, go for the knife. I’m waiting for the crisis line to pick up, then I pick up the knife. While talking to them I’m trying to cut myself, I’m pressing hard and slicing myself but nothing’s going through. I end up scratching up my chest and cutting my leg, but I don’t feel a thing, and I’m desperately trying to feel something. This happens for an hour during me being on the line with the crisis worker. Then finally I put the knife away get off the line, sleep for an hour then go to my counseling appointment in two hours. We decide I should go to the hospital, so I call a friend and she takes me. She helps me threw the process, I get assessed, and sent home. They increase my drugs, tell me to stick in there.

The next day the sexual harassment case that I filed with my work was concluded and they had thrown out the charges, said there was no harassment of any kind. This destroyed me for the day, I called my friend again, she told me to calm down and if I felt suicidal to call her back. I called her at midnight again and she was going to take me to the hospital again, but her friend was drunk and couldn’t drive me so I was stuck getting there alone. I walked out to the bus, missed the last one by 15 minutes so I started walking to the hospital. Te alarm at a nearby Tim Horton’s was going off so I walked there and flagged down an officer and asked for a ride to the hospital. They called an ambulance I went to the hospital, waited for the psychologist, who read the papers from the night before, talked to me, told me there’s nothing more they can do there unless I wanted to lose all my rights and be held there, so they recommended I just stick it threw till my appointment for a day program on May 12. They say come to the hospital as a plan C. To keep myself occupied distracted.

I have enough professional support, I have no friends’ support. Doctors, consolers, phone, psychologist, drugs, hospital, online, I just need a friend who can actually be there and won’t forget at the end of the day that I need help and that they will be there for me. I am alone, lonely, need distractions, projects, no more professionals, I just need help and I don’t know how or who or what… I still constantly feel like hurting myself, and I feel in danger, but I’m scared and I don’t know what to do. Journals, music, games, drugs, nothing is working for me, and the friends that say they will be there… truly aren’t. I’m starting to believe that I can’t get help, no professional is really helping me, it’s hurting… I don’t even know what you guys can do.

Hi,

I've been where you are before and it's a very lonely place to be in - and uncertain too. However, if you can bring some 'certainty' into your life, then maybe things will improve. What I mean is, try to organise your life rigidly so that things don't 'just' happen out of the blue. If you can predict events, then you will be less anxious and depressed, I believe. You could also picture yourself as being in somewhat of a loop at the moment, where you are just repeating the same mistakes over and over again and are not really getting anywhere.

So, step outside of the loop by just doing something differently. I will be your friend, if even from this far distance that I live from you (I live in Ireland). It might also be beneficial for you to get rid of things from your life that only bring you down or add weight o your mind.

Kevin

Right now, I have no goals, nothing to strive for, I'm just waiting for the next appointment. Tasks as simple as pooring cerial for myself are a struggle that bring up tears and anger.

And really, every doctor, psyciatrist, counsoler, emergency worker, phone line, every person online has called me there friend, but i dont believe it. As soon as i hang up, as soon as i leave or am sent out, they are not there and i go home alone. There is nothing personal about any professinal, i cant call them friends, and i cant call someone a friend who cant be there. Who cant entertain who i cant have fun with.

You're right: Theya re not friends because they have their own worries in their private live to deal with, and I doubt that they'd be happy to meet up with you to go to the cinema... ...but they are just guides that you can use. Admittedly, they probably aren't great guides, but you can still get something good out of them.

Your best guide is yourself... ...I mean surely you must have something that you'd actually like yo be doing in life. I have this belief that a depressed person can become happier if their lifestyle just changed. In some cases, the change would need to be a complete one while - in others - just a few small changes.

Kevin

Lets see a little update. After I got home from a tough counsolers meeting, i went home and sobbed for two hours, where thoughts of hurting myself turned into thoughts of killing myself. I was calling for help from everyone, i called my friends, nothing, i tried emergency, leave a message leave a message leave a message, i did, then i called a friend who called a friend who called me who knoew about this.

Is it possible that a particular anti-depressant isn't working for you? Have you tried different ones?

I see you are having real troubles in life. I think it is good to converse with people online to help aleviate the pain when others can't be reached. Some fun distractions, IMO, are online tests. Some can be found in the just for fun board here. I know it isn't much, but they do occupy a person. Other types of games can be searched for on the net.

Ittap wrote:Lets see a little update. After I got home from a tough counsolers meeting, i went home and sobbed for two hours, where thoughts of hurting myself turned into thoughts of killing myself. I was calling for help from everyone, i called my friends, nothing, i tried emergency, leave a message leave a message leave a message, i did, then i called a friend who called a friend who called me who knoew about this.

That was the right thing to do, and it is a very positive sign for the present and the future for yourself. It shows that you know - firstly - that you know where to turn to to look for help. it also shows that you are willing to live in this life and try to make things better - i.e. you have a fighting spirit to get through your problems.

TAke care and well done,
Kevin

I'm sorry for shooting down ideas but I don't see talking to people I can't see helping me. It's not what I want. It's the same with doctors and counsolers and professinals. I have tons of them and there are always outside resourses i can go to but thats not what I want. I want a real person sitting beside me being a friend so I'm not alone anymore.

As for the drugs, I've wanted to get off the ciperlax for a while, I thought it wasnt working, but instead the doctors trippled the dose over 3 months. Is it working? I don't know. Three weeks ago I thought i hit the bottom, but then this past week has been ten times worse with the hospitals and the ambulances and the hurting myself every other day.

Fun distractions can only do so much for me. The worst time of the day for me is when i have to get up and go to the bathroom, or make myself food. Often it leads to a downward spiral, and ive been using these distractions for 3 months now, I'm getting bored of them. I tried steps from many things, many people suggesting, many programs to prevent hurting myself, it doesn't help me. It has lead to me sobbing for two hours with a knife close to my chest with me wanting to die.

Another bad time is the night. The drugs that should be helping with the sleep are not and thousand things go threw my mind. Three really, but time is to long.

I hate how the only thing i have to look forward to is my next appointment. I deserve better then this, i need better because now i'm suffering and alone.

Think of yourself in a loop of behaviours that are unproductive, and one that you must get out of. Try to bring freshness into your life and don't say 'no' to everything that wants to come into your life (be it people, courses, etc). If you ever watched the film Yes Man, then you will understand what I am talking about. I know that what i'm saying will be little help for you, because I know how awful that feeling of depression that you seem to have can be. When you feel like that, absolutely nothing seems to work.

Just be aware - above all else - that nothing lasts forever. With that, your depression won't always be this bad.

Kevin

Well, I just lost another friend. One who was supporting me. She hadnt talked to me in a week, and then she finnaly told me she wanted me out of her life today.