No where left to go.

Hi, My name is Alex, I'm 14. The reason i come here is because i dont know of anywhere else to go, i've talked to counselors, pastors, online friends, parents, ETC. ETC.

Well lets see, ill start with my family. My mom and dad are divorced, they were divorced right after i was born so ive had to visit my dad (live with my mom). Not that visiting him was a bad thing, but it was well, a pain for one, and it really hurt me that i couldnt spend time with my dad more. Well about 5-6 years back, my mom got married. I don't like my step dad very much at all. He is mean to me and my mom, but i suppose i wouldnt go as far as saying "abusive". Its just verbal. He is always snotty about everything, always expects something of you, always is lazy, sitting around watching tv when my mom has to do work around the house, but he is too much of an ass to help. A lot of the times when i get in fights with him it is because i try to defend my mom. She is always giving in way too easy so i try to stand up for her. My step dad also does things like leave TVs on, leaves his computer on all the time etc. and expects my mom to pay for half of all the bills (they have seperate accounts). My mom has trouble with her job, its a bad market for what she does, while my step dad is doing fine financially. He is always wasting his money on random crap like for example he has two ipods... a video and a nano, Because the damn video is "too big" for working out. It also bothers me probably the most of all that the merriage shouldnt even be considered one. All it is, is legal, my step doesnt do any of the crap that husbands should do for their wives like open doors for them, bring car to the door so she doesnt have to walk, etc.

Well my dad on the other hand got merried last year. Ever since he met his much younger wife he has spent much less time with me than he did beforehand. I use to see my dad every other weekend, that got reduced to about monthly, and now its not even that. Well after they got merried it was pretty much over, i really didnt want to see him anymore, because he only cared about her, for example for christmas he got her an iPhone (he has very bad financial problems) and failed to "remember" me. After i brought it up that changed, but it was the thought that mattered to me.

At school ive been bullied for about 4 years. I go to a private school where there is a strict uniform code, small class (only 60 in grade), supposedly strict rules, etc. etc. Well people there have been making fun of me because i like computers and am nonathletic. Everybody in my grade are basicly jocks. I have no friends at school (or in real life for that matter) and am also made fun of for that. I get made fun of for being fat, weak, i started working out and now im made fun of for that too... i hoped id get respect for that, but obviously not. It really bothers me that for example they do something, anything, and its "cool" and its funny etc. etc. but if i do it (first even) its uncool and makes me a loser.... The one person who i thought was my friend wont ever stand up for me when they are making fun of me, he just stands by and laughs.

After all this ive pretty much retreated to online, i view my online friends my family. I play online games alot, mainly Team Fortress 2, but even on there people can be asses for no reason. It seems no matter where i go i cant escape.

So ive thought about suicide alot, probably on a daily basis, planed it a few times, personaly i wish i could go through with it. I wish i wasnt such a coward. My life never seems to improve, theres always something to come up to make it worse, because of this ive lost hope in god, my family and pretty much everyone else in real life.

Thanks for letting me talk.

Also i forgot to mention... some other things... that id rather not talk about in a post >.>

Hi,

If you want to mention the "other things" to me in a private message, then I would be happy to read them.

Anyway, school doesn't work-out for everyone - It's unfortunate. It wasn't for me either: I had no real friends. The ones that I thought were my friends just used me because I had all of the best games for my computer. Others used me because I always did my homework while they didn't (i.e. - they would copy my work). My life began to improve soon after leaving school though, when I was surrounded by people who shared a similar interest to myself in college.

I can't agree with your biological father's 'disappearing' act, but these things happen too. I'm sure he wants to build an entire new life for himself, but he should also respect the people that he helped bring into this world (i.e. - you). I don't think you should try too much anymore to be with him, because it is only hurting you trying.

This might seem strange, but there are positives to be taken from this. One such positive is that you are experiencing things that no-one else will ever experience, and that confers a great deal of wisdom unto you.

Take care,
Kevin

thanks for the reply, ill send you a pm.

thats the same stuff people do to me, take advantage of my work ethics. and the problem is, i have another 4 years of this.

Personaly, i dont view this is positive at all, i dont like it all.. its not worth the wisdom i get from it. I just wish i could make something better. It just really hurts that i dont have anyone in real life to talk to, that actually cares, that i can well, hug, sometimes i just need that. Its hard to explain.

Hey,

Yes, thank you for the PM. I know that it doesn't seem like a positive now (it never does when the bad event is actually happening to you) but I'm sure that you'll see it as a positive when you are older. You know, they say that once you have a plan for suicide that it's very serious. This may sound like a stupid question to you, but: How depressed do you feel?

Take care,
Kevin

well, its not exactly easy to just "gauge" i mean its subjective.

But im sad and down alot.

Your step dad is a dick (as if you haven't figured that out yet). I'm sorry.... I'm assuming your mom is only staying with financial reasons? Does she have any desire to leave?

I'll make a long story short, but my dad tried to leave us (his family) in another state for some manipulative woman. My mom told him that if he thought he was going dump his kids on her to go tail chasing, he had another think coming. Basically, he came back to us for financial reasons. I was nine, I know how you feel. I don't love my father, not when he tried to do something like that.

The cold hard truth: You dad's doing the same thing, selfishly leaving you for his own desire. He's not a dad.

I think things should get better for you in High School. With such a sparse population in your class, it's too easy to see how there would be a high concentration of jerks.
Are you going to public high school next year? I would. You'll be in with tons of kids you don't-almost a fresh start. And there's a group for everyone in HS. And everyone's maturer, in most schools there isn't much bullying. You don't need many social skills to find a group of friends, although HS is good time to build them.

BTW, I was bullied up until ninth grade and pretty much had no social life off the internet until I was going into tenth grade and desperately wanted to change that. It was hard -long story- but I've overcome most of the nervousness among other communication difficulties (AvPD for too long). I have friends and a social life.


As Chucky said, all this will make you a better person. You'll have wisdom and strengths others don't have. Someone will appreciate it and you'll get a lot of respect from them for it.

Hang in there. What are your schooling plans for next year?

well she thinks that if she leaves, well we would lose our house because we couldnt afford it and other stuff.

I plan to go to the same school next year, i like the teachers and the education, besides we already payed some money as a deposit for next year.

Just as suspected, financial reasons....

Glad you like your school for some reasons.... You've already got the deposit, anyway. Just saying, things sound miserable for you there.

Just how badly do you want friends? That might be a stupid question. Lonliness is hard on most of us, you've already expressed that of yourself. Do you plan on going to college? I was going to suggest joining clubs and volunteer work for that and friends. There are organizations with mostly kids participating. You can't really go wrong. Just throwing those ideas out, you might not like the sound of it right now so I don't want to say much more on it.
I've got my sights set on a few volunteer places for summer and I can't wait.

well... i want friends alot obviously.

I plan and want to go to college for Aerospace engineering (planes not space related things)

Currently i am in Boy Scouts, which i'm close to acheiving my Eagle Scout rank. As for organizations other than those, i was thinking about joining math league next year. I did try some clubs in school, like a engineering club but the people in that were asses too...

Lol, wow. You must be, uh, pretty good at math, huh? xD

I'm surprised (a little). You'd think some kids from other grades would give you a chance?
I'm afraid math league won't be any better. How are the people in Boy Scouts?

Hmm, I think you ought to consider volunteering. They usually have kids going in and out. You get to mingle with others in some of them. There'd probably be kids from around other parts of the area that don't go to your school.
Or a something like a Church Youth Group, maybe? Eh, there are other non-school clubs.

Again, I'm just offering advice. If everyone at school is really that awful, off-school organizations would be good. You can go google something, for example. Or check official websites for you twon. Newspaper websites also have listings.