Faded White Brain.. severe Depersonalization

So...
This brain-paralyzing illness, this unforgiving hole in my head that feels as if liquid blank-white snow is smothering and numbing the inside core of it, has been destroying all the life I have in me. My mind is thoughtless and incoherent, and it has been this way for 6 years now. I am going to be entirely honest and say it actually maimed me my entire life, it affecting my actions, affecting my barely-thriving relationships (especially one that has a meaning uncomparable to anything I will ever experience and love), affecting my ability to love without demonic thoughts, and affecting my ambitions... I was unconcious of it when I was a child, but somehow my mind had already registered it was there. I had horrid hallucinations, which I think led to this blankness (I have a different disorder, but my case fits here) I am frightened, though. I really, really am. I cannot function in life when nothing is living in my head. Not even the slightest breath of a thought.. they all just fall into a deep hush right in the middle of existing.

Along with the nothingness there comes a really excruciating pain that feels like there is multiple, huge aching bruises in my head that are clotting up my brain. I cannot think. My head just feels wounded and forces me to lay down even though the pain never stops. And I truly mean it when I say the pain never stops. Ever. I have no relief and everytime I am concious with this world I become shackled with all the hurt. I have no access to my concious thoughts whatsoever. My real thoughts just will not form into something I can work with. Everytime I write something down or speak it all comes unconciously... like these aren't my real worlds and thought patterns. They aren't even close. I would be a whole different person if I was not a slave to the hindering mist that was somehow injected into my skull, and flooded like a chilling-burn into my mind. I am concious but unconcious at the same time. I know I have thoughts, I know they are there, my true brain, but whenever I try to access it I am wracked with hurt. Hurt. That is all it is. And I am forced to sleep again.

Why is this..? I do realize I have always been ashamed of myself, and feel hauntingly childish compared to everyone I have ever met.. like I never developed along with them.. I just feel like I have somehow suppressed my entire being and I cannot ever bring it back. I want to think. I NEED to think. It is not an option. It is hard to go out into the real world and meet friends.. talk to them. I can't talk off the whim when people expect me to.
I will admit that i have been on the verge of tears the past 6 years knowing that I wasn't normal, that I couldn't function like the rest of my friends, and felt sick and small and useless. I feel like I am a waste. What good am I if I cannot do what I love... it is the only thing that keeps me living. My writing. I mean it. I don't think I truly care for anything other than it. But if I can't do it, then.... I don't know...

And what really unnerves me, really slams into me and forces the psychotic anger out of me.. is when people tell me I do not sound like I have messed up cognitive patterns.. and I speak just fine... It may come out normal to them, but it is a real nightmare in my head. It's just a curse. And when I was in the hospital the ringleaders of that wretched place did not understand this problem. They did not even try to identify it even thought on my treatment plan it was stated that I had some sort of mind disorder. So I was thrust into groups and I could not speak... at all.. at all. They thought it was about me being shy. But it is not. I don't speak because I can't think. I am just a prisoner.

And, yes. I am often lost in some kind of fantasy realm but it is buried in a deeply unconcious part of my brain, and I can't even access it either. I am blank. I am just blank from everything. I just feel like a phantom that every single thought passes through. I mean. I wish I had any form of thought, any hallucination, any psychotic rushing thoughts.. just anything but blankness. Anything. I'd rather be detached than live in this solid world with no thought patterns. But somehow I am too strong to float away. I maintain myself rather well and I hate myself for it. I need to slip somehow, slip out of this perfectionistic hide, and then maybe I can find some comfort. I don't know...

I doubt I will get many replies because it is so treacherously long, but... I had it. I really have. I have tried all sorts of medicines. Anxiety medication, anti-depressants, anti-psychotics.. and I am just too darn sensitive. They just hurt me even more. Right now I am on Lamictal, and it isn't aiding me in the least. I don't even know if it stabalizes my mood or not. I feel helpless. I am in pain, deep pain. Does anybody else feel like this..? Have the same problem.. because it is debilitating.....

I hear you out my friend. I think almost this exact thing so often and its miserable! literally hell on earth Id trade an arm to get rid of these thoughts because they are paralyzingly terrifying. but because your reality testing is intact, it seems no one thinks we are a threat, like we don't need as much help because we can see what is wrong with us sometimes i wonder if we are smarter than our shrinks. JK I love this man, hold strong and something will get better
this too, like all things, shall pass

I know... It is absolutely wretched. I agree. I think I'd rather trade an arm for this misfortune as well. I've looked around the internet for a couple months now and couldn't find anything that seemed to match up to this at all. Next week I am going to go in for some testing, though. Hopefully that will enlighten and reveal the piece that isn't working in my mind. I'm also gonna try a hypnotist...
I was also diagnosed with a mild Schizophrenia so maybe that ties into it, too... A negative affect of it. I'm fairly young so it may still be developing.
But yeah. I just hope I won't have to live with it so severely for the rest of my life.
I sincerely wish you the best, though. I really, really do. No one deserves to live in this much torment.
But we're still alive, right?
If you are then I must say you are extremely strong.

Hi there Lyceira,

It´s been long time since your post, just read everything, and I´m pretty concerned if you got better.

If possible tell little bit more about this blank mind, I mean, which brain features are missing, like a self-talk(inner monologue), executive functions skills ?

Hope to hear from you!

I will add my hope to hear any positive insight from the members of this thread. I also feel the same... I'm just like a kid who doesn't know how to grow up despite 25 years of life. Something is missing

I hope to hear from you One day because I browse all the forum and nothing touch me more than 2 post.

Best hugs and hope!

I've just joined this forum , so don't know what is your progress. Decided to write , though. I'm going to post my reply to others here, as well.
I don't call it an illness any more. It's a state to me. I feel really sorry for you and for other people here suffering from it. I'm one of you. 9 years is quite enough( if you are still suffering from it). Even a week is already to much. I've had it for approx. 8 years. First was getting crazy not knowing what's wrong with me. Later, after I found out, was getting even crazier for not having a cure.
But, however horrible you feel now I want to tell you that it can get better and it will.
Depersonalization and derealization are usually , if not always, symptoms of underlying trauma. It is a protective mechanism because your system is overloaded.
I was in hell because of it, but now it loosened up because I started solving underlying issues.
What helped me a lot was osteopathy. I was lucky to find very good practitioner(this is very important).
As most of us think trauma affects our mind only, brings us bad memories. But that's only part of the truth. Trauma , conscious and unconscious, is stored in our body causing energy blockages. One might consider herself less traumatized than other , but nothing can really determine whose trauma is bigger. One went though strong abuse, other fell of bicycle while a child, and both have severe trauma. It really depends on person.
Osteopath removed some blockages and the energy started to flow. I can't thank enough for that. I get new blockages , of course, because I'm still working on my anxiety and anger ( I have a lot of suppressed anger that comes out now).But that time , when after many years I felt alive again is precious. It started to get better.
Some of trauma we carry has been passed through our ancestors. I know it sound unfair, but it has. Not always , of course. I'm currently in therapy that combats that, as well. All emotions once suppressed must consciously pass through the body.
I'm not an expert , just writing from my own experience, but I would really recommend you to work with your body. Massages and acupuncture are good as well.But my symptoms returned very quickly after them, though.I felt well after 2-3 weeks.Was told to continue but it was to costly for me, unfortunately. Osteopathy help for longer and still does.
And therapy for underlying problems.
I would recommend you to check Peter A.Levine. One of the best in trauma field. Inventor of somatic experiencing therapy.
I would like you to consider that sometimes depersonalization happens when individual is going through spiritual awakening. I'm not talking about state recognized in Buddhism- that's something else, just the same name. But still , if there is no trauma ( and karma) , awakening goes rather smooth. It might sound spooky for some, but there it is.
I wish happiness lit up your life again. It will.