Total disclosure?

My husband and I saw our marriage therapist last night, and this guy is phenomenal really. We've seen him enough that I trust him and his judgement very much. I wondered if anyone else has had experience with this / his suggestions......First, we are both supposed to spend this week truly pondering and deciding whether we are willing to do the WORK involved in making our marriage work, which will involve fixing this problem that my husband has - stopping his lies. If we / once we have decided that we are up to it, the main step, he said, will include TOTAL disclosure to ALL involved.....that my husband will have to tell his family, my family, our kids, his friends and even co-workers that he has this problem. The reasoning for this, he said, is that for him to stop, he has to have no safe place to lie....that it'll be possible for him to stop if pretty much everyone he is involved with, and lies to, knows he has this problem. This is huge - can you imagine the humiliation!? I will find out soon enough if he is up to it - I haven't even decided yet if I am up to it. But I feel for him in that situation. Has anyone out there had to do this? Fess up, as the liar, or as the spouse of the liar!? What are your thoughts on that? Anyone?

Leesa

Hi Leesa,
I have been with my partner for 18 months, for the last year or so i realised that most of what he told me and others (ex-wife, kids, friends, family, my family) was huge lies. He told everyone he was dying last year, (not long after i met him) he told me a million other lies since. We split at the end of June, after I had discovered the truth about the dying (although I had suspected for nearly a year and had begged and begged him to tell me the truth on many occasions). He came clean to me, but there were so many other lies that at the time he didnt come clean about, and no one else knew the truth so it continued in a way. I was close to a breakdown and could no longer trust my own judgement. Going thro a divorce myself at the same time, with 3 kids, I felt i was at the end of my mental and emotional rope. We split for 2 months, and I found this site. In August, I asked him to look at it, wrote a list of all the lies he told me and confronted him about being a compulsive liar. He admitted he had always had a problem with lies, but not to the extent of the year before (he was seperating from his wife and going thro an awful lot of other problems as well). He agreed to counselling and then, the next day, he started contacting his friends and family to tell them that he had not been ill - at all. I was stunned, and, worried for him. He hadnt yet been to the doctor to ask for counselling, but at the same time was immensely proud of him, it was such a hard thing to do. He explained to me that, if he hadnt of done it, right there and then, he would have backed out and the lies would still be there. We spent a whole weekend together talking, crying, and going over everything. There were some very painful revelations. He continued to tell everyone, and in short, has lost alot of friends, his Son (who unfortunately his ex wife told first in her anger, so he didnt get a chance to explain), his younger daughter for a while, and some of his family (although some are now trying to understand). It has been a very, very hard time - as more people have found out, hes had phone calls from people, and, his ex, perhaps not believing hed told everyone, decided some 6 weeks later to contact people and tell them, thus stirring the pot again. He has been truly remarkable and i admire him immensely for standing so strong. Some 3 months on, the trust is returning to our relationship, he has a new job, and we are very much in love. This without the help of a therapist, as they contacted him some 12 weeks later!(and thats priority yeah right!)
a week before he started his new job in which, he will not be able to take time off (so we are looking for something after work).
I see you have doubts as to whether you can do this. Ok, ive told what happened to him so now my side. My family are divided on this, my mum has been very understanding as is giving the benefit of the doubt, other members just think im nuts for putting up with it. My friends, well, they all say, its your life, and are saying time will tell, in general most think i deserve better and I know im the subject of alot of my friends 'coffee morning' chat. But generally things are settling down and my true friends are happy that im happy. (but still seem to be waiting for something bad to happen).
The first couple of months were hard, knowing that you are thought of as gullible and weak, when in fact, I believe, that walking away would have been easier, but facing the music and coming out the other side shows the strength of our relationship.
People will soon have something else to talk about and move on.
So in short, yes, by him confessing all, it was truly the only way to put it behind us and move on. Be prepared for a tough time, and be there for him, and each other. True friends will stand by you both, others may be angry at first but will come round in time, some people will not understand and will walk away. It is very hard not to get angry with your partner, when you are getting a beating from your friends who are asking you why, and telling you you are stupid, when youve done nothing wrong but love. Ive had my moments but he is worth it.
Be strong and good luck! X

Starz,

Thank you so much for such an articulate and thoughtful response. And I heard you loud and clear. I heard your hope and also the trust that you now have for him. And at this point you sund so happy with your decision! Now, I am in pessimist mode, so I have to ask you a couple of questions? It seems it has only been 2-3 months since he's been "clean" (from lying).....do you feel real trust in him, or does it vary from day to day? I have been doing a lot of reading and can't help but wonder if it is possible to truly stop. Did he tell his friends and family that it wasn't "just" the dying story, but that it is / has been a general problem for him? I agree with you, this was big, and I would be proud of him too.....notice no one else responded to this post from me asking if anyone else had done total disclosure - gotta be HARD!!!! I can't even imagine the humiliation factor! It'll be hard for me to watch him go through it, if that is what we decide to do. I just don't know......I think maybe you are a stronger or more forgiving person than I am. I feel so betrayed by him for SO MANY reasons....I can't shake it and I think I want out. I just do not know. I think I am so confused and devestated that I shouldn't make any decisions right now.

I wish you luck and happiness and continued success with your man. Please let me know how things are going.

Leesa

Hi girls,

I was on here yesterday for the first time and didnt notice your post, but I did today. I guess everyone dealing with a spouse who is a compulsive liar shares a very similar history. It sounds as if I am on the same page as Leesa. Very hurt, angry, desperate and confused. I have been living with my husband for five years, but we just got married recently. Were it not for the lies, I could probably claim a dream come true relationship where all my needs are met. However, the lies are there and my relationship feels like it comes from Hell. When I first met him, he lived at his parents because he had left his wife and was trying to get on his feet. He first told me he lived in the basement - Lie number 1. The first 9 months of our relationship were based on lies. His parents were awful to him, he claimed to feel suicidal, he cried every night, he avoided their calls, they called angry with him for avoiding him etc...Only after he moved in, after he proposed and after I got pregnant did I find out the truth, his dad called me and one truth after another after another came out. My whole world crashed in front of me. His lies always seem to be geared towards stressing me out. Example: two weeks of saying he has an important meeting with bosses at which he may lose his job. Two weeks of my doing everything to make him feel better etc. I even started to vomit it was so stressful. Only to find out he took out three ex-coworkers out on the town. His excuse when I caught him - He was afraid of my reaction because they were female. I countered him on it because he always deals with female coworkers and I have shown no previous jealousy. His final counter - his ex-wife was extremely jealous and he was afraid I would react the same. We worked on that issue (jealousy) for a long time before I found out it was yet another lie. I went from an unhealthy, yet perfectly functional person to an extremely sick, depressed and lonely person in less than one year. We separated, but I took him back when he "EXPLAINED" everything to me. See, it seems as though it was his family and ex-wife that were lying. I bought it because his ex is a little strange and had blown up at me in the past for no reason and then called his parents to call me. (He defended her by saying his ex-girlfriend gave her a hard time and she is just on a defense mode). His parents....they are the type that you don't talk about anything like that. It has only been in the past year that I really feel accepted by them and only truly by his mother. The true story....my husband is a liar, his ex wife is also a liar, the parents don't want to discuss anything with me because although he and his wife are both liars...she takes priority. I can't talk to my friends about this because I feel too ashamed and to tell the truth, this is not my hometown and I'm not really sure how true these friends are. My family ( what is left after so many deaths) are unaproachable about these things...they are very narrow minded. Meanwhile...I feel trapped, literally. MY FIRST GLIMPSE OF HOPE CAME FROM STARZ' STORY. We also separated when my child was 4 months old. Lots of lies there. Of course he moved in with his parents. (we are in our 30's by the way). We had started therapy....we started by sharing what our problems were. I said it was the lies...he said it was a lot of things...his family, his ex etc...Next thing you know, several weeks later, he says he loves his family and ex and they never did anything to him and that it was all my fault. The therapist believes him and wants to start working "on my problems" So I said I couldnt continue with this kind of "help"This was around the holidays....my child never even so much as saw him or his family let alone a Christmas present. He wrote me some emails and so on and so on, and yes, again, I took him back. But not without an extreme fight with his parents (they didnt want him to move out) I know they know he lies, but no one seems to want to address this but me. They wouldnt call at home or talk to me and after a few weeks of talking to him at work, they stopped contacting him too. It got settled eventually and I've been getting a little closer to them. This was two years ago and as far as I know there hasnt been any lies at least none that I could prove and prove is the key word. Which brings us to now. I am in the middle of one of the biggest ones yet that may ruin my name credit wise. I feel like he proposed only so he could start up his lying again and I would have to put up with it since I am now married to him. I am very very angry and the layer of anger is surrounded by depression. I would dearly love to fix this, but don't have the energy even if I did know how. I know I could talk to him right now and he would cry and apologize etc.... and then it will be on my shoulders to make "him" feel better. But for what? As far as I'm concerned he'll just do it again. And then that thought makes me feel guilty, like I'm the one who isn't trying hard enough. I could go on I guess...but I have rambled on way too long. If either of you had the time to read my long and pathetic story of my life, I would so appreciate a reply, maybe a little comfort, hope....anything really. I tired of crying. I'm tired of being angry I'm tired of feeling so alone and I'm tired of being sick all while trying to be a good mom for a darlilng three year old who is at this point, pretty well the only reason I can go on. I'm so sorry fo dragging this on....I know this is long enough for a book, but somehow, getting it out, even if it is to people I don't know, provides for a little less weight on my shoulders. Thank you for reading, if you did.

Wow! You don't have to say thank you for reading this, it is helpful to hear FROM others as much as it is to talk TO others. Our stories are similar and I sure understand about feeling guilty for not seeming to want to try hard enough! That is my predominant feeling this week - I have been fluctuating though (from anger, sadness, shock, numbness, guilt)

Things that are in common:
A - my husband also lived in the basement "getting on his feet" when we met.
B - his ex-wife is also a little odd (though I do not think she is all he has cracked her up to be.
C - He's EXPLAINED away MANY things to me.
D - The lies of course.

I hope reading and expressing is helping you to feel better. So sorry you are hurting to the degree that you are. I hope you are not like me and spending more time than you should trying to diagnose and justify!!!!!!!!!!! It is wearing me out! Think back to other things you have been through in your life (you eluded to experiencing loss) and try to remember how you got through. The strength is in you, and you WILL get through this. Get what you need in terms of support from others, and take the best care of yourself that you can, reach out when you need, and stay tough - Focus - write out goals if you have to. Be in touch, you're not alone.

Leesa

Why is it we were attracted to these men? I am going to a class Saturday to start to find out what is it about me that attracted this man. Tattoo on my forhead that said "I'm stupid". I am not a gullible person, can smell bull@#it a mile away, yet ate all the crap he dished out.
Today he is mad because I check his cell phone messages. He wants his own account. Mind you this is the same cell phone that got him in trouble last summer (2003) and this summer by calling this tramp. And I misinterrpreted (spelling?) it all, say him. I didn't buy into that one. I just wish he would sit down and throw it all out on the table. After finding out about this 4 year old little girl he was paying child support on, he confessed "oh I feel so much better, knowing that's off my shoulders and I haven't anything else to hide". Big slice of Bullcrap Pizza there. I found out about 2 more children. For the grand total of 6. How can you walk away from 3? His children by his ex-wife are now liars too. They have learned it from their parents and my husband's mother.
Why tell the truth when it's so much easier to make something up?

I am hurting and confused. I stay sick to my stomach, my blood pressure is elevated, and I fear financial ruin. I want to turn the clocks back and do over.
Thanks for letting me vent.
Juanita

You crack me up. BullCrap Pizza????? :)

Here's what I think - You, me, Chrissy, and Dmomhere......we should have a coffee shop chat twice a week. Can you imagine?? We live in, I think, Canada, Ohio, and Rhode Island. Too bad we couldn't all meet up in New York. Can you even imagine? We'd all have so much to say, we probably would be talking over each other! Wait, no we wouldn't, because we'd all be saying the same exact things at the same time!

Juanita, I emailed you last week....did you get that? I sent it to JBRIGHT423@aol....yes?

Oh well, I hope today is a better day for all of you. Sorry to hear the latest betrayals - some days life is just so hard. Hang in there everyone...you're not alone.

Leesa

Goodrmorning, Goodmorning, Goodmorning, she says as she strolls into the coffee shop for her moring dish with "the girls"

Yea, ok maybe Im a little loopy this morning but its probably from the lack of sleep I've been having. I've been hidding at moms for 3 weeks now since "he" left and hidding behind the computer screen, to avoid dealing with my emotions. However, Its getting close to having to deal with them because Im startin to get sad.

On a lighter note, I'm sure you girls will see the humour in this, I had me a little fun last night, while NAILING HIS ARSE to the wall with the lie about the personals ads... I opened me an account, described myself exactly as everything that I know he's attracted to, then "sent him a smile"...Yup. Took him all of what, 20 minutes after logging on to "smile back". So I copied and pasted my "smile" into our msn chat window and said "Ok now tell me you havent been "looking at other options while you've be ******** ME". Ahhhh I wish I could have seen the look on his face. Honestly, I think the internet is becoming one of the top 5 factors for Women losing trust in their husbands. Theres just so much out there for them to do, and get caught doing. Theres Porn sites, downloadable porn, chat rooms, instant messaging with random people, FORUMS!, singles websites, SINGLE PARENT WEBSITES!!... I tell you, If things EVER reconcile between us, and I mean like, in a year after hes had counselling, oh and proved that hes BEEN to the counselling, There will NEVER ever be a computer in my home.

Top of the morning ladies, I need to shower

I hear ya.....the computer is the best and worst thing that has ever happened to this age. We are now dependent on it, but in the year 4004, kids will be learning in some weird Jetson-like techno-school about the moral collapse of an entire society back in the 2000s because of weak souls who could not resist evil temptations on a freaking 13" screen. The kids will laugh and be shocked and think of us as barbarians, like we think of the Romans from way-back-when.

I can't believe you sound as upbeat as you do this morning!! GOOD for you. (Chrissy, make sure you see the "PM" I sent you last night!) Anyway, he should be ASHAMED!!!! Have you looked at other boards on this forum....the personality disorders perhaps?

Between the actions of all of our men, I am at a total loss for words, so I will sign off now. Stay strong, Stay safe!
Leesa

Trust me, the upbeat thing, it comes and it goes. My emotions are all over the map. Im consumed by them. One minute I hate him, the next I love him. One minute Im listening to my mother and walking away, the next im praying he comes online to talk.

I honestly think im going to be calling my OBGYN and asking for the help that she offered me the last time I was at the office. She strongly recommended it and I turned her down. But Im waving the white flag. I need help for me. For Hayley, and Justyn whos deserving of a fighting chance, and to be born to a mother whos got her head on straight. I dont think it is on straight right now, and I need to fix that.

celi_maclean@hotmail.com, if you have msn and wanna talk Leesa, or if you have yahoo, celina_deslauriers@yahoo.com
I hope to talk to you soon. If we cant meet in a coffee talk, we can at least meet up with Juanita in a private chat, with our cups of coffee.

Im sending you big hugs. We all need them.

C.